February 4, 1993
It’s been a long time since I wrote last. A lot of stuff has gone on too. My mom did take BT back. That is pretty disgusting but what can I do? Nothing. I told her how I feel about it and haven’t said anything else about it to her. I haven’t talked to T since the last time I wrote. I have done a pretty effective job of putting distance between us. I have not been to a meeting in a while. I told my story on the 29th but that is about it. I’m getting ready to go to one tonight.
I’ve been in my turtle phase, pulled up into my shell, basically running from my emotions. It is about time to come out of my shell. It only causes more problems then it cures. I’m still seeing AS. We seem to get along well. Nothing serious really. A lot of guys have been hinting around they are interested in seeing me but I don’t think so. One at a time is enough for me. It would get way too confusing to see more than one at a time. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with AS. I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
February 19, 1993
Well, I finally moved into my new condo. It’s about time! It looks so good! And AS is living here too. Our furniture looks really good together.
February 24, 1993
Life is finally settling down to normal again. All the moving and packing is done. All the unpacking is done. Now AS and I are getting used to living together. So far, it has worked out real well. He is good about staying out of my way when I am in one of my moods. He’s not like T at all. When we are at home, we both do our own thing. He doesn’t need my constant attention. When something is bothering me, he’ll ask about it, but doesn’t demand I talk about it. When I’m ready to talk, he’ll listen. So far, so good. I’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been slacking off my meetings lately. I went to one last night but hadn’t been to one in about a week and a half. I don’t like driving all the way out to west Knoxville to meetings anymore so I am going to try and go to the Tuesday and Thursday Melrose from now on. I was also supposed to go to therapy today but I called and cancelled my session. I’m tired of driving out to west Knox for that too. I don’t think I am going to do it anymore. I haven’t been in two weeks and I seem to be doing okay with it. Or without it.
B and I haven’t seen much of each other lately. I was all wrapped up into moving into Park Place and B has been all wrapped up into being pregnant. She is about 10 weeks along now. She decided to name her baby Sage if it is a girl and Forest if it is a boy. Cool names I think.
Speaking of pregnancy, I still haven’t had a period this month. I can’t decide if I should be worried about it or not because I don’t remember when my one last month was.
February 25, 1993
I decided last night I had to know if I was pregnant or not, so I went to the drugstore and bought a test. It came out positive. So now, I know, I am pregnant.
I’ve told my parents. AS has told his. My grandparents know. All our friends know. Now, all I have to do is wait 9 months and then devote my life to raising a child. Don’t ask my why I’m having it because I do not know. I only know I can’t and won’t have an abortion. I’m not really sure how I feel about it yet. It is slowly sinking in.
I’ll get back to you in a couple of days. It is all pretty new to me. Very new.
My mom is going to help me out. So is AS.
February 27, 1993
Well, it is Saturday and I am still pregnant. It is slowly sinking in, a little more day by day. I figure I will freak out in about a week, but, right now, I am still pretty calm about it.
AS and I got into our first little spat today. I wouldn’t call it an argument because we weren’t yelling or cussing one another out, but we were being curt and childish.
I feel good about my decision so far. For a while today, I really wanted to go out, dance, smoke, all that stuff, but only for a moment. I feel like I am doing something much more important than all that stuff.
AS and I went to Baby Superstore today and it was a really strange feeling to be around all that baby stuff.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
More outtakes of a life....
January 14, 1993
Classes started yesterday and it feels good to be back in school. Of course the parking situation sucks, but, as soon as some of those people start slacking off, parking will be better. That is the only aggravating aspect of it all. Long breaks drive me crazy too. Way too much time to think.
My life has gotten really busy again lately. I got elected to the position of Alternate Secretary for the Young People’s Group. B got elected Secretary. I might be busy helping to get that group together again.
I’ve gone out with AS three times. I’ve been toying with the idea of telling him I can’t see him anymore. He’s not really my type. He is a nice guy, but seems to be kind of superficial. I don’t know...maybe I could just keep hanging out with him just to have fun. Every time I go out with him though I leave thinking about T. My therapist says that is probably from wishing I had someone to talk to like I talked to T. I do miss talking to him. And snuggling with him, but I just don’t think I could go back right now. Maybe someday. I’ve been really sad ever since we decided to stop talking to and seeing each other at all. Really sad. I let more walls down with him than I have with anybody else and T really cared about me more than anyone ever has, boyfriend wise. I did talk to him the other night and it was good to talk to him. He seemed really sad too. I believe things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I finally met my next door neighbor-B. He is 24 years old and has three degrees. He is working on his fourth that is going to be a doctorate in geology. He wants to be an environmental consultant. He’s from Louisiana and is going to be in Knoxville until June and is going to try to get a grant so he can stay two more years. He is an Aquarius. He told me last night that Scorpios and Aquarians are attracted to one another because they signify opposite ends of the spectrum.
I talked to him for a while. He came over to my place to see it and we watched Seinfeld and then went to Acme Pizza. It was humorous when we got home because we said goodbye in the hallway and then went to our respective apartments. He’s not ugly, he is not a hunk, but he exudes an air of certainty. It is a very calm feeling. So now, I may start seeing him too, but I know I couldn’t see more than two guys at once. I would go crazy. I will keep the journal posted.
I gave Metoli away yesterday. The guy I gave him to was going to give him to his parents. The mom is retired and they live on land. I hope they are nice people. I miss him. It is strange not to have to go home periodically to let Metoli out or to have him bouncing around and sleeping with me. If he went to a good home where he can run around and play, he’ll be much better off. Of course, Sydney doesn’t mind at all. He gets all the attention now. I think I am going to keep him until I move into my condo. A week before I move I will put an ad in the paper and find him a new home too. I’ll buy a goldfish to keep me company. I don’t want Sydney throwing up on my carpet and I’m tired of all the animal hair that pervades my life.
So all in all, life seems to be doing okay. I’ve had the ability to feel more emotion lately than I’ve ever been capable of. I suppose it is good, but it does hurt. Dr. R said I need to stop and appreciate the sadness caused by the separation from T because I’ve crossed a milestone by allowing myself to get closer than I ever have before. It is hard to look at it that way when it hurts so badly.
January 17, 1993
My emotions are about to drive me crazy.
The same day I wrote my last journal entry I saw T at a meeting and we talked for two hours. I told him I needed him in my life. I do. We kissed, but the next day, we went back to not seeing or speaking to one another. It’s very sad. I’ve been sad ever since I got back to Knoxville from Christmas. This has been a very painful situation for me. At times, I yearn with all my being to see T and talk to him and hold him and be held, and, at other times, seeing only him is not what I want to do at all. When I was talking to him on Thursday night, I felt great. I felt comfortable and real. But, as soon as I hugged him and we kissed, I knew it was wrong.
I think what I miss the most is just talking but T says he can’t be with me if I am going to see other people. That’s understandable if he loves me as much as he says he does but I really do need him. There are a couple of other things I need to do. I need to start going to more meeting. I have not gone to many.....(page missing)
January 18, 1993
Today was much better than yesterday. There was no school because it was MLK’s birthday so I got up at 945. That is when T called me to tell me he missed me and was in a lot of pain. I really did not know what to say. I told him I missed him too but I thought it was better if we did not see each other at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation for some reason. Last night I was in a lot of pain and cried really hard, and then today, after T called and I said it was better not to see each other, I felt better, like I had done the right thing. I’m sure I’ll go through more bad days but it is getting better.
I hung out with B some today. She is going through a really hard time too. It’s almost the exact same situation as what T and I went through. She wants her space and isn’t sure if she really loves G or not. Big difference is they are engaged to be married. That has to make everything so much harder to understand. I told her she could come stay with me for a while if she wanted to. I feel bad for her because I know how painful it is to be in that space of not knowing and not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings and do the right thing and all that stuff. I think she’ll do what she needs to though.
January 19, 1993
I seem to be feeling better these days. I was actually in a good mood today. I went to all my classes and my first lab. It feels good to be busy. I gave Sydney away to a married couple who had to have their cat put to sleep on Friday. So now my apartment is empty. No animals, just me, myself, and I. AS and I went to go see the Madonna movie “Body of Evidence”. It was okay but not that great. It feels easier to hang out with AS since I talked to T yesterday. Now I think about it, I probably could not have seen other guys and him without feeling, I don’t know, beholden to him in some way. I would have felt guilty, but since I told him we should just stay apart for now, I did not feel bad when I left AS tonight. I actually had a good time. I’m starting to enjoy my life again. So far, I am doing what I need to do for school. I’ve promised myself at least three meetings per week. I’m going out. I’m staying busy. But, of course, there is still a lot of sadness. That will most likely stay. What feels good is that I am not ignoring it but I am living with it.
I wonder how B is?
January 26, 1993
Today was your typical shitty Monday. A lot of stuff happened. B found out she is pregnant. That was not shitty-that was good. When I called my mom last night, BT was there. They were talking. I would be willing to bet money she is going to take him back. That is pretty disappointing. She is being real defensive with me again and not talking. It is very, very painful to go through, again. I hope to god she does not take him back, but, she probably will. Then, after I found out about that, T called again, after two weeks, and we got into it. He wanted to know- right then- what my plans were concerning us and the future.
Classes started yesterday and it feels good to be back in school. Of course the parking situation sucks, but, as soon as some of those people start slacking off, parking will be better. That is the only aggravating aspect of it all. Long breaks drive me crazy too. Way too much time to think.
My life has gotten really busy again lately. I got elected to the position of Alternate Secretary for the Young People’s Group. B got elected Secretary. I might be busy helping to get that group together again.
I’ve gone out with AS three times. I’ve been toying with the idea of telling him I can’t see him anymore. He’s not really my type. He is a nice guy, but seems to be kind of superficial. I don’t know...maybe I could just keep hanging out with him just to have fun. Every time I go out with him though I leave thinking about T. My therapist says that is probably from wishing I had someone to talk to like I talked to T. I do miss talking to him. And snuggling with him, but I just don’t think I could go back right now. Maybe someday. I’ve been really sad ever since we decided to stop talking to and seeing each other at all. Really sad. I let more walls down with him than I have with anybody else and T really cared about me more than anyone ever has, boyfriend wise. I did talk to him the other night and it was good to talk to him. He seemed really sad too. I believe things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I finally met my next door neighbor-B. He is 24 years old and has three degrees. He is working on his fourth that is going to be a doctorate in geology. He wants to be an environmental consultant. He’s from Louisiana and is going to be in Knoxville until June and is going to try to get a grant so he can stay two more years. He is an Aquarius. He told me last night that Scorpios and Aquarians are attracted to one another because they signify opposite ends of the spectrum.
I talked to him for a while. He came over to my place to see it and we watched Seinfeld and then went to Acme Pizza. It was humorous when we got home because we said goodbye in the hallway and then went to our respective apartments. He’s not ugly, he is not a hunk, but he exudes an air of certainty. It is a very calm feeling. So now, I may start seeing him too, but I know I couldn’t see more than two guys at once. I would go crazy. I will keep the journal posted.
I gave Metoli away yesterday. The guy I gave him to was going to give him to his parents. The mom is retired and they live on land. I hope they are nice people. I miss him. It is strange not to have to go home periodically to let Metoli out or to have him bouncing around and sleeping with me. If he went to a good home where he can run around and play, he’ll be much better off. Of course, Sydney doesn’t mind at all. He gets all the attention now. I think I am going to keep him until I move into my condo. A week before I move I will put an ad in the paper and find him a new home too. I’ll buy a goldfish to keep me company. I don’t want Sydney throwing up on my carpet and I’m tired of all the animal hair that pervades my life.
So all in all, life seems to be doing okay. I’ve had the ability to feel more emotion lately than I’ve ever been capable of. I suppose it is good, but it does hurt. Dr. R said I need to stop and appreciate the sadness caused by the separation from T because I’ve crossed a milestone by allowing myself to get closer than I ever have before. It is hard to look at it that way when it hurts so badly.
January 17, 1993
My emotions are about to drive me crazy.
The same day I wrote my last journal entry I saw T at a meeting and we talked for two hours. I told him I needed him in my life. I do. We kissed, but the next day, we went back to not seeing or speaking to one another. It’s very sad. I’ve been sad ever since I got back to Knoxville from Christmas. This has been a very painful situation for me. At times, I yearn with all my being to see T and talk to him and hold him and be held, and, at other times, seeing only him is not what I want to do at all. When I was talking to him on Thursday night, I felt great. I felt comfortable and real. But, as soon as I hugged him and we kissed, I knew it was wrong.
I think what I miss the most is just talking but T says he can’t be with me if I am going to see other people. That’s understandable if he loves me as much as he says he does but I really do need him. There are a couple of other things I need to do. I need to start going to more meeting. I have not gone to many.....(page missing)
January 18, 1993
Today was much better than yesterday. There was no school because it was MLK’s birthday so I got up at 945. That is when T called me to tell me he missed me and was in a lot of pain. I really did not know what to say. I told him I missed him too but I thought it was better if we did not see each other at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation for some reason. Last night I was in a lot of pain and cried really hard, and then today, after T called and I said it was better not to see each other, I felt better, like I had done the right thing. I’m sure I’ll go through more bad days but it is getting better.
I hung out with B some today. She is going through a really hard time too. It’s almost the exact same situation as what T and I went through. She wants her space and isn’t sure if she really loves G or not. Big difference is they are engaged to be married. That has to make everything so much harder to understand. I told her she could come stay with me for a while if she wanted to. I feel bad for her because I know how painful it is to be in that space of not knowing and not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings and do the right thing and all that stuff. I think she’ll do what she needs to though.
January 19, 1993
I seem to be feeling better these days. I was actually in a good mood today. I went to all my classes and my first lab. It feels good to be busy. I gave Sydney away to a married couple who had to have their cat put to sleep on Friday. So now my apartment is empty. No animals, just me, myself, and I. AS and I went to go see the Madonna movie “Body of Evidence”. It was okay but not that great. It feels easier to hang out with AS since I talked to T yesterday. Now I think about it, I probably could not have seen other guys and him without feeling, I don’t know, beholden to him in some way. I would have felt guilty, but since I told him we should just stay apart for now, I did not feel bad when I left AS tonight. I actually had a good time. I’m starting to enjoy my life again. So far, I am doing what I need to do for school. I’ve promised myself at least three meetings per week. I’m going out. I’m staying busy. But, of course, there is still a lot of sadness. That will most likely stay. What feels good is that I am not ignoring it but I am living with it.
I wonder how B is?
January 26, 1993
Today was your typical shitty Monday. A lot of stuff happened. B found out she is pregnant. That was not shitty-that was good. When I called my mom last night, BT was there. They were talking. I would be willing to bet money she is going to take him back. That is pretty disappointing. She is being real defensive with me again and not talking. It is very, very painful to go through, again. I hope to god she does not take him back, but, she probably will. Then, after I found out about that, T called again, after two weeks, and we got into it. He wanted to know- right then- what my plans were concerning us and the future.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Life unfolds in pages.....thanks to all those who helped me on Ella's birthday...you are loved.
January 2, 1993
It is a pretty bland Saturday afternoon and I am down at Java’s alone and bored. I think it would probably be a good idea for me to go to a meeting. I’m not sure what my deal is. For about the last 15 minutes, I’ve seriously contemplated smoking again. I’m talking myself out of that one. Another thing I can’t quit thinking about is T. I’ve talked to him four times since we broke up. The first two times sucked. The third time we decided to be friends and just see what happens. I talked to him last night, around 1am, and it went pretty well. Then he called me again this morning and asked me out to lunch tomorrow. I still don’t know what I want. I do not know whether I want to be with somebody, anybody, or just T period. Or, do I really not want to be with anybody, but, I also don’t want to be alone? It’s hard to be patient and sit this out. No answer seems to be forthcoming.
January 4, 1993
My last entry is so short because when I was writing about how lonely I was, K showed up at Java’s and kept me company. I’ve felt better the last couple of days. B and I went dancing on Saturday night until 5:30am. I gave my phone number to one of her old roommates named D but, I probably won’t go out with him. This guy was in my religion class this semester. Not a very smart guy.
It was good for me to go out and be around people. T came and got me Sunday and we went to lunch, then took Metoli to the park to let him run around. Then B, T, and I went to a movie and then took B home. T and I went to his place and talked until 2:30am. This whole thing with T is really strange to me. I’ve really enjoyed being with him the last couple of times and I think I am just now really starting to care about him. It’s a lot easier to talk to him and be with him, to explain things to him, but only when we’re not together. And I’m going to date other people. Part of me seems sure that it wants to be with T. I’m always thinking about him and wanting him to call and talking about him. Lately, when I am with him, I feel so comfortable and, this is the really amazing part, my brain is quiet for the most part. This is the part that wants to forget everything and just see only him. Then there is this other part that wants to take things slow and go out on a couple of dates and just see what happens. Which is what I’ll most likely do.
January 5, 1993
Well, I finally went back to therapy today. I’m not too sure I liked what I heard. She said the reason T and I enjoyed being around each other more is because, now that I can do whatever I want again, my walls have gone back up. I don’t know if I agree with that or not. It doesn’t feel like all my walls are up again. I feel like it is easier to be real with T now. I enjoy being with him. Sometimes I really wonder about all this psychotherapy stuff. One the one hand, it does help, but, on the other, it gets very confusing when I’m trying to figure something out. Like this thing with T. Up until I went to therapy today, I was really enjoying what was going on, and I still am, but now, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I am enjoying it because my walls are up.
Right now I think it really does not matter. I think T and I deserve to enjoy each other’s company for a while. But I need to remember to ask my therapist about that.
I saw D tonight and took him to a meeting with me. He had just left K’s house and was all freaked out. I feel no pity for him. He brought it all on himself. And R called me tonight to see if I wanted to hang out. That was weird. He was going to meet me at Park 40 but did not because J was bitching about it. I expected as much. I have no idea why he was calling me in the first place. Probably just to get J upset-she fooled around on him a couple of week’s ago.
January 6, 1993
I had to go to the dentist this morning. I had a small cavity. I have to go back and get it filled Tuesday before school starts. I hate going to the dentist. Afterwards, T and I went to breakfast and a meeting. He was upset about me seeing other people, which I have not even done yet. Of course, he really doesn’t have a right to say much about it except that it upsets him. He did say if I was going to be seeing other people to please not be affectionate with him. At first, I thought this was unfair to ask me; to be fake around him, but now I understand. I’m sure it is hard for him considering how he feels about me and, there should be no mixed messages. I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. I keep going back and forth on that, but I suppose I don’t have to figure it all out today.
I wonder what it is about me? Why do the guys I get involved with either love me to death or don’t give a shit at all? And how come I don’t seem to be able to feel anything real or intense for them for more than six months? There must be something about six months because B was telling me she was resenting G and they have been together for six months. And, I wonder why I am so scared of commitment? I know I am only 19, and should not even be worrying about commitment, but, of course, I do.
I noticed tonight I am very critical of people. I need to stop doing that. That will be my goal for tomorrow. I’ll not say anything about anybody unless I can say something nice.
I need to call my mom and talk to her. I haven’t found out what is going on with her lately.
January 10, 1993
School is finally starting again!! Thank god!! I was about to get bored out of my mind. I have to go register tomorrow, buy my books and supplies, and then classes start on Wednesday. It’s going to take a while to get back into the routine-going to bed early, getting up early, doing homework, writing papers, going to class. It shouldn’t take too long.
B may be coming to stay with me for a while. She and G are having some problems. She’s really freaking out about the whole marriage/commitment type stuff. She’s not really sure if she cares about him or not, so she is thinking maybe the best way for her to figure it out is to get away from him for a while. It might work. In my own personal opinion, it is very hard for me to see them staying together because they are both so different. One never knows though. They could turn out to be the couple of the century, but, I seriously doubt it.
T and I are not going to see each other anymore. Things were cool between us for a while after we broke up but then we started bitching again the last couple of times we saw each other. T did not like the idea of me seeing other people. He got really freaked out and paranoid and very irrational. I went right back to feeling all pressured again and I did not like that but, it did really hurt when we finally did decide to stop seeing and talking to each other. This happened on Thursday and Friday. I was really sad and in a lot of pain and cried and talked to B, went to a meeting. Saturday, I slept really late, and when I finally did get up, I was pretty sad. I stayed around the house most of the day and then met N at Java’s at 12am. We went dancing at the Boiler Room. I was not really into it until later.
At first, I was still really sad and bored and trying to be cheery and happy go lucky. I eventually had a good time. At around 5:30am, I was dancing with L, and she introduced me to this guy named AS. I have noticed him at Java’s before, drawing in his little book, and had noticed him noticing me, but never had the ability, or the guts, to meet him before. So L introduced us. I got his number and he got mine around 6am this morning. He called me at 8pm tonight and I met him at Java’s around 930pm. We talked until 1130 and then I took him home. He said he would call me tomorrow when he got off work.
He seems like a pretty nice guy. He is 20 years old and works at Knoxville Graphic Arts as a, guess, graphic design artist. He’s not real manly, but, he is nice looking and so far, is fun to talk to. I’ll go out with him again and see. He’s a lot different from T. Considering the fact T and I do not seem to get along anymore, that could be a good thing.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
It is a pretty bland Saturday afternoon and I am down at Java’s alone and bored. I think it would probably be a good idea for me to go to a meeting. I’m not sure what my deal is. For about the last 15 minutes, I’ve seriously contemplated smoking again. I’m talking myself out of that one. Another thing I can’t quit thinking about is T. I’ve talked to him four times since we broke up. The first two times sucked. The third time we decided to be friends and just see what happens. I talked to him last night, around 1am, and it went pretty well. Then he called me again this morning and asked me out to lunch tomorrow. I still don’t know what I want. I do not know whether I want to be with somebody, anybody, or just T period. Or, do I really not want to be with anybody, but, I also don’t want to be alone? It’s hard to be patient and sit this out. No answer seems to be forthcoming.
January 4, 1993
My last entry is so short because when I was writing about how lonely I was, K showed up at Java’s and kept me company. I’ve felt better the last couple of days. B and I went dancing on Saturday night until 5:30am. I gave my phone number to one of her old roommates named D but, I probably won’t go out with him. This guy was in my religion class this semester. Not a very smart guy.
It was good for me to go out and be around people. T came and got me Sunday and we went to lunch, then took Metoli to the park to let him run around. Then B, T, and I went to a movie and then took B home. T and I went to his place and talked until 2:30am. This whole thing with T is really strange to me. I’ve really enjoyed being with him the last couple of times and I think I am just now really starting to care about him. It’s a lot easier to talk to him and be with him, to explain things to him, but only when we’re not together. And I’m going to date other people. Part of me seems sure that it wants to be with T. I’m always thinking about him and wanting him to call and talking about him. Lately, when I am with him, I feel so comfortable and, this is the really amazing part, my brain is quiet for the most part. This is the part that wants to forget everything and just see only him. Then there is this other part that wants to take things slow and go out on a couple of dates and just see what happens. Which is what I’ll most likely do.
January 5, 1993
Well, I finally went back to therapy today. I’m not too sure I liked what I heard. She said the reason T and I enjoyed being around each other more is because, now that I can do whatever I want again, my walls have gone back up. I don’t know if I agree with that or not. It doesn’t feel like all my walls are up again. I feel like it is easier to be real with T now. I enjoy being with him. Sometimes I really wonder about all this psychotherapy stuff. One the one hand, it does help, but, on the other, it gets very confusing when I’m trying to figure something out. Like this thing with T. Up until I went to therapy today, I was really enjoying what was going on, and I still am, but now, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I am enjoying it because my walls are up.
Right now I think it really does not matter. I think T and I deserve to enjoy each other’s company for a while. But I need to remember to ask my therapist about that.
I saw D tonight and took him to a meeting with me. He had just left K’s house and was all freaked out. I feel no pity for him. He brought it all on himself. And R called me tonight to see if I wanted to hang out. That was weird. He was going to meet me at Park 40 but did not because J was bitching about it. I expected as much. I have no idea why he was calling me in the first place. Probably just to get J upset-she fooled around on him a couple of week’s ago.
January 6, 1993
I had to go to the dentist this morning. I had a small cavity. I have to go back and get it filled Tuesday before school starts. I hate going to the dentist. Afterwards, T and I went to breakfast and a meeting. He was upset about me seeing other people, which I have not even done yet. Of course, he really doesn’t have a right to say much about it except that it upsets him. He did say if I was going to be seeing other people to please not be affectionate with him. At first, I thought this was unfair to ask me; to be fake around him, but now I understand. I’m sure it is hard for him considering how he feels about me and, there should be no mixed messages. I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. I keep going back and forth on that, but I suppose I don’t have to figure it all out today.
I wonder what it is about me? Why do the guys I get involved with either love me to death or don’t give a shit at all? And how come I don’t seem to be able to feel anything real or intense for them for more than six months? There must be something about six months because B was telling me she was resenting G and they have been together for six months. And, I wonder why I am so scared of commitment? I know I am only 19, and should not even be worrying about commitment, but, of course, I do.
I noticed tonight I am very critical of people. I need to stop doing that. That will be my goal for tomorrow. I’ll not say anything about anybody unless I can say something nice.
I need to call my mom and talk to her. I haven’t found out what is going on with her lately.
January 10, 1993
School is finally starting again!! Thank god!! I was about to get bored out of my mind. I have to go register tomorrow, buy my books and supplies, and then classes start on Wednesday. It’s going to take a while to get back into the routine-going to bed early, getting up early, doing homework, writing papers, going to class. It shouldn’t take too long.
B may be coming to stay with me for a while. She and G are having some problems. She’s really freaking out about the whole marriage/commitment type stuff. She’s not really sure if she cares about him or not, so she is thinking maybe the best way for her to figure it out is to get away from him for a while. It might work. In my own personal opinion, it is very hard for me to see them staying together because they are both so different. One never knows though. They could turn out to be the couple of the century, but, I seriously doubt it.
T and I are not going to see each other anymore. Things were cool between us for a while after we broke up but then we started bitching again the last couple of times we saw each other. T did not like the idea of me seeing other people. He got really freaked out and paranoid and very irrational. I went right back to feeling all pressured again and I did not like that but, it did really hurt when we finally did decide to stop seeing and talking to each other. This happened on Thursday and Friday. I was really sad and in a lot of pain and cried and talked to B, went to a meeting. Saturday, I slept really late, and when I finally did get up, I was pretty sad. I stayed around the house most of the day and then met N at Java’s at 12am. We went dancing at the Boiler Room. I was not really into it until later.
At first, I was still really sad and bored and trying to be cheery and happy go lucky. I eventually had a good time. At around 5:30am, I was dancing with L, and she introduced me to this guy named AS. I have noticed him at Java’s before, drawing in his little book, and had noticed him noticing me, but never had the ability, or the guts, to meet him before. So L introduced us. I got his number and he got mine around 6am this morning. He called me at 8pm tonight and I met him at Java’s around 930pm. We talked until 1130 and then I took him home. He said he would call me tomorrow when he got off work.
He seems like a pretty nice guy. He is 20 years old and works at Knoxville Graphic Arts as a, guess, graphic design artist. He’s not real manly, but, he is nice looking and so far, is fun to talk to. I’ll go out with him again and see. He’s a lot different from T. Considering the fact T and I do not seem to get along anymore, that could be a good thing.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
Happy Birthday Ella Lee!!!! Ladies & gentlemen, Charity Lee at 19......
January 1, 1993. 12:15am, 1 Year & 1 Week Clean
I decided to stop writing on New Year’s Eve and start again on New Year’s Day. My perspective has changed a lot in the last couple of hours. The really cool thing about this New Year is not what I did or didn’t do or who I was with or any of that stuff. The really cool thing was how I felt. I feel good. And hopeful. And interested. And committed. And amazed. And delighted. And more cautious. And more accepting. And more open to my feelings. And exploratory. And grounded. And productive. I could go on, but I won’t.
B and I went out for 15 minutes tonight and almost everyone we saw was trashed. Except us. Except me. It was such an energizing feeling. For 18 years (well, not quite 18), I’ve wanted to feel as though I had put the right foot forward or turned a new leaf at the start of a new year. I always disappointed myself. But not this year. This year, I can put the right foot forward because I can stand. I can turn a new leaf because I’ve got the motivation to do so. I finally feel like I am on the right track.
I’m doing some things the way they were meant to be done. B and I are really starting to get close. T and I aren’t seeing each other anymore in a romantic way but are going to try and learn to be friends. That feels really good. He came over tonight and it was pretty easy to talk to him. A lot of the pressure is gone. I don’t know if that is going to work out, but I feel like I am finally at a space where I can accept my feelings. I don’t know if I love him, but I do know I need him to talk to. I know when we can be together, without relationship pressures, I really enjoy his company. I know I’ve missed talking to him and hanging out. I’ve missed having fun with him for a long time now. So we’re just going to try to be friends. He can see other people and so can I. We’ll talk on the phone and hang out and do whatever it is friends do. It’s not always going to be easy but it won’t always be hard either. So, I’ll see what happens and take it as it comes. Maybe, if it never works out romantically, we can be friends. Or, we may find out we can’t be friends because of our past. I’ll never know unless action is taken.
Happy New Year Charity!!!!
I decided to stop writing on New Year’s Eve and start again on New Year’s Day. My perspective has changed a lot in the last couple of hours. The really cool thing about this New Year is not what I did or didn’t do or who I was with or any of that stuff. The really cool thing was how I felt. I feel good. And hopeful. And interested. And committed. And amazed. And delighted. And more cautious. And more accepting. And more open to my feelings. And exploratory. And grounded. And productive. I could go on, but I won’t.
B and I went out for 15 minutes tonight and almost everyone we saw was trashed. Except us. Except me. It was such an energizing feeling. For 18 years (well, not quite 18), I’ve wanted to feel as though I had put the right foot forward or turned a new leaf at the start of a new year. I always disappointed myself. But not this year. This year, I can put the right foot forward because I can stand. I can turn a new leaf because I’ve got the motivation to do so. I finally feel like I am on the right track.
I’m doing some things the way they were meant to be done. B and I are really starting to get close. T and I aren’t seeing each other anymore in a romantic way but are going to try and learn to be friends. That feels really good. He came over tonight and it was pretty easy to talk to him. A lot of the pressure is gone. I don’t know if that is going to work out, but I feel like I am finally at a space where I can accept my feelings. I don’t know if I love him, but I do know I need him to talk to. I know when we can be together, without relationship pressures, I really enjoy his company. I know I’ve missed talking to him and hanging out. I’ve missed having fun with him for a long time now. So we’re just going to try to be friends. He can see other people and so can I. We’ll talk on the phone and hang out and do whatever it is friends do. It’s not always going to be easy but it won’t always be hard either. So, I’ll see what happens and take it as it comes. Maybe, if it never works out romantically, we can be friends. Or, we may find out we can’t be friends because of our past. I’ll never know unless action is taken.
Happy New Year Charity!!!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Here I go....letting go....
April 11, 2010
Hello my friends and loved ones:
Tomorrow, my Ella would have been 8 years old. I will be celebrating as best I can, hopefully with many of you by my side, if not in person, in spirit.
Eight years ago tonight, I was in labor with my last child, and I was looking forward to holding my daughter in my arms. It was so worth the wait, and it is something I am, again, looking forward to.
Tonight, I feel as though I am about to give birth, in a literal way, to another labor of love.
Tomorrow, I am going to begin to share with anyone who is willing to read, the story of how I came to fall in love with my children and become the woman most of you know me as now.
I have edited nothing out of these entries other than first names. These are my thoughts, as I wrote them, at that moment in time. In some ways, you will find the Charity you have always known in these pages. I did and am so happy to have recognized myself again. In some ways, you will not recognize me at all. Trust me, there are times I have made myself cringe and want to throw my story at the wall. I just have to laugh at myself. Feel free to yourself.
I may or may not have much to say comment wise as this goes on. I feel letting all this go is pretty heavy commentary on my part and, honestly, I am scared to let it all go in the first place, much less debate my experiences with someone mean spirited. So none of that, if you read, please.
Lives are not lived to be forgotten, especially one I went to such great lengths to document, and fear is such a minor blip on my radar now, I have decided to follow Ella’s advice and run naked across the football field and see just what may transpire.
This is not the story many of you think you want to hear. This is the story of how we got there and where I learned everything I needed to still be able to sit here and write this.
Have a great night and I’ll see some of you tomorrow at Ella’s birthday dinner.
Love people. Love.
Hello my friends and loved ones:
Tomorrow, my Ella would have been 8 years old. I will be celebrating as best I can, hopefully with many of you by my side, if not in person, in spirit.
Eight years ago tonight, I was in labor with my last child, and I was looking forward to holding my daughter in my arms. It was so worth the wait, and it is something I am, again, looking forward to.
Tonight, I feel as though I am about to give birth, in a literal way, to another labor of love.
Tomorrow, I am going to begin to share with anyone who is willing to read, the story of how I came to fall in love with my children and become the woman most of you know me as now.
I have edited nothing out of these entries other than first names. These are my thoughts, as I wrote them, at that moment in time. In some ways, you will find the Charity you have always known in these pages. I did and am so happy to have recognized myself again. In some ways, you will not recognize me at all. Trust me, there are times I have made myself cringe and want to throw my story at the wall. I just have to laugh at myself. Feel free to yourself.
I may or may not have much to say comment wise as this goes on. I feel letting all this go is pretty heavy commentary on my part and, honestly, I am scared to let it all go in the first place, much less debate my experiences with someone mean spirited. So none of that, if you read, please.
Lives are not lived to be forgotten, especially one I went to such great lengths to document, and fear is such a minor blip on my radar now, I have decided to follow Ella’s advice and run naked across the football field and see just what may transpire.
This is not the story many of you think you want to hear. This is the story of how we got there and where I learned everything I needed to still be able to sit here and write this.
Have a great night and I’ll see some of you tomorrow at Ella’s birthday dinner.
Love people. Love.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Let's relax for the weekend.....
Since today is Friday and everyone wants to relax, and Monday is Ella’s birthday and that is the perfect day to start the beginning of what is, partially, her story, I have decided to postpone introducing you to the 19 year old me until April 12th.
Everyone have a great weekend and I am going to bug all of you to keep reading and to help me spread this site around.
Love, hugs, and everyone stay safe this weekend.
Everyone have a great weekend and I am going to bug all of you to keep reading and to help me spread this site around.
Love, hugs, and everyone stay safe this weekend.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Let's Take It Up a Notch, Shall We?
So I saw this video today in which Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, she of the teen motherhood, basically transmitted the message that if you have money, fame, and support, and don't forget good looks, it makes all the difference in the world if you happen to find yourself pregnant when you are still a child yourself. If you don't meet these criteria, life isn't "pretty". And let me just say here, her idea of what is not pretty is a palace compared to some of the places I have seen children living in.
For some reason I can not get the link to show as a link...copy and paste, watch it, and then get back to me.
http://www.eonline.com/videos/v52107_bristol-palins-new-psa.html
You know what I have to say to this.....BULLSHIT.
While money does make certain aspects of being a teen mother easier, it by no means insures an easy motherhood, childhood, or promises you a happy ending. There is also no doubt poverty, lack of education and opportunity bring their own hardships to the already daunting task of raising another human being and yourself at the same time.
No matter how you look at it, no matter your class or your race, loving and raising a child is one of the most daunting and gratifying tasks for those of us who have chosen-by chance or choice-to do, will ever face.
My intention in beginning Butterfly Flits was to create a dialogue, amongst my friends, about the issues of the day. For some reason this video really pissed me off and I decided it is probably time for me to begin to tell my story.
I am really tired of people thinking the key to success in life is money. I am tired of people believing they can not live through both their dreams and their nightmares. I am tired of the myth there are only certain paths to love, happiness, and fulfillment.
I am tired of people thinking children are a burden. They are a gift. I would know.
This so called PSA really flared my temper and raised my hackles high for some reason. I have been trying for a year now to figure out the best way to share the story I have to share and this stupid video sealed it all up for me.
From this point out Butterfly Flits is dedicated to introducing you to a family-my family. Most of you, at this point, already know the basics concerning the last three years of my life. I am not here to rehash all that.
I am now 36 years old. Since the age of 19, my life has been about two things: my son and, 8 years later, my daughter. I am a damn good mother the majority of the time, but, I made a lot of mistakes. I have lost them both. Don't be too quick to link the two former thoughts. They do not necessarily walk hand in hand at all times.
I have lived the last three years without my children in my arms and writing has been my only way to hold onto my mind and my love. I began to keep journals around the age of 8; one year after my father was murdered. I will not bore you with them because, for me, the story does not truly begin until I found out I was pregnant with my son, in 1993. Everything I lived through before this was just the dress rehearsal to make sure I would not forget my role, or my lines, in the upcoming life and death show.
I am going to expose myself to all of you in the hope that someone, somewhere, maybe one of you, maybe someone you share this blog with, will read our story, and know, feel, and continue to have faith in the fact there is always love and hope in this world. It is all around us at all times if we want to see it. It is hard at times I know. Believe me, it is there.
My kids taught me that. My kids have taught me everything.
My kids used to play this game with me. My daughter would look at me and say, "Charity, if I ran across a football field naked in the middle of a game, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course I would still love you. I would run after you and wrap a blanket around you but I would still love you." Then my son would say, "Mom, if I robbed a bank, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course, I would still love you. I would be disappointed in your choices and sad to lose you, but I would still love you."
The cliche you always hear about hind sight being 20/20.....well, it is not a cliche. It is true.
No matter where my child had to run to or what my child has done, I will always keep my word to them both, always love them both, and, now, hopefully, pass along all the important things I never would have learned without them, always, both.
Tomorrow I'll begin to introduce you to 19 year old Charity Lee and the beginning of......well, who knows that yet, right?
I may not be commenting much on here due to the fact I can't argue with my own words. They are where I was at at that moment in time. As always, please do have a discussion amongst yourselves. In today's world it is imposible to hide someone's identity but I will reveal none but mine, and, as time goes on, my children's. People will find out soon enough anyway.
Breathe. Here I go.
For some reason I can not get the link to show as a link...copy and paste, watch it, and then get back to me.
http://www.eonline.com/videos/v52107_bristol-palins-new-psa.html
You know what I have to say to this.....BULLSHIT.
While money does make certain aspects of being a teen mother easier, it by no means insures an easy motherhood, childhood, or promises you a happy ending. There is also no doubt poverty, lack of education and opportunity bring their own hardships to the already daunting task of raising another human being and yourself at the same time.
No matter how you look at it, no matter your class or your race, loving and raising a child is one of the most daunting and gratifying tasks for those of us who have chosen-by chance or choice-to do, will ever face.
My intention in beginning Butterfly Flits was to create a dialogue, amongst my friends, about the issues of the day. For some reason this video really pissed me off and I decided it is probably time for me to begin to tell my story.
I am really tired of people thinking the key to success in life is money. I am tired of people believing they can not live through both their dreams and their nightmares. I am tired of the myth there are only certain paths to love, happiness, and fulfillment.
I am tired of people thinking children are a burden. They are a gift. I would know.
This so called PSA really flared my temper and raised my hackles high for some reason. I have been trying for a year now to figure out the best way to share the story I have to share and this stupid video sealed it all up for me.
From this point out Butterfly Flits is dedicated to introducing you to a family-my family. Most of you, at this point, already know the basics concerning the last three years of my life. I am not here to rehash all that.
I am now 36 years old. Since the age of 19, my life has been about two things: my son and, 8 years later, my daughter. I am a damn good mother the majority of the time, but, I made a lot of mistakes. I have lost them both. Don't be too quick to link the two former thoughts. They do not necessarily walk hand in hand at all times.
I have lived the last three years without my children in my arms and writing has been my only way to hold onto my mind and my love. I began to keep journals around the age of 8; one year after my father was murdered. I will not bore you with them because, for me, the story does not truly begin until I found out I was pregnant with my son, in 1993. Everything I lived through before this was just the dress rehearsal to make sure I would not forget my role, or my lines, in the upcoming life and death show.
I am going to expose myself to all of you in the hope that someone, somewhere, maybe one of you, maybe someone you share this blog with, will read our story, and know, feel, and continue to have faith in the fact there is always love and hope in this world. It is all around us at all times if we want to see it. It is hard at times I know. Believe me, it is there.
My kids taught me that. My kids have taught me everything.
My kids used to play this game with me. My daughter would look at me and say, "Charity, if I ran across a football field naked in the middle of a game, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course I would still love you. I would run after you and wrap a blanket around you but I would still love you." Then my son would say, "Mom, if I robbed a bank, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course, I would still love you. I would be disappointed in your choices and sad to lose you, but I would still love you."
The cliche you always hear about hind sight being 20/20.....well, it is not a cliche. It is true.
No matter where my child had to run to or what my child has done, I will always keep my word to them both, always love them both, and, now, hopefully, pass along all the important things I never would have learned without them, always, both.
Tomorrow I'll begin to introduce you to 19 year old Charity Lee and the beginning of......well, who knows that yet, right?
I may not be commenting much on here due to the fact I can't argue with my own words. They are where I was at at that moment in time. As always, please do have a discussion amongst yourselves. In today's world it is imposible to hide someone's identity but I will reveal none but mine, and, as time goes on, my children's. People will find out soon enough anyway.
Breathe. Here I go.
Popping my blogging cherry......
So here's the deal.
For those of you who have seen my Facebook posts, you know I have very strong opinions and a lot to say. I believe it is a congenital condition.
To those of you who have actually been physically near me, you know I have no problem letting you know where I stand on issues. I stand for many. I am living for more. I believe that too is a congenital condition.
Facebook is not the best medium for me when I have a lot in my mind and I always do. I have started Butterfly Flits to divert the overflow.
I would like everyone to please envision Butterfly Flits as the kitchen table in the home of a happy, loving, and well-functioning family having a lively after dinner discussion. Got your picture of that in mind? Good. Hold that thought.
I am sure, beyond any doubt, I will offend at least one of you at some point if you continue reading. I will not ever intentionally set out to do so and, upon rebuttal, I can assure you I will always be sharp yet kind. The high road always has the best view anyway. These are my thoughts, and my thoughts alone, shaped and honed by this amazing and horrible life I have been blessed to live in.
If you you see something another way, please, do start a discourse. Do not start a pissing contest, bitch fight, or avalanche of negativity. We are all human beings and we are all beautiful and amazing in our own special way.
There is enough bullshit in the world. Let's just sit and have a good conversation for a change.
Life is full of surprises you know.
I'll get the conversation started soon.
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
For those of you who have seen my Facebook posts, you know I have very strong opinions and a lot to say. I believe it is a congenital condition.
To those of you who have actually been physically near me, you know I have no problem letting you know where I stand on issues. I stand for many. I am living for more. I believe that too is a congenital condition.
Facebook is not the best medium for me when I have a lot in my mind and I always do. I have started Butterfly Flits to divert the overflow.
I would like everyone to please envision Butterfly Flits as the kitchen table in the home of a happy, loving, and well-functioning family having a lively after dinner discussion. Got your picture of that in mind? Good. Hold that thought.
I am sure, beyond any doubt, I will offend at least one of you at some point if you continue reading. I will not ever intentionally set out to do so and, upon rebuttal, I can assure you I will always be sharp yet kind. The high road always has the best view anyway. These are my thoughts, and my thoughts alone, shaped and honed by this amazing and horrible life I have been blessed to live in.
If you you see something another way, please, do start a discourse. Do not start a pissing contest, bitch fight, or avalanche of negativity. We are all human beings and we are all beautiful and amazing in our own special way.
There is enough bullshit in the world. Let's just sit and have a good conversation for a change.
Life is full of surprises you know.
I'll get the conversation started soon.
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
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