July 6, 1993
I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.
I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.
My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.
My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....
Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.
I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.
I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.
Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.
July 8, 1993
I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.
It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.
Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.
I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.
My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.
Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.
July 12, 1993
I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.
I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.
July 14, 1993
I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.
When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.
It would kill me if anything did.
I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Isn't it grand how the past always has a way of catching up to you?! Love to all of you!!
June 26, 1993
I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.
It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.
It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.
One day.
June 27, 1993
Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.
I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.
I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.
June 30, 1993
I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.
I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.
I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.
But, of course, I will make it. I always do.
I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.
It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.
It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.
One day.
June 27, 1993
Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.
I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.
I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.
June 30, 1993
I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.
I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.
I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.
But, of course, I will make it. I always do.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Love is grand...have a happy and safe weekend. BF will pick up again Monday!!
June 24, 1993
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Now on Facebook!!
Be sure to check out Butterfly Flits on Facebook for an enhanced multi-media Flit experience.
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Thanks for taking your time to read and offer feedback!! It is much appreciated!!
And the story unfolds even more...that is the beauty of life you know.
June 16, 1993
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Making more progress than I thought--both today & then it seems.
June 10, 1993
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
No more initials....names have been included due to reader requests. Love to all...
May 2, 1993
I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.
I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.
I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.
I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.
May 4, 1993
I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.
I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.
May 24, 1993
It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!
I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.
I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
May 25, 1993
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.
Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.
I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.
I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.
I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.
I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.
May 4, 1993
I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.
I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.
May 24, 1993
It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!
I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.
I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
May 25, 1993
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.
Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.
Friday, April 16, 2010
April 1993 -- This may be it for the weekend. Have an adventure planned. If you have the time, read from start to now & talk to me!!
April 2, 1993
Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!
I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.
AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.
April 6, 1993
How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.
B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.
T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.
I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.
April 11, 1993
It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.
April 13, 1993
Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.
I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.
T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.
All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.
April 17, 1993
I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.
I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.
T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?
My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.
My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.
April 24, 1993
It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.
I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.
I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.
I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.
I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.
I was 13 weeks today.
April 30, 1993
Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.
Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!
I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.
AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.
April 6, 1993
How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.
B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.
T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.
I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.
April 11, 1993
It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.
April 13, 1993
Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.
I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.
T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.
All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.
April 17, 1993
I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.
I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.
T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?
My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.
My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.
April 24, 1993
It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.
I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.
I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.
I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.
I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.
I was 13 weeks today.
April 30, 1993
Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.
The dress rehearsal....
Do you remember when I said, at some point, all this was just the dress rehearsal for the last three years I lived through?
Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.
Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.
Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.
Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.
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