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September 1994...same old bullshit

September 1

I am all confused about what I want out of men. When it comes to Tom, I enjoy the emotional benefits but not romantic involvement. With Travis, it was almost the opposite. I have a feeling I am too selfish to care about somebody just for the sake of caring about them. So for the time being, I will just wait and see what happens. I think I am too scared to go out with Tom again. I don’t know that I would survive it.





September 6

It appears as though I am pretty much on my own again emotionally. Beth and I are going our separate ways. I am single for good. Julie and Christi both have children too so they are in similar boats as I am. Needless to say, I am scared of the time ahead. I know how hard it can be to not have emotional support so it is important I start living a bit more healthy. I have got to start going to meetings again. It is crazy of me to think I can get by without them on a more regular basis.





September 7

Christi came over for dinner tonight and it was good to see her again. It has been a really long time. Julie is going to have her baby tomorrow. They are going to induce her. I can’t imagine starting all over again. I don’t know that I would have the energy. I am going to call her before she goes in tomorrow morning and try to go see her tomorrow night if she feels up to it. I am feeling better emotionally today. I feel a bit more sane than I have been lately. It feels good.




September 13

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I finally found a painter so that is a big relief. Paris is doing well. He will be one soon. I need to start planning his party soon. It is still hard to believe it has been this long.

My emotional thing seems to have leveled out for now. Thank god. For awhile there, things were very difficult. I am still not sure what I want to do for a living but I will finish school anyway.

Julie had her baby. She had a little girl and named her Caitlin. She is a cute baby. I thought she would be.





September 14

I had to leave school early today because Paris had a fever. I took him to the doctor and he has an upper respiratory infection caused by a virus. They gave him some medicine and he came home and crashed.

I was in a really bad mood today for some reason. I do not enjoy going to school at all and what sucks is that I have such a long time left. I still think I should finish but I am not sure I want to do hair.

I cut all my credit cards up today. I have been spending way too much money lately. It is time to put a stop to it.




September 15

Paris seemed to feel much better today. His fever is gone but his nose is still a little runny. It is about 9:15 now and he is laying in bed talking to himself. Hopefully he will go on to bed without throwing a fit. I doubt it but we will see.

I had a pretty good day today. I had to go to the dentist and Paris had to go to the ear doctor for his post-op check up. His ears are fine. I talked to Sean and his roommate Casey. HE came over to get an advance on his painting; he starts Monday. When I was taking Paris on his walk, I ran into some friends from AA down the street. My attitude is a little better (at least for today) about school. I am still not sure I want to do hair but we will see. I am thinking about going down to the UT Career Planning place and taking a test and see what it says about where my interests lies because I really do not know at this point in my life. All I know is that I cannot live off my mom forever.

Paris is just talking up a storm right now.




September 17

I had a pretty good day today. School went all right and they let us go home an hour early. I got stuck in traffic because of the football game. I met some friends for dinner and strolled Paris around the Old City for awhile. Afterwards, we came home and played for about an hour. We had a lot of fun on the bed. After he went to bed, I cleaned the apartment like crazy. It looks a lot better now. Painting begins on the 19th.

I am starting to enjoy being single. It is kind of nice to get a routine down. Paris goes to sleep and I spend a couple of hours doing my thing and I go to bed early. It isn’t all that bad. I still miss companionship but, all in all, it isn’t as bad as I always imagined. I am starting to feel kind of like I did when I was pregnant. So far, that has had to have been one of the best periods of my life.




September 22

My mom came into town today and we took Paris shopping in Pigeon Forge. We got some cute clothes and his first pair of Chuck Taylor’s, black of course. Paris went home with my mom so his bedroom can get painted.

Andrew is in town because we have to go to court on Monday. He got here yesterday afternoon, called today, and I have not heard from him or seen him since. Considering he has been here over 24 hours, he obviously is not that interested in seeing Paris. Some people never change. It is too bad if he calls now with Paris not even being here.

It has been really hard to be into school lately. I hate going and I hate being there but for some reason I will not quit. I think I just have to stick it out for my own peace of mind. Or maybe it should be peace of soul.




September 26

A lot happened this weekend. Andrew was in town and did not call. I saw him at court today. I found out that Julie sold pot to Jessica’s dad while she was pregnant. Beth married Gerald. And me, I just went to Louisville, KY and danced.

Andrew came into town on Wednesday. That was five days ago. I did not see him until today. Court went well. I now get $509/month in child support and $91/month in arrears for 43 months. Andrew gets limited visitation and must give four weeks notice before coming. This is in effect for two years.