Thanks for all the feedback--more info at one time it is--March 1993

March 4, 1993

I have asked AS to move out. I started thinking about my pregnancy and came to the conclusion that if I had planned this out, AS would not have been the guy I would have chosen for the father. I also realized I do not care about him enough to try and raise a child with him. AS does not even really want this baby, and I want my baby to be wanted by both parents. He has not decided yet whether or not he is going to take responsibility for the baby. So I am very fed up with him, to say the least. I think, deep down, I want him to just go away and stay out of my way. He said some pretty mean and low things last night, like he felt sorry for my baby because it was going to have me as mother and that I was always an emotional wreck.



March 6, 1993

AS is gone but not until after a very chaotic scene. I was supposed to go to Atlanta yesterday and I asked AS not to stay at the condo while I was gone. I decided not to go to Atlanta and came back to the condo around 5:15 to get in touch with my mom. AS was there--moving his stuff. I started to help him. He said a lot of really mean things but he is gone now. He has decided not to take on the responsibility of his child.

I was feeling much better today, until just a minute ago. When I was leaving the condo to come down to Java, I saw AS in the parking lot and he was loading all his stuff into his ex-girlfriend C’s car. I really know how to pick them don’t I? This whole experience is really painful but I have to pull through for my sake and the baby’s. I don’t think a guy has ever rejected me and I can’t believe AS would reject his own baby. I should just expect the worst from him. It didn’t take him long to get back in touch with C.





March 8, 1993

I’m not sure what kind of Monday it was. A lonely Monday. A frustrating Monday. A typical Monday. I had to deal with AS again this morning. T came over on my lunch hour and lost it. I’m still kind of confused about that one. My mom has no feelings whatsoever. I’m not exactly sure how to work my budget out. I have to pay for the last part of the coffee table, phone, and KUB bill. All before March 20th. I think I will ask my mom to give me my money before I go to the beach.

My mom is really upsetting me. She hasn’t said anything positive about me being pregnant. I really do think she cares for her horse’s babies more than her own daughter’s baby. She even said the other day I should “foal” in Atlanta. I am not a goddamned horse. I asked her today what she felt about me having a baby and she said - we’ll make the best of it and that I do not know what a surprise I am in for. Then she said she was still in shock but she wants a girl and BT wants a boy.

Who cares what BT wants?




March 14, 1993

It has been a really hard week and an even harder weekend. AS has been gone for a week now and it is not any easier. If I am real honest, I miss him and the comfort of having him here. I called info tonight to get his number and, if it had been listed, probably would have done something stupid. I feel pretty lonely at times. It can get almost unbearable. This is the first time in 15 months I have been out of a relationship and planned on not becoming involved in another one. I probably need to stay out of them. I don’t seem to have the best of luck these days.

T and I had started to talk again but not anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now. He says it is too painful and that I can’t be real 100% of the time. I can’t. Everybody has their bad days I thought, but T says he is perfect. I don’t buy it.

I’ve been cooped up in this condo since Friday night because Knoxville has had over a foot of snow so the whole town shut down. I’m about to go stir crazy. I hope school is in tomorrow just to have something to do.

Humans are definitely social animals.




March 16, 1993

It has been quite the two days. I was so ready to get out of this house yesterday so I called B to see what she was up to. Her cousin said she was in the hospital. So I went to the emergency room and spent the day there. B had been bleeding a little and having cramps. They told her it was a false miscarriage but the doctor wanted her to do a follow up with him today. She went to the doctor today and she is going to miscarry. Her baby has not been developing right. B is crushed.

It was hard to know what to say to someone who is still pregnant but who is losing her baby and knows it. I know it must be terrible. It would devastate me. I am just going to let my shit go for a while and be there for B as much as I possibly can. It is going to be really hard for her for a while.

I pray this does not happen to me. I pray my pregnancy goes full term and I have a healthy baby. What is really strange is the night before B went to the hospital, I dreamt about a miscarriage. I woke up thinking it was mine. Maybe it was B’s. It could be mine. I hope to god it’s not.

I saw AS today. D told me he was moving to New York. I stopped by his office to find out if it was true and how to get a hold on him in the future to sign release forms. He was rude, curt, and altogether immature and disgusting. I really was trying to be polite today considering I was in his office, but, he made no attempt whatsoever to be civil. I am starting to wonder whatever compelled me to go out with him, to sleep with him, to let him move into my condo...etc. I must not have been in my right mind.

I wonder what I will tell my child about his or her father? He was a talented sketcher? That’s the only positive thing I can come up with, but I have plenty of time to think about that.






March 17, 1993

B thinks she is going to miscarry soon. She says she has passed a couple of blood clots. It has got to be killing her. I know this happening to her has got me very paranoid about my baby miscarrying. That would have to be the hardest thing to go through sober. Or it ranks right up there with hard things. She said if her doctor lets her, she is still going to come to Destin. I think it would be really good for her to still go. She probably needs to get away more than she realizes.

My lawyer finally talked to AS. All that should be settled soon; at least legally. I have a lot to work on emotionally. I’m not getting as lonely as I was at first, but I still get lonely of course. I don’t have much self-confidence in my looks right now. It is a chore to go to school anymore although I think I did okay on a math test today.

Feedback!!

So is anyone even reading this or am I agonizing over nothing as I let this stuff go?

If you are reading, give me some feedback.

Let me know what you think. Let me know if you want more or less content. I have all the way until 2006 to get through before I stop. That story will not be told here. But let me hear something people!! Your silence is causing mild panic attacks.

And, please, share this on your Facebook pages, with your students, with your associates, with anyone you know who works with teen parents, drug addicts, domestic and family violence victims, anyone you can think of who may hear part of my past, relate it to their present, and use it to get through the moment.

Love to all. Hugs too.

Charity