Sorry for the delay...some days are really bad.

September 2, 1993

I saw Tom and Tia together for the first time tonight. It left me feeling sad. I expected this, but it is still unnerving. I know I would not ever want Tom back but I think it reminded me I get lonely for companionship of that sort. But, of course, I know I have no choice but to be patient in this matter. I am sure when the right someone comes along, I will know. I think a lot of what it was is that I felt left out. Beth was going to watch movies at a friend of ours house and no one invited me because Tom and Tia were going. I am not a baby.

So now I feel even more like my life is going somewhere else than most of the people I know because I am having a baby. Or something like that. I do think it is as much me as them though. I feel different. Kind of disjointed. I have felt this way before so I know I will be okay. I will eventually find where I fit in again.

Never fear, I always persevere.






September 7, 1993

Home again! Thank god. I went to NYC this weekend with Boyce and I am so glad to be home. Or maybe I should say Boyce went to NYC with me. Do you know he did not bring ANY money with him to NY? I can still hardly believe it myself. Needless to say, this trip convinced me he is not someone I would want to get involved with. He seems...slick. I can’t quite describe why I think that but it is just a feeling I get. I am glad I took some time getting to know him first.

I talked to Beth some about her pregnancy and how I feel about it. I don’t really feel any better because I don’t really feel like we are connecting anymore. It could just be because I am tired but I think it is also that we don’t have a lot in common anymore. Things are a lot different now for both of us. I just cannot stomach a lot of what she does and I don’t feel like she can really relate to me anymore. I am not going to force the issue. I am just going to wait and see what happens.

Andrew called my lawyer on Friday and told him he was going to get the paper signed and in the mail this week. We will see. I know it is for the best because Paris does not need a part-time father but I still feel rejected. It’s a paradox. I don’t want Andrew but I wonder what is wrong with Paris and me to make us undesirable. I know, logically, it is nothing that is wrong with us but, emotionally, it still hurts.








September 10, 1993

I have had one of those think and feel days. I finally told Beth how I feel about her being pregnant and that I am not the one to help her through this. It is not that I don’t care but my own personal feelings stand in the way of me being an effective support person. I don’t know where this leaves our friendship. All I can do now is sit back and see what happens. I believe, if we are as close as we think, it will be worked out over time. If not, it won’t. So although I feel better about standing true to my beliefs and all, I feel sad at the same time because I don’t know if I lost a friend or not.

Then I had someone ask me later on why I had been keeping people out lately? That is a really good question. I know I have my hard times but I haven’t really been letting anyone else know I have had my hard times. I know I need to try and change that and I am sure I will. I am seriously contemplating calling Debbie at Agape and seeing if she will sponsor me. Imagine that, me with a sponsor. I also got a card in the mail about that single parent group and I think I am going to go. Christi said she would go with me.






September 13, 1993

After spending most of the weekend trying to figure out if I did the right thing with Beth, I realized I probably did not because it was causing me so much grief.






September 22, 1993

Five weeks left. Five very short weeks. Then, my whole life will be different. At least, in some ways. Lately I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I am not sure why. I’ll go to two meeting a day and I have been staying at the cancer center a lot working. I believe I am just trying to cram as much as possible in before Paris is born because, for some insane reason, I think sometimes my life is going to be over when Paris finally gets here. I know it is insane. Life will change but it will not end. Of that, I am sure.

I know deep down what I am experiencing is fear of the unknown and that I just need to chill out. I’ve done relatively well with my life the last 21 months so I see no reason why it would not continue to be so. I know once Paris arrives, parenthood will become more like second nature as I get into the swing of it.

I drove to Atlanta and back yesterday to pick out my mom’s Christmas present. It was very tiring but at least it is done now. This was the best time to do it because she is out of the country. I got a ring that is really three rings melded together, and, on each ring, will be one of our names and birth years. I think she will like it. Mr. Harp gave me the money out of my money market.

I saw Andrew’s dad today at the cancer center. I was in the office and he was sitting on the balcony of the apartment he is staying in. I know he saw me but I do not know if he recognized me or not. Probably not. I felt bad for him.

When you get a chance to see people that don’t know they are being watched, you can see them let their guard down. He looked tired and lonely. He was smoking and when I met him a long time ago, he had quit because of his health. That is what Andrew told me. So he obviously must be under a lot of stress. I would be if Paris were to jump off a building in order to die. It would break my heart. But there is nothing I can do for Mr. Smith with the legal situation the way it is.

Speaking of Andrew, I talked to my lawyer yesterday and asked him to try and get a recent picture of Andrew for me to give to Paris when he is older. I know he will want, at least, to know what his dad looked like and I won’t be able to show him.






September 30, 1993

The last couple of days have been crazy but I seem to be finally settling down. So much has gone on emotionally I am not sure where to begin.

Starting about two weeks ago, I began thinking about Tom again. At first, I thought it was just a phase because I was lonely or some reason like that. But it didn’t stop. I started having dreams with him in them and, when I was awake, our relationship was always in the back of my mind. So I talked to Beth and Christi to see what they thought and finally decided what I needed to do was get some closure on the relationship. So I wrote Tom a letter- a 10 page letter -then called and asked him to meet me somewhere. He did and we talked for three hours on Tuesday. Then we talked again last night. Now I am not so sure that what I want is closure. Actually, if I am real honest, I am not exactly sure what I want. Part of me thinks I might want him back but, part of me thinks I just want to be friends. But the cool thing is that we are talking and actually getting along. Today, at least, I seem to be feeling a special softness for him. There is nothing I can do about it though. He is with Tia now and I am having Paris in four weeks. We are just going to be friendly to one another and, if I ever need him or want to talk, I’ll call work and he knows he can call me if he wants to. I do not know where all this is going to end up, if anywhere at all. In a way, I feel good about it all and, in a way, I feel real sad. I feel good because we have been able to be real honest about feelings, at least I know I have, but I feel sad because, when I finally get to the point where I know how I feel or even how to feel, circumstances are all wrong.

Really though, it isn’t all wrong. We are getting along quite well. Now I know that just because you love somebody, it does not mean you can be with them. And I really hate to think of Tom with Tia. I don’t buy her and I get the impression Tom is settling for something. I don’t want that for him. Even if he isn’t meant to be with me, I would like to know he is getting something that was what he wanted. He keeps telling me Tia is low risk and, for some reason, that just sounds bad. Of course,  a lot of how I feel is based on jealousy. I don’t know for sure that it is Tom I want back. I know at this point I would like to be able to get along with him. I don’t know at what level. I know I would like to be able to share my life with someone but not just anyone. Today, I have certain standards and specific needs and wants.

I’m just going to try and take it easy and do what is best for me and my child.