More outtakes of a life....

January 14, 1993

Classes started yesterday and it feels good to be back in school. Of course the parking situation sucks, but, as soon as some of those people start slacking off, parking will be better. That is the only aggravating aspect of it all. Long breaks drive me crazy too. Way too much time to think.

My life has gotten really busy again lately. I got elected to the position of Alternate Secretary for the Young People’s Group. B got elected Secretary. I might be busy helping to get that group together again.

I’ve gone out with AS three times. I’ve been toying with the idea of telling him I can’t see him anymore. He’s not really my type. He is a nice guy, but seems to be kind of superficial. I don’t know...maybe I could just keep hanging out with him just to have fun. Every time I go out with him though I leave thinking about T. My therapist says that is probably from wishing I had someone to talk to like I talked to T. I do miss talking to him. And snuggling with him, but I just don’t think I could go back right now. Maybe someday. I’ve been really sad ever since we decided to stop talking to and seeing each other at all. Really sad. I let more walls down with him than I have with anybody else and T really cared about me more than anyone ever has, boyfriend wise. I did talk to him the other night and it was good to talk to him. He seemed really sad too. I believe things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I finally met my next door neighbor-B. He is 24 years old and has three degrees. He is working on his fourth that is going to be a doctorate in geology. He wants to be an environmental consultant. He’s from Louisiana and is going to be in Knoxville until June and is going to try to get a grant so he can stay two more years. He is an Aquarius. He told me last night that Scorpios and Aquarians are attracted to one another because they signify opposite ends of the spectrum.

I talked to him for a while. He came over to my place to see it and we watched Seinfeld and then went to Acme Pizza. It was humorous when we got home because we said goodbye in the hallway and then went to our respective apartments. He’s not ugly, he is not a hunk, but he exudes an air of certainty. It is a very calm feeling. So now, I may start seeing him too, but I know I couldn’t see more than two guys at once. I would go crazy. I will keep the journal posted.

I gave Metoli away yesterday. The guy I gave him to was going to give him to his parents. The mom is retired and they live on land. I hope they are nice people. I miss him. It is strange not to have to go home periodically to let Metoli out or to have him bouncing around and sleeping with me. If he went to a good home where he can run around and play, he’ll be much better off. Of course, Sydney doesn’t mind at all. He gets all the attention now. I think I am going to keep him until I move into my condo. A week before I move I will put an ad in the paper and find him a new home too. I’ll buy a goldfish to keep me company. I don’t want Sydney throwing up on my carpet and I’m tired of all the animal hair that pervades my life.

So all in all, life seems to be doing okay. I’ve had the ability to feel more emotion lately than I’ve ever been capable of. I suppose it is good, but it does hurt. Dr. R said I need to stop and appreciate the sadness caused by the separation from T because I’ve crossed a milestone by allowing myself to get closer than I ever have before. It is hard to look at it that way when it hurts so badly.




January 17, 1993

My emotions are about to drive me crazy.

The same day I wrote my last journal entry I saw T at a meeting and we talked for two hours. I told him I needed him in my life. I do. We kissed, but the next day, we went back to not seeing or speaking to one another. It’s very sad. I’ve been sad ever since I got back to Knoxville from Christmas. This has been a very painful situation for me. At times, I yearn with all my being to see T and talk to him and hold him and be held, and, at other times, seeing only him is not what I want to do at all. When I was talking to him on Thursday night, I felt great. I felt comfortable and real. But, as soon as I hugged him and we kissed, I knew it was wrong.

I think what I miss the most is just talking but T says he can’t be with me if I am going to see other people. That’s understandable if he loves me as much as he says he does but I really do need him. There are a couple of other things I need to do. I need to start going to more meeting. I have not gone to many.....(page missing)




January 18, 1993

Today was much better than yesterday. There was no school because it was MLK’s birthday so I got up at 945. That is when T called me to tell me he missed me and was in a lot of pain. I really did not know what to say. I told him I missed him too but I thought it was better if we did not see each other at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation for some reason. Last night I was in a lot of pain and cried really hard, and then today, after T called and I said it was better not to see each other, I felt better, like I had done the right thing. I’m sure I’ll go through more bad days but it is getting better.

I hung out with B some today. She is going through a really hard time too. It’s almost the exact same situation as what T and I went through. She wants her space and isn’t sure if she really loves G or not. Big difference is they are engaged to be married. That has to make everything so much harder to understand. I told her she could come stay with me for a while if she wanted to. I feel bad for her because I know how painful it is to be in that space of not knowing and not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings and do the right thing and all that stuff. I think she’ll do what she needs to though.




January 19, 1993

I seem to be feeling better these days. I was actually in a good mood today. I went to all my classes and my first lab. It feels good to be busy. I gave Sydney away to a married couple who had to have their cat put to sleep on Friday. So now my apartment is empty. No animals, just me, myself, and I. AS and I went to go see the Madonna movie “Body of Evidence”. It was okay but not that great. It feels easier to hang out with AS since I talked to T yesterday. Now I think about it, I probably could not have seen other guys and him without feeling, I don’t know, beholden to him in some way. I would have felt guilty, but since I told him we should just stay apart for now, I did not feel bad when I left AS tonight. I actually had a good time. I’m starting to enjoy my life again. So far, I am doing what I need to do for school. I’ve promised myself at least three meetings per week. I’m going out. I’m staying busy. But, of course, there is still a lot of sadness. That will most likely stay. What feels good is that I am not ignoring it but I am living with it.

I wonder how B is?





January 26, 1993

Today was your typical shitty Monday. A lot of stuff happened. B found out she is pregnant. That was not shitty-that was good. When I called my mom last night, BT was there. They were talking. I would be willing to bet money she is going to take him back. That is pretty disappointing. She is being real defensive with me again and not talking. It is very, very painful to go through, again. I hope to god she does not take him back, but, she probably will. Then, after I found out about that, T called again, after two weeks, and we got into it. He wanted to know- right then- what my plans were concerning us and the future.