Aug 1994 -- One thing I have noticed about myself is I make a lot of mistakes but I never seem to give up trying.

 August 5

Things have been difficult for me lately. I am getting tired and it is not helping my emotional stability at all. It is getting hard to maintain a positive attitude about school and, a lot of time, just to get myself there. I don’t feel like I get to see Paris all that much, or, on the flip side, that I don’t have any time for myself, ever. I have been to one meeting in a month. I don’t seem to have any real close friends left. Beth and I talk about once a week. Christi and I never talk, Tom and I are still learning to be friends, Julie and I are still building trust, etc.

I think what I need to do is just get back to the basics.

Keep my ego in check.
Write in my journal.
Go to bed early.
One meeting a week at least.
Do something for myself once a week.




August 13

I am not very happy today. I did not make it to school because Julie went to the hospital last night and I stayed with her until 3am. She did not deliver but it brought back a lot of memories for me. Seeing Donavan there with Julie made me sad because I still wish I had someone with me when I gave birth to Paris.

Missing school again really got me down on myself. It makes me wonder if I have what it takes to make it through all this. Sometimes I wish I could just get married, work in some coffee shop part-time, and have two or three more kids. I guess I still really don’t have any idea what I want to do with myself. I have been sober almost three years. I am a mother and I will be 21 soon yet I still feel lost.

Will I ever find what I am looking for?




August 15

Paris had tubes put in his ears today so, hopefully, it will help him out. He was not a happy camper right after surgery but he was fine by this afternoon. He also got his first pair of shoes today. He looks so cute in them. He is getting so big so fast. This has a lot to do with what has been on my mind lately.

I want to spend more time with Paris. I am not sure that I want to work at Salon Visage anymore because of the hours required to keep your job. I do not really like the lifestyle of most of the people in the field and I think I would like to lead a more simple life.

I don’t know that I would be happy working in a coffee shop or bookstore somewhere raising Paris but, on the other hand, I don’t want to depend on my mother forever. I would like to support myself one day. So see, I am all confused as to what I want to do. I guess time will tell.




August 16

I am still not sure what I want to do with myself. I talked to Adam at school and he wants me to finish. Then I went to JFG and they most likely would have a job for me if I want it. I just do not know what I want.

I think the best thing for me to do is to finish school and then just take it from there. If I don’t want to do hair then I do not have to, but I hate to waste all that time if I don’t even want to do hair.




August 22

I am no longer seeing Travis. Somewhere along the line our personalities stopped working together. We were starting to pick at each other a lot and getting into a lot of arguments. My biggest concern is about us having to work together in the future. At any rate, I am going to try to stay single for awhile and get myself a little more surefooted as to what I want to do with myself.

Tom told me the other day that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. In all honesty, I have not gotten over him at all yet and I do not really know I if I ever will. But I do know I should not do anything to push the issue. I am just going to keep being his friend and see what happens.

As far as what I want to do with myself, I still really do not know. I take Thursdays off from school now to hang with Paris. I have been having the urge to go back to college and to work part-time. I am still confused about what direction to go in. So for now, I will just keep going to school I guess.

I seem to be going through an unusually unhappy time right now. I am so indecisive about what to do with myself. This has been going on for weeks now and I cannot make any decision. This is so unlike me.




August 28

I have decided to stay in beauty school. I really love what I do so I can finish it out. It is nice to have finally reached a decision.

I have got to let Tom know I think it best we not be around one another anymore. We got into an argument 2 or 3 days ago and it made me realize nothing has changed between us. We still do not know how to get along for extended periods of time. I could do with NOT having all that craziness in my life again. I wish there was a way for both of us to just forget our romantic involvement and be friends but I don’t see it happening.

Travis and I worked out our differences a couple of days ago. He called tonight to talk and told me he wanted to go to a going away party and was most likely going to get wasted. I got upset. Not because he was going to drink but because I can’t. Sometimes I get so angry that I have to avoid parties friends are at just because there is going to be drinking. I got upset about a couple of things Travis said. He said he never partied with his friends anymore. That is not true. Allman Brothers, Seth’s party, etc., etc., etc. I don’t get to party with my friends. It upset me Travis could not go with me and just have a couple of drinks and quit instead of planning on getting plastered. And he said he just wanted to loosen up. Can he not do that without drinking?

Anyway, this could turn into a big issue in the long run because the idea of being involved with someone who uses scares me. Tonight was enough to get me feeling sorry for myself because I cannot drink and participate in these things (which I know is ridiculous) but thinking that way felt very scary. You know what is said: Poor me, poor me, poor me, pour me another drink. No way! That is not for me!

I am feeling I don’t have any close friends left. Beth is moving to Chattanooga at the beginning of the year and right now, in Knoxville, is in her own world. Christi and I hardly ever speak anymore and, even if Julie and I were close, she is getting ready to have a baby. It sucks. I feel very lonely these days, very left out emotionally.




August 28

Had a turbulent day today. I think I am going to set a goal for myself to try to lead a boring life. I got into arguments with Tom and Travis and spent most of my day alone with Paris.

I really need to get my life in better shape or, better yet, I need to get my emotional life in better shape. I really need to start getting to meetings more regularly because things are starting to get chaotic and I have been thinking a lot about drinking. I don’t think I will do it but it is a good indication that something is wrong with my emotional balance.




August 30

Made some adjustments in my life again. I didn’t see Travis all weekend because after he went to that party he went to Atlanta alone and partied. This, of course, got me very upset. Anyway, he came over last night and we talked about it. Some of the reasons he gave about why he drinks made me uncomfortable. I stopped seeing him. I think this is for the best.

I apologized to Tom for what I said in our argument. It made me feel better for doing so. We are going to try to be friends.