April 4
I ended up going to ICYPAA. Paris was feeling much better so my mom met me in Atlanta and kept Paris Friday and Saturday. She wanted to box up Billy’s stuff.
April 7
I hired a girl on Saturday to keep Paris when I start school. Her name is Jennifer B. and she got glowing references. My mom is not going to pay her. Of course, that makes me angry because she said she would pay for Paris’ childcare when I went back to school. I am really tired of my mother reneging on her word. I am going to try to speak to her as little as possible for a while and see if that will help me out in the anger department.
April 12
Tom and I got into another argument. He was telling me how he was feeling and I was listening. We got on the topic of our relationship. I told him I did not have much trust in our relationship. He got upset and said this was not the appropriate time to bring that up because he was already freaking out in the first place. He left. I guess I’ll see what happens. I am still thinking the situation over. I am not sure if I was wrong or not.
(Night....)
Just got off the phone with Tom a minute ago. He has decided, again, that he needs a week or so to get his life together, sort out his stuff, and, while he does that, he needs to put our relationship on hold. I am hurt, angry, and disappointed. I don’t think I will be here if he decides to come back again. It doesn’t seem right to me to walk away from a relationship to get one’s life in order. It seems that a relationship is supposed to be part of one’s life. I do hope he achieves his goal and I will continue to work on achieving mine. It is so very sad though. I expect life to be a little rough in the days ahead. I think I will make it okay though. I know I have to; for myself and for Paris.
April 13, 1994 (Never sent)
Dear Tom:
I don’t quite know where I am going with this letter but I feel it is my only way to get what I need to say out of my system. For many reasons I don’t think I can say these things directly to you. I have ended up feeling pretty hurt by our relationship. This latest thing of you needing to take space to get your life in order might have been the final straw. I don’t know yet. You and my mother both have been pretty disappointing and I am not sure I can handle much more disappointment on this scale right now. Twice, our engagement has been broken and now this. I know that you think that love can conquer all but I am not so sure. It seems as though you place a lot of conditions on how our relationship must be for you to participate in it. I don’t know that I can, or ever, want to meet those conditions. A lot of times I feel that in order to be with you, I must conform to your idea of what a good partner is and I am not tolerated when I make mistakes. To me, this is not what love is about. To me, love is about allowing someone to be who they are or to figure it out and to allow someone to fuck up along the way. I know that you don’t have to accept this and can choose not to deal with this and go about your business. Maybe you can find someone who can meet your expectations but I really do not think so. It seems to me that if you truly love someone, then you stick it out, no matter what. I’m not sure either one of us is willing to do that at this point. It hurts like hell to not have you in my life but it hurts even more to have you in my life and to feel like I am being intolerable and judged by your standards. I am pretty sure I know what I need to do. It is the same thing I was going to do before I saw you in Atlanta. That is get on with my life, develop my own personality in the best way I think to go about doing it, develop my own standards, and work through all the anger, resentment, hurt, and disappointment caused by our relationship.
Right now I have a low opinion of you. I think you are a chicken shit. I think you are arrogant and impatient and you don’t tolerate others or where they are at all. I think you think you have all the answers and that in order for people to be in your life they have to live according to the doctrine of Tom. Regardless of whether all this is true or not, it is not good to have such a low opinion of someone I want to be with. So it seems I already have my answer about where do I go now and what to do. I do love you. Right now, I don’t like you very much so whatever your decision about us is after getting your life in order, I think my decision is going to have to be to move on for now and try to live my life the way I see fit to, live it out from under your ideological star.
April 13
Tom and I got into another argument today. I told him of my decision to move on. Right now, I just think he is an arrogant, impatient asshole and I need to look at what it was I seemed to get out of being with him. I’m hurt, I’m relieved, I’m angry, I’m confused, and I am glad it is over. I am sure it is going to be hell but I am also sure it will be worth the pain of separation in the end.
(Later on.....)
Andrew just called. I told him some of the things I thought about him not being interested in Paris and how, if he was really interested, he would make time, at least, to call and see how Paris is doing. He didn’t really say anything. It is really sad for Paris’ sake. I don’t really expect Andrew to change. I just pray I can do my best to explain all this to Paris when he is old older and I can let him know how much I love him. I hope one day Paris can understand that his father just was not ready for this kind of responsibility but it has nothing to do with him and is not his fault.
April 14
I really need to find a sponsor. I am not able to go to meetings like I used to, Beth is leaving town in a month, I feel like I need to do a 4th step, and I would like a sponsor to guide me on one.
I was starting to feel crazy and preoccupied so I called Christi and hung out with her for a while.
April 16
Christi kept Paris last night (overnight) and I went to the 10 and 11 o’clock meetings and to IHOP afterwards. Tom was at both places and we played the “we will just ignore each other” game. Seeing him has put me in a funk. It made me sad but I don’t want to get back together with him.
I told my mom a little bit about how I am feeling about her not seeming very supportive. She was somewhat receptive and she said something that made me start thinking. She said she didn’t feel like I was that interested in how she felt or how her life was going. I think that is true to some degree. I am not interested in the things that interest her but I am concerned about how she feels about the things that go on in her life and head. I think I will probably tell her this.
April 17
I hung out with Julie today. We had a good time. I would like to get to know her better. I am still in a funk after seeing Tom on Friday. Beth went to go see a movie with him and Kristen last night. For some reason, it made me upset with him. It is so very sad when you can’t be with somebody you love as much as I love him.
April 23
I have been somewhat stressed out lately. I had to find a new apartment, new daycare center, and enroll in school. Tom and I tried to be together again and, of course, it did not work. I think that added to my stress a lot because I knew, inside, I did not really want to be back with him but I did it anyway. I felt better immediately today when I finally told him that it wasn’t worth it to lose myself to be with him. So now, on with my life. And now, it is time to figure the whole thing out.
April 24
Paris won’t go to to bed so we are engaged in a battle of wills. I think he is winning so far.
I ran into Beth and Julie at Target today so I went and hung out with them most of the day. I am glad I saw them. I wanted to hang out with somebody. I got sad at one point because they were talking about Craig and Donovan and it made me start thinking about Tom. I miss him. I don’t understand why things never seem to work out. I guess we are both too immature or something along those lines. Whatever it is, it hurts like hell to walk away. I am not even sure that is the right thing to do. When it comes to Tom, I don’t ever seem to know what is the right thing to do. I think I will just have to try it this way for a while and see what happens. But, once again, it does hurt like hell.
I got scared last night for the first time about starting school, putting Paris in daycare, and all that stuff. I don’t seem to be able to picture doing it all and getting it all together. Once I get the hang of it, it shouldn’t be a big deal. I think what I am going through is stage fright. It should be cool to live close to Christi. We can hopefully help each other out some more.
I need to go to a meeting soon. I am starting to feel on edge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
