March 1, 1994
I feel crazy tonight. This is a new development because I felt pretty good most of the day. I think part of it is hormones because I started my period. I think the rest has a lot to do with my mom because she keeps being so negative about me marrying Tom. She just can’t be.....
March 3
I don’t feel crazy anymore for the time being. Tom and I spent the last three days together and it went all right. We had a couple of tense moments but I was very impressed with how we handled them. Nothing drastic was said or done and I was able to express how I felt and then not let it affect my attitude towards him. I have really enjoyed being with him. Our relationship seems to be maturing. It’s very nice to feel this.
Still having some problems with my mom. I have been looking at what has gone on in the past and it seems as though she has a hard time supporting me or encouraging me in the things I feel it is important for me to do. For instance, having Paris and marrying Tom. I don’t really understand all this yet. I don’t so much feel as though I need her approval anymore as I feel like I need to know she is proud of me for growing up some. But I guess that is approval.
I gave Pam her notice today. I told her I was putting Paris in daycare and that I could only keep her until the end of March. She was not too pleased and I think that she might have been trying to make me feel guilty for letting her go.
I need to start getting more honest. I have noticed lately I don’t always tell things like they actually happened. I try to make myself look good. This needs to stop because it is messing with my conscience.
March 6
Feeling crazy today. Lots of reasons. Last night my old sexual baggage came up again. It does not seem at times that Tom and I enjoy sex together. He says it feels like work to get me excited. I think that it takes more than he is willing or can do to get me off. I really need to bring up sex in therapy. It is something I never talk about.
Another thing-I feel bad about my body. I certainly do not look like I used to. That probably has a little bit to do with my sex problems. It seems as though I can’t stop eating things I know are bad for me. I wonder sometimes if I am developing some sort of eating disorder. I even thought about making myself throw up today. I have got to do something about this before I develop an eating disorder. I tell myself every day I’ve got to start taking better care of myself but I don’t do it. I’m getting what I consider chubby. I refuse to let this happen to me.
Another thing I feel crazy about is Tom being fine most of the time. It seems as though the only time I hear what is going on with him is when he is not on meds. I’m not sure if I want someone to feel crazy with me or if I want him to open up to me more. I would guess that it is both.
I still want to get married but I am getting scared. I wonder if I am mature enough to handle it. I am also starting to realize what a big adjustment it going to be to become financially independent. So much stuff and I am only 20. It is quite scary.
Still have not heard from Andrew. I am getting rather pissed all over again about the whole thing. I’m going to call my lawyer tomorrow about finding a lawyer in Tennessee.
Later...same day...
It is amazing how much better I feel after writing things down. I also prayed. I was thinking just a minute ago that if I had not found out I was having Paris, I most likely would not still be sober. I was certainly not doing all that great when I was seeing Andrew. I should try to remember that when I get discouraged and frustrated.
March 18
Another entry concerning the soap opera of Tom and Charity. As of yesterday, we are not getting married. No need to go into a whole lot of detail. Basically because I told him I felt I should start taking care of myself again by making my own decisions for a while without letting he nor my mother influence me so much, I am a whiner who is playing the victim. He says he does not respect me, he can’t stand that it takes me a while to process things, can’t stand the way I see things, and he feels it is only natural that he is above me. He said he had to play my counselor because I am beneath him and he has to pull me up.
I am pretty put out by the whole situation. My self-esteem is real shaky. I have felt angry and cynical most of the day. My feelings are very hurt but it has not really hit me yet. I do know this time I need to stay away no matter how bad it hurts or how scared I get. If I go back, I am only asking for more pain. I am sure it will get more difficult as the days go by.
Andrew is coming to town on Saturday March 26. I have decided to ask the court for child support. I’m not sure how he will react to it. I’ve told him I was thinking about doing it. He did not sound too pleased but he did not sound angry either. I guess I will see now it goes next weekend.
March 20
It’s hitting me more today. I broke down in tears just a minute ago. Paris was very fussy and did not want to go to sleep so he was pitching a fit and my patience just went out the door. I was so tired I could no longer keep my feelings at bay. I have been lonely all day long. I’ve called three or four people to see if they wanted to go somewhere to help keep me from going crazy, but nobody called me back. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I wish sometimes I had never fallen in love with Tom. It is starting to hurt like hell. It seems as though weekends are especially difficult times for me. Ever since I got sober, I have not been crazy about weekends. I usually feel so alone on weekends.
I wonder how long it is going to be this painful? I will be so grateful to start school in May. I need to have something else in my life besides parenting. I love Paris dearly but I need to be doing something for myself too. I have too much time on my hands.
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