Life unfolds in pages.....thanks to all those who helped me on Ella's birthday...you are loved.

January 2, 1993

It is a pretty bland Saturday afternoon and I am down at Java’s alone and bored. I think it would probably be a good idea for me to go to a meeting. I’m not sure what my deal is. For about the last 15 minutes, I’ve seriously contemplated smoking again. I’m talking myself out of that one. Another thing I can’t quit thinking about is T. I’ve talked to him four times since we broke up. The first two times sucked. The third time we decided to be friends and just see what happens. I talked to him last night, around 1am, and it went pretty well. Then he called me again this morning and asked me out to lunch tomorrow. I still don’t know what I want. I do not know whether I want to be with somebody, anybody, or just T period. Or, do I really not want to be with anybody, but, I also don’t want to be alone? It’s hard to be patient and sit this out. No answer seems to be forthcoming.


January 4, 1993

My last entry is so short because when I was writing about how lonely I was, K showed up at Java’s and kept me company. I’ve felt better the last couple of days. B and I went dancing on Saturday night until 5:30am. I gave my phone number to one of her old roommates named D but, I probably won’t go out with him. This guy was in my religion class this semester. Not a very smart guy.
It was good for me to go out and be around people. T came and got me Sunday and we went to lunch, then took Metoli to the park to let him run around. Then B, T, and I went to a movie and then took B home. T and I went to his place and talked until 2:30am. This whole thing with T is really strange to me. I’ve really enjoyed being with him the last couple of times and I think I am just now really starting to care about him. It’s a lot easier to talk to him and be with him, to explain things to him, but only when we’re not together. And I’m going to date other people. Part of me seems sure that it wants to be with T. I’m always thinking about him and wanting him to call and talking about him. Lately, when I am with him, I feel so comfortable and, this is the really amazing part, my brain is quiet for the most part. This is the part that wants to forget everything and just see only him. Then there is this other part that wants to take things slow and go out on a couple of dates and just see what happens. Which is what I’ll most likely do.



January 5, 1993

Well, I finally went back to therapy today. I’m not too sure I liked what I heard. She said the reason T and I enjoyed being around each other more is because, now that I can do whatever I want again, my walls have gone back up. I don’t know if I agree with that or not. It doesn’t feel like all my walls are up again. I feel like it is easier to be real with T now. I enjoy being with him. Sometimes I really wonder about all this psychotherapy stuff. One the one hand, it does help, but, on the other, it gets very confusing when I’m trying to figure something out. Like this thing with T. Up until I went to therapy today, I was really enjoying what was going on, and I still am, but now, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I am enjoying it because my walls are up.

Right now I think it really does not matter. I think T and I deserve to enjoy each other’s company for a while. But I need to remember to ask my therapist about that.

I saw D tonight and took him to a meeting with me. He had just left K’s house and was all freaked out. I feel no pity for him. He brought it all on himself. And R called me tonight to see if I wanted to hang out. That was weird. He was going to meet me at Park 40 but did not because J was bitching about it. I expected as much. I have no idea why he was calling me in the first place. Probably just to get J upset-she fooled around on him a couple of week’s ago.


January 6, 1993

I had to go to the dentist this morning. I had a small cavity. I have to go back and get it filled Tuesday before school starts. I hate going to the dentist. Afterwards, T and I went to breakfast and a meeting. He was upset about me seeing other people, which I have not even done yet. Of course, he really doesn’t have a right to say much about it except that it upsets him. He did say if I was going to be seeing other people to please not be affectionate with him. At first, I thought this was unfair to ask me; to be fake around him, but now I understand. I’m sure it is hard for him considering how he feels about me and, there should be no mixed messages. I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. I keep going back and forth on that, but I suppose I don’t have to figure it all out today.

I wonder what it is about me? Why do the guys I get involved with either love me to death or don’t give a shit at all? And how come I don’t seem to be able to feel anything real or intense for them for more than six months? There must be something about six months because B was telling me she was resenting G and they have been together for six months. And, I wonder why I am so scared of commitment? I know I am only 19, and should not even be worrying about commitment, but, of course, I do.

I noticed tonight I am very critical of people. I need to stop doing that. That will be my goal for tomorrow. I’ll not say anything about anybody unless I can say something nice.

I need to call my mom and talk to her. I haven’t found out what is going on with her lately.






January 10, 1993

School is finally starting again!! Thank god!! I was about to get bored out of my mind. I have to go register tomorrow, buy my books and supplies, and then classes start on Wednesday. It’s going to take a while to get back into the routine-going to bed early, getting up early, doing homework, writing papers, going to class. It shouldn’t take too long.

B may be coming to stay with me for a while. She and G are having some problems. She’s really freaking out about the whole marriage/commitment type stuff. She’s not really sure if she cares about him or not, so she is thinking maybe the best way for her to figure it out is to get away from him for a while. It might work. In my own personal opinion, it is very hard for me to see them staying together because they are both so different. One never knows though. They could turn out to be the couple of the century, but, I seriously doubt it.

T and I are not going to see each other anymore. Things were cool between us for a while after we broke up but then we started bitching again the last couple of times we saw each other. T did not like the idea of me seeing other people. He got really freaked out and paranoid and very irrational. I went right back to feeling all pressured again and I did not like that but, it did really hurt when we finally did decide to stop seeing and talking to each other. This happened on Thursday and Friday. I was really sad and in a lot of pain and cried and talked to B, went to a meeting. Saturday, I slept really late, and when I finally did get up, I was pretty sad. I stayed around the house most of the day and then met N at Java’s at 12am. We went dancing at the Boiler Room. I was not really into it until later.

At first, I was still really sad and bored and trying to be cheery and happy go lucky. I eventually had a good time. At around 5:30am, I was dancing with L, and she introduced me to this guy named AS. I have noticed him at Java’s before, drawing in his little book, and had noticed him noticing me, but never had the ability, or the guts, to meet him before. So L introduced us. I got his number and he got mine around 6am this morning. He called me at 8pm tonight and I met him at Java’s around 930pm. We talked until 1130 and then I took him home. He said he would call me tomorrow when he got off work.

He seems like a pretty nice guy. He is 20 years old and works at Knoxville Graphic Arts as a, guess, graphic design artist. He’s not real manly, but, he is nice looking and so far, is fun to talk to. I’ll go out with him again and see. He’s a lot different from T. Considering the fact T and I do not seem to get along anymore, that could be a good thing.

I’ll keep the journal posted.

Happy Birthday Ella Lee!!!! Ladies & gentlemen, Charity Lee at 19......

January 1, 1993. 12:15am, 1 Year & 1 Week Clean

I decided to stop writing on New Year’s Eve and start again on New Year’s Day. My perspective has changed a lot in the last couple of hours. The really cool thing about this New Year is not what I did or didn’t do or who I was with or any of that stuff. The really cool thing was how I felt. I feel good. And hopeful. And interested. And committed. And amazed. And delighted. And more cautious. And more accepting. And more open to my feelings. And exploratory. And grounded. And productive. I could go on, but I won’t.

B and I went out for 15 minutes tonight and almost everyone we saw was trashed. Except us. Except me. It was such an energizing feeling. For 18 years (well, not quite 18), I’ve wanted to feel as though I had put the right foot forward or turned a new leaf at the start of a new year. I always disappointed myself. But not this year. This year, I can put the right foot forward because I can stand. I can turn a new leaf because I’ve got the motivation to do so. I finally feel like I am on the right track.

I’m doing some things the way they were meant to be done. B and I are really starting to get close. T and I aren’t seeing each other anymore in a romantic way but are going to try and learn to be friends. That feels really good. He came over tonight and it was pretty easy to talk to him. A lot of the pressure is gone. I don’t know if that is going to work out, but I feel like I am finally at a space where I can accept my feelings. I don’t know if I love him, but I do know I need him to talk to. I know when we can be together, without relationship pressures, I really enjoy his company. I know I’ve missed talking to him and hanging out. I’ve missed having fun with him for a long time now. So we’re just going to try to be friends. He can see other people and so can I. We’ll talk on the phone and hang out and do whatever it is friends do. It’s not always going to be easy but it won’t always be hard either. So, I’ll see what happens and take it as it comes. Maybe, if it never works out romantically, we can be friends. Or, we may find out we can’t be friends because of our past. I’ll never know unless action is taken.

Happy New Year Charity!!!!