I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. All the stress in my life is about to drive me crazy. Parenthood, relationships, and trying to take care of myself are all really taking their toll on me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. My behavior is really getting out of hand. It seems to come out on Tom the most. I do not understand my behavior with him a lot of the time. I believe a lot of it is motivated by fear. I am so scared he is going to decide doing all this with Paris and me is not what he really wants and I am going to lose him to a very self-centered life. Even though I know there is nothing I can do to make him decide this is what he wants, my actions indicate this is just what I am trying to do. I am thinking I need to spend less time trying to make sure Tom sticks around and more time worrying about taking care of myself. What are the things I need to do?
Go to more meetings.
Learn to walk away for a short time.
Write in my journal more.
Go back to therapy.
Ask for help more often.
Make time for myself.
Tom is getting his own place to live and he broke our engagement. I feel deserted and very hurt. I can’t stand the way I have been acting and I don’t know anymore how to be around him. It is hard to imagine going on from this point. I feel as if I have already lost him; my world has been blown out of the water. I know I have to allow him his space and time to do what he needs to do for himself. It would probably help me too but I am so goddamned scared of taking that step.
December 19, 1993
Some really intense things have been going on with me. Underneath all I do and feel is this sense of sadness. I want to cry but don’t seem to be able to. I feel tired most of the time. I am not very motivated. I feel frustrated with most things in my life right now: meetings, my mother, myself. I say this sadness is new but I don’t think it is. I believe it has been with me for a long time but it is just now I have the ability to feel it for what it truly is. I don’t think I know how to cope with it. I don’t even know what causes it. I do know it is there. I have to remember it and not shrug it off as just having a bad day. It must be dealt with over time.
December 20
Paris came home tonight and I was so happy to see him at last. I tried to talk to mom about her not having any respect for me, and, of course, she just shut down and ignored me. It is very pathetic behavior and it hurts my feelings immensely. It seems as though ever since Paris was born, I don’t exist for her anymore. She has her husband (yes, she married Billy again) and she has her grandchild. Her daughter is just a nuisance because her daughter gets in her face and challenges her way of thinking. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel as though the situation is hopeless. I know I have to draw the line somewhere so I think until I feel as though my mom respects my authority as a parent, I will only let her see Paris while I am around. I am very disappointed in her, but I should have known better than to expect much else out of her.
Tom says I need to open up and allow him to support me more. He’s right. I tend to keep things to myself and try to work through things alone. It is difficult to do this though. I have a very hard time letting my guard down for myself or anyone else. I know in order for us to have a good relationship, this is something I must work harder on.
December 21, 1993
Today is my first day back to the routine of Paris. It hasn’t been that bad so far. I am meeting Beth later for coffee. I am also going to try to make it to a meeting today at some point. I think I might try to get to one a day for a while. It could help me to feel better. I still feel distant from myself and have been thinking today I don’t know how to let someone support me emotionally. I know how to talk to someone but it is different to lean on someone. I’m going to have to talk to Tom about that tonight.
Mom called this morning and acted as though I had never said anything to her about not respecting me. I really hate that, but I have noticed most things about my mom that hurt my feelings and piss me off, are some of the exact same things I do. In order to understand myself, I need to understand her. In order to understand her, I need to understand myself. What a Catch-22.
I really get tired of having to deal with all this stuff. It seems like it never ends. But, of course, I have no choice but to deal with it if I don’t want to end up drunk or living my mom’s life all over again. So I will deal with it.
December 22
I am feeling really confused about some of the things in my life right now. Tom is one of them; my relationship with my mother is another.
I don’t want Tom to touch me at all right now and I feel very distant from him. I feel like I really want my space back. I don’t know if I am ready to deal with living with someone. I think I have a lot of hurt feelings and anger built up regarding him. I don’t know if I want to be alone or if I just want my space. I’ll get it on February 1st but it is really difficult at times right now. I think some of it has to do with him breaking off our engagement, and, I feel I let Tom think for me at times. When we have discussions about how we feel, I usually end up feeling so confused, it is just easier for me, in one way, to accept his way of thinking and let his perception be the way it is. I am not going to do anything drastic. I’ll ride it out until I am more aware of what is going on with me.
As far as mom goes, all I know to do is what I need to for my own peace of mind. I am still going to let her keep Paris because I know I need the breaks, but I’ll also tell her what I like and don’t like about how she is when she keeps him. I believe that is all I can realistically do. I can’t make her do anything and I am not willing to shut her out of mine or Paris’ life.
I am thinking about not going back to college and getting my cosmetology license. That way I can support Paris and myself until I figure out what I really want to be doing. It takes ten months to get it and they help you find a job when you are done. I feel strongly I need to stop depending on mom for all my financial needs. This is a decision I am going to put a lot of thought into. I don’t want to make any rash decisions about my future.
I think I need to practice putting more thought into all my decisions because, reading back over these last few journal entries, I see how much my thinking changes in just a few days. I believe doing this could cut down on my regret list a lot and I could end up more satisfied with the decisions I do make about things.
December 25, 1993
It really does not feel like Christmas to me at all. This is the first Christmas my family has not spent together. I went to Beth’s last night for Christmas dinner and it was a large gathering. I have always wanted a big family that got together on holidays and it makes me sad that my family is not close. I think I am longing for a sense of community and I don’t feel that at this particular point in my life, at least, not with my family. It is as though each part of my family is it’s own separate unit. I don’t think it should be that way.
Another thing, it seems my feelings towards Tom are shut off. Well, not entirely. One moment, he is irritating to me; the next, he isn’t. I am not sure what the deal is. I know I want my condo back. After someone is around for awhile, I want to live alone again. I gave him until February 1st to move and I will stick by that. As far as the rest goes, I don’t know. I’m not very sexually inclined right now. I am not even particularly affectionate. A couple of times today, I have looked at him and wondered why I was even with him at all. I’ll ride it out though. I wonder if I stay with him in part because he has convinced me I will be acting self-destructively by letting him out of my life? That’s something to talk to my therapist about.
Today is my two year sobriety date.
Imagine that.
December 26, 1993
Still feeling crazy and irritable. Still cannot put my finger on why. I’ve been thinking about Tom and me and I know I care for him but I don’t think I know what love is or what it means to love somebody. I believe that is something I need to figure out. Don’t know how to go about doing that without totally pushing him away. I’ve also been wondering about my motivation for getting back with Tom. I’m not so positive my motives were pure and I’m not so sure a relationship based on the wrong motives is one that will last.
December 27
I went to therapy today and it helped to clarify my thoughts a little. I actually felt pretty good until Tom walked in the door. As soon as he came in, I felt irritable and defended again. What is going on? Why do I start to feel this way around him? It is getting very old. We talked last night and I told him I needed some space. I felt better for awhile; now the irritation is back. All I know to do is go back step by step and see what led to the irritation. And, I think I’ll make this my therapy topic next week.
Therapy was good this week. It seems my old value system instilled by my mother and that life is engaged in a tug of war with the value system I have been developing since I got sober two years ago. This could be one cause of my irritation these days. Confusion does not sit well with me and could come out as irritation. Just a theory, but it sounds dead on to me. I am very glad I decided to get back into therapy. Life seems easier with a little clarity in it.
December 28, 1993
I talked to Tom last night about my irritation and it seemed to help. I feel now like I need to talk to Beth and apologize to her. I don’t feel as though I have been available for her lately and I haven’t been opening up much to her either. I also need to thank her for all her help with Paris.
Tom should be getting his own place soon. Lots of mixed feelings about that one. I want him to go and I don’t want him to go. But, him going will be best, for the both of us.
Bill C. called last night and said I should be able to move by March. That will be good. I’m ready for more space.
I had lunch with Christi today and I enjoyed myself. It tires me out but I feel better emotionally if I can get out of the house for a while every other day or so.
I met Tom at Java around 5pm and he said he wasn’t going to a meeting because he wanted to stay home and spend time with Paris and me, play music and stuff. So what has he been doing since he got home? Sleeping. Needless to say, my feelings are hurt and I am irritated again. He said he was going to nap for an hour and I was cool with that, but now, it has been two. He set the alarm; it went off. He hit snooze; it went off again. He hit snooze. I finally turned the alarm off myself because I don’t want it to wake up Paris. I will be glad to live alone again. I really wonder if it is worth it to be in a relationship at this point in my life.
I sold my Proffitt’s stock today and had Paul L. set up a savings account with the money. He is going to send me a checkbook for it and I think I’ll use the money to pay my tuition at TN School of Beauty. In the future, my dividend checks will go into that account instead of me getting a check for $30 or so. My mom knew I was going to sell the stock but she told me to invest the money in something else. I wonder how she will take it when I tell her what I am doing with it? I guess time will tell.
December 29, 1993
History repeats itself. Tom and I are no longer seeing one another. I won’t go into details but basically he said if I can’t commit to changing my attitude, mood, or behavior, then I needed to let him go. So I let him go. I can’t commit to that. I honestly think I do care for Tom but I don’t love him like he wants me to. I feel relieved. I had been thinking about this a couple of days and, even though I feel he pressed the issue, it is good because I would have dragged it out longer than necessary. This way, there is a lot less pain involved, or, at least, less unnecessary pain.
December 30, 1993
I told Tom he had to be gone by Saturday, Jan 1st. His stuff can stay until Feb 1st. Of course, he did not take it well but that is his problem. I was not comfortable with him here and I think I have the right to do this considering it is my house and all. I told him I would pay for him to stay in a rooming house or he could find his own place to stay. I think he is going to find his own place to stay. So it’s over. Now begins the long process of putting myself back together and figuring out where I go wrong in relationships with men.
Fun, fun.
December 31
So it is New Year’s Eve. Tom has moved his stuff out. He is gone. It is over. I feel sad, but now, I can start out my new year fresh. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself now though. Being involved with someone ties up a lot of time. But I am sure I will make do. I expected this would not last. My motives were wrong.
It’s funny....but he doesn’t irritate me now.
Posts
