July 6, 1993
I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.
I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.
My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.
My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....
Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.
I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.
I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.
Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.
July 8, 1993
I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.
It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.
Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.
I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.
My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.
Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.
July 12, 1993
I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.
I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.
July 14, 1993
I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.
When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.
It would kill me if anything did.
I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.
About this blog, not me per se--
- CharityLee
- This blog is dedicated to my children, Paris and Ella. Without them, none of this would have been possible...or bearable. Love, hugs, and peace to all of you.
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