August 1993 : Drama while under the influence of pregnancy hormones

August 4, 1993

The beginning of a brand new journal. Pretty appropriate considering I am on my way to a brand new life with baby soon. It gets closer and closer each day. And more and more real. I pre-admitted myself to the hospital on Monday and that was real strange. It brought reality very close. Even stranger was when Mom and I went on our tour of the hospital where Paris is to be born. I got to see a newborn and it was precious and so very tiny. All I could think was that I would have one of those soon. It is a very delightfully scary thought.

Beth told me the other day Andrew is supposed to be coming to town. She didn’t know when. Our friend Lori works with one of his brothers and that is what he told her. That is really the last thing I want to have to deal with. Hopefully, he won’t stay long. At first, I was real scared and didn’t want to have to deal with it. Now, I still don’t like the idea very much but at least now I know his popping up somewhere is a possibility.

I think my initial reaction to the news has helped me decide about moving. I am still not sure but the scales are leaning in favor of Atlanta. Down there, I would not have to worry about running into Andrew or any of his family. I still get scared to death at the thought of moving back because I would have to adjust all over again. I know I could do it though. I think it will turn out okay wherever I am. I know I would not want to stay with my mom. I would need to feel more autonomous than that. I am too used to being on my own. But, of course, that decision does not have to be made until Paris is born, which is for the best I suppose.

My mom finally got her divorce. She is no longer married to Billy. Thank god. I sent her 1/2 a dozen red roses and a card to let her know I love her and will always have time for her if she needs me. I am sure she is probably relieved but she probably has a lot of mixed emotions too. I am glad it is over but sad she is alone. It would be really nice if she could find someone to share her life with.







August 8, 1993

Today was the day of my baby shower. I enjoyed it for the most part but the people who said they were going to show up, didn’t. Most of them didn’t anyway. But it did turn out okay. I got some nice gifts and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves but I am very tired now. Beth bought Paris his first pair of Keds. They are so cute! She kept the receipt in case they don’t fit.

I am still confused about this whole moving thing. I am going to go ahead and send my applications off to GA State and plan on moving to Atlanta. I think I am just scared. I’ll need to make all new friends. I’ll have to find my way around a new school. I’ll have to not let my mom take over Paris. I think that one is the one that gets me the most. I’ve been thinking about calling Debbie, my old counselor from Agape, and talking to her about it. Of course, I should talk to my mom about it too.

I think Andrew is coming to town on the 13th. I was doing my volunteer work Friday and a social worker called about getting one of the apartments for his family for one week. I could be wrong but I would imagine that, if he is coming, it would be then. Sarah is going to let me know if they are staying and I would not work that week. I don’t need to be around Andrew or his family. A part of me wants to go ahead and work anyway but, that is the part of me that likes chaos. I know better than to feed into that now. I think I might have learned my lesson.

I have been feeling lonely for male companionship lately. It’s the last thing I need right now, but still. Of course I won’t actually seek it out because that would be asking for chaos.

School is over on the 11th. Then, all I will be doing is volunteer work and waiting for Paris to be born. It gets closer and closer each day. I have started my eighth month of pregnancy. Weird. Yet cool.





August 9, 1993

My mom called me today and wanted to talk about moving to Atlanta. She said she thought it would be a good idea for me to live at home for a while. She said I could have her room; she would stay in my room, Paris could have his nursery in the space behind the fireplace, and Larry would be downstairs. She said she didn’t want to invest any more money into Fulton Co.

I just don’t know how I feel about it. She says she is hardly ever home, but still. On the one hand, I think it would be okay for six months or so, but, on the other, I don’t. It is too far away from meetings and, for some reason, I feel like I need to establish my own home with Paris. I can’t quite explain it. This is all very confusing. I have struggled for two years almost to forge my own identity for myself and, for some reason, I feel like it would be very hard to keep it around my mom. Or just living in her home. I feel like I need my own space that I can give to my child, not my mom’s space that Paris and I are both staying in. Even if it is only a rented space.

My mom keeps talking about economics, but I am more concerned with emotions. Mostly mine. If I do not feel okay then Paris won’t feel okay. I know I need to do what feels right for me. Even if I live in Vinings, that is not too far away from my mom, so she could see Paris all the time.

Of course, I am going to do more thinking and talking until my mind is made up. Or is my mind already made up? I think it might be. I’ll stay in touch.






August 11, 1993

Today was my last day of school for a while. Now all I have to do is volunteer work and waiting to become a mother. It just keeps getting more and more real. And more and more scary. I know I will be able to do it though. What it feels like is stage fright. I know once I get on stage, everything will be fine. Kind of like a bad case of the jitters.

I went to Sequoyah last night and talked about being scared and it seemed to help a bit. I am just going to keep talking about it and try to go with the flow more. I still think it would be a good idea to call Debbie and talk to her about it too. I think she might be able to give me more of a professional and objective opinion. It’s weird, but this all doesn’t seem to be making me as crazy or scared since I voiced it was making me crazy and scared.

I think Andrew is supposed to be in town Friday but I am not sure. I know parts of his family are on the waiting list to stay at the Fellowship Center, but I don’t know if they are staying or not. And I don’t know for sure that he is coming to Knoxville. I’ll just have to wait and see. Surprisingly, that has been on my mind very little. Sometimes, it is easier to deal with other people than myself.

Beth has been talking to Gerald again. It really does not surprise me. After some of the things he did to her, I’m wondering why, but I really have no room to talk. If she just wants to be friends, I think she will find it is not possible, but, I would not be surprised if they get back together again. Maybe a tad disappointed but not surprised. I don’t know if Beth has noticed it or not, but she really hasn’t been single since she and Gerald split up. These has always been something going on. Gerald, Neal, Benny, and possibly back to Gerald. For some reason, that bothers me and I am not sure why.







August 21, 1993

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Where to begin?

Beth found out she is pregnant. Again. This time, the baby belongs to Benny. She hasn’t decided if she is going to keep it. I think her body is going to make that decision for her because I talked to her today and she is spotting. I believe that after all the abortions she has had, her body is most likely messed up. I could be wrong. I don’t think she needs to have a baby but, then, on the other hand, I think it is wrong to have another abortion. She has had six already and one miscarriage. One would think she had learned something about birth control by now. Once again, I am in a position where I don’t agree at all with my best friend’s lifestyle but she is my friend. Where do I draw the line?

I told Boyce the other night I was attracted to him but that I could be his friend only. I had to be honest with him in order not to be uncomfortable around him. He basically said ditto. He is flying down to Atlanta on Thursday the 26th to meet me here and then my mom, Boyce, Larry, and I are driving to Destin for the weekend. Then Boyce and I fly back to Knoxville on Sunday the 29th. I’m nervous because I like him and he seems to like me, but we both have different agendas. I, for one, am 8 months pregnant with my first child, and he thinks he is in love with some girl in Canada. I would not get involved with him even if I weren’t pregnant because I refuse to be anyone’s second choice. If he really wanted me, he would have to be very convincing. Now that Paris is almost here, I have to be very careful about getting involved with people. Whomever I am with will influence Paris, sometimes directly, other times indirectly. I have to be a lot more careful than I ever was in the past.

My mom and I just spent 1 1/2 days in Dallas. It wasn’t that exciting so we came home a day early. I’ll be staying in Atlanta for about a week, then Destin, then home. When I get back to Knoxville, I am going to start looking for a house.





August 31, 1993

I got back from my “vacation” two days ago and, of course, I was exhausted. I do more at my mom’s house than I do here. I enjoyed myself though. We only stayed at the beach one day because two of the mares foaled a month early. Lucky them.

My mom and Boyce really hit it off. I have to admit I was somewhat jealous. They seemed so comfortable together and I feel uncomfortable with him a lot. Now that I have spent a weekend with him, I don’t think he is someone I can stay attracted to. I do enjoy hanging out with him though. This weekend we are going to NYC. My mom and Larry were originally going but Larry moved back in with that girl on the spur of the moment before we went to Destin so my mom gave the tickets to Boyce and I. I’m looking forward to going to NYC with a friend instead of my mom. The last time I went without her I was on drugs so I didn’t do much. I am a little wary about sharing a room with Boyce, but it should be okay. Mom is supposed to call so there are double beds in the room.

I am not going to be doing my volunteer work for a while. Sarah called me yesterday to let me know the Smith’s are at the Fellowship Center. So now I really do have to find something to do with myself until Paris gets here. Or at least until the Smith’s leave the Center. I’m tempted to just go ahead and work anyway but that probably would not be a good idea at this point. I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.

Beth still has not done anything about her pregnancy. She went to the emergency room over the weekend, while I was gone, because she was bleeding but she says it has stopped. She says she is just going to wait until she is about 7 weeks and, if she has not lost the baby, then she will have an abortion. She really should not have the baby. She has not quit smoking or drinking caffeine. She does not have a doctor, has not been taking vitamins, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on. Part of me is really disgusted; part of me is her best friend. Sometimes, it is hard to know what to do or say in this situation.

Only eight weeks left until Paris is born!!!

I can hardly wait!!!!

I love him and I am very glad I am pregnant with him, but I am ready to meet him. And to wear blue jeans again.