No more initials....names have been included due to reader requests. Love to all...

May 2, 1993

I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.

I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.

I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.

I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.




May 4, 1993

I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.

I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.



May 24, 1993

It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!

I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.

I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.

I’ll keep the journal posted.



May 25, 1993

Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.

Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.