August 4, 1993
The beginning of a brand new journal. Pretty appropriate considering I am on my way to a brand new life with baby soon. It gets closer and closer each day. And more and more real. I pre-admitted myself to the hospital on Monday and that was real strange. It brought reality very close. Even stranger was when Mom and I went on our tour of the hospital where Paris is to be born. I got to see a newborn and it was precious and so very tiny. All I could think was that I would have one of those soon. It is a very delightfully scary thought.
Beth told me the other day Andrew is supposed to be coming to town. She didn’t know when. Our friend Lori works with one of his brothers and that is what he told her. That is really the last thing I want to have to deal with. Hopefully, he won’t stay long. At first, I was real scared and didn’t want to have to deal with it. Now, I still don’t like the idea very much but at least now I know his popping up somewhere is a possibility.
I think my initial reaction to the news has helped me decide about moving. I am still not sure but the scales are leaning in favor of Atlanta. Down there, I would not have to worry about running into Andrew or any of his family. I still get scared to death at the thought of moving back because I would have to adjust all over again. I know I could do it though. I think it will turn out okay wherever I am. I know I would not want to stay with my mom. I would need to feel more autonomous than that. I am too used to being on my own. But, of course, that decision does not have to be made until Paris is born, which is for the best I suppose.
My mom finally got her divorce. She is no longer married to Billy. Thank god. I sent her 1/2 a dozen red roses and a card to let her know I love her and will always have time for her if she needs me. I am sure she is probably relieved but she probably has a lot of mixed emotions too. I am glad it is over but sad she is alone. It would be really nice if she could find someone to share her life with.
August 8, 1993
Today was the day of my baby shower. I enjoyed it for the most part but the people who said they were going to show up, didn’t. Most of them didn’t anyway. But it did turn out okay. I got some nice gifts and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves but I am very tired now. Beth bought Paris his first pair of Keds. They are so cute! She kept the receipt in case they don’t fit.
I am still confused about this whole moving thing. I am going to go ahead and send my applications off to GA State and plan on moving to Atlanta. I think I am just scared. I’ll need to make all new friends. I’ll have to find my way around a new school. I’ll have to not let my mom take over Paris. I think that one is the one that gets me the most. I’ve been thinking about calling Debbie, my old counselor from Agape, and talking to her about it. Of course, I should talk to my mom about it too.
I think Andrew is coming to town on the 13th. I was doing my volunteer work Friday and a social worker called about getting one of the apartments for his family for one week. I could be wrong but I would imagine that, if he is coming, it would be then. Sarah is going to let me know if they are staying and I would not work that week. I don’t need to be around Andrew or his family. A part of me wants to go ahead and work anyway but, that is the part of me that likes chaos. I know better than to feed into that now. I think I might have learned my lesson.
I have been feeling lonely for male companionship lately. It’s the last thing I need right now, but still. Of course I won’t actually seek it out because that would be asking for chaos.
School is over on the 11th. Then, all I will be doing is volunteer work and waiting for Paris to be born. It gets closer and closer each day. I have started my eighth month of pregnancy. Weird. Yet cool.
August 9, 1993
My mom called me today and wanted to talk about moving to Atlanta. She said she thought it would be a good idea for me to live at home for a while. She said I could have her room; she would stay in my room, Paris could have his nursery in the space behind the fireplace, and Larry would be downstairs. She said she didn’t want to invest any more money into Fulton Co.
I just don’t know how I feel about it. She says she is hardly ever home, but still. On the one hand, I think it would be okay for six months or so, but, on the other, I don’t. It is too far away from meetings and, for some reason, I feel like I need to establish my own home with Paris. I can’t quite explain it. This is all very confusing. I have struggled for two years almost to forge my own identity for myself and, for some reason, I feel like it would be very hard to keep it around my mom. Or just living in her home. I feel like I need my own space that I can give to my child, not my mom’s space that Paris and I are both staying in. Even if it is only a rented space.
My mom keeps talking about economics, but I am more concerned with emotions. Mostly mine. If I do not feel okay then Paris won’t feel okay. I know I need to do what feels right for me. Even if I live in Vinings, that is not too far away from my mom, so she could see Paris all the time.
Of course, I am going to do more thinking and talking until my mind is made up. Or is my mind already made up? I think it might be. I’ll stay in touch.
August 11, 1993
Today was my last day of school for a while. Now all I have to do is volunteer work and waiting to become a mother. It just keeps getting more and more real. And more and more scary. I know I will be able to do it though. What it feels like is stage fright. I know once I get on stage, everything will be fine. Kind of like a bad case of the jitters.
I went to Sequoyah last night and talked about being scared and it seemed to help a bit. I am just going to keep talking about it and try to go with the flow more. I still think it would be a good idea to call Debbie and talk to her about it too. I think she might be able to give me more of a professional and objective opinion. It’s weird, but this all doesn’t seem to be making me as crazy or scared since I voiced it was making me crazy and scared.
I think Andrew is supposed to be in town Friday but I am not sure. I know parts of his family are on the waiting list to stay at the Fellowship Center, but I don’t know if they are staying or not. And I don’t know for sure that he is coming to Knoxville. I’ll just have to wait and see. Surprisingly, that has been on my mind very little. Sometimes, it is easier to deal with other people than myself.
Beth has been talking to Gerald again. It really does not surprise me. After some of the things he did to her, I’m wondering why, but I really have no room to talk. If she just wants to be friends, I think she will find it is not possible, but, I would not be surprised if they get back together again. Maybe a tad disappointed but not surprised. I don’t know if Beth has noticed it or not, but she really hasn’t been single since she and Gerald split up. These has always been something going on. Gerald, Neal, Benny, and possibly back to Gerald. For some reason, that bothers me and I am not sure why.
August 21, 1993
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Where to begin?
Beth found out she is pregnant. Again. This time, the baby belongs to Benny. She hasn’t decided if she is going to keep it. I think her body is going to make that decision for her because I talked to her today and she is spotting. I believe that after all the abortions she has had, her body is most likely messed up. I could be wrong. I don’t think she needs to have a baby but, then, on the other hand, I think it is wrong to have another abortion. She has had six already and one miscarriage. One would think she had learned something about birth control by now. Once again, I am in a position where I don’t agree at all with my best friend’s lifestyle but she is my friend. Where do I draw the line?
I told Boyce the other night I was attracted to him but that I could be his friend only. I had to be honest with him in order not to be uncomfortable around him. He basically said ditto. He is flying down to Atlanta on Thursday the 26th to meet me here and then my mom, Boyce, Larry, and I are driving to Destin for the weekend. Then Boyce and I fly back to Knoxville on Sunday the 29th. I’m nervous because I like him and he seems to like me, but we both have different agendas. I, for one, am 8 months pregnant with my first child, and he thinks he is in love with some girl in Canada. I would not get involved with him even if I weren’t pregnant because I refuse to be anyone’s second choice. If he really wanted me, he would have to be very convincing. Now that Paris is almost here, I have to be very careful about getting involved with people. Whomever I am with will influence Paris, sometimes directly, other times indirectly. I have to be a lot more careful than I ever was in the past.
My mom and I just spent 1 1/2 days in Dallas. It wasn’t that exciting so we came home a day early. I’ll be staying in Atlanta for about a week, then Destin, then home. When I get back to Knoxville, I am going to start looking for a house.
August 31, 1993
I got back from my “vacation” two days ago and, of course, I was exhausted. I do more at my mom’s house than I do here. I enjoyed myself though. We only stayed at the beach one day because two of the mares foaled a month early. Lucky them.
My mom and Boyce really hit it off. I have to admit I was somewhat jealous. They seemed so comfortable together and I feel uncomfortable with him a lot. Now that I have spent a weekend with him, I don’t think he is someone I can stay attracted to. I do enjoy hanging out with him though. This weekend we are going to NYC. My mom and Larry were originally going but Larry moved back in with that girl on the spur of the moment before we went to Destin so my mom gave the tickets to Boyce and I. I’m looking forward to going to NYC with a friend instead of my mom. The last time I went without her I was on drugs so I didn’t do much. I am a little wary about sharing a room with Boyce, but it should be okay. Mom is supposed to call so there are double beds in the room.
I am not going to be doing my volunteer work for a while. Sarah called me yesterday to let me know the Smith’s are at the Fellowship Center. So now I really do have to find something to do with myself until Paris gets here. Or at least until the Smith’s leave the Center. I’m tempted to just go ahead and work anyway but that probably would not be a good idea at this point. I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.
Beth still has not done anything about her pregnancy. She went to the emergency room over the weekend, while I was gone, because she was bleeding but she says it has stopped. She says she is just going to wait until she is about 7 weeks and, if she has not lost the baby, then she will have an abortion. She really should not have the baby. She has not quit smoking or drinking caffeine. She does not have a doctor, has not been taking vitamins, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on. Part of me is really disgusted; part of me is her best friend. Sometimes, it is hard to know what to do or say in this situation.
Only eight weeks left until Paris is born!!!
I can hardly wait!!!!
I love him and I am very glad I am pregnant with him, but I am ready to meet him. And to wear blue jeans again.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Hello new readers!! Thank you for your time!! Here is the rest of July 1993...the story and I are growing bigger together.
July 19, 1993
I was out of town again for the entire weekend. I have not been in town any weekend in July so far. This time I went to Destin. My mom brought Kristy and Austin with her. It was okay, at first, but, as the weekend went on, it got old. I just really can’t stand the way Kristy is with Austin. I’m not particularly fond of Austin either. He has no manners whatsoever. It is very hard to enjoy a meal when his mouth is wide open and he has food in it. He just wasn’t brought up that way.
I ate dinner with Christi tonight and she told me Christy W. is drinking again. I thought she would start back one day.
July 20, 1993
I stopped writing yesterday because I was tired. So I’ll start again now.
Like I left off with, Christy W. is drinking again. I was told today this has been going on since April. It really does not surprise me at all. It comes as no shock.
Tomorrow is Beth’s 23rd birthday. I met her at Java tonight and gave her a present. We did not get a chance to talk much because Donovan sat down with us. I really just don’t have much to say to him. He seems so wrapped up in appearance that he seems to have forgotten about substance. That gets old. Fast. We all wear masks but it is bad to start thinking the mask is who you are deep down.
I feel kind of restless in the Old City. I really don’t enjoy hanging out down there anymore. I’m over that whole scene. I want more than that. I think some of it has to do with my physical state also. I get pretty uncomfortable here lately. And talk about hot! god, I feel fried at times.
My mom called me tonight and told me Mamasam tried to give my dad’s wedding ring to Reagan to give to Lucio because he does not have one. I know she has lost her mind now. So I am supposed to call Papa tomorrow and tell him I would like to have it. Can you imagine what was possibly running through Mamasam’s head? I wonder if she even remembered who it belonged to? I would be really upset if Reagan had taken and given that ring to Lucio. Maybe I’ll hold onto it and give it to whomever I marry. Or maybe, I’ll hang onto it for Paris to use when he gets married.
Well, it is time to go to bed. Write again in a couple of days.
July 24, 1993
I would have written earlier but I had a paper due on Thursday that took up most of my time. So I wrote my paper on Wednesday and kept Jessica for Christi. She went out dancing. I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon.
Beth and I hung out most of the day Friday and I enjoyed myself most of the time. She did one thing on our way home that really turned me off to her company. She urinated in an alley in downtown Knoxville. It was quite gross. I dropped her off in the Old City because she saw this guy named Benny that she is kind of seeing.
It must be in my cards to be single right now. Beth meets guys right and left and I haven’t met one since Andrew left. Of course I am pregnant. It is really no big deal right now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Tom called me on Wednesday to ask me not to go to Sequoyah meetings anymore. I told him no. He proceeded to be a total asshole to me. What’s new? At any rate, he really hurt my feelings. I cried really hard for awhile; then built myself back up. I really do think Tom has some serious emotional problems and I just want him to stay away from me. If he calls again, I’m going to hang up. If I see him, I’ll ignore him. I know, in the past, I did things to instigate some of Tom’s outbursts, but this time, it was pure attack. It was very uncalled for. Between Tom and Andrew, I am convinced I need to get to know people better before I become involved with them.
Paris is as active as ever. Today is his twenty-six week birthday. He’s moving around right now. He has patterns. He usually moves around lunchtime and late at night, like 11 or 12. Then again, in the morning around 8 or 9. It’s the most wonderful feeling and it is so strange to look in a mirror and realize that my son is inside my body. Imagine! A tiny human body and spirit is inside me!! It is truly amazing to experience. I am so looking forward to seeing him for the first time. Well, I guess it won’t be the first time because of the two ultrasounds, but that is not the same thing.
Imagine what it will be like to hold him for the first time!! Not much longer now!!
July 26, 1993
Not much has happened but I still feel the need to write. I went to a women’s meeting tonight at the Flat Iron. I enjoyed it, for the most part. There were a couple of women there who were having problems with their children and it is good to know I might not have as rough a time. One lady had only 45 days clean and is going to go to treatment. She has a 10 year old boy. At least, if I stay sober, I won’t subject Paris to those kinds of things. He doesn’t ever have to see his mama in that way.
This whole thing about moving to Atlanta is starting to get to me. I really dislike not knowing what I am going to do. I know the decision does not need to be made for awhile but I like everything to be taken care of immediately. I believe, if I really think about it, I know I am going back to Atlanta but I am scared. All my friends are in Knoxville, school is here, I got sober here. I guess I just feel safe here, which is a good reason to stay. But, on the other hand, my family is in Atlanta. I know I can go to school in Atlanta and I know I have it in me to make new friends. I just don’t know if I want Paris to grow up in Knoxville TN. If I go to Atlanta, my mom can help me with Paris and I can work for Mr. Harp some so I would feel like I was doing something for my money.
I know the thing to do is just be patient and wait and see how things go after Paris is born. That is really my only option right now.
July 31, 1993
Today is the last day of July and that means my due date is that much closer. Time goes by so fast. My baby shower is next weekend. It all just kind of slips up on me. I’m already at 27 weeks and starting on my bi-monthly doctor visits. My mom came up yesterday and went to the doctor with me again. I had to do a glucose screening, which was fine, and get a shot because I have A- type blood. Then I did another ultrasound and Paris is definitely a Paris! I’m very happy to hear that!! My mom and I went on a tour of the hospital and it made all this seem very much more real. I am actually having a baby. I’m scared to death but I can’t wait! There was a little newborn in the nursery and they are so small and precious. Paris is going to be such a gift to me. Quite a handful, but a gift nonetheless. Mr. Harp sent up a huge baby shower present. I am dying to open it but I am supposed to wait until later so I am going to try and wait.
I was talking to my mom about Andrew today and he still has not signed my paper. My lawyer seems to think if he still has not signed after the baby is born, the best thing to do is threaten him with child support payments unless he signs the parental release form. That would probably work but what if that backfired on me? I do not want to go through all of that and I certainly don’t want to put Paris through it either. This is another situation that calls for patience, just like moving. Wait and see tactics. I really get tired of waiting but, sometimes, I have no alternative in this matter.
Beth is okay I believe. She’s seeing someone else already. His name is Benny and, of course, she has already slept with him without birth control. Even though it sounds hypocritical, that really gets under my skin. Beth has had six abortions. That is wrong. She should know better by now. If she gets pregnant again, I do not know if I could stand by her because she knows better. She should know from talking to me that it is not all fun and games. But I should just wait and see what happens. Or hope that nothing does.
Gerald has been going around town talking to everybody about Beth. I must say, I think Tom and he are up there together on levels on insanity. I feel sorry for both of them.
I was out of town again for the entire weekend. I have not been in town any weekend in July so far. This time I went to Destin. My mom brought Kristy and Austin with her. It was okay, at first, but, as the weekend went on, it got old. I just really can’t stand the way Kristy is with Austin. I’m not particularly fond of Austin either. He has no manners whatsoever. It is very hard to enjoy a meal when his mouth is wide open and he has food in it. He just wasn’t brought up that way.
I ate dinner with Christi tonight and she told me Christy W. is drinking again. I thought she would start back one day.
July 20, 1993
I stopped writing yesterday because I was tired. So I’ll start again now.
Like I left off with, Christy W. is drinking again. I was told today this has been going on since April. It really does not surprise me at all. It comes as no shock.
Tomorrow is Beth’s 23rd birthday. I met her at Java tonight and gave her a present. We did not get a chance to talk much because Donovan sat down with us. I really just don’t have much to say to him. He seems so wrapped up in appearance that he seems to have forgotten about substance. That gets old. Fast. We all wear masks but it is bad to start thinking the mask is who you are deep down.
I feel kind of restless in the Old City. I really don’t enjoy hanging out down there anymore. I’m over that whole scene. I want more than that. I think some of it has to do with my physical state also. I get pretty uncomfortable here lately. And talk about hot! god, I feel fried at times.
My mom called me tonight and told me Mamasam tried to give my dad’s wedding ring to Reagan to give to Lucio because he does not have one. I know she has lost her mind now. So I am supposed to call Papa tomorrow and tell him I would like to have it. Can you imagine what was possibly running through Mamasam’s head? I wonder if she even remembered who it belonged to? I would be really upset if Reagan had taken and given that ring to Lucio. Maybe I’ll hold onto it and give it to whomever I marry. Or maybe, I’ll hang onto it for Paris to use when he gets married.
Well, it is time to go to bed. Write again in a couple of days.
July 24, 1993
I would have written earlier but I had a paper due on Thursday that took up most of my time. So I wrote my paper on Wednesday and kept Jessica for Christi. She went out dancing. I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon.
Beth and I hung out most of the day Friday and I enjoyed myself most of the time. She did one thing on our way home that really turned me off to her company. She urinated in an alley in downtown Knoxville. It was quite gross. I dropped her off in the Old City because she saw this guy named Benny that she is kind of seeing.
It must be in my cards to be single right now. Beth meets guys right and left and I haven’t met one since Andrew left. Of course I am pregnant. It is really no big deal right now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Tom called me on Wednesday to ask me not to go to Sequoyah meetings anymore. I told him no. He proceeded to be a total asshole to me. What’s new? At any rate, he really hurt my feelings. I cried really hard for awhile; then built myself back up. I really do think Tom has some serious emotional problems and I just want him to stay away from me. If he calls again, I’m going to hang up. If I see him, I’ll ignore him. I know, in the past, I did things to instigate some of Tom’s outbursts, but this time, it was pure attack. It was very uncalled for. Between Tom and Andrew, I am convinced I need to get to know people better before I become involved with them.
Paris is as active as ever. Today is his twenty-six week birthday. He’s moving around right now. He has patterns. He usually moves around lunchtime and late at night, like 11 or 12. Then again, in the morning around 8 or 9. It’s the most wonderful feeling and it is so strange to look in a mirror and realize that my son is inside my body. Imagine! A tiny human body and spirit is inside me!! It is truly amazing to experience. I am so looking forward to seeing him for the first time. Well, I guess it won’t be the first time because of the two ultrasounds, but that is not the same thing.
Imagine what it will be like to hold him for the first time!! Not much longer now!!
July 26, 1993
Not much has happened but I still feel the need to write. I went to a women’s meeting tonight at the Flat Iron. I enjoyed it, for the most part. There were a couple of women there who were having problems with their children and it is good to know I might not have as rough a time. One lady had only 45 days clean and is going to go to treatment. She has a 10 year old boy. At least, if I stay sober, I won’t subject Paris to those kinds of things. He doesn’t ever have to see his mama in that way.
This whole thing about moving to Atlanta is starting to get to me. I really dislike not knowing what I am going to do. I know the decision does not need to be made for awhile but I like everything to be taken care of immediately. I believe, if I really think about it, I know I am going back to Atlanta but I am scared. All my friends are in Knoxville, school is here, I got sober here. I guess I just feel safe here, which is a good reason to stay. But, on the other hand, my family is in Atlanta. I know I can go to school in Atlanta and I know I have it in me to make new friends. I just don’t know if I want Paris to grow up in Knoxville TN. If I go to Atlanta, my mom can help me with Paris and I can work for Mr. Harp some so I would feel like I was doing something for my money.
I know the thing to do is just be patient and wait and see how things go after Paris is born. That is really my only option right now.
July 31, 1993
Today is the last day of July and that means my due date is that much closer. Time goes by so fast. My baby shower is next weekend. It all just kind of slips up on me. I’m already at 27 weeks and starting on my bi-monthly doctor visits. My mom came up yesterday and went to the doctor with me again. I had to do a glucose screening, which was fine, and get a shot because I have A- type blood. Then I did another ultrasound and Paris is definitely a Paris! I’m very happy to hear that!! My mom and I went on a tour of the hospital and it made all this seem very much more real. I am actually having a baby. I’m scared to death but I can’t wait! There was a little newborn in the nursery and they are so small and precious. Paris is going to be such a gift to me. Quite a handful, but a gift nonetheless. Mr. Harp sent up a huge baby shower present. I am dying to open it but I am supposed to wait until later so I am going to try and wait.
I was talking to my mom about Andrew today and he still has not signed my paper. My lawyer seems to think if he still has not signed after the baby is born, the best thing to do is threaten him with child support payments unless he signs the parental release form. That would probably work but what if that backfired on me? I do not want to go through all of that and I certainly don’t want to put Paris through it either. This is another situation that calls for patience, just like moving. Wait and see tactics. I really get tired of waiting but, sometimes, I have no alternative in this matter.
Beth is okay I believe. She’s seeing someone else already. His name is Benny and, of course, she has already slept with him without birth control. Even though it sounds hypocritical, that really gets under my skin. Beth has had six abortions. That is wrong. She should know better by now. If she gets pregnant again, I do not know if I could stand by her because she knows better. She should know from talking to me that it is not all fun and games. But I should just wait and see what happens. Or hope that nothing does.
Gerald has been going around town talking to everybody about Beth. I must say, I think Tom and he are up there together on levels on insanity. I feel sorry for both of them.
Monday, April 26, 2010
OMG...I was such a snob....
July 6, 1993
I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.
I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.
My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.
My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....
Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.
I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.
I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.
Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.
July 8, 1993
I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.
It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.
Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.
I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.
My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.
Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.
July 12, 1993
I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.
I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.
July 14, 1993
I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.
When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.
It would kill me if anything did.
I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.
I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.
I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.
My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.
My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....
Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.
I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.
I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.
Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.
July 8, 1993
I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.
It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.
Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.
I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.
My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.
Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.
July 12, 1993
I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.
I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.
July 14, 1993
I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.
When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.
It would kill me if anything did.
I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Isn't it grand how the past always has a way of catching up to you?! Love to all of you!!
June 26, 1993
I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.
It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.
It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.
One day.
June 27, 1993
Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.
I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.
I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.
June 30, 1993
I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.
I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.
I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.
But, of course, I will make it. I always do.
I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.
It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.
It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.
One day.
June 27, 1993
Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.
I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.
I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.
June 30, 1993
I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.
I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.
I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.
But, of course, I will make it. I always do.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Love is grand...have a happy and safe weekend. BF will pick up again Monday!!
June 24, 1993
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Now on Facebook!!
Be sure to check out Butterfly Flits on Facebook for an enhanced multi-media Flit experience.
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Thanks for taking your time to read and offer feedback!! It is much appreciated!!
And the story unfolds even more...that is the beauty of life you know.
June 16, 1993
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Making more progress than I thought--both today & then it seems.
June 10, 1993
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
No more initials....names have been included due to reader requests. Love to all...
May 2, 1993
I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.
I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.
I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.
I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.
May 4, 1993
I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.
I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.
May 24, 1993
It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!
I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.
I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
May 25, 1993
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.
Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.
I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.
I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.
I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.
I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.
May 4, 1993
I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.
I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.
May 24, 1993
It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!
I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.
I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
May 25, 1993
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.
Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.
Friday, April 16, 2010
April 1993 -- This may be it for the weekend. Have an adventure planned. If you have the time, read from start to now & talk to me!!
April 2, 1993
Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!
I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.
AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.
April 6, 1993
How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.
B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.
T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.
I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.
April 11, 1993
It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.
April 13, 1993
Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.
I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.
T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.
All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.
April 17, 1993
I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.
I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.
T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?
My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.
My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.
April 24, 1993
It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.
I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.
I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.
I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.
I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.
I was 13 weeks today.
April 30, 1993
Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.
Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!
I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.
AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.
April 6, 1993
How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.
B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.
T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.
I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.
April 11, 1993
It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.
April 13, 1993
Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.
I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.
T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.
All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.
April 17, 1993
I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.
I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.
T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?
My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.
My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.
April 24, 1993
It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.
I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.
I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.
I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.
I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.
I was 13 weeks today.
April 30, 1993
Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.
The dress rehearsal....
Do you remember when I said, at some point, all this was just the dress rehearsal for the last three years I lived through?
Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.
Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.
Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.
Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thanks for all the feedback--more info at one time it is--March 1993
March 4, 1993
I have asked AS to move out. I started thinking about my pregnancy and came to the conclusion that if I had planned this out, AS would not have been the guy I would have chosen for the father. I also realized I do not care about him enough to try and raise a child with him. AS does not even really want this baby, and I want my baby to be wanted by both parents. He has not decided yet whether or not he is going to take responsibility for the baby. So I am very fed up with him, to say the least. I think, deep down, I want him to just go away and stay out of my way. He said some pretty mean and low things last night, like he felt sorry for my baby because it was going to have me as mother and that I was always an emotional wreck.
March 6, 1993
AS is gone but not until after a very chaotic scene. I was supposed to go to Atlanta yesterday and I asked AS not to stay at the condo while I was gone. I decided not to go to Atlanta and came back to the condo around 5:15 to get in touch with my mom. AS was there--moving his stuff. I started to help him. He said a lot of really mean things but he is gone now. He has decided not to take on the responsibility of his child.
I was feeling much better today, until just a minute ago. When I was leaving the condo to come down to Java, I saw AS in the parking lot and he was loading all his stuff into his ex-girlfriend C’s car. I really know how to pick them don’t I? This whole experience is really painful but I have to pull through for my sake and the baby’s. I don’t think a guy has ever rejected me and I can’t believe AS would reject his own baby. I should just expect the worst from him. It didn’t take him long to get back in touch with C.
March 8, 1993
I’m not sure what kind of Monday it was. A lonely Monday. A frustrating Monday. A typical Monday. I had to deal with AS again this morning. T came over on my lunch hour and lost it. I’m still kind of confused about that one. My mom has no feelings whatsoever. I’m not exactly sure how to work my budget out. I have to pay for the last part of the coffee table, phone, and KUB bill. All before March 20th. I think I will ask my mom to give me my money before I go to the beach.
My mom is really upsetting me. She hasn’t said anything positive about me being pregnant. I really do think she cares for her horse’s babies more than her own daughter’s baby. She even said the other day I should “foal” in Atlanta. I am not a goddamned horse. I asked her today what she felt about me having a baby and she said - we’ll make the best of it and that I do not know what a surprise I am in for. Then she said she was still in shock but she wants a girl and BT wants a boy.
Who cares what BT wants?
March 14, 1993
It has been a really hard week and an even harder weekend. AS has been gone for a week now and it is not any easier. If I am real honest, I miss him and the comfort of having him here. I called info tonight to get his number and, if it had been listed, probably would have done something stupid. I feel pretty lonely at times. It can get almost unbearable. This is the first time in 15 months I have been out of a relationship and planned on not becoming involved in another one. I probably need to stay out of them. I don’t seem to have the best of luck these days.
T and I had started to talk again but not anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now. He says it is too painful and that I can’t be real 100% of the time. I can’t. Everybody has their bad days I thought, but T says he is perfect. I don’t buy it.
I’ve been cooped up in this condo since Friday night because Knoxville has had over a foot of snow so the whole town shut down. I’m about to go stir crazy. I hope school is in tomorrow just to have something to do.
Humans are definitely social animals.
March 16, 1993
It has been quite the two days. I was so ready to get out of this house yesterday so I called B to see what she was up to. Her cousin said she was in the hospital. So I went to the emergency room and spent the day there. B had been bleeding a little and having cramps. They told her it was a false miscarriage but the doctor wanted her to do a follow up with him today. She went to the doctor today and she is going to miscarry. Her baby has not been developing right. B is crushed.
It was hard to know what to say to someone who is still pregnant but who is losing her baby and knows it. I know it must be terrible. It would devastate me. I am just going to let my shit go for a while and be there for B as much as I possibly can. It is going to be really hard for her for a while.
I pray this does not happen to me. I pray my pregnancy goes full term and I have a healthy baby. What is really strange is the night before B went to the hospital, I dreamt about a miscarriage. I woke up thinking it was mine. Maybe it was B’s. It could be mine. I hope to god it’s not.
I saw AS today. D told me he was moving to New York. I stopped by his office to find out if it was true and how to get a hold on him in the future to sign release forms. He was rude, curt, and altogether immature and disgusting. I really was trying to be polite today considering I was in his office, but, he made no attempt whatsoever to be civil. I am starting to wonder whatever compelled me to go out with him, to sleep with him, to let him move into my condo...etc. I must not have been in my right mind.
I wonder what I will tell my child about his or her father? He was a talented sketcher? That’s the only positive thing I can come up with, but I have plenty of time to think about that.
March 17, 1993
B thinks she is going to miscarry soon. She says she has passed a couple of blood clots. It has got to be killing her. I know this happening to her has got me very paranoid about my baby miscarrying. That would have to be the hardest thing to go through sober. Or it ranks right up there with hard things. She said if her doctor lets her, she is still going to come to Destin. I think it would be really good for her to still go. She probably needs to get away more than she realizes.
My lawyer finally talked to AS. All that should be settled soon; at least legally. I have a lot to work on emotionally. I’m not getting as lonely as I was at first, but I still get lonely of course. I don’t have much self-confidence in my looks right now. It is a chore to go to school anymore although I think I did okay on a math test today.
I have asked AS to move out. I started thinking about my pregnancy and came to the conclusion that if I had planned this out, AS would not have been the guy I would have chosen for the father. I also realized I do not care about him enough to try and raise a child with him. AS does not even really want this baby, and I want my baby to be wanted by both parents. He has not decided yet whether or not he is going to take responsibility for the baby. So I am very fed up with him, to say the least. I think, deep down, I want him to just go away and stay out of my way. He said some pretty mean and low things last night, like he felt sorry for my baby because it was going to have me as mother and that I was always an emotional wreck.
March 6, 1993
AS is gone but not until after a very chaotic scene. I was supposed to go to Atlanta yesterday and I asked AS not to stay at the condo while I was gone. I decided not to go to Atlanta and came back to the condo around 5:15 to get in touch with my mom. AS was there--moving his stuff. I started to help him. He said a lot of really mean things but he is gone now. He has decided not to take on the responsibility of his child.
I was feeling much better today, until just a minute ago. When I was leaving the condo to come down to Java, I saw AS in the parking lot and he was loading all his stuff into his ex-girlfriend C’s car. I really know how to pick them don’t I? This whole experience is really painful but I have to pull through for my sake and the baby’s. I don’t think a guy has ever rejected me and I can’t believe AS would reject his own baby. I should just expect the worst from him. It didn’t take him long to get back in touch with C.
March 8, 1993
I’m not sure what kind of Monday it was. A lonely Monday. A frustrating Monday. A typical Monday. I had to deal with AS again this morning. T came over on my lunch hour and lost it. I’m still kind of confused about that one. My mom has no feelings whatsoever. I’m not exactly sure how to work my budget out. I have to pay for the last part of the coffee table, phone, and KUB bill. All before March 20th. I think I will ask my mom to give me my money before I go to the beach.
My mom is really upsetting me. She hasn’t said anything positive about me being pregnant. I really do think she cares for her horse’s babies more than her own daughter’s baby. She even said the other day I should “foal” in Atlanta. I am not a goddamned horse. I asked her today what she felt about me having a baby and she said - we’ll make the best of it and that I do not know what a surprise I am in for. Then she said she was still in shock but she wants a girl and BT wants a boy.
Who cares what BT wants?
March 14, 1993
It has been a really hard week and an even harder weekend. AS has been gone for a week now and it is not any easier. If I am real honest, I miss him and the comfort of having him here. I called info tonight to get his number and, if it had been listed, probably would have done something stupid. I feel pretty lonely at times. It can get almost unbearable. This is the first time in 15 months I have been out of a relationship and planned on not becoming involved in another one. I probably need to stay out of them. I don’t seem to have the best of luck these days.
T and I had started to talk again but not anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now. He says it is too painful and that I can’t be real 100% of the time. I can’t. Everybody has their bad days I thought, but T says he is perfect. I don’t buy it.
I’ve been cooped up in this condo since Friday night because Knoxville has had over a foot of snow so the whole town shut down. I’m about to go stir crazy. I hope school is in tomorrow just to have something to do.
Humans are definitely social animals.
March 16, 1993
It has been quite the two days. I was so ready to get out of this house yesterday so I called B to see what she was up to. Her cousin said she was in the hospital. So I went to the emergency room and spent the day there. B had been bleeding a little and having cramps. They told her it was a false miscarriage but the doctor wanted her to do a follow up with him today. She went to the doctor today and she is going to miscarry. Her baby has not been developing right. B is crushed.
It was hard to know what to say to someone who is still pregnant but who is losing her baby and knows it. I know it must be terrible. It would devastate me. I am just going to let my shit go for a while and be there for B as much as I possibly can. It is going to be really hard for her for a while.
I pray this does not happen to me. I pray my pregnancy goes full term and I have a healthy baby. What is really strange is the night before B went to the hospital, I dreamt about a miscarriage. I woke up thinking it was mine. Maybe it was B’s. It could be mine. I hope to god it’s not.
I saw AS today. D told me he was moving to New York. I stopped by his office to find out if it was true and how to get a hold on him in the future to sign release forms. He was rude, curt, and altogether immature and disgusting. I really was trying to be polite today considering I was in his office, but, he made no attempt whatsoever to be civil. I am starting to wonder whatever compelled me to go out with him, to sleep with him, to let him move into my condo...etc. I must not have been in my right mind.
I wonder what I will tell my child about his or her father? He was a talented sketcher? That’s the only positive thing I can come up with, but I have plenty of time to think about that.
March 17, 1993
B thinks she is going to miscarry soon. She says she has passed a couple of blood clots. It has got to be killing her. I know this happening to her has got me very paranoid about my baby miscarrying. That would have to be the hardest thing to go through sober. Or it ranks right up there with hard things. She said if her doctor lets her, she is still going to come to Destin. I think it would be really good for her to still go. She probably needs to get away more than she realizes.
My lawyer finally talked to AS. All that should be settled soon; at least legally. I have a lot to work on emotionally. I’m not getting as lonely as I was at first, but I still get lonely of course. I don’t have much self-confidence in my looks right now. It is a chore to go to school anymore although I think I did okay on a math test today.
Feedback!!
So is anyone even reading this or am I agonizing over nothing as I let this stuff go?
If you are reading, give me some feedback.
Let me know what you think. Let me know if you want more or less content. I have all the way until 2006 to get through before I stop. That story will not be told here. But let me hear something people!! Your silence is causing mild panic attacks.
And, please, share this on your Facebook pages, with your students, with your associates, with anyone you know who works with teen parents, drug addicts, domestic and family violence victims, anyone you can think of who may hear part of my past, relate it to their present, and use it to get through the moment.
Love to all. Hugs too.
Charity
If you are reading, give me some feedback.
Let me know what you think. Let me know if you want more or less content. I have all the way until 2006 to get through before I stop. That story will not be told here. But let me hear something people!! Your silence is causing mild panic attacks.
And, please, share this on your Facebook pages, with your students, with your associates, with anyone you know who works with teen parents, drug addicts, domestic and family violence victims, anyone you can think of who may hear part of my past, relate it to their present, and use it to get through the moment.
Love to all. Hugs too.
Charity
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
She's having a baby...
February 4, 1993
It’s been a long time since I wrote last. A lot of stuff has gone on too. My mom did take BT back. That is pretty disgusting but what can I do? Nothing. I told her how I feel about it and haven’t said anything else about it to her. I haven’t talked to T since the last time I wrote. I have done a pretty effective job of putting distance between us. I have not been to a meeting in a while. I told my story on the 29th but that is about it. I’m getting ready to go to one tonight.
I’ve been in my turtle phase, pulled up into my shell, basically running from my emotions. It is about time to come out of my shell. It only causes more problems then it cures. I’m still seeing AS. We seem to get along well. Nothing serious really. A lot of guys have been hinting around they are interested in seeing me but I don’t think so. One at a time is enough for me. It would get way too confusing to see more than one at a time. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with AS. I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
February 19, 1993
Well, I finally moved into my new condo. It’s about time! It looks so good! And AS is living here too. Our furniture looks really good together.
February 24, 1993
Life is finally settling down to normal again. All the moving and packing is done. All the unpacking is done. Now AS and I are getting used to living together. So far, it has worked out real well. He is good about staying out of my way when I am in one of my moods. He’s not like T at all. When we are at home, we both do our own thing. He doesn’t need my constant attention. When something is bothering me, he’ll ask about it, but doesn’t demand I talk about it. When I’m ready to talk, he’ll listen. So far, so good. I’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been slacking off my meetings lately. I went to one last night but hadn’t been to one in about a week and a half. I don’t like driving all the way out to west Knoxville to meetings anymore so I am going to try and go to the Tuesday and Thursday Melrose from now on. I was also supposed to go to therapy today but I called and cancelled my session. I’m tired of driving out to west Knox for that too. I don’t think I am going to do it anymore. I haven’t been in two weeks and I seem to be doing okay with it. Or without it.
B and I haven’t seen much of each other lately. I was all wrapped up into moving into Park Place and B has been all wrapped up into being pregnant. She is about 10 weeks along now. She decided to name her baby Sage if it is a girl and Forest if it is a boy. Cool names I think.
Speaking of pregnancy, I still haven’t had a period this month. I can’t decide if I should be worried about it or not because I don’t remember when my one last month was.
February 25, 1993
I decided last night I had to know if I was pregnant or not, so I went to the drugstore and bought a test. It came out positive. So now, I know, I am pregnant.
I’ve told my parents. AS has told his. My grandparents know. All our friends know. Now, all I have to do is wait 9 months and then devote my life to raising a child. Don’t ask my why I’m having it because I do not know. I only know I can’t and won’t have an abortion. I’m not really sure how I feel about it yet. It is slowly sinking in.
I’ll get back to you in a couple of days. It is all pretty new to me. Very new.
My mom is going to help me out. So is AS.
February 27, 1993
Well, it is Saturday and I am still pregnant. It is slowly sinking in, a little more day by day. I figure I will freak out in about a week, but, right now, I am still pretty calm about it.
AS and I got into our first little spat today. I wouldn’t call it an argument because we weren’t yelling or cussing one another out, but we were being curt and childish.
I feel good about my decision so far. For a while today, I really wanted to go out, dance, smoke, all that stuff, but only for a moment. I feel like I am doing something much more important than all that stuff.
AS and I went to Baby Superstore today and it was a really strange feeling to be around all that baby stuff.
It’s been a long time since I wrote last. A lot of stuff has gone on too. My mom did take BT back. That is pretty disgusting but what can I do? Nothing. I told her how I feel about it and haven’t said anything else about it to her. I haven’t talked to T since the last time I wrote. I have done a pretty effective job of putting distance between us. I have not been to a meeting in a while. I told my story on the 29th but that is about it. I’m getting ready to go to one tonight.
I’ve been in my turtle phase, pulled up into my shell, basically running from my emotions. It is about time to come out of my shell. It only causes more problems then it cures. I’m still seeing AS. We seem to get along well. Nothing serious really. A lot of guys have been hinting around they are interested in seeing me but I don’t think so. One at a time is enough for me. It would get way too confusing to see more than one at a time. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with AS. I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
February 19, 1993
Well, I finally moved into my new condo. It’s about time! It looks so good! And AS is living here too. Our furniture looks really good together.
February 24, 1993
Life is finally settling down to normal again. All the moving and packing is done. All the unpacking is done. Now AS and I are getting used to living together. So far, it has worked out real well. He is good about staying out of my way when I am in one of my moods. He’s not like T at all. When we are at home, we both do our own thing. He doesn’t need my constant attention. When something is bothering me, he’ll ask about it, but doesn’t demand I talk about it. When I’m ready to talk, he’ll listen. So far, so good. I’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been slacking off my meetings lately. I went to one last night but hadn’t been to one in about a week and a half. I don’t like driving all the way out to west Knoxville to meetings anymore so I am going to try and go to the Tuesday and Thursday Melrose from now on. I was also supposed to go to therapy today but I called and cancelled my session. I’m tired of driving out to west Knox for that too. I don’t think I am going to do it anymore. I haven’t been in two weeks and I seem to be doing okay with it. Or without it.
B and I haven’t seen much of each other lately. I was all wrapped up into moving into Park Place and B has been all wrapped up into being pregnant. She is about 10 weeks along now. She decided to name her baby Sage if it is a girl and Forest if it is a boy. Cool names I think.
Speaking of pregnancy, I still haven’t had a period this month. I can’t decide if I should be worried about it or not because I don’t remember when my one last month was.
February 25, 1993
I decided last night I had to know if I was pregnant or not, so I went to the drugstore and bought a test. It came out positive. So now, I know, I am pregnant.
I’ve told my parents. AS has told his. My grandparents know. All our friends know. Now, all I have to do is wait 9 months and then devote my life to raising a child. Don’t ask my why I’m having it because I do not know. I only know I can’t and won’t have an abortion. I’m not really sure how I feel about it yet. It is slowly sinking in.
I’ll get back to you in a couple of days. It is all pretty new to me. Very new.
My mom is going to help me out. So is AS.
February 27, 1993
Well, it is Saturday and I am still pregnant. It is slowly sinking in, a little more day by day. I figure I will freak out in about a week, but, right now, I am still pretty calm about it.
AS and I got into our first little spat today. I wouldn’t call it an argument because we weren’t yelling or cussing one another out, but we were being curt and childish.
I feel good about my decision so far. For a while today, I really wanted to go out, dance, smoke, all that stuff, but only for a moment. I feel like I am doing something much more important than all that stuff.
AS and I went to Baby Superstore today and it was a really strange feeling to be around all that baby stuff.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
More outtakes of a life....
January 14, 1993
Classes started yesterday and it feels good to be back in school. Of course the parking situation sucks, but, as soon as some of those people start slacking off, parking will be better. That is the only aggravating aspect of it all. Long breaks drive me crazy too. Way too much time to think.
My life has gotten really busy again lately. I got elected to the position of Alternate Secretary for the Young People’s Group. B got elected Secretary. I might be busy helping to get that group together again.
I’ve gone out with AS three times. I’ve been toying with the idea of telling him I can’t see him anymore. He’s not really my type. He is a nice guy, but seems to be kind of superficial. I don’t know...maybe I could just keep hanging out with him just to have fun. Every time I go out with him though I leave thinking about T. My therapist says that is probably from wishing I had someone to talk to like I talked to T. I do miss talking to him. And snuggling with him, but I just don’t think I could go back right now. Maybe someday. I’ve been really sad ever since we decided to stop talking to and seeing each other at all. Really sad. I let more walls down with him than I have with anybody else and T really cared about me more than anyone ever has, boyfriend wise. I did talk to him the other night and it was good to talk to him. He seemed really sad too. I believe things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I finally met my next door neighbor-B. He is 24 years old and has three degrees. He is working on his fourth that is going to be a doctorate in geology. He wants to be an environmental consultant. He’s from Louisiana and is going to be in Knoxville until June and is going to try to get a grant so he can stay two more years. He is an Aquarius. He told me last night that Scorpios and Aquarians are attracted to one another because they signify opposite ends of the spectrum.
I talked to him for a while. He came over to my place to see it and we watched Seinfeld and then went to Acme Pizza. It was humorous when we got home because we said goodbye in the hallway and then went to our respective apartments. He’s not ugly, he is not a hunk, but he exudes an air of certainty. It is a very calm feeling. So now, I may start seeing him too, but I know I couldn’t see more than two guys at once. I would go crazy. I will keep the journal posted.
I gave Metoli away yesterday. The guy I gave him to was going to give him to his parents. The mom is retired and they live on land. I hope they are nice people. I miss him. It is strange not to have to go home periodically to let Metoli out or to have him bouncing around and sleeping with me. If he went to a good home where he can run around and play, he’ll be much better off. Of course, Sydney doesn’t mind at all. He gets all the attention now. I think I am going to keep him until I move into my condo. A week before I move I will put an ad in the paper and find him a new home too. I’ll buy a goldfish to keep me company. I don’t want Sydney throwing up on my carpet and I’m tired of all the animal hair that pervades my life.
So all in all, life seems to be doing okay. I’ve had the ability to feel more emotion lately than I’ve ever been capable of. I suppose it is good, but it does hurt. Dr. R said I need to stop and appreciate the sadness caused by the separation from T because I’ve crossed a milestone by allowing myself to get closer than I ever have before. It is hard to look at it that way when it hurts so badly.
January 17, 1993
My emotions are about to drive me crazy.
The same day I wrote my last journal entry I saw T at a meeting and we talked for two hours. I told him I needed him in my life. I do. We kissed, but the next day, we went back to not seeing or speaking to one another. It’s very sad. I’ve been sad ever since I got back to Knoxville from Christmas. This has been a very painful situation for me. At times, I yearn with all my being to see T and talk to him and hold him and be held, and, at other times, seeing only him is not what I want to do at all. When I was talking to him on Thursday night, I felt great. I felt comfortable and real. But, as soon as I hugged him and we kissed, I knew it was wrong.
I think what I miss the most is just talking but T says he can’t be with me if I am going to see other people. That’s understandable if he loves me as much as he says he does but I really do need him. There are a couple of other things I need to do. I need to start going to more meeting. I have not gone to many.....(page missing)
January 18, 1993
Today was much better than yesterday. There was no school because it was MLK’s birthday so I got up at 945. That is when T called me to tell me he missed me and was in a lot of pain. I really did not know what to say. I told him I missed him too but I thought it was better if we did not see each other at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation for some reason. Last night I was in a lot of pain and cried really hard, and then today, after T called and I said it was better not to see each other, I felt better, like I had done the right thing. I’m sure I’ll go through more bad days but it is getting better.
I hung out with B some today. She is going through a really hard time too. It’s almost the exact same situation as what T and I went through. She wants her space and isn’t sure if she really loves G or not. Big difference is they are engaged to be married. That has to make everything so much harder to understand. I told her she could come stay with me for a while if she wanted to. I feel bad for her because I know how painful it is to be in that space of not knowing and not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings and do the right thing and all that stuff. I think she’ll do what she needs to though.
January 19, 1993
I seem to be feeling better these days. I was actually in a good mood today. I went to all my classes and my first lab. It feels good to be busy. I gave Sydney away to a married couple who had to have their cat put to sleep on Friday. So now my apartment is empty. No animals, just me, myself, and I. AS and I went to go see the Madonna movie “Body of Evidence”. It was okay but not that great. It feels easier to hang out with AS since I talked to T yesterday. Now I think about it, I probably could not have seen other guys and him without feeling, I don’t know, beholden to him in some way. I would have felt guilty, but since I told him we should just stay apart for now, I did not feel bad when I left AS tonight. I actually had a good time. I’m starting to enjoy my life again. So far, I am doing what I need to do for school. I’ve promised myself at least three meetings per week. I’m going out. I’m staying busy. But, of course, there is still a lot of sadness. That will most likely stay. What feels good is that I am not ignoring it but I am living with it.
I wonder how B is?
January 26, 1993
Today was your typical shitty Monday. A lot of stuff happened. B found out she is pregnant. That was not shitty-that was good. When I called my mom last night, BT was there. They were talking. I would be willing to bet money she is going to take him back. That is pretty disappointing. She is being real defensive with me again and not talking. It is very, very painful to go through, again. I hope to god she does not take him back, but, she probably will. Then, after I found out about that, T called again, after two weeks, and we got into it. He wanted to know- right then- what my plans were concerning us and the future.
Classes started yesterday and it feels good to be back in school. Of course the parking situation sucks, but, as soon as some of those people start slacking off, parking will be better. That is the only aggravating aspect of it all. Long breaks drive me crazy too. Way too much time to think.
My life has gotten really busy again lately. I got elected to the position of Alternate Secretary for the Young People’s Group. B got elected Secretary. I might be busy helping to get that group together again.
I’ve gone out with AS three times. I’ve been toying with the idea of telling him I can’t see him anymore. He’s not really my type. He is a nice guy, but seems to be kind of superficial. I don’t know...maybe I could just keep hanging out with him just to have fun. Every time I go out with him though I leave thinking about T. My therapist says that is probably from wishing I had someone to talk to like I talked to T. I do miss talking to him. And snuggling with him, but I just don’t think I could go back right now. Maybe someday. I’ve been really sad ever since we decided to stop talking to and seeing each other at all. Really sad. I let more walls down with him than I have with anybody else and T really cared about me more than anyone ever has, boyfriend wise. I did talk to him the other night and it was good to talk to him. He seemed really sad too. I believe things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I finally met my next door neighbor-B. He is 24 years old and has three degrees. He is working on his fourth that is going to be a doctorate in geology. He wants to be an environmental consultant. He’s from Louisiana and is going to be in Knoxville until June and is going to try to get a grant so he can stay two more years. He is an Aquarius. He told me last night that Scorpios and Aquarians are attracted to one another because they signify opposite ends of the spectrum.
I talked to him for a while. He came over to my place to see it and we watched Seinfeld and then went to Acme Pizza. It was humorous when we got home because we said goodbye in the hallway and then went to our respective apartments. He’s not ugly, he is not a hunk, but he exudes an air of certainty. It is a very calm feeling. So now, I may start seeing him too, but I know I couldn’t see more than two guys at once. I would go crazy. I will keep the journal posted.
I gave Metoli away yesterday. The guy I gave him to was going to give him to his parents. The mom is retired and they live on land. I hope they are nice people. I miss him. It is strange not to have to go home periodically to let Metoli out or to have him bouncing around and sleeping with me. If he went to a good home where he can run around and play, he’ll be much better off. Of course, Sydney doesn’t mind at all. He gets all the attention now. I think I am going to keep him until I move into my condo. A week before I move I will put an ad in the paper and find him a new home too. I’ll buy a goldfish to keep me company. I don’t want Sydney throwing up on my carpet and I’m tired of all the animal hair that pervades my life.
So all in all, life seems to be doing okay. I’ve had the ability to feel more emotion lately than I’ve ever been capable of. I suppose it is good, but it does hurt. Dr. R said I need to stop and appreciate the sadness caused by the separation from T because I’ve crossed a milestone by allowing myself to get closer than I ever have before. It is hard to look at it that way when it hurts so badly.
January 17, 1993
My emotions are about to drive me crazy.
The same day I wrote my last journal entry I saw T at a meeting and we talked for two hours. I told him I needed him in my life. I do. We kissed, but the next day, we went back to not seeing or speaking to one another. It’s very sad. I’ve been sad ever since I got back to Knoxville from Christmas. This has been a very painful situation for me. At times, I yearn with all my being to see T and talk to him and hold him and be held, and, at other times, seeing only him is not what I want to do at all. When I was talking to him on Thursday night, I felt great. I felt comfortable and real. But, as soon as I hugged him and we kissed, I knew it was wrong.
I think what I miss the most is just talking but T says he can’t be with me if I am going to see other people. That’s understandable if he loves me as much as he says he does but I really do need him. There are a couple of other things I need to do. I need to start going to more meeting. I have not gone to many.....(page missing)
January 18, 1993
Today was much better than yesterday. There was no school because it was MLK’s birthday so I got up at 945. That is when T called me to tell me he missed me and was in a lot of pain. I really did not know what to say. I told him I missed him too but I thought it was better if we did not see each other at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation for some reason. Last night I was in a lot of pain and cried really hard, and then today, after T called and I said it was better not to see each other, I felt better, like I had done the right thing. I’m sure I’ll go through more bad days but it is getting better.
I hung out with B some today. She is going through a really hard time too. It’s almost the exact same situation as what T and I went through. She wants her space and isn’t sure if she really loves G or not. Big difference is they are engaged to be married. That has to make everything so much harder to understand. I told her she could come stay with me for a while if she wanted to. I feel bad for her because I know how painful it is to be in that space of not knowing and not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings and do the right thing and all that stuff. I think she’ll do what she needs to though.
January 19, 1993
I seem to be feeling better these days. I was actually in a good mood today. I went to all my classes and my first lab. It feels good to be busy. I gave Sydney away to a married couple who had to have their cat put to sleep on Friday. So now my apartment is empty. No animals, just me, myself, and I. AS and I went to go see the Madonna movie “Body of Evidence”. It was okay but not that great. It feels easier to hang out with AS since I talked to T yesterday. Now I think about it, I probably could not have seen other guys and him without feeling, I don’t know, beholden to him in some way. I would have felt guilty, but since I told him we should just stay apart for now, I did not feel bad when I left AS tonight. I actually had a good time. I’m starting to enjoy my life again. So far, I am doing what I need to do for school. I’ve promised myself at least three meetings per week. I’m going out. I’m staying busy. But, of course, there is still a lot of sadness. That will most likely stay. What feels good is that I am not ignoring it but I am living with it.
I wonder how B is?
January 26, 1993
Today was your typical shitty Monday. A lot of stuff happened. B found out she is pregnant. That was not shitty-that was good. When I called my mom last night, BT was there. They were talking. I would be willing to bet money she is going to take him back. That is pretty disappointing. She is being real defensive with me again and not talking. It is very, very painful to go through, again. I hope to god she does not take him back, but, she probably will. Then, after I found out about that, T called again, after two weeks, and we got into it. He wanted to know- right then- what my plans were concerning us and the future.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Life unfolds in pages.....thanks to all those who helped me on Ella's birthday...you are loved.
January 2, 1993
It is a pretty bland Saturday afternoon and I am down at Java’s alone and bored. I think it would probably be a good idea for me to go to a meeting. I’m not sure what my deal is. For about the last 15 minutes, I’ve seriously contemplated smoking again. I’m talking myself out of that one. Another thing I can’t quit thinking about is T. I’ve talked to him four times since we broke up. The first two times sucked. The third time we decided to be friends and just see what happens. I talked to him last night, around 1am, and it went pretty well. Then he called me again this morning and asked me out to lunch tomorrow. I still don’t know what I want. I do not know whether I want to be with somebody, anybody, or just T period. Or, do I really not want to be with anybody, but, I also don’t want to be alone? It’s hard to be patient and sit this out. No answer seems to be forthcoming.
January 4, 1993
My last entry is so short because when I was writing about how lonely I was, K showed up at Java’s and kept me company. I’ve felt better the last couple of days. B and I went dancing on Saturday night until 5:30am. I gave my phone number to one of her old roommates named D but, I probably won’t go out with him. This guy was in my religion class this semester. Not a very smart guy.
It was good for me to go out and be around people. T came and got me Sunday and we went to lunch, then took Metoli to the park to let him run around. Then B, T, and I went to a movie and then took B home. T and I went to his place and talked until 2:30am. This whole thing with T is really strange to me. I’ve really enjoyed being with him the last couple of times and I think I am just now really starting to care about him. It’s a lot easier to talk to him and be with him, to explain things to him, but only when we’re not together. And I’m going to date other people. Part of me seems sure that it wants to be with T. I’m always thinking about him and wanting him to call and talking about him. Lately, when I am with him, I feel so comfortable and, this is the really amazing part, my brain is quiet for the most part. This is the part that wants to forget everything and just see only him. Then there is this other part that wants to take things slow and go out on a couple of dates and just see what happens. Which is what I’ll most likely do.
January 5, 1993
Well, I finally went back to therapy today. I’m not too sure I liked what I heard. She said the reason T and I enjoyed being around each other more is because, now that I can do whatever I want again, my walls have gone back up. I don’t know if I agree with that or not. It doesn’t feel like all my walls are up again. I feel like it is easier to be real with T now. I enjoy being with him. Sometimes I really wonder about all this psychotherapy stuff. One the one hand, it does help, but, on the other, it gets very confusing when I’m trying to figure something out. Like this thing with T. Up until I went to therapy today, I was really enjoying what was going on, and I still am, but now, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I am enjoying it because my walls are up.
Right now I think it really does not matter. I think T and I deserve to enjoy each other’s company for a while. But I need to remember to ask my therapist about that.
I saw D tonight and took him to a meeting with me. He had just left K’s house and was all freaked out. I feel no pity for him. He brought it all on himself. And R called me tonight to see if I wanted to hang out. That was weird. He was going to meet me at Park 40 but did not because J was bitching about it. I expected as much. I have no idea why he was calling me in the first place. Probably just to get J upset-she fooled around on him a couple of week’s ago.
January 6, 1993
I had to go to the dentist this morning. I had a small cavity. I have to go back and get it filled Tuesday before school starts. I hate going to the dentist. Afterwards, T and I went to breakfast and a meeting. He was upset about me seeing other people, which I have not even done yet. Of course, he really doesn’t have a right to say much about it except that it upsets him. He did say if I was going to be seeing other people to please not be affectionate with him. At first, I thought this was unfair to ask me; to be fake around him, but now I understand. I’m sure it is hard for him considering how he feels about me and, there should be no mixed messages. I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. I keep going back and forth on that, but I suppose I don’t have to figure it all out today.
I wonder what it is about me? Why do the guys I get involved with either love me to death or don’t give a shit at all? And how come I don’t seem to be able to feel anything real or intense for them for more than six months? There must be something about six months because B was telling me she was resenting G and they have been together for six months. And, I wonder why I am so scared of commitment? I know I am only 19, and should not even be worrying about commitment, but, of course, I do.
I noticed tonight I am very critical of people. I need to stop doing that. That will be my goal for tomorrow. I’ll not say anything about anybody unless I can say something nice.
I need to call my mom and talk to her. I haven’t found out what is going on with her lately.
January 10, 1993
School is finally starting again!! Thank god!! I was about to get bored out of my mind. I have to go register tomorrow, buy my books and supplies, and then classes start on Wednesday. It’s going to take a while to get back into the routine-going to bed early, getting up early, doing homework, writing papers, going to class. It shouldn’t take too long.
B may be coming to stay with me for a while. She and G are having some problems. She’s really freaking out about the whole marriage/commitment type stuff. She’s not really sure if she cares about him or not, so she is thinking maybe the best way for her to figure it out is to get away from him for a while. It might work. In my own personal opinion, it is very hard for me to see them staying together because they are both so different. One never knows though. They could turn out to be the couple of the century, but, I seriously doubt it.
T and I are not going to see each other anymore. Things were cool between us for a while after we broke up but then we started bitching again the last couple of times we saw each other. T did not like the idea of me seeing other people. He got really freaked out and paranoid and very irrational. I went right back to feeling all pressured again and I did not like that but, it did really hurt when we finally did decide to stop seeing and talking to each other. This happened on Thursday and Friday. I was really sad and in a lot of pain and cried and talked to B, went to a meeting. Saturday, I slept really late, and when I finally did get up, I was pretty sad. I stayed around the house most of the day and then met N at Java’s at 12am. We went dancing at the Boiler Room. I was not really into it until later.
At first, I was still really sad and bored and trying to be cheery and happy go lucky. I eventually had a good time. At around 5:30am, I was dancing with L, and she introduced me to this guy named AS. I have noticed him at Java’s before, drawing in his little book, and had noticed him noticing me, but never had the ability, or the guts, to meet him before. So L introduced us. I got his number and he got mine around 6am this morning. He called me at 8pm tonight and I met him at Java’s around 930pm. We talked until 1130 and then I took him home. He said he would call me tomorrow when he got off work.
He seems like a pretty nice guy. He is 20 years old and works at Knoxville Graphic Arts as a, guess, graphic design artist. He’s not real manly, but, he is nice looking and so far, is fun to talk to. I’ll go out with him again and see. He’s a lot different from T. Considering the fact T and I do not seem to get along anymore, that could be a good thing.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
It is a pretty bland Saturday afternoon and I am down at Java’s alone and bored. I think it would probably be a good idea for me to go to a meeting. I’m not sure what my deal is. For about the last 15 minutes, I’ve seriously contemplated smoking again. I’m talking myself out of that one. Another thing I can’t quit thinking about is T. I’ve talked to him four times since we broke up. The first two times sucked. The third time we decided to be friends and just see what happens. I talked to him last night, around 1am, and it went pretty well. Then he called me again this morning and asked me out to lunch tomorrow. I still don’t know what I want. I do not know whether I want to be with somebody, anybody, or just T period. Or, do I really not want to be with anybody, but, I also don’t want to be alone? It’s hard to be patient and sit this out. No answer seems to be forthcoming.
January 4, 1993
My last entry is so short because when I was writing about how lonely I was, K showed up at Java’s and kept me company. I’ve felt better the last couple of days. B and I went dancing on Saturday night until 5:30am. I gave my phone number to one of her old roommates named D but, I probably won’t go out with him. This guy was in my religion class this semester. Not a very smart guy.
It was good for me to go out and be around people. T came and got me Sunday and we went to lunch, then took Metoli to the park to let him run around. Then B, T, and I went to a movie and then took B home. T and I went to his place and talked until 2:30am. This whole thing with T is really strange to me. I’ve really enjoyed being with him the last couple of times and I think I am just now really starting to care about him. It’s a lot easier to talk to him and be with him, to explain things to him, but only when we’re not together. And I’m going to date other people. Part of me seems sure that it wants to be with T. I’m always thinking about him and wanting him to call and talking about him. Lately, when I am with him, I feel so comfortable and, this is the really amazing part, my brain is quiet for the most part. This is the part that wants to forget everything and just see only him. Then there is this other part that wants to take things slow and go out on a couple of dates and just see what happens. Which is what I’ll most likely do.
January 5, 1993
Well, I finally went back to therapy today. I’m not too sure I liked what I heard. She said the reason T and I enjoyed being around each other more is because, now that I can do whatever I want again, my walls have gone back up. I don’t know if I agree with that or not. It doesn’t feel like all my walls are up again. I feel like it is easier to be real with T now. I enjoy being with him. Sometimes I really wonder about all this psychotherapy stuff. One the one hand, it does help, but, on the other, it gets very confusing when I’m trying to figure something out. Like this thing with T. Up until I went to therapy today, I was really enjoying what was going on, and I still am, but now, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I am enjoying it because my walls are up.
Right now I think it really does not matter. I think T and I deserve to enjoy each other’s company for a while. But I need to remember to ask my therapist about that.
I saw D tonight and took him to a meeting with me. He had just left K’s house and was all freaked out. I feel no pity for him. He brought it all on himself. And R called me tonight to see if I wanted to hang out. That was weird. He was going to meet me at Park 40 but did not because J was bitching about it. I expected as much. I have no idea why he was calling me in the first place. Probably just to get J upset-she fooled around on him a couple of week’s ago.
January 6, 1993
I had to go to the dentist this morning. I had a small cavity. I have to go back and get it filled Tuesday before school starts. I hate going to the dentist. Afterwards, T and I went to breakfast and a meeting. He was upset about me seeing other people, which I have not even done yet. Of course, he really doesn’t have a right to say much about it except that it upsets him. He did say if I was going to be seeing other people to please not be affectionate with him. At first, I thought this was unfair to ask me; to be fake around him, but now I understand. I’m sure it is hard for him considering how he feels about me and, there should be no mixed messages. I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. I keep going back and forth on that, but I suppose I don’t have to figure it all out today.
I wonder what it is about me? Why do the guys I get involved with either love me to death or don’t give a shit at all? And how come I don’t seem to be able to feel anything real or intense for them for more than six months? There must be something about six months because B was telling me she was resenting G and they have been together for six months. And, I wonder why I am so scared of commitment? I know I am only 19, and should not even be worrying about commitment, but, of course, I do.
I noticed tonight I am very critical of people. I need to stop doing that. That will be my goal for tomorrow. I’ll not say anything about anybody unless I can say something nice.
I need to call my mom and talk to her. I haven’t found out what is going on with her lately.
January 10, 1993
School is finally starting again!! Thank god!! I was about to get bored out of my mind. I have to go register tomorrow, buy my books and supplies, and then classes start on Wednesday. It’s going to take a while to get back into the routine-going to bed early, getting up early, doing homework, writing papers, going to class. It shouldn’t take too long.
B may be coming to stay with me for a while. She and G are having some problems. She’s really freaking out about the whole marriage/commitment type stuff. She’s not really sure if she cares about him or not, so she is thinking maybe the best way for her to figure it out is to get away from him for a while. It might work. In my own personal opinion, it is very hard for me to see them staying together because they are both so different. One never knows though. They could turn out to be the couple of the century, but, I seriously doubt it.
T and I are not going to see each other anymore. Things were cool between us for a while after we broke up but then we started bitching again the last couple of times we saw each other. T did not like the idea of me seeing other people. He got really freaked out and paranoid and very irrational. I went right back to feeling all pressured again and I did not like that but, it did really hurt when we finally did decide to stop seeing and talking to each other. This happened on Thursday and Friday. I was really sad and in a lot of pain and cried and talked to B, went to a meeting. Saturday, I slept really late, and when I finally did get up, I was pretty sad. I stayed around the house most of the day and then met N at Java’s at 12am. We went dancing at the Boiler Room. I was not really into it until later.
At first, I was still really sad and bored and trying to be cheery and happy go lucky. I eventually had a good time. At around 5:30am, I was dancing with L, and she introduced me to this guy named AS. I have noticed him at Java’s before, drawing in his little book, and had noticed him noticing me, but never had the ability, or the guts, to meet him before. So L introduced us. I got his number and he got mine around 6am this morning. He called me at 8pm tonight and I met him at Java’s around 930pm. We talked until 1130 and then I took him home. He said he would call me tomorrow when he got off work.
He seems like a pretty nice guy. He is 20 years old and works at Knoxville Graphic Arts as a, guess, graphic design artist. He’s not real manly, but, he is nice looking and so far, is fun to talk to. I’ll go out with him again and see. He’s a lot different from T. Considering the fact T and I do not seem to get along anymore, that could be a good thing.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
Happy Birthday Ella Lee!!!! Ladies & gentlemen, Charity Lee at 19......
January 1, 1993. 12:15am, 1 Year & 1 Week Clean
I decided to stop writing on New Year’s Eve and start again on New Year’s Day. My perspective has changed a lot in the last couple of hours. The really cool thing about this New Year is not what I did or didn’t do or who I was with or any of that stuff. The really cool thing was how I felt. I feel good. And hopeful. And interested. And committed. And amazed. And delighted. And more cautious. And more accepting. And more open to my feelings. And exploratory. And grounded. And productive. I could go on, but I won’t.
B and I went out for 15 minutes tonight and almost everyone we saw was trashed. Except us. Except me. It was such an energizing feeling. For 18 years (well, not quite 18), I’ve wanted to feel as though I had put the right foot forward or turned a new leaf at the start of a new year. I always disappointed myself. But not this year. This year, I can put the right foot forward because I can stand. I can turn a new leaf because I’ve got the motivation to do so. I finally feel like I am on the right track.
I’m doing some things the way they were meant to be done. B and I are really starting to get close. T and I aren’t seeing each other anymore in a romantic way but are going to try and learn to be friends. That feels really good. He came over tonight and it was pretty easy to talk to him. A lot of the pressure is gone. I don’t know if that is going to work out, but I feel like I am finally at a space where I can accept my feelings. I don’t know if I love him, but I do know I need him to talk to. I know when we can be together, without relationship pressures, I really enjoy his company. I know I’ve missed talking to him and hanging out. I’ve missed having fun with him for a long time now. So we’re just going to try to be friends. He can see other people and so can I. We’ll talk on the phone and hang out and do whatever it is friends do. It’s not always going to be easy but it won’t always be hard either. So, I’ll see what happens and take it as it comes. Maybe, if it never works out romantically, we can be friends. Or, we may find out we can’t be friends because of our past. I’ll never know unless action is taken.
Happy New Year Charity!!!!
I decided to stop writing on New Year’s Eve and start again on New Year’s Day. My perspective has changed a lot in the last couple of hours. The really cool thing about this New Year is not what I did or didn’t do or who I was with or any of that stuff. The really cool thing was how I felt. I feel good. And hopeful. And interested. And committed. And amazed. And delighted. And more cautious. And more accepting. And more open to my feelings. And exploratory. And grounded. And productive. I could go on, but I won’t.
B and I went out for 15 minutes tonight and almost everyone we saw was trashed. Except us. Except me. It was such an energizing feeling. For 18 years (well, not quite 18), I’ve wanted to feel as though I had put the right foot forward or turned a new leaf at the start of a new year. I always disappointed myself. But not this year. This year, I can put the right foot forward because I can stand. I can turn a new leaf because I’ve got the motivation to do so. I finally feel like I am on the right track.
I’m doing some things the way they were meant to be done. B and I are really starting to get close. T and I aren’t seeing each other anymore in a romantic way but are going to try and learn to be friends. That feels really good. He came over tonight and it was pretty easy to talk to him. A lot of the pressure is gone. I don’t know if that is going to work out, but I feel like I am finally at a space where I can accept my feelings. I don’t know if I love him, but I do know I need him to talk to. I know when we can be together, without relationship pressures, I really enjoy his company. I know I’ve missed talking to him and hanging out. I’ve missed having fun with him for a long time now. So we’re just going to try to be friends. He can see other people and so can I. We’ll talk on the phone and hang out and do whatever it is friends do. It’s not always going to be easy but it won’t always be hard either. So, I’ll see what happens and take it as it comes. Maybe, if it never works out romantically, we can be friends. Or, we may find out we can’t be friends because of our past. I’ll never know unless action is taken.
Happy New Year Charity!!!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Here I go....letting go....
April 11, 2010
Hello my friends and loved ones:
Tomorrow, my Ella would have been 8 years old. I will be celebrating as best I can, hopefully with many of you by my side, if not in person, in spirit.
Eight years ago tonight, I was in labor with my last child, and I was looking forward to holding my daughter in my arms. It was so worth the wait, and it is something I am, again, looking forward to.
Tonight, I feel as though I am about to give birth, in a literal way, to another labor of love.
Tomorrow, I am going to begin to share with anyone who is willing to read, the story of how I came to fall in love with my children and become the woman most of you know me as now.
I have edited nothing out of these entries other than first names. These are my thoughts, as I wrote them, at that moment in time. In some ways, you will find the Charity you have always known in these pages. I did and am so happy to have recognized myself again. In some ways, you will not recognize me at all. Trust me, there are times I have made myself cringe and want to throw my story at the wall. I just have to laugh at myself. Feel free to yourself.
I may or may not have much to say comment wise as this goes on. I feel letting all this go is pretty heavy commentary on my part and, honestly, I am scared to let it all go in the first place, much less debate my experiences with someone mean spirited. So none of that, if you read, please.
Lives are not lived to be forgotten, especially one I went to such great lengths to document, and fear is such a minor blip on my radar now, I have decided to follow Ella’s advice and run naked across the football field and see just what may transpire.
This is not the story many of you think you want to hear. This is the story of how we got there and where I learned everything I needed to still be able to sit here and write this.
Have a great night and I’ll see some of you tomorrow at Ella’s birthday dinner.
Love people. Love.
Hello my friends and loved ones:
Tomorrow, my Ella would have been 8 years old. I will be celebrating as best I can, hopefully with many of you by my side, if not in person, in spirit.
Eight years ago tonight, I was in labor with my last child, and I was looking forward to holding my daughter in my arms. It was so worth the wait, and it is something I am, again, looking forward to.
Tonight, I feel as though I am about to give birth, in a literal way, to another labor of love.
Tomorrow, I am going to begin to share with anyone who is willing to read, the story of how I came to fall in love with my children and become the woman most of you know me as now.
I have edited nothing out of these entries other than first names. These are my thoughts, as I wrote them, at that moment in time. In some ways, you will find the Charity you have always known in these pages. I did and am so happy to have recognized myself again. In some ways, you will not recognize me at all. Trust me, there are times I have made myself cringe and want to throw my story at the wall. I just have to laugh at myself. Feel free to yourself.
I may or may not have much to say comment wise as this goes on. I feel letting all this go is pretty heavy commentary on my part and, honestly, I am scared to let it all go in the first place, much less debate my experiences with someone mean spirited. So none of that, if you read, please.
Lives are not lived to be forgotten, especially one I went to such great lengths to document, and fear is such a minor blip on my radar now, I have decided to follow Ella’s advice and run naked across the football field and see just what may transpire.
This is not the story many of you think you want to hear. This is the story of how we got there and where I learned everything I needed to still be able to sit here and write this.
Have a great night and I’ll see some of you tomorrow at Ella’s birthday dinner.
Love people. Love.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Let's relax for the weekend.....
Since today is Friday and everyone wants to relax, and Monday is Ella’s birthday and that is the perfect day to start the beginning of what is, partially, her story, I have decided to postpone introducing you to the 19 year old me until April 12th.
Everyone have a great weekend and I am going to bug all of you to keep reading and to help me spread this site around.
Love, hugs, and everyone stay safe this weekend.
Everyone have a great weekend and I am going to bug all of you to keep reading and to help me spread this site around.
Love, hugs, and everyone stay safe this weekend.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Let's Take It Up a Notch, Shall We?
So I saw this video today in which Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, she of the teen motherhood, basically transmitted the message that if you have money, fame, and support, and don't forget good looks, it makes all the difference in the world if you happen to find yourself pregnant when you are still a child yourself. If you don't meet these criteria, life isn't "pretty". And let me just say here, her idea of what is not pretty is a palace compared to some of the places I have seen children living in.
For some reason I can not get the link to show as a link...copy and paste, watch it, and then get back to me.
http://www.eonline.com/videos/v52107_bristol-palins-new-psa.html
You know what I have to say to this.....BULLSHIT.
While money does make certain aspects of being a teen mother easier, it by no means insures an easy motherhood, childhood, or promises you a happy ending. There is also no doubt poverty, lack of education and opportunity bring their own hardships to the already daunting task of raising another human being and yourself at the same time.
No matter how you look at it, no matter your class or your race, loving and raising a child is one of the most daunting and gratifying tasks for those of us who have chosen-by chance or choice-to do, will ever face.
My intention in beginning Butterfly Flits was to create a dialogue, amongst my friends, about the issues of the day. For some reason this video really pissed me off and I decided it is probably time for me to begin to tell my story.
I am really tired of people thinking the key to success in life is money. I am tired of people believing they can not live through both their dreams and their nightmares. I am tired of the myth there are only certain paths to love, happiness, and fulfillment.
I am tired of people thinking children are a burden. They are a gift. I would know.
This so called PSA really flared my temper and raised my hackles high for some reason. I have been trying for a year now to figure out the best way to share the story I have to share and this stupid video sealed it all up for me.
From this point out Butterfly Flits is dedicated to introducing you to a family-my family. Most of you, at this point, already know the basics concerning the last three years of my life. I am not here to rehash all that.
I am now 36 years old. Since the age of 19, my life has been about two things: my son and, 8 years later, my daughter. I am a damn good mother the majority of the time, but, I made a lot of mistakes. I have lost them both. Don't be too quick to link the two former thoughts. They do not necessarily walk hand in hand at all times.
I have lived the last three years without my children in my arms and writing has been my only way to hold onto my mind and my love. I began to keep journals around the age of 8; one year after my father was murdered. I will not bore you with them because, for me, the story does not truly begin until I found out I was pregnant with my son, in 1993. Everything I lived through before this was just the dress rehearsal to make sure I would not forget my role, or my lines, in the upcoming life and death show.
I am going to expose myself to all of you in the hope that someone, somewhere, maybe one of you, maybe someone you share this blog with, will read our story, and know, feel, and continue to have faith in the fact there is always love and hope in this world. It is all around us at all times if we want to see it. It is hard at times I know. Believe me, it is there.
My kids taught me that. My kids have taught me everything.
My kids used to play this game with me. My daughter would look at me and say, "Charity, if I ran across a football field naked in the middle of a game, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course I would still love you. I would run after you and wrap a blanket around you but I would still love you." Then my son would say, "Mom, if I robbed a bank, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course, I would still love you. I would be disappointed in your choices and sad to lose you, but I would still love you."
The cliche you always hear about hind sight being 20/20.....well, it is not a cliche. It is true.
No matter where my child had to run to or what my child has done, I will always keep my word to them both, always love them both, and, now, hopefully, pass along all the important things I never would have learned without them, always, both.
Tomorrow I'll begin to introduce you to 19 year old Charity Lee and the beginning of......well, who knows that yet, right?
I may not be commenting much on here due to the fact I can't argue with my own words. They are where I was at at that moment in time. As always, please do have a discussion amongst yourselves. In today's world it is imposible to hide someone's identity but I will reveal none but mine, and, as time goes on, my children's. People will find out soon enough anyway.
Breathe. Here I go.
For some reason I can not get the link to show as a link...copy and paste, watch it, and then get back to me.
http://www.eonline.com/videos/v52107_bristol-palins-new-psa.html
You know what I have to say to this.....BULLSHIT.
While money does make certain aspects of being a teen mother easier, it by no means insures an easy motherhood, childhood, or promises you a happy ending. There is also no doubt poverty, lack of education and opportunity bring their own hardships to the already daunting task of raising another human being and yourself at the same time.
No matter how you look at it, no matter your class or your race, loving and raising a child is one of the most daunting and gratifying tasks for those of us who have chosen-by chance or choice-to do, will ever face.
My intention in beginning Butterfly Flits was to create a dialogue, amongst my friends, about the issues of the day. For some reason this video really pissed me off and I decided it is probably time for me to begin to tell my story.
I am really tired of people thinking the key to success in life is money. I am tired of people believing they can not live through both their dreams and their nightmares. I am tired of the myth there are only certain paths to love, happiness, and fulfillment.
I am tired of people thinking children are a burden. They are a gift. I would know.
This so called PSA really flared my temper and raised my hackles high for some reason. I have been trying for a year now to figure out the best way to share the story I have to share and this stupid video sealed it all up for me.
From this point out Butterfly Flits is dedicated to introducing you to a family-my family. Most of you, at this point, already know the basics concerning the last three years of my life. I am not here to rehash all that.
I am now 36 years old. Since the age of 19, my life has been about two things: my son and, 8 years later, my daughter. I am a damn good mother the majority of the time, but, I made a lot of mistakes. I have lost them both. Don't be too quick to link the two former thoughts. They do not necessarily walk hand in hand at all times.
I have lived the last three years without my children in my arms and writing has been my only way to hold onto my mind and my love. I began to keep journals around the age of 8; one year after my father was murdered. I will not bore you with them because, for me, the story does not truly begin until I found out I was pregnant with my son, in 1993. Everything I lived through before this was just the dress rehearsal to make sure I would not forget my role, or my lines, in the upcoming life and death show.
I am going to expose myself to all of you in the hope that someone, somewhere, maybe one of you, maybe someone you share this blog with, will read our story, and know, feel, and continue to have faith in the fact there is always love and hope in this world. It is all around us at all times if we want to see it. It is hard at times I know. Believe me, it is there.
My kids taught me that. My kids have taught me everything.
My kids used to play this game with me. My daughter would look at me and say, "Charity, if I ran across a football field naked in the middle of a game, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course I would still love you. I would run after you and wrap a blanket around you but I would still love you." Then my son would say, "Mom, if I robbed a bank, would you still love me?" I would always say, "Of course, I would still love you. I would be disappointed in your choices and sad to lose you, but I would still love you."
The cliche you always hear about hind sight being 20/20.....well, it is not a cliche. It is true.
No matter where my child had to run to or what my child has done, I will always keep my word to them both, always love them both, and, now, hopefully, pass along all the important things I never would have learned without them, always, both.
Tomorrow I'll begin to introduce you to 19 year old Charity Lee and the beginning of......well, who knows that yet, right?
I may not be commenting much on here due to the fact I can't argue with my own words. They are where I was at at that moment in time. As always, please do have a discussion amongst yourselves. In today's world it is imposible to hide someone's identity but I will reveal none but mine, and, as time goes on, my children's. People will find out soon enough anyway.
Breathe. Here I go.
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