July 19, 1993
I was out of town again for the entire weekend. I have not been in town any weekend in July so far. This time I went to Destin. My mom brought Kristy and Austin with her. It was okay, at first, but, as the weekend went on, it got old. I just really can’t stand the way Kristy is with Austin. I’m not particularly fond of Austin either. He has no manners whatsoever. It is very hard to enjoy a meal when his mouth is wide open and he has food in it. He just wasn’t brought up that way.
I ate dinner with Christi tonight and she told me Christy W. is drinking again. I thought she would start back one day.
July 20, 1993
I stopped writing yesterday because I was tired. So I’ll start again now.
Like I left off with, Christy W. is drinking again. I was told today this has been going on since April. It really does not surprise me at all. It comes as no shock.
Tomorrow is Beth’s 23rd birthday. I met her at Java tonight and gave her a present. We did not get a chance to talk much because Donovan sat down with us. I really just don’t have much to say to him. He seems so wrapped up in appearance that he seems to have forgotten about substance. That gets old. Fast. We all wear masks but it is bad to start thinking the mask is who you are deep down.
I feel kind of restless in the Old City. I really don’t enjoy hanging out down there anymore. I’m over that whole scene. I want more than that. I think some of it has to do with my physical state also. I get pretty uncomfortable here lately. And talk about hot! god, I feel fried at times.
My mom called me tonight and told me Mamasam tried to give my dad’s wedding ring to Reagan to give to Lucio because he does not have one. I know she has lost her mind now. So I am supposed to call Papa tomorrow and tell him I would like to have it. Can you imagine what was possibly running through Mamasam’s head? I wonder if she even remembered who it belonged to? I would be really upset if Reagan had taken and given that ring to Lucio. Maybe I’ll hold onto it and give it to whomever I marry. Or maybe, I’ll hang onto it for Paris to use when he gets married.
Well, it is time to go to bed. Write again in a couple of days.
July 24, 1993
I would have written earlier but I had a paper due on Thursday that took up most of my time. So I wrote my paper on Wednesday and kept Jessica for Christi. She went out dancing. I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon.
Beth and I hung out most of the day Friday and I enjoyed myself most of the time. She did one thing on our way home that really turned me off to her company. She urinated in an alley in downtown Knoxville. It was quite gross. I dropped her off in the Old City because she saw this guy named Benny that she is kind of seeing.
It must be in my cards to be single right now. Beth meets guys right and left and I haven’t met one since Andrew left. Of course I am pregnant. It is really no big deal right now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Tom called me on Wednesday to ask me not to go to Sequoyah meetings anymore. I told him no. He proceeded to be a total asshole to me. What’s new? At any rate, he really hurt my feelings. I cried really hard for awhile; then built myself back up. I really do think Tom has some serious emotional problems and I just want him to stay away from me. If he calls again, I’m going to hang up. If I see him, I’ll ignore him. I know, in the past, I did things to instigate some of Tom’s outbursts, but this time, it was pure attack. It was very uncalled for. Between Tom and Andrew, I am convinced I need to get to know people better before I become involved with them.
Paris is as active as ever. Today is his twenty-six week birthday. He’s moving around right now. He has patterns. He usually moves around lunchtime and late at night, like 11 or 12. Then again, in the morning around 8 or 9. It’s the most wonderful feeling and it is so strange to look in a mirror and realize that my son is inside my body. Imagine! A tiny human body and spirit is inside me!! It is truly amazing to experience. I am so looking forward to seeing him for the first time. Well, I guess it won’t be the first time because of the two ultrasounds, but that is not the same thing.
Imagine what it will be like to hold him for the first time!! Not much longer now!!
July 26, 1993
Not much has happened but I still feel the need to write. I went to a women’s meeting tonight at the Flat Iron. I enjoyed it, for the most part. There were a couple of women there who were having problems with their children and it is good to know I might not have as rough a time. One lady had only 45 days clean and is going to go to treatment. She has a 10 year old boy. At least, if I stay sober, I won’t subject Paris to those kinds of things. He doesn’t ever have to see his mama in that way.
This whole thing about moving to Atlanta is starting to get to me. I really dislike not knowing what I am going to do. I know the decision does not need to be made for awhile but I like everything to be taken care of immediately. I believe, if I really think about it, I know I am going back to Atlanta but I am scared. All my friends are in Knoxville, school is here, I got sober here. I guess I just feel safe here, which is a good reason to stay. But, on the other hand, my family is in Atlanta. I know I can go to school in Atlanta and I know I have it in me to make new friends. I just don’t know if I want Paris to grow up in Knoxville TN. If I go to Atlanta, my mom can help me with Paris and I can work for Mr. Harp some so I would feel like I was doing something for my money.
I know the thing to do is just be patient and wait and see how things go after Paris is born. That is really my only option right now.
July 31, 1993
Today is the last day of July and that means my due date is that much closer. Time goes by so fast. My baby shower is next weekend. It all just kind of slips up on me. I’m already at 27 weeks and starting on my bi-monthly doctor visits. My mom came up yesterday and went to the doctor with me again. I had to do a glucose screening, which was fine, and get a shot because I have A- type blood. Then I did another ultrasound and Paris is definitely a Paris! I’m very happy to hear that!! My mom and I went on a tour of the hospital and it made all this seem very much more real. I am actually having a baby. I’m scared to death but I can’t wait! There was a little newborn in the nursery and they are so small and precious. Paris is going to be such a gift to me. Quite a handful, but a gift nonetheless. Mr. Harp sent up a huge baby shower present. I am dying to open it but I am supposed to wait until later so I am going to try and wait.
I was talking to my mom about Andrew today and he still has not signed my paper. My lawyer seems to think if he still has not signed after the baby is born, the best thing to do is threaten him with child support payments unless he signs the parental release form. That would probably work but what if that backfired on me? I do not want to go through all of that and I certainly don’t want to put Paris through it either. This is another situation that calls for patience, just like moving. Wait and see tactics. I really get tired of waiting but, sometimes, I have no alternative in this matter.
Beth is okay I believe. She’s seeing someone else already. His name is Benny and, of course, she has already slept with him without birth control. Even though it sounds hypocritical, that really gets under my skin. Beth has had six abortions. That is wrong. She should know better by now. If she gets pregnant again, I do not know if I could stand by her because she knows better. She should know from talking to me that it is not all fun and games. But I should just wait and see what happens. Or hope that nothing does.
Gerald has been going around town talking to everybody about Beth. I must say, I think Tom and he are up there together on levels on insanity. I feel sorry for both of them.
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