Isn't it grand how the past always has a way of catching up to you?! Love to all of you!!

June 26, 1993

I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.

It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.

It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.

I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.

One day.






June 27, 1993

Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.

I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.

I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.








June 30, 1993

I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.

I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.

I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.

But, of course, I will make it. I always do.