Here I go....letting go....

April 11, 2010

Hello my friends and loved ones:

Tomorrow, my Ella would have been 8 years old. I will be celebrating as best I can, hopefully with many of you by my side, if not in person, in spirit.

Eight years ago tonight, I was in labor with my last child, and I was looking forward to holding my daughter in my arms. It was so worth the wait, and it is something I am, again, looking forward to.

Tonight, I feel as though I am about to give birth, in a literal way, to another labor of love.

Tomorrow, I am going to begin to share with anyone who is willing to read, the story of how I came to fall in love with my children and become the woman most of you know me as now.

I have edited nothing out of these entries other than first names. These are my thoughts, as I wrote them, at that moment in time. In some ways, you will find the Charity you have always known in these pages. I did and am so happy to have recognized myself again. In some ways, you will not recognize me at all. Trust me, there are times I have made myself cringe and want to throw my story at the wall. I just have to laugh at myself. Feel free to yourself.

I may or may not have much to say comment wise as this goes on. I feel letting all this go is pretty heavy commentary on my part and, honestly, I am scared to let it all go in the first place, much less debate my experiences with someone mean spirited. So none of that, if you read, please.

Lives are not lived to be forgotten, especially one I went to such great lengths to document, and fear is such a minor blip on my radar now, I have decided to follow Ella’s advice and run naked across the football field and see just what may transpire.

This is not the story many of you think you want to hear. This is the story of how we got there and where I learned everything I needed to still be able to sit here and write this.

Have a great night and I’ll see some of you tomorrow at Ella’s birthday dinner.

Love people. Love.