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Charity
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
October 1993...the month I gave birth to the child born to save and then destroy my life...
October 2, 1993
My mom came up on Friday, spent the night, and left today. I have been feeling lonely most of the evening. It is not a pleasant feeling and one that I can do nothing about at the time. So all I know to do is just acknowledge I feel lonely and go on.
I expect I will be going through some pretty difficult and strange spaces in the next month waiting for Paris to arrive. Having one’s first child is a major change. Having one’s first child alone is quite scary. Now it is October; it isn’t that far away. Papa’s birthday is in 17 days, mine is in 24, and Paris is due in 28. I can’t believe it is finally here. I wish the birth process would hurry up and begin. My ankles swelled up so bad today it hurt to even bend them. Clothes are almost out of the question; almost nothing fits. I am going to break down and go look at maternity clothes on Monday. Sleep is sketchy because I have to get up pee so much during the night. Let me assure you, it will be a long, long time before I have another baby. If I were to feel like having sex without birth control, all I need to do is remember how I felt at nine months pregnant. Today is my 36 week mark.
Still thinking about Tom a lot but have not done anything about it. I have been trying to decide if I am going to call him Monday or just wait and see if he will call me. I think I will try not to call him and let the ball be in his court. It is going to be difficult to work this one out. What a sticky situation it is. But I know taking it slow will work out for the best because it will give me time to figure out what I feel and what my motives are. This situation does not need to be the main focus of my life right now, although I’m not sure what the main focus should be. Maybe I should just relax and try to take it easy.
October 6, 1993
I went to the doctor yesterday and had my first internal exam. I am already dilated one centimeter and 80% of the mucus covering my cervix is gone. Dr. E. thinks I might go into labor before my due date. That would be wonderful!!!!
Ever since I left there yesterday I have been bleeding and cramping. I called today and was told that if it hadn’t stopped by tomorrow to call back. I think the bleeding has stopped and the cramping comes and goes. My mom is coming up next Tuesday to go to the doctor with me and I might go ahead and induce labor. I don’t know though. I’m still thinking about that one. I’ve started to make a list of pros and cons. So far, my pro list is longer.
Tom and I are not speaking again although this time it wasn’t because of an argument. I think Tia had something to do with manipulating the situation but I do not know that for certain. Somebody lied to Tom and said I had stated in a meeting I was getting back together with someone from my past, which he assumed was him. I never said anything even similar to that. So he called to tell me, very pointedly, that we were not getting back together, could not hang out together, could not even really speak to one another; at most, all we could really do was say hi to one another at a meeting. He said he was not going to jeopardize his relationship with Tia. I thought both he and Tia were secure in their relationship. That is the impression she gave me. If it is so secure, why would Tom and I being friends jeopardize what they have? I think I’ll ask that question when I get a chance to.
I’m not quite sure how I feel about this whole thing yet. It only happened yesterday. It has not quite cleared yet. I know part of me is ticked off. I make enough mistakes on my own. I don’t like people making things up about me. I know what is true, and what isn’t, but I still care, to some degree, what others think. It also bothers me because I think Tom and I could have reached some common ground this time and somebody helped to fuck that up. Fate seems to be against us. I have decided to sit back and see what happens. I’d like to tell Tia exactly what I think of her and her actions, but I do not know for sure it was her. Besides, if it was her, karma always works. Relationships based on lies do not work. I know that for a fact. As far as Tom is concerned, I don’t know. I feel I was honest and did nothing wrong that would, in any way, damage his thing with Tia. I would like to be able to get along with him but the ball is in his court. I am going to continue to sort out my feelings about it and go on with my life. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for him to open his eyes.
Even though things are the way they are, I feel I have taken a big step in the right direction. I’ve been honest; I’ve been real. I haven’t shut off and I think I handled myself well. It feels good to know I am making progress with all that.
My mom came up on Friday, spent the night, and left today. I have been feeling lonely most of the evening. It is not a pleasant feeling and one that I can do nothing about at the time. So all I know to do is just acknowledge I feel lonely and go on.
I expect I will be going through some pretty difficult and strange spaces in the next month waiting for Paris to arrive. Having one’s first child is a major change. Having one’s first child alone is quite scary. Now it is October; it isn’t that far away. Papa’s birthday is in 17 days, mine is in 24, and Paris is due in 28. I can’t believe it is finally here. I wish the birth process would hurry up and begin. My ankles swelled up so bad today it hurt to even bend them. Clothes are almost out of the question; almost nothing fits. I am going to break down and go look at maternity clothes on Monday. Sleep is sketchy because I have to get up pee so much during the night. Let me assure you, it will be a long, long time before I have another baby. If I were to feel like having sex without birth control, all I need to do is remember how I felt at nine months pregnant. Today is my 36 week mark.
Still thinking about Tom a lot but have not done anything about it. I have been trying to decide if I am going to call him Monday or just wait and see if he will call me. I think I will try not to call him and let the ball be in his court. It is going to be difficult to work this one out. What a sticky situation it is. But I know taking it slow will work out for the best because it will give me time to figure out what I feel and what my motives are. This situation does not need to be the main focus of my life right now, although I’m not sure what the main focus should be. Maybe I should just relax and try to take it easy.
October 6, 1993
I went to the doctor yesterday and had my first internal exam. I am already dilated one centimeter and 80% of the mucus covering my cervix is gone. Dr. E. thinks I might go into labor before my due date. That would be wonderful!!!!
Ever since I left there yesterday I have been bleeding and cramping. I called today and was told that if it hadn’t stopped by tomorrow to call back. I think the bleeding has stopped and the cramping comes and goes. My mom is coming up next Tuesday to go to the doctor with me and I might go ahead and induce labor. I don’t know though. I’m still thinking about that one. I’ve started to make a list of pros and cons. So far, my pro list is longer.
Tom and I are not speaking again although this time it wasn’t because of an argument. I think Tia had something to do with manipulating the situation but I do not know that for certain. Somebody lied to Tom and said I had stated in a meeting I was getting back together with someone from my past, which he assumed was him. I never said anything even similar to that. So he called to tell me, very pointedly, that we were not getting back together, could not hang out together, could not even really speak to one another; at most, all we could really do was say hi to one another at a meeting. He said he was not going to jeopardize his relationship with Tia. I thought both he and Tia were secure in their relationship. That is the impression she gave me. If it is so secure, why would Tom and I being friends jeopardize what they have? I think I’ll ask that question when I get a chance to.
I’m not quite sure how I feel about this whole thing yet. It only happened yesterday. It has not quite cleared yet. I know part of me is ticked off. I make enough mistakes on my own. I don’t like people making things up about me. I know what is true, and what isn’t, but I still care, to some degree, what others think. It also bothers me because I think Tom and I could have reached some common ground this time and somebody helped to fuck that up. Fate seems to be against us. I have decided to sit back and see what happens. I’d like to tell Tia exactly what I think of her and her actions, but I do not know for sure it was her. Besides, if it was her, karma always works. Relationships based on lies do not work. I know that for a fact. As far as Tom is concerned, I don’t know. I feel I was honest and did nothing wrong that would, in any way, damage his thing with Tia. I would like to be able to get along with him but the ball is in his court. I am going to continue to sort out my feelings about it and go on with my life. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for him to open his eyes.
Even though things are the way they are, I feel I have taken a big step in the right direction. I’ve been honest; I’ve been real. I haven’t shut off and I think I handled myself well. It feels good to know I am making progress with all that.
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