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Thursday, April 22, 2010
And the story unfolds even more...that is the beauty of life you know.
June 16, 1993
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
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