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September 1994...same old bullshit

September 1

I am all confused about what I want out of men. When it comes to Tom, I enjoy the emotional benefits but not romantic involvement. With Travis, it was almost the opposite. I have a feeling I am too selfish to care about somebody just for the sake of caring about them. So for the time being, I will just wait and see what happens. I think I am too scared to go out with Tom again. I don’t know that I would survive it.





September 6

It appears as though I am pretty much on my own again emotionally. Beth and I are going our separate ways. I am single for good. Julie and Christi both have children too so they are in similar boats as I am. Needless to say, I am scared of the time ahead. I know how hard it can be to not have emotional support so it is important I start living a bit more healthy. I have got to start going to meetings again. It is crazy of me to think I can get by without them on a more regular basis.





September 7

Christi came over for dinner tonight and it was good to see her again. It has been a really long time. Julie is going to have her baby tomorrow. They are going to induce her. I can’t imagine starting all over again. I don’t know that I would have the energy. I am going to call her before she goes in tomorrow morning and try to go see her tomorrow night if she feels up to it. I am feeling better emotionally today. I feel a bit more sane than I have been lately. It feels good.




September 13

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I finally found a painter so that is a big relief. Paris is doing well. He will be one soon. I need to start planning his party soon. It is still hard to believe it has been this long.

My emotional thing seems to have leveled out for now. Thank god. For awhile there, things were very difficult. I am still not sure what I want to do for a living but I will finish school anyway.

Julie had her baby. She had a little girl and named her Caitlin. She is a cute baby. I thought she would be.





September 14

I had to leave school early today because Paris had a fever. I took him to the doctor and he has an upper respiratory infection caused by a virus. They gave him some medicine and he came home and crashed.

I was in a really bad mood today for some reason. I do not enjoy going to school at all and what sucks is that I have such a long time left. I still think I should finish but I am not sure I want to do hair.

I cut all my credit cards up today. I have been spending way too much money lately. It is time to put a stop to it.




September 15

Paris seemed to feel much better today. His fever is gone but his nose is still a little runny. It is about 9:15 now and he is laying in bed talking to himself. Hopefully he will go on to bed without throwing a fit. I doubt it but we will see.

I had a pretty good day today. I had to go to the dentist and Paris had to go to the ear doctor for his post-op check up. His ears are fine. I talked to Sean and his roommate Casey. HE came over to get an advance on his painting; he starts Monday. When I was taking Paris on his walk, I ran into some friends from AA down the street. My attitude is a little better (at least for today) about school. I am still not sure I want to do hair but we will see. I am thinking about going down to the UT Career Planning place and taking a test and see what it says about where my interests lies because I really do not know at this point in my life. All I know is that I cannot live off my mom forever.

Paris is just talking up a storm right now.




September 17

I had a pretty good day today. School went all right and they let us go home an hour early. I got stuck in traffic because of the football game. I met some friends for dinner and strolled Paris around the Old City for awhile. Afterwards, we came home and played for about an hour. We had a lot of fun on the bed. After he went to bed, I cleaned the apartment like crazy. It looks a lot better now. Painting begins on the 19th.

I am starting to enjoy being single. It is kind of nice to get a routine down. Paris goes to sleep and I spend a couple of hours doing my thing and I go to bed early. It isn’t all that bad. I still miss companionship but, all in all, it isn’t as bad as I always imagined. I am starting to feel kind of like I did when I was pregnant. So far, that has had to have been one of the best periods of my life.




September 22

My mom came into town today and we took Paris shopping in Pigeon Forge. We got some cute clothes and his first pair of Chuck Taylor’s, black of course. Paris went home with my mom so his bedroom can get painted.

Andrew is in town because we have to go to court on Monday. He got here yesterday afternoon, called today, and I have not heard from him or seen him since. Considering he has been here over 24 hours, he obviously is not that interested in seeing Paris. Some people never change. It is too bad if he calls now with Paris not even being here.

It has been really hard to be into school lately. I hate going and I hate being there but for some reason I will not quit. I think I just have to stick it out for my own peace of mind. Or maybe it should be peace of soul.




September 26

A lot happened this weekend. Andrew was in town and did not call. I saw him at court today. I found out that Julie sold pot to Jessica’s dad while she was pregnant. Beth married Gerald. And me, I just went to Louisville, KY and danced.

Andrew came into town on Wednesday. That was five days ago. I did not see him until today. Court went well. I now get $509/month in child support and $91/month in arrears for 43 months. Andrew gets limited visitation and must give four weeks notice before coming. This is in effect for two years. 

Aug 1994 -- One thing I have noticed about myself is I make a lot of mistakes but I never seem to give up trying.

 August 5

Things have been difficult for me lately. I am getting tired and it is not helping my emotional stability at all. It is getting hard to maintain a positive attitude about school and, a lot of time, just to get myself there. I don’t feel like I get to see Paris all that much, or, on the flip side, that I don’t have any time for myself, ever. I have been to one meeting in a month. I don’t seem to have any real close friends left. Beth and I talk about once a week. Christi and I never talk, Tom and I are still learning to be friends, Julie and I are still building trust, etc.

I think what I need to do is just get back to the basics.

Keep my ego in check.
Write in my journal.
Go to bed early.
One meeting a week at least.
Do something for myself once a week.




August 13

I am not very happy today. I did not make it to school because Julie went to the hospital last night and I stayed with her until 3am. She did not deliver but it brought back a lot of memories for me. Seeing Donavan there with Julie made me sad because I still wish I had someone with me when I gave birth to Paris.

Missing school again really got me down on myself. It makes me wonder if I have what it takes to make it through all this. Sometimes I wish I could just get married, work in some coffee shop part-time, and have two or three more kids. I guess I still really don’t have any idea what I want to do with myself. I have been sober almost three years. I am a mother and I will be 21 soon yet I still feel lost.

Will I ever find what I am looking for?




August 15

Paris had tubes put in his ears today so, hopefully, it will help him out. He was not a happy camper right after surgery but he was fine by this afternoon. He also got his first pair of shoes today. He looks so cute in them. He is getting so big so fast. This has a lot to do with what has been on my mind lately.

I want to spend more time with Paris. I am not sure that I want to work at Salon Visage anymore because of the hours required to keep your job. I do not really like the lifestyle of most of the people in the field and I think I would like to lead a more simple life.

I don’t know that I would be happy working in a coffee shop or bookstore somewhere raising Paris but, on the other hand, I don’t want to depend on my mother forever. I would like to support myself one day. So see, I am all confused as to what I want to do. I guess time will tell.




August 16

I am still not sure what I want to do with myself. I talked to Adam at school and he wants me to finish. Then I went to JFG and they most likely would have a job for me if I want it. I just do not know what I want.

I think the best thing for me to do is to finish school and then just take it from there. If I don’t want to do hair then I do not have to, but I hate to waste all that time if I don’t even want to do hair.




August 22

I am no longer seeing Travis. Somewhere along the line our personalities stopped working together. We were starting to pick at each other a lot and getting into a lot of arguments. My biggest concern is about us having to work together in the future. At any rate, I am going to try to stay single for awhile and get myself a little more surefooted as to what I want to do with myself.

Tom told me the other day that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. In all honesty, I have not gotten over him at all yet and I do not really know I if I ever will. But I do know I should not do anything to push the issue. I am just going to keep being his friend and see what happens.

As far as what I want to do with myself, I still really do not know. I take Thursdays off from school now to hang with Paris. I have been having the urge to go back to college and to work part-time. I am still confused about what direction to go in. So for now, I will just keep going to school I guess.

I seem to be going through an unusually unhappy time right now. I am so indecisive about what to do with myself. This has been going on for weeks now and I cannot make any decision. This is so unlike me.




August 28

I have decided to stay in beauty school. I really love what I do so I can finish it out. It is nice to have finally reached a decision.

I have got to let Tom know I think it best we not be around one another anymore. We got into an argument 2 or 3 days ago and it made me realize nothing has changed between us. We still do not know how to get along for extended periods of time. I could do with NOT having all that craziness in my life again. I wish there was a way for both of us to just forget our romantic involvement and be friends but I don’t see it happening.

Travis and I worked out our differences a couple of days ago. He called tonight to talk and told me he wanted to go to a going away party and was most likely going to get wasted. I got upset. Not because he was going to drink but because I can’t. Sometimes I get so angry that I have to avoid parties friends are at just because there is going to be drinking. I got upset about a couple of things Travis said. He said he never partied with his friends anymore. That is not true. Allman Brothers, Seth’s party, etc., etc., etc. I don’t get to party with my friends. It upset me Travis could not go with me and just have a couple of drinks and quit instead of planning on getting plastered. And he said he just wanted to loosen up. Can he not do that without drinking?

Anyway, this could turn into a big issue in the long run because the idea of being involved with someone who uses scares me. Tonight was enough to get me feeling sorry for myself because I cannot drink and participate in these things (which I know is ridiculous) but thinking that way felt very scary. You know what is said: Poor me, poor me, poor me, pour me another drink. No way! That is not for me!

I am feeling I don’t have any close friends left. Beth is moving to Chattanooga at the beginning of the year and right now, in Knoxville, is in her own world. Christi and I hardly ever speak anymore and, even if Julie and I were close, she is getting ready to have a baby. It sucks. I feel very lonely these days, very left out emotionally.




August 28

Had a turbulent day today. I think I am going to set a goal for myself to try to lead a boring life. I got into arguments with Tom and Travis and spent most of my day alone with Paris.

I really need to get my life in better shape or, better yet, I need to get my emotional life in better shape. I really need to start getting to meetings more regularly because things are starting to get chaotic and I have been thinking a lot about drinking. I don’t think I will do it but it is a good indication that something is wrong with my emotional balance.




August 30

Made some adjustments in my life again. I didn’t see Travis all weekend because after he went to that party he went to Atlanta alone and partied. This, of course, got me very upset. Anyway, he came over last night and we talked about it. Some of the reasons he gave about why he drinks made me uncomfortable. I stopped seeing him. I think this is for the best.

I apologized to Tom for what I said in our argument. It made me feel better for doing so. We are going to try to be friends. 

July 1994--In which Charity commits an infidelity for the first times.. in her life...20 is so stupid at times

July 1

Heath left for London two days ago. I miss him-a lot. He called yesterday but I had just left to have my hair done. Christi talked to him. I feel lonely since he has gone. I was going to hang out with Christi tonight but I decided to come home instead. I stopped by Park 40 on the way home.




July 2

I go on the floor Tuesday. I am pretty nervous about it. I hope I do not totally screw up somebody’s hair.

I really started to miss Heath tonight. He left a message on my machine today and said he missed me. He will be gone another week and a half.




July 4

Tom called last night and wanted to come see Paris and me. I said okay, but when I told Heath about it today, he asked that I please not do anything until he got back. So I told Tom; he got upset and said Heath was being controlling. That upset me so I explained to Tom that Heath was uncomfortable with it, and that I wanted to respect his feelings because, so far, I enjoy my thing with Heath. I am not going to risk it for Tom’s sake. He was still upset.

It only took that one conversation for me to realize I could not be with Tom again. I could be wrong but it is seemed things were not going his way, so he got upset. Whether I am right or not, I know I was upset after a ten minute phone conversation.

It is not worth all that.




July 5

Today was my first day on the floor. I shampooed a couple of people and did a shampoo-set and manicure. It turned out better than I thought it would. I also switched to 7.5 so I don’t get out until 4:30 now. I don’t really like it but it will help me to get through school faster.

I had a pretty intense discussion with my mom tonight. It turned out okay in the end and it felt good to get some things off my chest. I have therapy tomorrow so I can process all this with mom and Tom in more depth then.

Heath gets home in a week. It will be good to see him after two weeks. I cannot help but wonder if our relationship is going to work out or not. Time, only, will tell.

Paris will be nine months old in five days. That is hard to believe. He is growing up so fast.




July 6

I was a hair model tonight for Travis from Salon V. I was able to sit in on the class and it was great. It is really good incentive to hurry up and get out of school.

I started wondering more tonight about what is going on with Heath and I. There are a lot of things I am not so sure about. For instance: is Heath really ready to take on the responsibility of a child at this point in his life? Am I ready to jump into another relationship or do I want to play the field some? For example, I was very attracted to Travis and I think he was attracted to me. Am I willing to just be with one person at this point?

These are all things I need to figure out soon.

I don’t want Paris to grow up with a lot of men in his life and I need to figure out the best way to go about doing this as soon as possible. Paris is growing up fast and these things will start to affect him soon.




July 7

I seem to be in a state of confusion once again about me in a relationship. I am not sure I want to be in one at all. I’ve been thinking about asking Heath to move out. I don’t know I am ready to settle down and I am not too sure he is either. I guess the only thing I can do is talk with him when he gets back from London.




July 13

Heath is moving out. He called last night and we got into an argument, again. He will be back tomorrow night. I feel bad about it in a way, and, in a way, I don’t feel bad at all. Christi called after all of this and she is upset with me now. I don’t really claim to understand why.

I hung out with Travis all weekend and I really enjoyed myself. I do feel guilty as far as that goes. I should have waited until Heath got back to spend time with him but I could not. Now I can no longer say I have never cheated on anyone before.

It is actually all a big mess but it seems to be working out.

Travis sent me flowers at school today. They are beautiful. I get a similar feeling around him that I got around Tom when I first met him. I knew after Tom and I had been together two or three weeks that I was going to fall in love with him. I think the same could happen with Travis. He is very mellow and openly emotional. I am moving to 4th & Gill; he lives around the corner. He offered to take Paris to daycare on the mornings he did not have to be at work until after me.




July 19

I went to Nashville this weekend to model for Brent in a Wella hair show. I enjoyed it but I am ready to stay home for a while and hang out with Paris.

Things seem to be going well with Travis. No problems as of yet.

Beth is home. She spent the night with me last night and we hung out today. It was good to see her again but I can tell we have a lot of catching up to do.

Tom came over last night to see Paris. It is still a little uncomfortable to see him and be around him. 

And another new man begins to bite the dust...you have to give me an A for effort though! Thank god 20 is over!

June 8

Things have been going relatively well. Since I last wrote, my mom has decided to try to work things out with Billy. They start tomorrow in therapy. Ironically enough, they are going to go see the therapist Tom and I were going to use. Mom is coming to get Paris tomorrow afternoon to keep him for the weekend.

It is going well with Heath. He is easy to live around so far. He doesn’t operate the same way I do at times. He isn’t as analytical and all that stuff. At times, I enjoy it; other times, not. I am starting to care about him though. Things that seemed to bother me with Tom don’t seem to bother me with Heath. I believe it is because there is so much anger inside me when it comes to Tom.

School is going okay. I have been a little bored this week because I am having to do roller sets again because there are new students. This week is almost over thank god.




June 16

I did something yesterday that I think my mom is not going to be too happy about. I am scared to death about how she is going to react. I sold my car and bought a Jeep. It has made me realize a lot though. I hate the feeling having this money gives me. It is a constant struggle between frugality and excess. Right now, I would just like to be normal, living month to month.





June 17

I am in a funk tonight. Paris does not want to go to bed peacefully these days. Plus, I think he might be teething. Of course, I have thought that for five months now.

I am just a little bored tonight and I wanted to spend some time with Heath. He said he needed to run to the mall and get some shoes; he would come over soon. That was about four hours ago. It just gets a little tedious going to school every day and spending most of my nights alone. I think this is another of my ‘I just want to be a kid again with no responsibilities’ moods. Hopefully, it won’t last because feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere.

I saw Tom two nights ago at a meeting. It wasn’t too bad. He was riding with Julie and they followed me to Christi’s house so Julie could get a bassinet. He held Paris for a while and that was about it. We did not really speak and I have not thought much about it since. I guess this time I was ready to move on for real because, in the past, it was always hard to be around him. It wasn’t so bad this time.





June 20

I talked to Beth on the phone today and it depressed me some. She sounds as if she is doing really well which made me feel as if I am not. So I started to think about it and I have got to start keeping care of myself again. I need to start calling Barbara and go to at least one meeting a week. I need to start getting more rest also. With my life as busy as it is right now, I can’t afford to let myself get on dangerous ground. It could be too hard to get myself off of it.





June 22

My mom is supposed to be coming tomorrow to eat dinner with us. I’ll have to tell her about my car. I am scared of what she is going to do. I will just have to wait and see though.

Heath got his passport today so he will be leaving on the 29th for London. I am going to miss him, but maybe I can catch up on my sleep. He wrote me a song and I think it is beautiful. It is very slow and erotic. Every time I hear it, I smile and get all mushy inside. I think I might have lucked out with Heath. Isn’t that surprising? I did not think things would turn out this way. I decided tonight I would like to start spending more time at home. I am getting tired of running around and I don’t think it is fair to Paris to haul him all these places. Well, just to Christi’s house but still....

Also, I need to start budgeting better. I have been kind of extravagant with money lately. I also need to speak to Heath about paying rent and splitting bills. I don’t want to support him and, this way, money shouldn’t ever become an issue between us.





June 27

Today has been a crazy day. I went to therapy and realized I was starting to become shut off again. I have not been keeping very good care of myself. I made a decision to start.

Things are kind of weird with Heath right now. I don’t know how to explain it. I know that all this is brand new and that it will take some adjusting to. Right now, I am just trying to figure out what I need to do to keep care of myself. I know I wish he would include me in his life a little more than he is right now. 

May 16-30, 1994

May 16

I met with my sponsor, went to a meeting, and therapy, all in the same day. What I discovered is a lot of anger towards Tom. I have known for a while it is there. I believe now is the time it is meant to be dealt with.

Barbara asked me to write on my relationship with Tom-what my needs are, what my expectations are, what I feel I deserve in a relationship, etc. I don’t want to because I know if I am honest with myself I am not going to like some of the dynamics of my relationship with Tom.

I think the first thing I should do is remind myself I do love him. I say this now because I usually try to make everything black or white. I love him; I don’t love him. I need him too much; I don’t need him at all, etc. So regardless of what I discover on this little journey I want not to forget or kid myself out of my feelings for him.

The first thing that pops into my head when I think about my needs is the need to let who I am becoming grow stronger. To do this, I feel I need the freedom to explore myself, tolerance, and understanding when I make a mistake, and support with some degree of validation and recognition concerning what I am trying to do.

Or, put more simply, I would like to be accepted for who I am right now. I don’t feel as though this happens often with Tom. It seems as though I get cast as the bitch a lot. Granted, some times, I can more than fill those shoes; other times, not so much. Tom seems to have placed me there permanently. I am getting tired of accepting that role. In the past, I have always thought Tom was right because I knew next to nothing about myself. Now I know a little about myself; I am starting to disagree with some of his personality assessments. Something else I need is to be heard and not have my feelings brushed aside.

As I sit here and think, it does not seem many of my healthy needs get met. Evidently though I am getting something out of this. Security. I know I get security. I am scared of being alone and I am scared of doing what my mom has done by getting married six times. Part of me is scared to go through the pain I know I would feel losing Tom. I have felt it in bits and pieces when we have split up in the past and it hurts like hell.

I don’t really want to write anymore. I am starting to get very confused. Writing this has helped me to realize I have not thought much about my own needs. I need to get a better grasp on what they are I think.




May 17

Tom and I just got into a major argument. I feel crazy and angry.

(Later on...)

I called Barbara when Paris went to bed. It helped so much. I have gotten a little perspective and now I know a couple of things I can do to figure out what the next right thing to do is. Barbara said in situations like this she has been in, she first prays for guidance and strength to carry out actions. Then she writes the other person a very honest letter about how she feels to get some clarity. Somewhere along the way, what she should do is made clear to her. So that is what I am going to try.


May 20

Paris is with my mom this weekend. This is the first time she has kept him I have actually spent time at home with myself. I am enjoying it. I have felt pretty good the last couple of days. I have had an hour or two here and there that have not been so easy. I ended things with Tom on Tuesday. For some reason, this time feels different. It feels as if I finally made my decision to let go for good. I am not going to go to Young People’s Meeting without first leaving a message on his machine that I am going. He said he would not go to them if I could go. Hopefully, he will honor that agreement because I really do not want to see him-not until some time has gone by and I can handle myself better.


May 22

I seem to be having a difficult time determining what thoughts are truly mine and what thoughts are Tom’s. I went out dancing with Christi last night. I did not have a problem with it until I saw Tom at the meeting. He showed up there knowing I was going. He made some rude comments to me and....


May 24

I am a little confused as to what to do with myself now as far as relationships go. I know I don’t need to get involved in any heavy duty relationship but I would like to try dating. The confusion is because I don’t think I know how to date. I know I would need to keep that part of my life separate from motherhood. Paris does not need to be around multiple men.



May 25

I went to court today for child support. The judge awarded me $1200/month which I doubt I will ever see. I told my mom about it and, needless to say, she was not pleased. She does not agree with me seeking child support from Andrew. I do not think she realizes how much I am starting to dislike being dependent on her.

My friend Randy came over last night because he had walked out on his wife the night before and wanted to talk. He said he was close to drinking so I offered to let him sleep on my couch. He said he should get a room because he would not want to sleep on the couch. That made me very uncomfortable and now I need to let him know where my boundary is. I enjoy his friendship but I think if he has other feelings he should probably stay away until he gets over them. I don’t really think he has those feelings for me. I think his marriage lacks intimacy so he has been looking for it elsewhere. I think he enjoys our friendship too but he is treading on dangerous ground. I don’t want any part of it.

Beth called tonight. It was good to hear she is okay. She says she has gone to 8 meetings in 5 days and has found one she feels comfortable at. She is going to write and give her address to me so my phone bill isn’t outrageous.

I am feeling lonely. Beth is gone, Tom is out of my life, Randy is not good to be around right now, Christi and I are still building a friendship. My mom upset me when I told her how court went and she was not supportive of my decisions-once again. Now would be a good time to try to connect with my higher power better.




May 29

Things seem to have worked themselves out with Randy. He and his wife made up and I have not seen him since that night. We talked on the phone but that is about it. That is for the best right now.

Julie told me the other day that Tom talks about me a lot. Hearing about him made me miss him and get sad for awhile but I still have no intention of going back into that situation. I am enjoying being single-for the most part. I don’t really feel as angry towards him as I did when we first broke up. I am sure it is still there somewhere and it will show itself again.

I went out on a date with Heath, Christi’s cousin, last night. We got Chinese food to go and ate it at the Loudon dam. I enjoyed myself. It was very casual and relaxing. Christi kept Paris for me. I feel guilty for going somewhat because I did just get out of a relationship. Another part of me doesn’t feel guilty at all because I want to be able to act my age every now and again. The trick now is learning how to keep dating on a casual level. No sex can be involved. I know that. I don’t think at all that I am ready to do that yet.

I am going to try to make it to a meeting sometime this week. I have not been to one in a week.



May 30

Well it seems old patterns are harder to break than I thought. I had sex with Heath last night. I don’t really know what to say about it. I know this is the same pattern I went through with Andrew. I got involved with him right after Tom and I broke up, we had sex, I got pregnant, etc. The thing that makes this confusing is I do like Heath. I have known him for a while and have always wanted to get to know him better. I know that I most likely should not have slept with him. I have all this AA conditioning in my head that tells me I should stay away from this situation. I can even hear Tom’s voice in my head saying all the things he said when he found out I was seeing Andrew. So I know what AA says is right (although few individuals probably live that way themselves), I know what Tom would say is right, what I don’t know is what I feel to be right. Like I said earlier, sex was probably the wrong road to take, but as far as all the rest, I’m not sure. It feels like I am still dealing with my feelings, still examining myself, still trying to make changes, etc. I am having a really difficult time grasping onto what feels right.

My mom surprised me yesterday. She called for my advice. She was very emotional (actually crying) and asked me a lot of questions. She asked me about a therapist for her. I am trying to not get my expectations.....

May 1-15, 1994

May 1

This is turning into a very painful time for me. It seems as though I now have no other choice but to find some way to let go of and get over Tom. It is not going to work out. This is painfully obvious to me now. It hurts like hell. I cry every time I am alone. This is the first thing I am not sure if I can make it through or not. School starts on Tuesday and I am hoping it will help me to get through this thing. Paris has been in daycare a week and seems to be going well with it.



May 2

I met with Barbara today. We had lunch and talked. I felt very nervous, as though I was trying out for the role of sponsoree. But, after I left, I felt peaceful again, for awhile. It felt wonderful in the midst of all this pain. I continue to struggle with my relationship with Tom being over. I wanted to call very badly tonight but did not. In a way, I am scared to look at why this is so painful. I want to just be able to get by with saying it hurts because I love him but I am not naive enough to think this does not go deeper than that. For the time being though, I miss him and our relationship badly. I am having a difficult time showing others how bad this hurts. When I am alone, it is very easy to cry and let my feelings run over but in the presence of others, I feel guarded. This scares me because I know this is similar to old behavior. In the past, Tom was the person I felt most comfortable with when it came to letting down my walls and being completely vulnerable. Now, that is not an option. This situation most definitely feels as though it is one of the most painful because I feel completely and totally powerless. The decision to separate was not mine. It is not what I wanted at all. The deal with my mom is sad and disappointing but it is where I wanted to be. Andrew leaving was difficult but I never really took him into account or thought about his side of the picture until recently. But the separation with Tom goes against everything I wanted--although it probably doesn’t go against what I needed or it would not be happening.

Barbara asked me to write each day one thing I am grateful for at the end of each of my journal entries. I think, today, I am most grateful for the strength that has carried me through the day so I could function at some level. Even though right now I feel like I am just going through the motions, I am grateful today I was at least able to do so.




May 3

I started school today. I think I am going to enjoy it. It feels good to be doing something for myself again. I felt a little guilty and sad leaving Paris in daycare so early. I did not realize how much I enjoy our leisurely mornings. When I picked him up, he was pretty fussy and has been most of the night. It gets very stressful at times when he is crying uncontrollably. I think he may be sick or teething. I am going to keep on eye on him.

I want to call Tom again. As long as I keep busy, it does not bother me as much but when I stop, it all comes to the surface. I still do not want to let go of him and it is causing a lot of pain.

At this point I am finding it difficult to feel grateful for anything today. I am tired, stressed out after a full day of school and listening to Paris cry for two hours and not knowing what to do to help him, the relationship with a man I love and need is so screwed up the only way seems to be out, and I have been feeling depressed for almost five days now. Actually, honestly, I have been sad for years now and it seems to be coming to the surface finally. I guess I am at least grateful I can realize what it is I am feeling and what is going on inside so I have something to work with.



May 4

I had a difficult day today. I seem to be getting my fair share of them here lately.

Paris woke up almost every 1 1/2 hours last night with a fever. I got up and took him to daycare and they called me at school around noon because his temperature had gone up to 102.9. So I left school and took him to the doctor. He has an ear infection in his left ear. As of bedtime, he was doing better. Needless to say, I have been exhausted.

I am still in a lot of pain emotionally. It is as though all the sadness I have kept inside for so long is taking this time of being single to come out. It really sucks because after feeling this way for five days, I am starting to feel pretty lifeless. But, in it’s own way, I know it is good because I think this is the start of a healing process.

I still think about Tom a lot in my free time. I am in the stage where a lot of memories are running through my mind. I am grateful I have been granted enough strength to not call to get some quick fix.

I have therapy on Monday and I am really looking forward to it. I have a small inkling of the feeling I can pull through this in time.




May 5

Today has been a pretty good day. Paris seems to be feeling a little bit better. I am getting to know more people at school so I am starting to feel more comfortable. I seemed to be in a little less pain today. I actually felt like everything was going to be okay, or that I would be okay.

I don’t really want to write much because I need some sleep but today, I am just grateful for today.



May 8

I didn’t get a chance to write the last couple of days. Paris was with my mom so I was out a lot.

I picked him up this evening and ate dinner with my mom. I really dislike hanging out with her.



May 9

I met with my sponsor today and she asked me to write a little bit every day about love. It does not have to be anything in particular-just as long as love is involved.

So what I want to do first is look it up in Webster’s and think about the definition before I write on it. So I am going to do that tonight and start my love entries tomorrow.




May 10

I have been thinking about love today after reading the definition of it. What I have been trying to figure out is where does one draw one’s boundaries when they love somebody? How much do you tolerate and accept? How willing is one supposed to get when love for another is involved?

I have come up with a couple of answers I think. The first is that a line has to be drawn when my security is in question and, the other, I have to think about self love also. If I cannot continue to love myself or have any self respect, I probably need to draw the line.

Now, it is simple to know this in theory. What I feel I need to do now is put this theory into action. That is not quite as easy. I am finding it difficult to find a common element in the three situations I feel I am trying to do this in. It seems as though I am rapidly reaching my limit with my mom and I think that time is coming with Beth. I don’t seem to have gotten to that point yet with Tom. Of course, there are three different types of love involved. I think I need to turn this over in my mind a little more and examine my feelings about each relationship a bit more.

Something else I have been thinking about is how do I tell the difference between self-protection and self-destruction? The reason I wonder about this is because I feel like pulling away from Beth and I can not tell if this is protecting myself or a form of self-destruction.

One other thing. I am trying to discover what unconditional love means to me.

“To thine own self be true” keeps running through my head. I have a feeling the solution to all these questions I have right now lies in that principle.




May 11

I got a little frustrated tonight. Well actually, very frustrated. Paris was dog tired and battled going to bed again. I finally just let him up and he stayed awake until about 9:45, which means I end up staying up later, which means I get tired fast. It is nights like this I wonder how I am ever going to do all these things and maintain a good attitude. I think my love for Paris helps to keep me from losing my cool too much, my love for myself and what I am trying to do keeps me motivated, and the love and support I get from others has kept me strong.



May 15

My sponsor has asked me to write in my journal on a regular basis and that does not seem to be happening. By the time Paris goes to bed at 9:30 and I study, I am too tired to write. My fast pace caught up with me today. I was very tired and kind of low.

I hung out with Beth today and I did not enjoy it at all. It seemed very superficial and I was not comfortable. I think a number of things contribute to this. One, she is leaving in a week and I think I have pulled away some. Two, I have not really seen her all that much in the last month so our friendship isn’t really up to date. Three, our lives are on different paths.

I would like to go to a meeting soon because I am feeling disconnected and somewhat emotionally withdrawn. Not shut off; just withdrawn.

Things seem to be going okay with Tom. He has agreed to go to therapy once a month so that may help us sort through some of our stuff. I don’t see him that much and that seems to help. Being in school helps also because I don’t have time to sit around and get crazy when we do encounter a problem.

Life is actually going pretty smoothly and my feelings have been relatively stable. 

April 1994--I should have learned to give up on men a long time ago...love is blind. Hugs.

April 4

I ended up going to ICYPAA. Paris was feeling much better so my mom met me in Atlanta and kept Paris Friday and Saturday. She wanted to box up Billy’s stuff.



April 7

I hired a girl on Saturday to keep Paris when I start school. Her name is Jennifer B. and she got glowing references. My mom is not going to pay her. Of course, that makes me angry because she said she would pay for Paris’ childcare when I went back to school. I am really tired of my mother reneging on her word. I am going to try to speak to her as little as possible for a while and see if that will help me out in the anger department.


April 12

Tom and I got into another argument. He was telling me how he was feeling and I was listening. We got on the topic of our relationship. I told him I did not have much trust in our relationship. He got upset and said this was not the appropriate time to bring that up because he was already freaking out in the first place. He left. I guess I’ll see what happens. I am still thinking the situation over. I am not sure if I was wrong or not.

(Night....)

Just got off the phone with Tom a minute ago. He has decided, again, that he needs a week or so to get his life together, sort out his stuff, and, while he does that, he needs to put our relationship on hold. I am hurt, angry, and disappointed. I don’t think I will be here if he decides to come back again. It doesn’t seem right to me to walk away from a relationship to get one’s life in order. It seems that a relationship is supposed to be part of one’s life. I do hope he achieves his goal and I will continue to work on achieving mine. It is so very sad though. I expect life to be a little rough in the days ahead. I think I will make it okay though. I know I have to; for myself and for Paris.












April 13, 1994 (Never sent)

Dear Tom:

I don’t quite know where I am going with this letter but I feel it is my only way to get what I need to say out of my system. For many reasons I don’t think I can say these things directly to you. I have ended up feeling pretty hurt by our relationship. This latest thing of you needing to take space to get your life in order might have been the final straw. I don’t know yet. You and my mother both have been pretty disappointing and I am not sure I can handle much more disappointment on this scale right now. Twice, our engagement has been broken and now this. I know that you think that love can conquer all but I am not so sure. It seems as though you place a lot of conditions on how our relationship must be for you to participate in it. I don’t know that I can, or ever, want to meet those conditions. A lot of times I feel that in order to be with you, I must conform to your idea of what a good partner is and I am not tolerated when I make mistakes. To me, this is not what love is about. To me, love is about allowing someone to be who they are or to figure it out and to allow someone to fuck up along the way. I know that you don’t have to accept this and can choose not to deal with this and go about your business. Maybe you can find someone who can meet your expectations but I really do not think so. It seems to me that if you truly love someone, then you stick it out, no matter what. I’m not sure either one of us is willing to do that at this point. It hurts like hell to not have you in my life but it hurts even more to have you in my life and to feel like I am being intolerable and judged by your standards. I am pretty sure I know what I need to do. It is the same thing I was going to do before I saw you in Atlanta. That is get on with my life, develop my own personality in the best way I think to go about doing it, develop my own standards, and work through all the anger, resentment, hurt, and disappointment caused by our relationship.

Right now I have a low opinion of you. I think you are a chicken shit. I think you are arrogant and impatient and you don’t tolerate others or where they are at all. I think you think you have all the answers and that in order for people to be in your life they have to live according to the doctrine of Tom. Regardless of whether all this is true or not, it is not good to have such a low opinion of someone I want to be with. So it seems I already have my answer about where do I go now and what to do. I do love you. Right now, I don’t like you very much so whatever your decision about us is after getting your life in order, I think my decision is going to have to be to move on for now and try to live my life the way I see fit to, live it out from under your ideological star.









April 13

Tom and I got into another argument today. I told him of my decision to move on. Right now, I just think he is an arrogant, impatient asshole and I need to look at what it was I seemed to get out of being with him. I’m hurt, I’m relieved, I’m angry, I’m confused, and I am glad it is over. I am sure it is going to be hell but I am also sure it will be worth the pain of separation in the end.

(Later on.....)

Andrew just called. I told him some of the things I thought about him not being interested in Paris and how, if he was really interested, he would make time, at least, to call and see how Paris is doing. He didn’t really say anything. It is really sad for Paris’ sake. I don’t really expect Andrew to change. I just pray I can do my best to explain all this to Paris when he is old older and I can let him know how much I love him. I hope one day Paris can understand that his father just was not ready for this kind of responsibility but it has nothing to do with him and is not his fault.






April 14

I really need to find a sponsor. I am not able to go to meetings like I used to, Beth is leaving town in a month, I feel like I need to do a 4th step, and I would like a sponsor to guide me on one.

I was starting to feel crazy and preoccupied so I called Christi and hung out with her for  a while.















April 16

Christi kept Paris last night (overnight) and I went to the 10 and 11 o’clock meetings and to IHOP afterwards. Tom was at both places and we played the “we will just ignore each other” game. Seeing him has put me in a funk. It made me sad but I don’t want to get back together with him.

I told my mom a little bit about how I am feeling about her not seeming very supportive. She was somewhat receptive and she said something that made me start thinking. She said she didn’t feel like I was that interested in how she felt or how her life was going. I think that is true to some degree. I am not interested in the things that interest her but I am concerned about how she feels about the things that go on in her life and head. I think I will probably tell her this.



April 17

I hung out with Julie today. We had a good time. I would like to get to know her better. I am still in a funk after seeing Tom on Friday. Beth went to go see a movie with him and Kristen last night. For some reason, it made me upset with him. It is so very sad when you can’t be with somebody you love as much as I love him.



April 23

I have been somewhat stressed out lately. I had to find a new apartment, new daycare center, and enroll in school. Tom and I tried to be together again and, of course, it did not work. I think that added to my stress a lot because I knew, inside, I did not really want to be back with him but I did it anyway. I felt better immediately today when I finally told him that it wasn’t worth it to lose myself to be with him. So now, on with my life. And now, it is time to figure the whole thing out.













April 24

Paris won’t go to to bed so we are engaged in a battle of wills. I think he is winning so far.

I ran into Beth and Julie at Target today so I went and hung out with them most of the day. I am glad I saw them. I wanted to hang out with somebody. I got sad at one point because they were talking about Craig and Donovan and it made me start thinking about Tom. I miss him. I don’t understand why things never seem to work out. I guess we are both too immature or something along those lines. Whatever it is, it hurts like hell to walk away. I am not even sure that is the right thing to do. When it comes to Tom, I don’t ever seem to know what is the right thing to do. I think I will just have to try it this way for a while and see what happens. But, once again, it does hurt like hell.

I got scared last night for the first time about starting school, putting Paris in daycare, and all that stuff. I don’t seem to be able to picture doing it all and getting it all together. Once I get the hang of it, it shouldn’t be a big deal. I think what I am going through is stage fright. It should be cool to live close to Christi. We can hopefully help each other out some more.

I need to go to a meeting soon. I am starting to feel on edge.

I'm Back!!! March 1994 cont...

March 21

Had another rough day emotionally. Something seems to be coming of it though. I am developing a theory: it will not kill me to go through some pain. If I go through this pain and, at the other side of it, I realize that what always sent me back to Tom in the past was fear, then I think a lot of the fear should be gone once I have felt my pain. This course will take faith and trust in my higher power to help pull me through. If I go through the pain and I realize I really do love Tom more than I thought, and it isn’t mostly my fear, then my love will still be there and whatever will happen will happen. Of one thing, I am sure. I must allow myself to go through the pain. It won’t kill me and I will learn a lot. I’ve tried the thing of going back and it does not work so it is time to try something different.

So, although today was rough, it was a little bit better than yesterday.




March 22

I felt better today. I went out to lunch with Beth and Josh, we acted goofy, and had some fun. It felt good but I felt guilty for not hanging out with Paris. I’m going to hang out with him tomorrow.

Andrew is coming to town on Saturday. Beth is going to come over when she gets off work and Christi is coming over that night to color my hair. I am anxious about how he is going to react to my decision to ask for child support. That is why I would like to have Beth and Christi here to support me. It is going to be strange to see him again. It has been a long time.

Beth is thinking about going out west for the summer. If she goes, I wonder who I am going to talk to? I know I will be okay but I do depend on her a lot for emotional support. I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge if I come to it.




March 24

There seems to be something about spring that causes relationships to get difficult. Tom and I broke up. Beth and Gerald split up; Kristen and Rob broke up. I miss Tom but I am not going to do anything about it. I can tell I am stressed out because I seem to have been short on patience this morning. It probably also has to do with the fact I am sick and getting bored. I am really looking forward to school starting. I think it will be good for me to start doing something for myself again.

Andrew is going to be here on Saturday. I am anxious about how he is going to react to being given the papers for child support. I’m hoping he won’t take it too badly but you never know. I’ll find out in two days. It is going to be really strange to see him again. I wonder how I am going to feel? Probably a lot of mixed emotions. I am trying very hard to not have too many expectations about what it is going to be like and what will happen. I’m interested in seeing how Andrew reacts to Paris. I wonder how he is feeling right now? He was supposed to call me a day or two before he came down to let me know when to expect him. I have not heard from him yet.

I’ve been thinking lately I need to get a sponsor. I have a lady in mind and I think I’ll go to a meeting on Monday and she if she is there or not. I need to start working a better program.




March 26

Andrew should be here in three hours. Wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m not going to serve him with the papers while he is here but at the airport when he is leaving Knoxville. I’m nervous, excited, scared. I’ll have to write more after he is gone.

I saw Tom last night for the first time in a week. We talked for awhile and we will probably talk some more but I don’t think I want to be with him right now. I’m not sure why I feel this way but it seems to be what I have been thinking most of the day. I guess I’ll just wait and see how that goes too.




March 27

What a weekend! Andrew has met Paris. Tom is out of my life for good (for a while at least).

Andrew got here about 3pm yesterday. He seemed to enjoy meeting Paris. He was pretty comfortable around him. He stayed until 9pm. We went out to lunch today and I told him about the child support. He didn’t seem too pleased but he did not seem to mind too much. I am taking him to the airport tomorrow and he will get the papers there. He knows this. I feel like I went about this the right way. I don’t know how long it will take for the support to start coming but at least the ball is rolling now.

Tom called about five times yesterday concerned about me being around Andrew. He does not trust me at all. After Andrew left we talked about what happened last week. After figuring out it had a lot to do with miscommunication, Tom assumed we would still be getting married on April 2nd of next year. I told him I did not want to get married and he said that was all he was willing to do with me (work towards marriage). So it is over. I am glad because I really do not want to be with Tom right now. I do not know how I will feel in the future but I imagine the same. Something just feels different.

I also discovered today that my fantasy about being with Andrew is nothing more than a fantasy. We are even less compatible than Tom and I. So it appears I am on my own. No relationship; no fantasy.

It feels good. At least for right now.




March 28

Andrew is gone now. I took him to the airport this morning. He said goodbye to Paris and left. He got the papers for child support at the airport. He’s not upset about it; at least, he did not seem to be.

Pam called this morning and said she could not come in today. I knew she would do this so when she called I told her not to bother to come in for the rest of the week.




March 29

I am having a difficult time with the Tom thing. I miss him a lot. I talked to him today to apologize for not talking to him about moving and to tell him he could babysit Paris after all. I don’t know if I am just feeling lonely and that is why I miss him or if it is something more. I know that a very large part of me is concerned with what everyone else will think or say if we were to get back together again. I know I really should not worry about that and just try to figure out what I need to do regardless of what people think. It is very confusing. He said he might come over and see Paris and I tomorrow night. I guess I will just have to wait and see how I feel then. I wonder how long things will be this crazy between us? Not for too much longer I hope. I know a large part of me is scared at the insecurity it seems a life with Tom could bring while, on the other hand, my life probably won’t be that secure once I start supporting myself.

Confusion, confusion. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want. Will I ever?




March 31

So much can happen in two days. My mom and Billy have split up again. He pulled another one of his scenes and hit her again. She is coming to stay with Paris and I on Friday and Saturday.

Paris had to go to the doctor and he has bronchitis so I won’t be going to ICYPAA. He is on antibiotics and cough medicine.

I am having an especially painful time with Tom. I’m not sure what it is all about. I want to be with him and I don’t want to be with him. It is very confusing.

Stay with me!!

Hello guys...I am on a road trip into my past so the flits are going to be a little random this week. Stay tuned though because they will be going up. Love and hugs to all!!

Sorry for the missing Jan-March 94...they seem to gave gotten lost over the years--

March 1, 1994

I feel crazy tonight. This is a new development because I felt pretty good most of the day. I think part of it is hormones because I started my period. I think the rest has a lot to do with my mom because she keeps being so negative about me marrying Tom. She just can’t be.....




March 3

I don’t feel crazy anymore for the time being. Tom and I spent the last three days together and it went all right. We had a couple of tense moments but I was very impressed with how we handled them. Nothing drastic was said or done and I was able to express how I felt and then not let it affect my attitude towards him. I have really enjoyed being with him. Our relationship seems to be maturing. It’s very nice to feel this.

Still having some problems with my mom. I have been looking at what has gone on in the past and it seems as though she has a hard time supporting me or encouraging me in the things I feel it is important for me to do. For instance, having Paris and marrying Tom. I don’t really understand all this yet. I don’t so much feel as though I need her approval anymore as I feel like I need to know she is proud of me for growing up some. But I guess that is approval.

I gave Pam her notice today. I told her I was putting Paris in daycare and that I could only keep her until the end of March. She was not too pleased and I think that she might have been trying to make me feel guilty for letting her go.

I need to start getting more honest. I have noticed lately I don’t always tell things like they actually happened. I try to make myself look good. This needs to stop because it is messing with my conscience.





March 6

Feeling crazy today. Lots of reasons. Last night my old sexual baggage came up again. It does not seem at times that Tom and I enjoy sex together. He says it feels like work to get me excited. I think that it takes more than he is willing or can do to get me off. I really need to bring up sex in therapy. It is something I never talk about.

Another thing-I feel bad about my body. I certainly do not look like I used to. That probably has a little bit to do with my sex problems. It seems as though I can’t stop eating things I know are bad for me. I wonder sometimes if I am developing some sort of eating disorder. I even thought about making myself throw up today. I have got to do something about this before I develop an eating disorder. I tell myself every day I’ve got to start taking better care of myself but I don’t do it. I’m getting what I consider chubby. I refuse to let this happen to me.

Another thing I feel crazy about is Tom being fine most of the time. It seems as though the only time I hear what is going on with him is when he is not on meds. I’m not sure if I want someone to feel crazy with me or if I want him to open up to me more. I would guess that it is both.

I still want to get married but I am getting scared. I wonder if I am mature enough to handle it. I am also starting to realize what a big adjustment it going to be to become financially independent. So much stuff and I am only 20. It is quite scary.

Still have not heard from Andrew. I am getting rather pissed all over again about the whole thing. I’m going to call my lawyer tomorrow about finding a lawyer in Tennessee.

Later...same day...

It is amazing how much better I feel after writing things down. I also prayed. I was thinking just a minute ago that if I had not found out I was having Paris, I most likely would not still be sober. I was certainly not doing all that great when I was seeing Andrew. I should try to remember that when I get discouraged and frustrated.





March 18

Another entry concerning the soap opera of Tom and Charity. As of yesterday, we are not getting married. No need to go into a whole lot of detail. Basically because I told him I felt I should start taking care of myself again by making my own decisions for a while without letting he nor my mother influence me so much, I am a whiner who is playing the victim. He says he does not respect me, he can’t stand that it takes me a while to process things, can’t stand the way I see things, and he feels it is only natural that he is above me. He said he had to play my counselor because I am beneath him and he has to pull me up.

I am pretty put out by the whole situation. My self-esteem is real shaky. I have felt angry and cynical most of the day. My feelings are very hurt but it has not really hit me yet. I do know this time I need to stay away no matter how bad it hurts or how scared I get. If I go back, I am only asking for more pain. I am sure it will get more difficult as the days go by.

Andrew is coming to town on Saturday March 26. I have decided to ask the court for child support. I’m not sure how he will react to it. I’ve told him I was thinking about doing it. He did not sound too pleased but he did not sound angry either. I guess I will see now it goes next weekend.




March 20

It’s hitting me more today. I broke down in tears just a minute ago. Paris was very fussy and did not want to go to sleep so he was pitching a fit and my patience just went out the door. I was so tired I could no longer keep my feelings at bay. I have been lonely all day long. I’ve called three or four people to see if they wanted to go somewhere to help keep me from going crazy, but nobody called me back. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I wish sometimes I had never fallen in love with Tom. It is starting to hurt like hell. It seems as though weekends are especially difficult times for me. Ever since I got sober, I have not been crazy about weekends. I usually feel so alone on weekends.

I wonder how long it is going to be this painful? I will be so grateful to start school in May. I need to have something else in my life besides parenting. I love Paris dearly but I need to be doing something for myself too. I have too much time on my hands.

Since it is May, let's have a December also. This one is long to get you guys through the weekend. May or may not have time to post up the next couple of days. Love.

December 14, 1993

I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. All the stress in my life is about to drive me crazy. Parenthood, relationships, and trying to take care of myself are all really taking their toll on me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. My behavior is really getting out of hand. It seems to come out on Tom the most. I do not understand my behavior with him a lot of the time. I believe a lot of it is motivated by fear. I am so scared he is going to decide doing all this with Paris and me is not what he really wants and I am going to lose him to a very self-centered life. Even though I know there is nothing I can do to make him decide this is what he wants, my actions indicate this is just what I am trying to do. I am thinking I need to spend less time trying to make sure Tom sticks around and more time worrying about taking care of myself. What are the things I need to do?

Go to more meetings.
Learn to walk away for a short time.
Write in my journal more.
Go back to therapy.
Ask for help more often.
Make time for myself.

Tom is getting his own place to live and he broke our engagement. I feel deserted and very hurt. I can’t stand the way I have been acting and I don’t know anymore how to be around him. It is hard to imagine going on from this point. I feel as if I have already lost him; my world has been blown out of the water. I know I have to allow him his space and time to do what he needs to do for himself. It would probably help me too but I am so goddamned scared of taking that step.





December 19, 1993

Some really intense things have been going on with me. Underneath all I do and feel is this sense of sadness. I want to cry but don’t seem to be able to. I feel tired most of the time. I am not very motivated. I feel frustrated with most things in my life right now: meetings, my mother, myself. I say this sadness is new but I don’t think it is. I believe it has been with me for a long time but it is just now I have the ability to feel it for what it truly is. I don’t think I know how to cope with it. I don’t even know what causes it. I do know it is there. I have to remember it and not shrug it off as just having a bad day. It must be dealt with over time.




December 20

Paris came home tonight and I was so happy to see him at last. I tried to talk to mom about her not having any respect for me, and, of course, she just shut down and ignored me. It is very pathetic behavior and it hurts my feelings immensely. It seems as though ever since Paris was born, I don’t exist for her anymore. She has her husband (yes, she married Billy again) and she has her grandchild. Her daughter is just a nuisance because her daughter gets in her face and challenges her way of thinking. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel as though the situation is hopeless. I know I have to draw the line somewhere so I think until I feel as though my mom respects my authority as a parent, I will only let her see Paris while I am around. I am very disappointed in her, but I should have known better than to expect much else out of her.

Tom says I need to open up and allow him to support me more. He’s right. I tend to keep things to myself and try to work through things alone. It is difficult to do this though. I have a very hard time letting my guard down for myself or anyone else. I know in order for us to have a good relationship, this is something I must work harder on.





December 21, 1993

Today is my first day back to the routine of Paris. It hasn’t been that bad so far. I am meeting Beth later for coffee. I am also going to try to make it to a meeting today at some point. I think I might try to get to one a day for a while. It could help me to feel better. I still feel distant from myself and have been thinking today I don’t know how to let someone support me emotionally. I know how to talk to someone but it is different to lean on someone. I’m going to have to talk to Tom about that tonight.

Mom called this morning and acted as though I had never said anything to her about not respecting me. I really hate that, but I have noticed most things about my mom that hurt my feelings and piss me off, are some of the exact same things I do. In order to understand myself, I need to understand her. In order to understand her, I need to understand myself. What a Catch-22.

I really get tired of having to deal with all this stuff. It seems like it never ends. But, of course, I have no choice but to deal with it if I don’t want to end up drunk or living my mom’s life all over again. So I will deal with it.





December 22

I am feeling really confused about some of the things in my life right now. Tom is one of them; my relationship with my mother is another.

I don’t want Tom to touch me at all right now and I feel very distant from him. I feel like I really want my space back. I don’t know if I am ready to deal with living with someone. I think I have a lot of hurt feelings and anger built up regarding him. I don’t know if I want to be alone or if I just want my space. I’ll get it on February 1st but it is really difficult at times right now. I think some of it has to do with him breaking off our engagement, and, I feel I let Tom think for me at times. When we have discussions about how we feel, I usually end up feeling so confused, it is just easier for me, in one way, to accept his way of thinking and let his perception be the way it is. I am not going to do anything drastic. I’ll ride it out until I am more aware of what is going on with me.

As far as mom goes, all I know to do is what I need to for my own peace of mind. I am still going to let her keep Paris because I know I need the breaks, but I’ll also tell her what I like and don’t like about how she is when she keeps him. I believe that is all I can realistically do. I can’t make her do anything and I am not willing to shut her out of mine or Paris’ life.

I am thinking about not going back to college and getting my cosmetology license. That way I can support Paris and myself until I figure out what I really want to be doing. It takes ten months to get it and they help you find a job when you are done. I feel strongly I need to stop depending on mom for all my financial needs. This is a decision I am going to put a lot of thought into. I don’t want to make any rash decisions about my future.

I think I need to practice putting more thought into all my decisions because, reading back over these last few journal entries, I see how much my thinking changes in just a few days. I believe doing this could cut down on my regret list a lot and I could end up more satisfied with the decisions I do make about things.





December 25, 1993

It really does not feel like Christmas to me at all. This is the first Christmas my family has not spent together. I went to Beth’s last night for Christmas dinner and it was a large gathering. I have always wanted a big family that got together on holidays and it makes me sad that my family is not close. I think I am longing for a sense of community and I don’t feel that at this particular point in my life, at least, not with my family. It is as though each part of my family is it’s own separate unit. I don’t think it should be that way.

Another thing, it seems my feelings towards Tom are shut off. Well, not entirely. One moment, he is irritating to me; the next, he isn’t. I am not sure what the deal is. I know I want my condo back. After someone is around for awhile, I want to live alone again. I gave him until February 1st to move and I will stick by that. As far as the rest goes, I don’t know. I’m not very sexually inclined right now. I am not even particularly affectionate. A couple of times today, I have looked at him and wondered why I was even with him at all. I’ll ride it out though. I wonder if I stay with him in part because he has convinced me I will be acting self-destructively by letting him out of my life? That’s something to talk to my therapist about.

Today is my two year sobriety date.

Imagine that.




December 26, 1993

Still feeling crazy and irritable. Still cannot put my finger on why. I’ve been thinking about Tom and me and I know I care for him but I don’t think I know what love is or what it means to love somebody. I believe that is something I need to figure out. Don’t know how to go about doing that without totally pushing him away. I’ve also been wondering about my motivation for getting back with Tom. I’m not so positive my motives were pure and I’m not so sure a relationship based on the wrong motives is one that will last.




December 27

I went to therapy today and it helped to clarify my thoughts a little. I actually felt pretty good until Tom walked in the door. As soon as he came in, I felt irritable and defended again. What is going on? Why do I start to feel this way around him? It is getting very old. We talked last night and I told him I needed some space. I felt better for awhile; now the irritation is back. All I know to do is go back step by step and see what led to the irritation. And, I think I’ll make this my therapy topic next week.

Therapy was good this week. It seems my old value system instilled by my mother and that life is engaged in a tug of war with the value system I have been developing since I got sober two years ago. This could be one cause of my irritation these days. Confusion does not sit well with me and could come out as irritation. Just a theory, but it sounds dead on to me. I am very glad I decided to get back into therapy. Life seems easier with a little clarity in it.
December 28, 1993

I talked to Tom last night about my irritation and it seemed to help. I feel now like I need to talk to Beth and apologize to her. I don’t feel as though I have been available for her lately and I haven’t been opening up much to her either. I also need to thank her for all her help with Paris.

Tom should be getting his own place soon. Lots of mixed feelings about that one. I want him to go and I don’t want him to go. But, him going will be best, for the both of us.

Bill C. called last night and said I should be able to move by March. That will be good. I’m ready for more space.

I had lunch with Christi today and I enjoyed myself. It tires me out but I feel better emotionally if I can get out of the house for a while every other day or so.

I met Tom at Java around 5pm and he said he wasn’t going to a meeting because he wanted to stay home and spend time with Paris and me, play music and stuff. So what has he been doing since he got home? Sleeping. Needless to say, my feelings are hurt and I am irritated again. He said he was going to nap for an hour and I was cool with that, but now, it has been two. He set the alarm; it went off. He hit snooze; it went off again. He hit snooze. I finally turned the alarm off myself because I don’t want it to wake up Paris. I will be glad to live alone again. I really wonder if it is worth it to be in a relationship at this point in my life.

I sold my Proffitt’s stock today and had Paul L. set up a savings account with the money. He is going to send me a checkbook for it and I think I’ll use the money to pay my tuition at TN School of Beauty. In the future, my dividend checks will go into that account instead of me getting a check for $30 or so. My mom knew I was going to sell the stock but she told me to invest the money in something else. I wonder how she will take it when I tell her what I am doing with it? I guess time will tell.




December 29, 1993

History repeats itself. Tom and I are no longer seeing one another. I won’t go into details but basically he said if I can’t commit to changing my attitude, mood, or behavior, then I needed to let him go. So I let him go. I can’t commit to that. I honestly think I do care for Tom but I don’t love him like he wants me to. I feel relieved. I had been thinking about this a couple of days and, even though I feel he pressed the issue, it is good because I would have dragged it out longer than necessary. This way, there is a lot less pain involved, or, at least, less unnecessary pain.



December 30, 1993

I told Tom he had to be gone by Saturday, Jan 1st. His stuff can stay until Feb 1st. Of course, he did not take it well but that is his problem. I was not comfortable with him here and I think I have the right to do this considering it is my house and all. I told him I would pay for him to stay in a rooming house or he could find his own place to stay. I think he is going to find his own place to stay. So it’s over. Now begins the long process of putting myself back together and figuring out where I go wrong in relationships with men.

Fun, fun.



December 31

So it is New Year’s Eve. Tom has moved his stuff out. He is gone. It is over. I feel sad, but now, I can start out my new year fresh. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself now though. Being involved with someone ties up a lot of time. But I am sure I will make do. I expected this would not last. My motives were wrong.

It’s funny....but he doesn’t irritate me now.