May 1-15, 1994

May 1

This is turning into a very painful time for me. It seems as though I now have no other choice but to find some way to let go of and get over Tom. It is not going to work out. This is painfully obvious to me now. It hurts like hell. I cry every time I am alone. This is the first thing I am not sure if I can make it through or not. School starts on Tuesday and I am hoping it will help me to get through this thing. Paris has been in daycare a week and seems to be going well with it.



May 2

I met with Barbara today. We had lunch and talked. I felt very nervous, as though I was trying out for the role of sponsoree. But, after I left, I felt peaceful again, for awhile. It felt wonderful in the midst of all this pain. I continue to struggle with my relationship with Tom being over. I wanted to call very badly tonight but did not. In a way, I am scared to look at why this is so painful. I want to just be able to get by with saying it hurts because I love him but I am not naive enough to think this does not go deeper than that. For the time being though, I miss him and our relationship badly. I am having a difficult time showing others how bad this hurts. When I am alone, it is very easy to cry and let my feelings run over but in the presence of others, I feel guarded. This scares me because I know this is similar to old behavior. In the past, Tom was the person I felt most comfortable with when it came to letting down my walls and being completely vulnerable. Now, that is not an option. This situation most definitely feels as though it is one of the most painful because I feel completely and totally powerless. The decision to separate was not mine. It is not what I wanted at all. The deal with my mom is sad and disappointing but it is where I wanted to be. Andrew leaving was difficult but I never really took him into account or thought about his side of the picture until recently. But the separation with Tom goes against everything I wanted--although it probably doesn’t go against what I needed or it would not be happening.

Barbara asked me to write each day one thing I am grateful for at the end of each of my journal entries. I think, today, I am most grateful for the strength that has carried me through the day so I could function at some level. Even though right now I feel like I am just going through the motions, I am grateful today I was at least able to do so.




May 3

I started school today. I think I am going to enjoy it. It feels good to be doing something for myself again. I felt a little guilty and sad leaving Paris in daycare so early. I did not realize how much I enjoy our leisurely mornings. When I picked him up, he was pretty fussy and has been most of the night. It gets very stressful at times when he is crying uncontrollably. I think he may be sick or teething. I am going to keep on eye on him.

I want to call Tom again. As long as I keep busy, it does not bother me as much but when I stop, it all comes to the surface. I still do not want to let go of him and it is causing a lot of pain.

At this point I am finding it difficult to feel grateful for anything today. I am tired, stressed out after a full day of school and listening to Paris cry for two hours and not knowing what to do to help him, the relationship with a man I love and need is so screwed up the only way seems to be out, and I have been feeling depressed for almost five days now. Actually, honestly, I have been sad for years now and it seems to be coming to the surface finally. I guess I am at least grateful I can realize what it is I am feeling and what is going on inside so I have something to work with.



May 4

I had a difficult day today. I seem to be getting my fair share of them here lately.

Paris woke up almost every 1 1/2 hours last night with a fever. I got up and took him to daycare and they called me at school around noon because his temperature had gone up to 102.9. So I left school and took him to the doctor. He has an ear infection in his left ear. As of bedtime, he was doing better. Needless to say, I have been exhausted.

I am still in a lot of pain emotionally. It is as though all the sadness I have kept inside for so long is taking this time of being single to come out. It really sucks because after feeling this way for five days, I am starting to feel pretty lifeless. But, in it’s own way, I know it is good because I think this is the start of a healing process.

I still think about Tom a lot in my free time. I am in the stage where a lot of memories are running through my mind. I am grateful I have been granted enough strength to not call to get some quick fix.

I have therapy on Monday and I am really looking forward to it. I have a small inkling of the feeling I can pull through this in time.




May 5

Today has been a pretty good day. Paris seems to be feeling a little bit better. I am getting to know more people at school so I am starting to feel more comfortable. I seemed to be in a little less pain today. I actually felt like everything was going to be okay, or that I would be okay.

I don’t really want to write much because I need some sleep but today, I am just grateful for today.



May 8

I didn’t get a chance to write the last couple of days. Paris was with my mom so I was out a lot.

I picked him up this evening and ate dinner with my mom. I really dislike hanging out with her.



May 9

I met with my sponsor today and she asked me to write a little bit every day about love. It does not have to be anything in particular-just as long as love is involved.

So what I want to do first is look it up in Webster’s and think about the definition before I write on it. So I am going to do that tonight and start my love entries tomorrow.




May 10

I have been thinking about love today after reading the definition of it. What I have been trying to figure out is where does one draw one’s boundaries when they love somebody? How much do you tolerate and accept? How willing is one supposed to get when love for another is involved?

I have come up with a couple of answers I think. The first is that a line has to be drawn when my security is in question and, the other, I have to think about self love also. If I cannot continue to love myself or have any self respect, I probably need to draw the line.

Now, it is simple to know this in theory. What I feel I need to do now is put this theory into action. That is not quite as easy. I am finding it difficult to find a common element in the three situations I feel I am trying to do this in. It seems as though I am rapidly reaching my limit with my mom and I think that time is coming with Beth. I don’t seem to have gotten to that point yet with Tom. Of course, there are three different types of love involved. I think I need to turn this over in my mind a little more and examine my feelings about each relationship a bit more.

Something else I have been thinking about is how do I tell the difference between self-protection and self-destruction? The reason I wonder about this is because I feel like pulling away from Beth and I can not tell if this is protecting myself or a form of self-destruction.

One other thing. I am trying to discover what unconditional love means to me.

“To thine own self be true” keeps running through my head. I have a feeling the solution to all these questions I have right now lies in that principle.




May 11

I got a little frustrated tonight. Well actually, very frustrated. Paris was dog tired and battled going to bed again. I finally just let him up and he stayed awake until about 9:45, which means I end up staying up later, which means I get tired fast. It is nights like this I wonder how I am ever going to do all these things and maintain a good attitude. I think my love for Paris helps to keep me from losing my cool too much, my love for myself and what I am trying to do keeps me motivated, and the love and support I get from others has kept me strong.



May 15

My sponsor has asked me to write in my journal on a regular basis and that does not seem to be happening. By the time Paris goes to bed at 9:30 and I study, I am too tired to write. My fast pace caught up with me today. I was very tired and kind of low.

I hung out with Beth today and I did not enjoy it at all. It seemed very superficial and I was not comfortable. I think a number of things contribute to this. One, she is leaving in a week and I think I have pulled away some. Two, I have not really seen her all that much in the last month so our friendship isn’t really up to date. Three, our lives are on different paths.

I would like to go to a meeting soon because I am feeling disconnected and somewhat emotionally withdrawn. Not shut off; just withdrawn.

Things seem to be going okay with Tom. He has agreed to go to therapy once a month so that may help us sort through some of our stuff. I don’t see him that much and that seems to help. Being in school helps also because I don’t have time to sit around and get crazy when we do encounter a problem.

Life is actually going pretty smoothly and my feelings have been relatively stable.