May 16-30, 1994

May 16

I met with my sponsor, went to a meeting, and therapy, all in the same day. What I discovered is a lot of anger towards Tom. I have known for a while it is there. I believe now is the time it is meant to be dealt with.

Barbara asked me to write on my relationship with Tom-what my needs are, what my expectations are, what I feel I deserve in a relationship, etc. I don’t want to because I know if I am honest with myself I am not going to like some of the dynamics of my relationship with Tom.

I think the first thing I should do is remind myself I do love him. I say this now because I usually try to make everything black or white. I love him; I don’t love him. I need him too much; I don’t need him at all, etc. So regardless of what I discover on this little journey I want not to forget or kid myself out of my feelings for him.

The first thing that pops into my head when I think about my needs is the need to let who I am becoming grow stronger. To do this, I feel I need the freedom to explore myself, tolerance, and understanding when I make a mistake, and support with some degree of validation and recognition concerning what I am trying to do.

Or, put more simply, I would like to be accepted for who I am right now. I don’t feel as though this happens often with Tom. It seems as though I get cast as the bitch a lot. Granted, some times, I can more than fill those shoes; other times, not so much. Tom seems to have placed me there permanently. I am getting tired of accepting that role. In the past, I have always thought Tom was right because I knew next to nothing about myself. Now I know a little about myself; I am starting to disagree with some of his personality assessments. Something else I need is to be heard and not have my feelings brushed aside.

As I sit here and think, it does not seem many of my healthy needs get met. Evidently though I am getting something out of this. Security. I know I get security. I am scared of being alone and I am scared of doing what my mom has done by getting married six times. Part of me is scared to go through the pain I know I would feel losing Tom. I have felt it in bits and pieces when we have split up in the past and it hurts like hell.

I don’t really want to write anymore. I am starting to get very confused. Writing this has helped me to realize I have not thought much about my own needs. I need to get a better grasp on what they are I think.




May 17

Tom and I just got into a major argument. I feel crazy and angry.

(Later on...)

I called Barbara when Paris went to bed. It helped so much. I have gotten a little perspective and now I know a couple of things I can do to figure out what the next right thing to do is. Barbara said in situations like this she has been in, she first prays for guidance and strength to carry out actions. Then she writes the other person a very honest letter about how she feels to get some clarity. Somewhere along the way, what she should do is made clear to her. So that is what I am going to try.


May 20

Paris is with my mom this weekend. This is the first time she has kept him I have actually spent time at home with myself. I am enjoying it. I have felt pretty good the last couple of days. I have had an hour or two here and there that have not been so easy. I ended things with Tom on Tuesday. For some reason, this time feels different. It feels as if I finally made my decision to let go for good. I am not going to go to Young People’s Meeting without first leaving a message on his machine that I am going. He said he would not go to them if I could go. Hopefully, he will honor that agreement because I really do not want to see him-not until some time has gone by and I can handle myself better.


May 22

I seem to be having a difficult time determining what thoughts are truly mine and what thoughts are Tom’s. I went out dancing with Christi last night. I did not have a problem with it until I saw Tom at the meeting. He showed up there knowing I was going. He made some rude comments to me and....


May 24

I am a little confused as to what to do with myself now as far as relationships go. I know I don’t need to get involved in any heavy duty relationship but I would like to try dating. The confusion is because I don’t think I know how to date. I know I would need to keep that part of my life separate from motherhood. Paris does not need to be around multiple men.



May 25

I went to court today for child support. The judge awarded me $1200/month which I doubt I will ever see. I told my mom about it and, needless to say, she was not pleased. She does not agree with me seeking child support from Andrew. I do not think she realizes how much I am starting to dislike being dependent on her.

My friend Randy came over last night because he had walked out on his wife the night before and wanted to talk. He said he was close to drinking so I offered to let him sleep on my couch. He said he should get a room because he would not want to sleep on the couch. That made me very uncomfortable and now I need to let him know where my boundary is. I enjoy his friendship but I think if he has other feelings he should probably stay away until he gets over them. I don’t really think he has those feelings for me. I think his marriage lacks intimacy so he has been looking for it elsewhere. I think he enjoys our friendship too but he is treading on dangerous ground. I don’t want any part of it.

Beth called tonight. It was good to hear she is okay. She says she has gone to 8 meetings in 5 days and has found one she feels comfortable at. She is going to write and give her address to me so my phone bill isn’t outrageous.

I am feeling lonely. Beth is gone, Tom is out of my life, Randy is not good to be around right now, Christi and I are still building a friendship. My mom upset me when I told her how court went and she was not supportive of my decisions-once again. Now would be a good time to try to connect with my higher power better.




May 29

Things seem to have worked themselves out with Randy. He and his wife made up and I have not seen him since that night. We talked on the phone but that is about it. That is for the best right now.

Julie told me the other day that Tom talks about me a lot. Hearing about him made me miss him and get sad for awhile but I still have no intention of going back into that situation. I am enjoying being single-for the most part. I don’t really feel as angry towards him as I did when we first broke up. I am sure it is still there somewhere and it will show itself again.

I went out on a date with Heath, Christi’s cousin, last night. We got Chinese food to go and ate it at the Loudon dam. I enjoyed myself. It was very casual and relaxing. Christi kept Paris for me. I feel guilty for going somewhat because I did just get out of a relationship. Another part of me doesn’t feel guilty at all because I want to be able to act my age every now and again. The trick now is learning how to keep dating on a casual level. No sex can be involved. I know that. I don’t think at all that I am ready to do that yet.

I am going to try to make it to a meeting sometime this week. I have not been to one in a week.



May 30

Well it seems old patterns are harder to break than I thought. I had sex with Heath last night. I don’t really know what to say about it. I know this is the same pattern I went through with Andrew. I got involved with him right after Tom and I broke up, we had sex, I got pregnant, etc. The thing that makes this confusing is I do like Heath. I have known him for a while and have always wanted to get to know him better. I know that I most likely should not have slept with him. I have all this AA conditioning in my head that tells me I should stay away from this situation. I can even hear Tom’s voice in my head saying all the things he said when he found out I was seeing Andrew. So I know what AA says is right (although few individuals probably live that way themselves), I know what Tom would say is right, what I don’t know is what I feel to be right. Like I said earlier, sex was probably the wrong road to take, but as far as all the rest, I’m not sure. It feels like I am still dealing with my feelings, still examining myself, still trying to make changes, etc. I am having a really difficult time grasping onto what feels right.

My mom surprised me yesterday. She called for my advice. She was very emotional (actually crying) and asked me a lot of questions. She asked me about a therapist for her. I am trying to not get my expectations.....