And another new man begins to bite the dust...you have to give me an A for effort though! Thank god 20 is over!

June 8

Things have been going relatively well. Since I last wrote, my mom has decided to try to work things out with Billy. They start tomorrow in therapy. Ironically enough, they are going to go see the therapist Tom and I were going to use. Mom is coming to get Paris tomorrow afternoon to keep him for the weekend.

It is going well with Heath. He is easy to live around so far. He doesn’t operate the same way I do at times. He isn’t as analytical and all that stuff. At times, I enjoy it; other times, not. I am starting to care about him though. Things that seemed to bother me with Tom don’t seem to bother me with Heath. I believe it is because there is so much anger inside me when it comes to Tom.

School is going okay. I have been a little bored this week because I am having to do roller sets again because there are new students. This week is almost over thank god.




June 16

I did something yesterday that I think my mom is not going to be too happy about. I am scared to death about how she is going to react. I sold my car and bought a Jeep. It has made me realize a lot though. I hate the feeling having this money gives me. It is a constant struggle between frugality and excess. Right now, I would just like to be normal, living month to month.





June 17

I am in a funk tonight. Paris does not want to go to bed peacefully these days. Plus, I think he might be teething. Of course, I have thought that for five months now.

I am just a little bored tonight and I wanted to spend some time with Heath. He said he needed to run to the mall and get some shoes; he would come over soon. That was about four hours ago. It just gets a little tedious going to school every day and spending most of my nights alone. I think this is another of my ‘I just want to be a kid again with no responsibilities’ moods. Hopefully, it won’t last because feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere.

I saw Tom two nights ago at a meeting. It wasn’t too bad. He was riding with Julie and they followed me to Christi’s house so Julie could get a bassinet. He held Paris for a while and that was about it. We did not really speak and I have not thought much about it since. I guess this time I was ready to move on for real because, in the past, it was always hard to be around him. It wasn’t so bad this time.





June 20

I talked to Beth on the phone today and it depressed me some. She sounds as if she is doing really well which made me feel as if I am not. So I started to think about it and I have got to start keeping care of myself again. I need to start calling Barbara and go to at least one meeting a week. I need to start getting more rest also. With my life as busy as it is right now, I can’t afford to let myself get on dangerous ground. It could be too hard to get myself off of it.





June 22

My mom is supposed to be coming tomorrow to eat dinner with us. I’ll have to tell her about my car. I am scared of what she is going to do. I will just have to wait and see though.

Heath got his passport today so he will be leaving on the 29th for London. I am going to miss him, but maybe I can catch up on my sleep. He wrote me a song and I think it is beautiful. It is very slow and erotic. Every time I hear it, I smile and get all mushy inside. I think I might have lucked out with Heath. Isn’t that surprising? I did not think things would turn out this way. I decided tonight I would like to start spending more time at home. I am getting tired of running around and I don’t think it is fair to Paris to haul him all these places. Well, just to Christi’s house but still....

Also, I need to start budgeting better. I have been kind of extravagant with money lately. I also need to speak to Heath about paying rent and splitting bills. I don’t want to support him and, this way, money shouldn’t ever become an issue between us.





June 27

Today has been a crazy day. I went to therapy and realized I was starting to become shut off again. I have not been keeping very good care of myself. I made a decision to start.

Things are kind of weird with Heath right now. I don’t know how to explain it. I know that all this is brand new and that it will take some adjusting to. Right now, I am just trying to figure out what I need to do to keep care of myself. I know I wish he would include me in his life a little more than he is right now.