April 1993 -- This may be it for the weekend. Have an adventure planned. If you have the time, read from start to now & talk to me!!

April 2, 1993

Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!

I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.

AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.



April 6, 1993

How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.

B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.

T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.

I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.



April 11, 1993

It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.





April 13, 1993

Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.

I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.

T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.

All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.





April 17, 1993

I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.

I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.

T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?

My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.

My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.




April 24, 1993

It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.

I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.

I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.

I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.

I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.

I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.

I was 13 weeks today.





April 30, 1993

Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.

The dress rehearsal....

Do you remember when I said, at some point, all this was just the dress rehearsal for the last three years I lived through?

Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.

Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.