Life has never been the same since....

November 12, 1993

I know it has been a very long time since I wrote last. And, of course, a lot has happened.

Paris has been born. He is one month and two days old now. He is beautiful.

What I really need to write about is Andrew. I talked to him today for the first time since he left town. I called my lawyer to see if the remembered to get Paris a photo of Andrew and he had not. I called Andrew’s parents to get his number and they said they would have Andrew call me. I really did not think he would call. He called about 30 minutes later. It makes me very sad. If I am real honest with myself, part of me did not want Andrew to sign the parental release form, but to have him be around Paris. It was his choice to have nothing to do with Paris and he did sign voluntarily. I think the agreement might have been my idea because my feelings were hurt. I think his decision was made because his feelings were hurt.

And now Paris has to live with our actions. It was strange to hear his voice. I think, in my own way, I did love him but, I do know things would never work between us. I want him to acknowledge Paris is his. I want to know he is wondering about his child. I want to know he hurts.







November 22, 1993

I believe I need to begin taking a deeper look at all that has happened with me in the last eleven months. I am not quite sure how to go about doing so but I know I need to. All these feelings I keep inside about Andrew and being a parent are starting to come out sideways. I have got to get them out and deal with them. I must stop worrying about how certain feelings will look and sound to others and realize I am human. Whatever I feel needs to be acknowledged openly. The petty irritations are nothing but a smokescreen for the larger issues. I also need sleep and a lot of it for a continuos period of time. I get irritated real easy right now and I think it is a combination of fatigue and an overload of emotions.

Andrew leaving me hurt me more than I let myself or anyone else know. Parenthood is a huge adjustment that comes with a million different emotions. Tom and I are just as intense as ever and there are times I just want to give up. At times I feel as though I am barely keeping it all together. I certainly have taken a big bite of life and swallowed it. Now I am trying to keep it all down.







November 23, 1993

Things feel as though they are getting to be the way they were between Tom and I. It feels as though there are two separate sets of standards he uses: one for him and one for me. When I talk about how I feel about us, it is okay for him to respond, but, when he talks about his feelings concerning us, I am just supposed to listen and accept. That might not really be how it is, but that is the way I perceive it to be.

I have a very hard time talking to him because I feel as though he is talking circles around me and I get confused. I start to second guess myself and end up mind fucked. I begin to wonder if what I feel is even valid, and, at lot of times end up feeling just like I do with my mother-that I am overreacting, and what I’m thinking, saying, and doing is wrong or totally off base.