I'm Back!!! March 1994 cont...

March 21

Had another rough day emotionally. Something seems to be coming of it though. I am developing a theory: it will not kill me to go through some pain. If I go through this pain and, at the other side of it, I realize that what always sent me back to Tom in the past was fear, then I think a lot of the fear should be gone once I have felt my pain. This course will take faith and trust in my higher power to help pull me through. If I go through the pain and I realize I really do love Tom more than I thought, and it isn’t mostly my fear, then my love will still be there and whatever will happen will happen. Of one thing, I am sure. I must allow myself to go through the pain. It won’t kill me and I will learn a lot. I’ve tried the thing of going back and it does not work so it is time to try something different.

So, although today was rough, it was a little bit better than yesterday.




March 22

I felt better today. I went out to lunch with Beth and Josh, we acted goofy, and had some fun. It felt good but I felt guilty for not hanging out with Paris. I’m going to hang out with him tomorrow.

Andrew is coming to town on Saturday. Beth is going to come over when she gets off work and Christi is coming over that night to color my hair. I am anxious about how he is going to react to my decision to ask for child support. That is why I would like to have Beth and Christi here to support me. It is going to be strange to see him again. It has been a long time.

Beth is thinking about going out west for the summer. If she goes, I wonder who I am going to talk to? I know I will be okay but I do depend on her a lot for emotional support. I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge if I come to it.




March 24

There seems to be something about spring that causes relationships to get difficult. Tom and I broke up. Beth and Gerald split up; Kristen and Rob broke up. I miss Tom but I am not going to do anything about it. I can tell I am stressed out because I seem to have been short on patience this morning. It probably also has to do with the fact I am sick and getting bored. I am really looking forward to school starting. I think it will be good for me to start doing something for myself again.

Andrew is going to be here on Saturday. I am anxious about how he is going to react to being given the papers for child support. I’m hoping he won’t take it too badly but you never know. I’ll find out in two days. It is going to be really strange to see him again. I wonder how I am going to feel? Probably a lot of mixed emotions. I am trying very hard to not have too many expectations about what it is going to be like and what will happen. I’m interested in seeing how Andrew reacts to Paris. I wonder how he is feeling right now? He was supposed to call me a day or two before he came down to let me know when to expect him. I have not heard from him yet.

I’ve been thinking lately I need to get a sponsor. I have a lady in mind and I think I’ll go to a meeting on Monday and she if she is there or not. I need to start working a better program.




March 26

Andrew should be here in three hours. Wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m not going to serve him with the papers while he is here but at the airport when he is leaving Knoxville. I’m nervous, excited, scared. I’ll have to write more after he is gone.

I saw Tom last night for the first time in a week. We talked for awhile and we will probably talk some more but I don’t think I want to be with him right now. I’m not sure why I feel this way but it seems to be what I have been thinking most of the day. I guess I’ll just wait and see how that goes too.




March 27

What a weekend! Andrew has met Paris. Tom is out of my life for good (for a while at least).

Andrew got here about 3pm yesterday. He seemed to enjoy meeting Paris. He was pretty comfortable around him. He stayed until 9pm. We went out to lunch today and I told him about the child support. He didn’t seem too pleased but he did not seem to mind too much. I am taking him to the airport tomorrow and he will get the papers there. He knows this. I feel like I went about this the right way. I don’t know how long it will take for the support to start coming but at least the ball is rolling now.

Tom called about five times yesterday concerned about me being around Andrew. He does not trust me at all. After Andrew left we talked about what happened last week. After figuring out it had a lot to do with miscommunication, Tom assumed we would still be getting married on April 2nd of next year. I told him I did not want to get married and he said that was all he was willing to do with me (work towards marriage). So it is over. I am glad because I really do not want to be with Tom right now. I do not know how I will feel in the future but I imagine the same. Something just feels different.

I also discovered today that my fantasy about being with Andrew is nothing more than a fantasy. We are even less compatible than Tom and I. So it appears I am on my own. No relationship; no fantasy.

It feels good. At least for right now.




March 28

Andrew is gone now. I took him to the airport this morning. He said goodbye to Paris and left. He got the papers for child support at the airport. He’s not upset about it; at least, he did not seem to be.

Pam called this morning and said she could not come in today. I knew she would do this so when she called I told her not to bother to come in for the rest of the week.




March 29

I am having a difficult time with the Tom thing. I miss him a lot. I talked to him today to apologize for not talking to him about moving and to tell him he could babysit Paris after all. I don’t know if I am just feeling lonely and that is why I miss him or if it is something more. I know that a very large part of me is concerned with what everyone else will think or say if we were to get back together again. I know I really should not worry about that and just try to figure out what I need to do regardless of what people think. It is very confusing. He said he might come over and see Paris and I tomorrow night. I guess I will just have to wait and see how I feel then. I wonder how long things will be this crazy between us? Not for too much longer I hope. I know a large part of me is scared at the insecurity it seems a life with Tom could bring while, on the other hand, my life probably won’t be that secure once I start supporting myself.

Confusion, confusion. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want. Will I ever?




March 31

So much can happen in two days. My mom and Billy have split up again. He pulled another one of his scenes and hit her again. She is coming to stay with Paris and I on Friday and Saturday.

Paris had to go to the doctor and he has bronchitis so I won’t be going to ICYPAA. He is on antibiotics and cough medicine.

I am having an especially painful time with Tom. I’m not sure what it is all about. I want to be with him and I don’t want to be with him. It is very confusing.