Happy Birthday Ella Lee!!!! Ladies & gentlemen, Charity Lee at 19......

January 1, 1993. 12:15am, 1 Year & 1 Week Clean

I decided to stop writing on New Year’s Eve and start again on New Year’s Day. My perspective has changed a lot in the last couple of hours. The really cool thing about this New Year is not what I did or didn’t do or who I was with or any of that stuff. The really cool thing was how I felt. I feel good. And hopeful. And interested. And committed. And amazed. And delighted. And more cautious. And more accepting. And more open to my feelings. And exploratory. And grounded. And productive. I could go on, but I won’t.

B and I went out for 15 minutes tonight and almost everyone we saw was trashed. Except us. Except me. It was such an energizing feeling. For 18 years (well, not quite 18), I’ve wanted to feel as though I had put the right foot forward or turned a new leaf at the start of a new year. I always disappointed myself. But not this year. This year, I can put the right foot forward because I can stand. I can turn a new leaf because I’ve got the motivation to do so. I finally feel like I am on the right track.

I’m doing some things the way they were meant to be done. B and I are really starting to get close. T and I aren’t seeing each other anymore in a romantic way but are going to try and learn to be friends. That feels really good. He came over tonight and it was pretty easy to talk to him. A lot of the pressure is gone. I don’t know if that is going to work out, but I feel like I am finally at a space where I can accept my feelings. I don’t know if I love him, but I do know I need him to talk to. I know when we can be together, without relationship pressures, I really enjoy his company. I know I’ve missed talking to him and hanging out. I’ve missed having fun with him for a long time now. So we’re just going to try to be friends. He can see other people and so can I. We’ll talk on the phone and hang out and do whatever it is friends do. It’s not always going to be easy but it won’t always be hard either. So, I’ll see what happens and take it as it comes. Maybe, if it never works out romantically, we can be friends. Or, we may find out we can’t be friends because of our past. I’ll never know unless action is taken.

Happy New Year Charity!!!!