Sorry for the missing Jan-March 94...they seem to gave gotten lost over the years--

March 1, 1994

I feel crazy tonight. This is a new development because I felt pretty good most of the day. I think part of it is hormones because I started my period. I think the rest has a lot to do with my mom because she keeps being so negative about me marrying Tom. She just can’t be.....




March 3

I don’t feel crazy anymore for the time being. Tom and I spent the last three days together and it went all right. We had a couple of tense moments but I was very impressed with how we handled them. Nothing drastic was said or done and I was able to express how I felt and then not let it affect my attitude towards him. I have really enjoyed being with him. Our relationship seems to be maturing. It’s very nice to feel this.

Still having some problems with my mom. I have been looking at what has gone on in the past and it seems as though she has a hard time supporting me or encouraging me in the things I feel it is important for me to do. For instance, having Paris and marrying Tom. I don’t really understand all this yet. I don’t so much feel as though I need her approval anymore as I feel like I need to know she is proud of me for growing up some. But I guess that is approval.

I gave Pam her notice today. I told her I was putting Paris in daycare and that I could only keep her until the end of March. She was not too pleased and I think that she might have been trying to make me feel guilty for letting her go.

I need to start getting more honest. I have noticed lately I don’t always tell things like they actually happened. I try to make myself look good. This needs to stop because it is messing with my conscience.





March 6

Feeling crazy today. Lots of reasons. Last night my old sexual baggage came up again. It does not seem at times that Tom and I enjoy sex together. He says it feels like work to get me excited. I think that it takes more than he is willing or can do to get me off. I really need to bring up sex in therapy. It is something I never talk about.

Another thing-I feel bad about my body. I certainly do not look like I used to. That probably has a little bit to do with my sex problems. It seems as though I can’t stop eating things I know are bad for me. I wonder sometimes if I am developing some sort of eating disorder. I even thought about making myself throw up today. I have got to do something about this before I develop an eating disorder. I tell myself every day I’ve got to start taking better care of myself but I don’t do it. I’m getting what I consider chubby. I refuse to let this happen to me.

Another thing I feel crazy about is Tom being fine most of the time. It seems as though the only time I hear what is going on with him is when he is not on meds. I’m not sure if I want someone to feel crazy with me or if I want him to open up to me more. I would guess that it is both.

I still want to get married but I am getting scared. I wonder if I am mature enough to handle it. I am also starting to realize what a big adjustment it going to be to become financially independent. So much stuff and I am only 20. It is quite scary.

Still have not heard from Andrew. I am getting rather pissed all over again about the whole thing. I’m going to call my lawyer tomorrow about finding a lawyer in Tennessee.

Later...same day...

It is amazing how much better I feel after writing things down. I also prayed. I was thinking just a minute ago that if I had not found out I was having Paris, I most likely would not still be sober. I was certainly not doing all that great when I was seeing Andrew. I should try to remember that when I get discouraged and frustrated.





March 18

Another entry concerning the soap opera of Tom and Charity. As of yesterday, we are not getting married. No need to go into a whole lot of detail. Basically because I told him I felt I should start taking care of myself again by making my own decisions for a while without letting he nor my mother influence me so much, I am a whiner who is playing the victim. He says he does not respect me, he can’t stand that it takes me a while to process things, can’t stand the way I see things, and he feels it is only natural that he is above me. He said he had to play my counselor because I am beneath him and he has to pull me up.

I am pretty put out by the whole situation. My self-esteem is real shaky. I have felt angry and cynical most of the day. My feelings are very hurt but it has not really hit me yet. I do know this time I need to stay away no matter how bad it hurts or how scared I get. If I go back, I am only asking for more pain. I am sure it will get more difficult as the days go by.

Andrew is coming to town on Saturday March 26. I have decided to ask the court for child support. I’m not sure how he will react to it. I’ve told him I was thinking about doing it. He did not sound too pleased but he did not sound angry either. I guess I will see now it goes next weekend.




March 20

It’s hitting me more today. I broke down in tears just a minute ago. Paris was very fussy and did not want to go to sleep so he was pitching a fit and my patience just went out the door. I was so tired I could no longer keep my feelings at bay. I have been lonely all day long. I’ve called three or four people to see if they wanted to go somewhere to help keep me from going crazy, but nobody called me back. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I wish sometimes I had never fallen in love with Tom. It is starting to hurt like hell. It seems as though weekends are especially difficult times for me. Ever since I got sober, I have not been crazy about weekends. I usually feel so alone on weekends.

I wonder how long it is going to be this painful? I will be so grateful to start school in May. I need to have something else in my life besides parenting. I love Paris dearly but I need to be doing something for myself too. I have too much time on my hands.

Since it is May, let's have a December also. This one is long to get you guys through the weekend. May or may not have time to post up the next couple of days. Love.

December 14, 1993

I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. All the stress in my life is about to drive me crazy. Parenthood, relationships, and trying to take care of myself are all really taking their toll on me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. My behavior is really getting out of hand. It seems to come out on Tom the most. I do not understand my behavior with him a lot of the time. I believe a lot of it is motivated by fear. I am so scared he is going to decide doing all this with Paris and me is not what he really wants and I am going to lose him to a very self-centered life. Even though I know there is nothing I can do to make him decide this is what he wants, my actions indicate this is just what I am trying to do. I am thinking I need to spend less time trying to make sure Tom sticks around and more time worrying about taking care of myself. What are the things I need to do?

Go to more meetings.
Learn to walk away for a short time.
Write in my journal more.
Go back to therapy.
Ask for help more often.
Make time for myself.

Tom is getting his own place to live and he broke our engagement. I feel deserted and very hurt. I can’t stand the way I have been acting and I don’t know anymore how to be around him. It is hard to imagine going on from this point. I feel as if I have already lost him; my world has been blown out of the water. I know I have to allow him his space and time to do what he needs to do for himself. It would probably help me too but I am so goddamned scared of taking that step.





December 19, 1993

Some really intense things have been going on with me. Underneath all I do and feel is this sense of sadness. I want to cry but don’t seem to be able to. I feel tired most of the time. I am not very motivated. I feel frustrated with most things in my life right now: meetings, my mother, myself. I say this sadness is new but I don’t think it is. I believe it has been with me for a long time but it is just now I have the ability to feel it for what it truly is. I don’t think I know how to cope with it. I don’t even know what causes it. I do know it is there. I have to remember it and not shrug it off as just having a bad day. It must be dealt with over time.




December 20

Paris came home tonight and I was so happy to see him at last. I tried to talk to mom about her not having any respect for me, and, of course, she just shut down and ignored me. It is very pathetic behavior and it hurts my feelings immensely. It seems as though ever since Paris was born, I don’t exist for her anymore. She has her husband (yes, she married Billy again) and she has her grandchild. Her daughter is just a nuisance because her daughter gets in her face and challenges her way of thinking. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel as though the situation is hopeless. I know I have to draw the line somewhere so I think until I feel as though my mom respects my authority as a parent, I will only let her see Paris while I am around. I am very disappointed in her, but I should have known better than to expect much else out of her.

Tom says I need to open up and allow him to support me more. He’s right. I tend to keep things to myself and try to work through things alone. It is difficult to do this though. I have a very hard time letting my guard down for myself or anyone else. I know in order for us to have a good relationship, this is something I must work harder on.





December 21, 1993

Today is my first day back to the routine of Paris. It hasn’t been that bad so far. I am meeting Beth later for coffee. I am also going to try to make it to a meeting today at some point. I think I might try to get to one a day for a while. It could help me to feel better. I still feel distant from myself and have been thinking today I don’t know how to let someone support me emotionally. I know how to talk to someone but it is different to lean on someone. I’m going to have to talk to Tom about that tonight.

Mom called this morning and acted as though I had never said anything to her about not respecting me. I really hate that, but I have noticed most things about my mom that hurt my feelings and piss me off, are some of the exact same things I do. In order to understand myself, I need to understand her. In order to understand her, I need to understand myself. What a Catch-22.

I really get tired of having to deal with all this stuff. It seems like it never ends. But, of course, I have no choice but to deal with it if I don’t want to end up drunk or living my mom’s life all over again. So I will deal with it.





December 22

I am feeling really confused about some of the things in my life right now. Tom is one of them; my relationship with my mother is another.

I don’t want Tom to touch me at all right now and I feel very distant from him. I feel like I really want my space back. I don’t know if I am ready to deal with living with someone. I think I have a lot of hurt feelings and anger built up regarding him. I don’t know if I want to be alone or if I just want my space. I’ll get it on February 1st but it is really difficult at times right now. I think some of it has to do with him breaking off our engagement, and, I feel I let Tom think for me at times. When we have discussions about how we feel, I usually end up feeling so confused, it is just easier for me, in one way, to accept his way of thinking and let his perception be the way it is. I am not going to do anything drastic. I’ll ride it out until I am more aware of what is going on with me.

As far as mom goes, all I know to do is what I need to for my own peace of mind. I am still going to let her keep Paris because I know I need the breaks, but I’ll also tell her what I like and don’t like about how she is when she keeps him. I believe that is all I can realistically do. I can’t make her do anything and I am not willing to shut her out of mine or Paris’ life.

I am thinking about not going back to college and getting my cosmetology license. That way I can support Paris and myself until I figure out what I really want to be doing. It takes ten months to get it and they help you find a job when you are done. I feel strongly I need to stop depending on mom for all my financial needs. This is a decision I am going to put a lot of thought into. I don’t want to make any rash decisions about my future.

I think I need to practice putting more thought into all my decisions because, reading back over these last few journal entries, I see how much my thinking changes in just a few days. I believe doing this could cut down on my regret list a lot and I could end up more satisfied with the decisions I do make about things.





December 25, 1993

It really does not feel like Christmas to me at all. This is the first Christmas my family has not spent together. I went to Beth’s last night for Christmas dinner and it was a large gathering. I have always wanted a big family that got together on holidays and it makes me sad that my family is not close. I think I am longing for a sense of community and I don’t feel that at this particular point in my life, at least, not with my family. It is as though each part of my family is it’s own separate unit. I don’t think it should be that way.

Another thing, it seems my feelings towards Tom are shut off. Well, not entirely. One moment, he is irritating to me; the next, he isn’t. I am not sure what the deal is. I know I want my condo back. After someone is around for awhile, I want to live alone again. I gave him until February 1st to move and I will stick by that. As far as the rest goes, I don’t know. I’m not very sexually inclined right now. I am not even particularly affectionate. A couple of times today, I have looked at him and wondered why I was even with him at all. I’ll ride it out though. I wonder if I stay with him in part because he has convinced me I will be acting self-destructively by letting him out of my life? That’s something to talk to my therapist about.

Today is my two year sobriety date.

Imagine that.




December 26, 1993

Still feeling crazy and irritable. Still cannot put my finger on why. I’ve been thinking about Tom and me and I know I care for him but I don’t think I know what love is or what it means to love somebody. I believe that is something I need to figure out. Don’t know how to go about doing that without totally pushing him away. I’ve also been wondering about my motivation for getting back with Tom. I’m not so positive my motives were pure and I’m not so sure a relationship based on the wrong motives is one that will last.




December 27

I went to therapy today and it helped to clarify my thoughts a little. I actually felt pretty good until Tom walked in the door. As soon as he came in, I felt irritable and defended again. What is going on? Why do I start to feel this way around him? It is getting very old. We talked last night and I told him I needed some space. I felt better for awhile; now the irritation is back. All I know to do is go back step by step and see what led to the irritation. And, I think I’ll make this my therapy topic next week.

Therapy was good this week. It seems my old value system instilled by my mother and that life is engaged in a tug of war with the value system I have been developing since I got sober two years ago. This could be one cause of my irritation these days. Confusion does not sit well with me and could come out as irritation. Just a theory, but it sounds dead on to me. I am very glad I decided to get back into therapy. Life seems easier with a little clarity in it.
December 28, 1993

I talked to Tom last night about my irritation and it seemed to help. I feel now like I need to talk to Beth and apologize to her. I don’t feel as though I have been available for her lately and I haven’t been opening up much to her either. I also need to thank her for all her help with Paris.

Tom should be getting his own place soon. Lots of mixed feelings about that one. I want him to go and I don’t want him to go. But, him going will be best, for the both of us.

Bill C. called last night and said I should be able to move by March. That will be good. I’m ready for more space.

I had lunch with Christi today and I enjoyed myself. It tires me out but I feel better emotionally if I can get out of the house for a while every other day or so.

I met Tom at Java around 5pm and he said he wasn’t going to a meeting because he wanted to stay home and spend time with Paris and me, play music and stuff. So what has he been doing since he got home? Sleeping. Needless to say, my feelings are hurt and I am irritated again. He said he was going to nap for an hour and I was cool with that, but now, it has been two. He set the alarm; it went off. He hit snooze; it went off again. He hit snooze. I finally turned the alarm off myself because I don’t want it to wake up Paris. I will be glad to live alone again. I really wonder if it is worth it to be in a relationship at this point in my life.

I sold my Proffitt’s stock today and had Paul L. set up a savings account with the money. He is going to send me a checkbook for it and I think I’ll use the money to pay my tuition at TN School of Beauty. In the future, my dividend checks will go into that account instead of me getting a check for $30 or so. My mom knew I was going to sell the stock but she told me to invest the money in something else. I wonder how she will take it when I tell her what I am doing with it? I guess time will tell.




December 29, 1993

History repeats itself. Tom and I are no longer seeing one another. I won’t go into details but basically he said if I can’t commit to changing my attitude, mood, or behavior, then I needed to let him go. So I let him go. I can’t commit to that. I honestly think I do care for Tom but I don’t love him like he wants me to. I feel relieved. I had been thinking about this a couple of days and, even though I feel he pressed the issue, it is good because I would have dragged it out longer than necessary. This way, there is a lot less pain involved, or, at least, less unnecessary pain.



December 30, 1993

I told Tom he had to be gone by Saturday, Jan 1st. His stuff can stay until Feb 1st. Of course, he did not take it well but that is his problem. I was not comfortable with him here and I think I have the right to do this considering it is my house and all. I told him I would pay for him to stay in a rooming house or he could find his own place to stay. I think he is going to find his own place to stay. So it’s over. Now begins the long process of putting myself back together and figuring out where I go wrong in relationships with men.

Fun, fun.



December 31

So it is New Year’s Eve. Tom has moved his stuff out. He is gone. It is over. I feel sad, but now, I can start out my new year fresh. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself now though. Being involved with someone ties up a lot of time. But I am sure I will make do. I expected this would not last. My motives were wrong.

It’s funny....but he doesn’t irritate me now.

Life has never been the same since....

November 12, 1993

I know it has been a very long time since I wrote last. And, of course, a lot has happened.

Paris has been born. He is one month and two days old now. He is beautiful.

What I really need to write about is Andrew. I talked to him today for the first time since he left town. I called my lawyer to see if the remembered to get Paris a photo of Andrew and he had not. I called Andrew’s parents to get his number and they said they would have Andrew call me. I really did not think he would call. He called about 30 minutes later. It makes me very sad. If I am real honest with myself, part of me did not want Andrew to sign the parental release form, but to have him be around Paris. It was his choice to have nothing to do with Paris and he did sign voluntarily. I think the agreement might have been my idea because my feelings were hurt. I think his decision was made because his feelings were hurt.

And now Paris has to live with our actions. It was strange to hear his voice. I think, in my own way, I did love him but, I do know things would never work between us. I want him to acknowledge Paris is his. I want to know he is wondering about his child. I want to know he hurts.







November 22, 1993

I believe I need to begin taking a deeper look at all that has happened with me in the last eleven months. I am not quite sure how to go about doing so but I know I need to. All these feelings I keep inside about Andrew and being a parent are starting to come out sideways. I have got to get them out and deal with them. I must stop worrying about how certain feelings will look and sound to others and realize I am human. Whatever I feel needs to be acknowledged openly. The petty irritations are nothing but a smokescreen for the larger issues. I also need sleep and a lot of it for a continuos period of time. I get irritated real easy right now and I think it is a combination of fatigue and an overload of emotions.

Andrew leaving me hurt me more than I let myself or anyone else know. Parenthood is a huge adjustment that comes with a million different emotions. Tom and I are just as intense as ever and there are times I just want to give up. At times I feel as though I am barely keeping it all together. I certainly have taken a big bite of life and swallowed it. Now I am trying to keep it all down.







November 23, 1993

Things feel as though they are getting to be the way they were between Tom and I. It feels as though there are two separate sets of standards he uses: one for him and one for me. When I talk about how I feel about us, it is okay for him to respond, but, when he talks about his feelings concerning us, I am just supposed to listen and accept. That might not really be how it is, but that is the way I perceive it to be.

I have a very hard time talking to him because I feel as though he is talking circles around me and I get confused. I start to second guess myself and end up mind fucked. I begin to wonder if what I feel is even valid, and, at lot of times end up feeling just like I do with my mother-that I am overreacting, and what I’m thinking, saying, and doing is wrong or totally off base.

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Love and hugs to all.

Charity

October 1993...the month I gave birth to the child born to save and then destroy my life...

October 2, 1993

My mom came up on Friday, spent the night, and left today. I have been feeling lonely most of the evening. It is not a pleasant feeling and one that I can do nothing about at the time. So all I know to do is just acknowledge I feel lonely and go on.

I expect I will be going through some pretty difficult and strange spaces in the next month waiting for Paris to arrive. Having one’s first child is a major change. Having one’s first child alone is quite scary. Now it is October; it isn’t that far away. Papa’s birthday is in 17 days, mine is in 24, and Paris is due in 28. I can’t believe it is finally here. I wish the birth process would hurry up and begin. My ankles swelled up so bad today it hurt to even bend them. Clothes are almost out of the question; almost nothing fits. I am going to break down and go look at maternity clothes on Monday. Sleep is sketchy because I have to get up pee so much during the night. Let me assure you, it will be a long, long time before I have another baby. If I were to feel like having sex without birth control, all I need to do is remember how I felt at nine months pregnant. Today is my 36 week mark.

Still thinking about Tom a lot but have not done anything about it. I have been trying to decide if I am going to call him Monday or just wait and see if he will call me. I think I will try not to call him and let the ball be in his court. It is going to be difficult to work this one out. What a sticky situation it is. But I know taking it slow will work out for the best because it will give me time to figure out what I feel and what my motives are. This situation does not need to be the main focus of my life right now, although I’m not sure what the main focus should be. Maybe I should just relax and try to take it easy.







October 6, 1993

I went to the doctor yesterday and had my first internal exam. I am already dilated one centimeter and 80% of the mucus covering my cervix is gone. Dr. E. thinks I might go into labor before my due date. That would be wonderful!!!!

Ever since I left there yesterday I have been bleeding and cramping. I called today and was told that if it hadn’t stopped by tomorrow to call back. I think the bleeding has stopped and the cramping comes and goes. My mom is coming up next Tuesday to go to the doctor with me and I might go ahead and induce labor. I don’t know though. I’m still thinking about that one. I’ve started to make a list of pros and cons. So far, my pro list is longer.

Tom and I are not speaking again although this time it wasn’t because of an argument. I think Tia had something to do with manipulating the situation but I do not know that for certain. Somebody lied to Tom and said I had stated in a meeting I was getting back together with someone from my past, which he assumed was him. I never said anything even similar to that. So he called to tell me, very pointedly, that we were not getting back together, could not hang out together, could not even really speak to one another; at most, all we could really do was say hi to one another at a meeting. He said he was not going to jeopardize his relationship with Tia. I thought both he and Tia were secure in their relationship. That is the impression she gave me. If it is so secure, why would Tom and I being friends jeopardize what they have? I think I’ll ask that question when I get a chance to.

I’m not quite sure how I feel about this whole thing yet. It only happened yesterday. It has not quite cleared yet. I know part of me is ticked off. I make enough mistakes on my own. I don’t like people making things up about me. I know what is true, and what isn’t, but I still care, to some degree, what others think. It also bothers me because I think Tom and I could have reached some common ground this time and somebody helped to fuck that up. Fate seems to be against us. I have decided to sit back and see what happens. I’d like to tell Tia exactly what I think of her and her actions, but I do not know for sure it was her. Besides, if it was her, karma always works. Relationships based on lies do not work. I know that for a fact. As far as Tom is concerned, I don’t know. I feel I was honest and did nothing wrong that would, in any way, damage his thing with Tia. I would like to be able to get along with him but the ball is in his court. I am going to continue to sort out my feelings about it and go on with my life. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for him to open his eyes.

Even though things are the way they are, I feel I have taken a big step in the right direction. I’ve been honest; I’ve been real. I haven’t shut off and I think I handled myself well. It feels good to know I am making progress with all that.

Sorry for the delay...some days are really bad.

September 2, 1993

I saw Tom and Tia together for the first time tonight. It left me feeling sad. I expected this, but it is still unnerving. I know I would not ever want Tom back but I think it reminded me I get lonely for companionship of that sort. But, of course, I know I have no choice but to be patient in this matter. I am sure when the right someone comes along, I will know. I think a lot of what it was is that I felt left out. Beth was going to watch movies at a friend of ours house and no one invited me because Tom and Tia were going. I am not a baby.

So now I feel even more like my life is going somewhere else than most of the people I know because I am having a baby. Or something like that. I do think it is as much me as them though. I feel different. Kind of disjointed. I have felt this way before so I know I will be okay. I will eventually find where I fit in again.

Never fear, I always persevere.






September 7, 1993

Home again! Thank god. I went to NYC this weekend with Boyce and I am so glad to be home. Or maybe I should say Boyce went to NYC with me. Do you know he did not bring ANY money with him to NY? I can still hardly believe it myself. Needless to say, this trip convinced me he is not someone I would want to get involved with. He seems...slick. I can’t quite describe why I think that but it is just a feeling I get. I am glad I took some time getting to know him first.

I talked to Beth some about her pregnancy and how I feel about it. I don’t really feel any better because I don’t really feel like we are connecting anymore. It could just be because I am tired but I think it is also that we don’t have a lot in common anymore. Things are a lot different now for both of us. I just cannot stomach a lot of what she does and I don’t feel like she can really relate to me anymore. I am not going to force the issue. I am just going to wait and see what happens.

Andrew called my lawyer on Friday and told him he was going to get the paper signed and in the mail this week. We will see. I know it is for the best because Paris does not need a part-time father but I still feel rejected. It’s a paradox. I don’t want Andrew but I wonder what is wrong with Paris and me to make us undesirable. I know, logically, it is nothing that is wrong with us but, emotionally, it still hurts.








September 10, 1993

I have had one of those think and feel days. I finally told Beth how I feel about her being pregnant and that I am not the one to help her through this. It is not that I don’t care but my own personal feelings stand in the way of me being an effective support person. I don’t know where this leaves our friendship. All I can do now is sit back and see what happens. I believe, if we are as close as we think, it will be worked out over time. If not, it won’t. So although I feel better about standing true to my beliefs and all, I feel sad at the same time because I don’t know if I lost a friend or not.

Then I had someone ask me later on why I had been keeping people out lately? That is a really good question. I know I have my hard times but I haven’t really been letting anyone else know I have had my hard times. I know I need to try and change that and I am sure I will. I am seriously contemplating calling Debbie at Agape and seeing if she will sponsor me. Imagine that, me with a sponsor. I also got a card in the mail about that single parent group and I think I am going to go. Christi said she would go with me.






September 13, 1993

After spending most of the weekend trying to figure out if I did the right thing with Beth, I realized I probably did not because it was causing me so much grief.






September 22, 1993

Five weeks left. Five very short weeks. Then, my whole life will be different. At least, in some ways. Lately I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I am not sure why. I’ll go to two meeting a day and I have been staying at the cancer center a lot working. I believe I am just trying to cram as much as possible in before Paris is born because, for some insane reason, I think sometimes my life is going to be over when Paris finally gets here. I know it is insane. Life will change but it will not end. Of that, I am sure.

I know deep down what I am experiencing is fear of the unknown and that I just need to chill out. I’ve done relatively well with my life the last 21 months so I see no reason why it would not continue to be so. I know once Paris arrives, parenthood will become more like second nature as I get into the swing of it.

I drove to Atlanta and back yesterday to pick out my mom’s Christmas present. It was very tiring but at least it is done now. This was the best time to do it because she is out of the country. I got a ring that is really three rings melded together, and, on each ring, will be one of our names and birth years. I think she will like it. Mr. Harp gave me the money out of my money market.

I saw Andrew’s dad today at the cancer center. I was in the office and he was sitting on the balcony of the apartment he is staying in. I know he saw me but I do not know if he recognized me or not. Probably not. I felt bad for him.

When you get a chance to see people that don’t know they are being watched, you can see them let their guard down. He looked tired and lonely. He was smoking and when I met him a long time ago, he had quit because of his health. That is what Andrew told me. So he obviously must be under a lot of stress. I would be if Paris were to jump off a building in order to die. It would break my heart. But there is nothing I can do for Mr. Smith with the legal situation the way it is.

Speaking of Andrew, I talked to my lawyer yesterday and asked him to try and get a recent picture of Andrew for me to give to Paris when he is older. I know he will want, at least, to know what his dad looked like and I won’t be able to show him.






September 30, 1993

The last couple of days have been crazy but I seem to be finally settling down. So much has gone on emotionally I am not sure where to begin.

Starting about two weeks ago, I began thinking about Tom again. At first, I thought it was just a phase because I was lonely or some reason like that. But it didn’t stop. I started having dreams with him in them and, when I was awake, our relationship was always in the back of my mind. So I talked to Beth and Christi to see what they thought and finally decided what I needed to do was get some closure on the relationship. So I wrote Tom a letter- a 10 page letter -then called and asked him to meet me somewhere. He did and we talked for three hours on Tuesday. Then we talked again last night. Now I am not so sure that what I want is closure. Actually, if I am real honest, I am not exactly sure what I want. Part of me thinks I might want him back but, part of me thinks I just want to be friends. But the cool thing is that we are talking and actually getting along. Today, at least, I seem to be feeling a special softness for him. There is nothing I can do about it though. He is with Tia now and I am having Paris in four weeks. We are just going to be friendly to one another and, if I ever need him or want to talk, I’ll call work and he knows he can call me if he wants to. I do not know where all this is going to end up, if anywhere at all. In a way, I feel good about it all and, in a way, I feel real sad. I feel good because we have been able to be real honest about feelings, at least I know I have, but I feel sad because, when I finally get to the point where I know how I feel or even how to feel, circumstances are all wrong.

Really though, it isn’t all wrong. We are getting along quite well. Now I know that just because you love somebody, it does not mean you can be with them. And I really hate to think of Tom with Tia. I don’t buy her and I get the impression Tom is settling for something. I don’t want that for him. Even if he isn’t meant to be with me, I would like to know he is getting something that was what he wanted. He keeps telling me Tia is low risk and, for some reason, that just sounds bad. Of course,  a lot of how I feel is based on jealousy. I don’t know for sure that it is Tom I want back. I know at this point I would like to be able to get along with him. I don’t know at what level. I know I would like to be able to share my life with someone but not just anyone. Today, I have certain standards and specific needs and wants.

I’m just going to try and take it easy and do what is best for me and my child.

New Posts Coming Soon!!

Butterfly Flits will resume this evening. I was on patrol with the SAPD Saturday night so my schedule gets a little backwards.

Have a great day and stay safe.

August 1993 : Drama while under the influence of pregnancy hormones

August 4, 1993

The beginning of a brand new journal. Pretty appropriate considering I am on my way to a brand new life with baby soon. It gets closer and closer each day. And more and more real. I pre-admitted myself to the hospital on Monday and that was real strange. It brought reality very close. Even stranger was when Mom and I went on our tour of the hospital where Paris is to be born. I got to see a newborn and it was precious and so very tiny. All I could think was that I would have one of those soon. It is a very delightfully scary thought.

Beth told me the other day Andrew is supposed to be coming to town. She didn’t know when. Our friend Lori works with one of his brothers and that is what he told her. That is really the last thing I want to have to deal with. Hopefully, he won’t stay long. At first, I was real scared and didn’t want to have to deal with it. Now, I still don’t like the idea very much but at least now I know his popping up somewhere is a possibility.

I think my initial reaction to the news has helped me decide about moving. I am still not sure but the scales are leaning in favor of Atlanta. Down there, I would not have to worry about running into Andrew or any of his family. I still get scared to death at the thought of moving back because I would have to adjust all over again. I know I could do it though. I think it will turn out okay wherever I am. I know I would not want to stay with my mom. I would need to feel more autonomous than that. I am too used to being on my own. But, of course, that decision does not have to be made until Paris is born, which is for the best I suppose.

My mom finally got her divorce. She is no longer married to Billy. Thank god. I sent her 1/2 a dozen red roses and a card to let her know I love her and will always have time for her if she needs me. I am sure she is probably relieved but she probably has a lot of mixed emotions too. I am glad it is over but sad she is alone. It would be really nice if she could find someone to share her life with.







August 8, 1993

Today was the day of my baby shower. I enjoyed it for the most part but the people who said they were going to show up, didn’t. Most of them didn’t anyway. But it did turn out okay. I got some nice gifts and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves but I am very tired now. Beth bought Paris his first pair of Keds. They are so cute! She kept the receipt in case they don’t fit.

I am still confused about this whole moving thing. I am going to go ahead and send my applications off to GA State and plan on moving to Atlanta. I think I am just scared. I’ll need to make all new friends. I’ll have to find my way around a new school. I’ll have to not let my mom take over Paris. I think that one is the one that gets me the most. I’ve been thinking about calling Debbie, my old counselor from Agape, and talking to her about it. Of course, I should talk to my mom about it too.

I think Andrew is coming to town on the 13th. I was doing my volunteer work Friday and a social worker called about getting one of the apartments for his family for one week. I could be wrong but I would imagine that, if he is coming, it would be then. Sarah is going to let me know if they are staying and I would not work that week. I don’t need to be around Andrew or his family. A part of me wants to go ahead and work anyway but, that is the part of me that likes chaos. I know better than to feed into that now. I think I might have learned my lesson.

I have been feeling lonely for male companionship lately. It’s the last thing I need right now, but still. Of course I won’t actually seek it out because that would be asking for chaos.

School is over on the 11th. Then, all I will be doing is volunteer work and waiting for Paris to be born. It gets closer and closer each day. I have started my eighth month of pregnancy. Weird. Yet cool.





August 9, 1993

My mom called me today and wanted to talk about moving to Atlanta. She said she thought it would be a good idea for me to live at home for a while. She said I could have her room; she would stay in my room, Paris could have his nursery in the space behind the fireplace, and Larry would be downstairs. She said she didn’t want to invest any more money into Fulton Co.

I just don’t know how I feel about it. She says she is hardly ever home, but still. On the one hand, I think it would be okay for six months or so, but, on the other, I don’t. It is too far away from meetings and, for some reason, I feel like I need to establish my own home with Paris. I can’t quite explain it. This is all very confusing. I have struggled for two years almost to forge my own identity for myself and, for some reason, I feel like it would be very hard to keep it around my mom. Or just living in her home. I feel like I need my own space that I can give to my child, not my mom’s space that Paris and I are both staying in. Even if it is only a rented space.

My mom keeps talking about economics, but I am more concerned with emotions. Mostly mine. If I do not feel okay then Paris won’t feel okay. I know I need to do what feels right for me. Even if I live in Vinings, that is not too far away from my mom, so she could see Paris all the time.

Of course, I am going to do more thinking and talking until my mind is made up. Or is my mind already made up? I think it might be. I’ll stay in touch.






August 11, 1993

Today was my last day of school for a while. Now all I have to do is volunteer work and waiting to become a mother. It just keeps getting more and more real. And more and more scary. I know I will be able to do it though. What it feels like is stage fright. I know once I get on stage, everything will be fine. Kind of like a bad case of the jitters.

I went to Sequoyah last night and talked about being scared and it seemed to help a bit. I am just going to keep talking about it and try to go with the flow more. I still think it would be a good idea to call Debbie and talk to her about it too. I think she might be able to give me more of a professional and objective opinion. It’s weird, but this all doesn’t seem to be making me as crazy or scared since I voiced it was making me crazy and scared.

I think Andrew is supposed to be in town Friday but I am not sure. I know parts of his family are on the waiting list to stay at the Fellowship Center, but I don’t know if they are staying or not. And I don’t know for sure that he is coming to Knoxville. I’ll just have to wait and see. Surprisingly, that has been on my mind very little. Sometimes, it is easier to deal with other people than myself.

Beth has been talking to Gerald again. It really does not surprise me. After some of the things he did to her, I’m wondering why, but I really have no room to talk. If she just wants to be friends, I think she will find it is not possible, but, I would not be surprised if they get back together again. Maybe a tad disappointed but not surprised. I don’t know if Beth has noticed it or not, but she really hasn’t been single since she and Gerald split up. These has always been something going on. Gerald, Neal, Benny, and possibly back to Gerald. For some reason, that bothers me and I am not sure why.







August 21, 1993

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Where to begin?

Beth found out she is pregnant. Again. This time, the baby belongs to Benny. She hasn’t decided if she is going to keep it. I think her body is going to make that decision for her because I talked to her today and she is spotting. I believe that after all the abortions she has had, her body is most likely messed up. I could be wrong. I don’t think she needs to have a baby but, then, on the other hand, I think it is wrong to have another abortion. She has had six already and one miscarriage. One would think she had learned something about birth control by now. Once again, I am in a position where I don’t agree at all with my best friend’s lifestyle but she is my friend. Where do I draw the line?

I told Boyce the other night I was attracted to him but that I could be his friend only. I had to be honest with him in order not to be uncomfortable around him. He basically said ditto. He is flying down to Atlanta on Thursday the 26th to meet me here and then my mom, Boyce, Larry, and I are driving to Destin for the weekend. Then Boyce and I fly back to Knoxville on Sunday the 29th. I’m nervous because I like him and he seems to like me, but we both have different agendas. I, for one, am 8 months pregnant with my first child, and he thinks he is in love with some girl in Canada. I would not get involved with him even if I weren’t pregnant because I refuse to be anyone’s second choice. If he really wanted me, he would have to be very convincing. Now that Paris is almost here, I have to be very careful about getting involved with people. Whomever I am with will influence Paris, sometimes directly, other times indirectly. I have to be a lot more careful than I ever was in the past.

My mom and I just spent 1 1/2 days in Dallas. It wasn’t that exciting so we came home a day early. I’ll be staying in Atlanta for about a week, then Destin, then home. When I get back to Knoxville, I am going to start looking for a house.





August 31, 1993

I got back from my “vacation” two days ago and, of course, I was exhausted. I do more at my mom’s house than I do here. I enjoyed myself though. We only stayed at the beach one day because two of the mares foaled a month early. Lucky them.

My mom and Boyce really hit it off. I have to admit I was somewhat jealous. They seemed so comfortable together and I feel uncomfortable with him a lot. Now that I have spent a weekend with him, I don’t think he is someone I can stay attracted to. I do enjoy hanging out with him though. This weekend we are going to NYC. My mom and Larry were originally going but Larry moved back in with that girl on the spur of the moment before we went to Destin so my mom gave the tickets to Boyce and I. I’m looking forward to going to NYC with a friend instead of my mom. The last time I went without her I was on drugs so I didn’t do much. I am a little wary about sharing a room with Boyce, but it should be okay. Mom is supposed to call so there are double beds in the room.

I am not going to be doing my volunteer work for a while. Sarah called me yesterday to let me know the Smith’s are at the Fellowship Center. So now I really do have to find something to do with myself until Paris gets here. Or at least until the Smith’s leave the Center. I’m tempted to just go ahead and work anyway but that probably would not be a good idea at this point. I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.

Beth still has not done anything about her pregnancy. She went to the emergency room over the weekend, while I was gone, because she was bleeding but she says it has stopped. She says she is just going to wait until she is about 7 weeks and, if she has not lost the baby, then she will have an abortion. She really should not have the baby. She has not quit smoking or drinking caffeine. She does not have a doctor, has not been taking vitamins, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on. Part of me is really disgusted; part of me is her best friend. Sometimes, it is hard to know what to do or say in this situation.

Only eight weeks left until Paris is born!!!

I can hardly wait!!!!

I love him and I am very glad I am pregnant with him, but I am ready to meet him. And to wear blue jeans again.

Hello new readers!! Thank you for your time!! Here is the rest of July 1993...the story and I are growing bigger together.

July 19, 1993

I was out of town again for the entire weekend. I have not been in town any weekend in July so far. This time I went to Destin. My mom brought Kristy and Austin with her. It was okay, at first, but, as the weekend went on, it got old. I just really can’t stand the way Kristy is with Austin. I’m not particularly fond of Austin either. He has no manners whatsoever. It is very hard to enjoy a meal when his mouth is wide open and he has food in it. He just wasn’t brought up that way.

I ate dinner with Christi tonight and she told me Christy W. is drinking again. I thought she would start back one day.







July 20, 1993

I stopped writing yesterday because I was tired. So I’ll start again now.

Like I left off with, Christy W. is drinking again. I was told today this has been going on since April. It really does not surprise me at all. It comes as no shock.

Tomorrow is Beth’s 23rd birthday. I met her at Java tonight and gave her a present. We did not get a chance to talk much because Donovan sat down with us. I really just don’t have much to say to him. He seems so wrapped up in appearance that he seems to have forgotten about substance. That gets old. Fast. We all wear masks but it is bad to start thinking the mask is who you are deep down.

I feel kind of restless in the Old City. I really don’t enjoy hanging out down there anymore. I’m over that whole scene. I want more than that. I think some of it has to do with my physical state also. I get pretty uncomfortable here lately. And talk about hot! god, I feel fried at times.

My mom called me tonight and told me Mamasam tried to give my dad’s wedding ring to Reagan to give to Lucio because he does not have one. I know she has lost her mind now. So I am supposed to call Papa tomorrow and tell him I would like to have it. Can you imagine what was possibly running through Mamasam’s head? I wonder if she even remembered who it belonged to? I would be really upset if Reagan had taken and given that ring to Lucio. Maybe I’ll hold onto it and give it to whomever I marry. Or maybe, I’ll hang onto it for Paris to use when he gets married.

Well, it is time to go to bed. Write again in a couple of days.








July 24, 1993

I would have written earlier but I had a paper due on Thursday that took up most of my time. So I wrote my paper on Wednesday and kept Jessica for Christi. She went out dancing. I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon.

Beth and I hung out most of the day Friday and I enjoyed myself most of the time. She did one thing on our way home that really turned me off to her company. She urinated in an alley in downtown Knoxville. It was quite gross. I dropped her off in the Old City because she saw this guy named Benny that she is kind of seeing.

It must be in my cards to be single right now. Beth meets guys right and left and I haven’t met one since Andrew left. Of course I am pregnant. It is really no big deal right now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

Tom called me on Wednesday to ask me not to go to Sequoyah meetings anymore. I told him no. He proceeded to be a total asshole to me. What’s new? At any rate, he really hurt my feelings. I cried really hard for awhile; then built myself back up. I really do think Tom has some serious emotional problems and I just want him to stay away from me. If he calls again, I’m going to hang up. If I see him, I’ll ignore him. I know, in the past, I did things to instigate some of Tom’s outbursts, but this time, it was pure attack. It was very uncalled for. Between Tom and Andrew, I am convinced I need to get to know people better before I become involved with them.

Paris is as active as ever. Today is his twenty-six week birthday. He’s moving around right now. He has patterns. He usually moves around lunchtime and late at night, like 11 or 12. Then again, in the morning around 8 or 9. It’s the most wonderful feeling and it is so strange to look in a mirror and realize that my son is inside my body. Imagine! A tiny human body and spirit is inside me!! It is truly amazing to experience. I am so looking forward to seeing him for the first time. Well, I guess it won’t be the first time because of the two ultrasounds, but that is not the same thing.

Imagine what it will be like to hold him for the first time!! Not much longer now!!






July 26, 1993

Not much has happened but I still feel the need to write. I went to a women’s meeting tonight at the Flat Iron. I enjoyed it, for the most part. There were a couple of women there who were having problems with their children and it is good to know I might not have as rough a time. One lady had only 45 days clean and is going to go to treatment. She has a 10 year old boy. At least, if I stay sober, I won’t subject Paris to those kinds of things. He doesn’t ever have to see his mama in that way.

This whole thing about moving to Atlanta is starting to get to me. I really dislike not knowing what I am going to do. I know the decision does not need to be made for awhile but I like everything to be taken care of immediately. I believe, if I really think about it, I know I am going back to Atlanta but I am scared. All my friends are in Knoxville, school is here, I got sober here. I guess I just feel safe here, which is a good reason to stay. But, on the other hand, my family is in Atlanta. I know I can go to school in Atlanta and I know I have it in me to make new friends. I just don’t know if I want Paris to grow up in Knoxville TN. If I go to Atlanta, my mom can help me with Paris and I can work for Mr. Harp some so I would feel like I was doing something for my money.

I know the thing to do is just be patient and wait and see how things go after Paris is born. That is really my only option right now.








July 31, 1993

Today is the last day of July and that means my due date is that much closer. Time goes by so fast. My baby shower is next weekend. It all just kind of slips up on me. I’m already at 27 weeks and starting on my bi-monthly doctor visits. My mom came up yesterday and went to the doctor with me again. I had to do a glucose screening, which was fine, and get a shot because I have A- type blood. Then I did another ultrasound and Paris is definitely a Paris! I’m very happy to hear that!! My mom and I went on a tour of the hospital and it made all this seem very much more real. I am actually having a baby. I’m scared to death but I can’t wait! There was a little newborn in the nursery and they are so small and precious. Paris is going to be such a gift to me. Quite a handful, but a gift nonetheless. Mr. Harp sent up a huge baby shower present. I am dying to open it but I am supposed to wait until later so I am going to try and wait.

I was talking to my mom about Andrew today and he still has not signed my paper. My lawyer seems to think if he still has not signed after the baby is born, the best thing to do is threaten him with child support payments unless he signs the parental release form. That would probably work but what if that backfired on me? I do not want to go through all of that and I certainly don’t want to put Paris through it either. This is another situation that calls for patience, just like moving. Wait and see tactics. I really get tired of waiting but, sometimes, I have no alternative in this matter.

Beth is okay I believe. She’s seeing someone else already. His name is Benny and, of course, she has already slept with him without birth control. Even though it sounds hypocritical, that really gets under my skin. Beth has had six abortions. That is wrong. She should know better by now. If she gets pregnant again, I do not know if I could stand by her because she knows better. She should know from talking to me that it is not all fun and games. But I should just wait and see what happens. Or hope that nothing does.

Gerald has been going around town talking to everybody about Beth. I must say, I think Tom and he are up there together on levels on insanity. I feel sorry for both of them.

OMG...I was such a snob....

July 6, 1993

I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.

I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.

My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.

My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....

Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.

I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.

I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.

Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.





July 8, 1993

I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.

It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.

Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.

I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.

My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.

Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.







July 12, 1993

I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.

I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.







July 14, 1993

I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.

When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.

It would kill me if anything did.

I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.

Check out BF on Facebook...I have pics of us up so you can put a face to a name.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=107566599285422#!/group.php?gid=107566599285422

Isn't it grand how the past always has a way of catching up to you?! Love to all of you!!

June 26, 1993

I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.

It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.

It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.

I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.

One day.






June 27, 1993

Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.

I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.

I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.








June 30, 1993

I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.

I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.

I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.

But, of course, I will make it. I always do.