June 24, 1993
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
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And the story unfolds even more...that is the beauty of life you know.
June 16, 1993
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Making more progress than I thought--both today & then it seems.
June 10, 1993
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
No more initials....names have been included due to reader requests. Love to all...
May 2, 1993
I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.
I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.
I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.
I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.
May 4, 1993
I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.
I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.
May 24, 1993
It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!
I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.
I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
May 25, 1993
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.
Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.
I have been extremely lazy today. I went to bed at 2am and got up at noon. Then I took a nap from 3 to 5pm.
I went to Beth and Gerald’s bonfire last night and I did not really enjoy myself that much. For some reason, I feel out of touch with people in general. I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t. Part of me minds and part of me doesn’t. I think I just feel like I am on a totally different path than most of them. I was listening to people talk last night and a lot of it seemed so petty to me. I even feel that way with Beth. Even though Beth and I have talked about the strangeness concerning our situation, it still feels strange but for different reasons now. I don’t feel Beth understands my feelings right now. I plan on asking my doctor if he knows of any single parent support groups. It would be nice to talk to people in the same situation as me.
I think I am finally grieving the loss of Tom. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. Greg and Bill were at Beth’s last night and I asked them if Tom was coming. They said no. I said I was glad-but part of me wanted to see him.
I have so many mixed emotions these days. About everything. My pregnancy, Tom, Beth, motherhood, etc. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go back to Dr. R. We are going to discuss an adjusted fee for my therapy sessions. If it is low enough, I might go back. It also depends on whether or not there is a single parent group anywhere. If there is, and that is free, I’ll go to that if I like it.
May 4, 1993
I’ve been in weird spaces today. I got up at 8am and stayed up until 10am. Then I went back to bed and slept until 1pm. Then, I got up and went to go see Dr. R. I don’t think I want to go back to her anymore. I think she would keep me in therapy longer than I need to be in it. What I think I am going to do is find a single parent support group. There has got to be one in town. It’s free, it would put me in touch with other single parents, etc.
I’ve really been hating the world lately. People have really been getting on my nerves. There seem to be so few people that actually give a shit about their life or mine. Every time I am around a large group of people, I feel like being real bitchy, fake, or somewhere else. I feel comfortable with Beth and I feel like there are a couple of other people I could talk to, but, right now, I think the human population basically sucks eggs. I don’t know how much of it has to do with me and how much is actually other people. I would like to get over it though because I really need people right now.
May 24, 1993
It has been forever since I last wrote. Of course, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. Right now I am seventeen weeks pregnant. Or is it eighteen? Somewhere around there. I’m just now starting to show in the smallest bit. Kristy hates it. She and Reagan are both waiting for me to get fat like they did. No way!
I’m in Atlanta right now. I’ve been here for almost two weeks. I’m leaving Thursday morning. It is pretty sedate here now Billy is gone. It got bad last night because he started calling about 10pm and kept calling until 10am this morning. My mom has the phone off the hook. She’s getting another restraining order Wednesday. That is why I am staying that long. I have to get back to Knoxville though and start summer school.
I decided I am going to move back to Atlanta probably at Christmas time. I’m calling my real estate agent when I get back to see what my options are. My mom is going to build me a house on the backside of her property. I think it would be better to raise my child here. Atlanta has plenty of opportunities for me as far as school and work are concerned. Plenty of AA meetings and I think it will be good for me to be around my family.
I’ll keep the journal posted.
May 25, 1993
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I met Sean and Mikey for lunch in Little Five Points and Michael came with them. That was cool with me. Then Tyrone showed up. Even that was okay but then, Kevin showed up. That threw me. We didn’t really even say anything to one another. He was only there about 5 minutes. When he got up to leave he asked me if it was true I was expecting. I said yes and that was about the extent of our conversation.
Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the first time I got sober. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. My heart stopped. I got nervous; had no idea what to say. Now I have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me is sad because he doesn’t seem to have changed much. We seem so different from one another. We used to have so much in common. I still think I owe him an apology for all the terrible things I did when we broke up.
Friday, April 16, 2010
April 1993 -- This may be it for the weekend. Have an adventure planned. If you have the time, read from start to now & talk to me!!
April 2, 1993
Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!
I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.
AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.
April 6, 1993
How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.
B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.
T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.
I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.
April 11, 1993
It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.
April 13, 1993
Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.
I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.
T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.
All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.
April 17, 1993
I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.
I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.
T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?
My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.
My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.
April 24, 1993
It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.
I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.
I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.
I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.
I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.
I was 13 weeks today.
April 30, 1993
Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.
Things are going much better compared to the last time I wrote. I am ten weeks pregnant now and enjoying it. B did lose her baby and she didn’t come to the beach. I’ve gotten over my paranoia for the most part. I don’t think I will miscarry. I’m starting to lose my figure now and my breasts are one cup size bigger. I really like that!!
I’ve gotten back to my meetings, but I don’t do therapy anymore. I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking to B because she lost her baby and that is what most of my focus is on. T is too much to handle to even bother anymore. I think that is why I go to so many meetings now. I start to feel lonely at night. B usually doesn’t want to do anything. She’s really the only person I hang out with. At least I’m doing something like going to meetings instead of going wild and crazy. Sometimes I think I want to meet somebody, but I know I really don’t. It wouldn’t be good for me right now.
AS moved out of Knoxville. He is in New Jersey. I don’t know if he has signed the papers yet. My lawyer does not keep me very well informed of what is going on. I don’t really miss him. I’m pretty angry and hurt by his actions. There is a lot I do not understand. I miss having someone around. I am determined to try and make the next relationship a bit healthier. I want to take more time to get to know someone. No sex for a while. No moving in together. All the things I usually do.
April 6, 1993
How have things been going lately? I’m not sure if I know.
B and I are getting along better. Not really getting along more, but she is coming out of her shell. I still haven’t laid a lot of my problems on her though. I think it has been a while since she has gone to a meeting. She told me today she is going to trade trusted servants positions with me. So now, I will be secretary and she will be alternate secretary.
T and I have been talking again. I felt really lonely on Saturday night and called him at work. I told him I needed to talk to him. That was pretty much a lie. I just wanted to see him. So he came over and stayed until 4am. We got nowhere. We just weren’t going to talk anymore but I called him Sunday. I’m not sure what is going on between us, if anything at all. One minute I think I want him back and the next, I don’t. So we’ll see. T says he can’t be around me without showing me how he feels and, after all this time, I’m not sure what I really want. How typical of me! I’m just going to take things very, very slowly.
I think I will try to listen to my heart more than my head. I’ll have to go slowly doing that because it is very hard for me to shut my head up long enough to hear my heart.
April 11, 1993
It has been another long, boring weekend. B always seems to spend her weekend with G or working. She asked me if I wanted to go to her mom’s house with her today but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there. I talked to my mom yesterday and today, but, she seemed eager to get off the phone both times. If she is like this the next time I talk to her, I’m going to ask her what her deal is.
April 13, 1993
Things are going okay. I got kind of hormonal for about 20 minutes today but, other than that, I was okay. I also went through the “god I hate my body, I am getting fat” mood. I called my mom to complain but she wasn’t very receptive; I don’t know what else I expected.
I went to dinner tonight with D and CF. Her baby is two months old and she slept through the whole dinner. We were there about two hours. CF and I have a lot in common when it comes to the father’s of our children. Her’s sounds like a big shit-just like mine. I like her. I’m going to call her more and see if she wants to get together or needs a babysitter.
T and I talked again. We got into it on Thursday and I called him Sunday night to apologize. He asked me out to dinner. We are going to brunch on Sunday instead because my mom is going to be in town this weekend, but, he is going to the doctor with me on Thursday for my 3 month visit. I figure if we are going to work things out, he needs to understand my pregnancy. It’s part of me now. It will be part of our relationship if it works. The key is to take things slow. As slow as I possibly could go. I do not know how slow that will be because I have always taken things so fast before.
All in all, I feel pretty good. B and I are getting along well. We’ve started talking about my pregnancy and her losing her baby. I’m going to see how things go with T. My pregnancy is going good. School is almost over. I’ll have two weeks vacation. The only immediate problem is I seem to get nauseous a bit more than usual.
April 17, 1993
I went to the doctor and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was on Thursday. It had to be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My doctor said I have no reason to worry about a miscarriage, everything is developing normally. I was so relieved to hear that.
I finally talked to my lawyer and AS still has not signed the parental release papers. He was supposed to call him on Friday. If AS tries to dick me over with these papers, I’ll destroy him in court. The last thing I will do is allow AS to be a parent without paying dearly for it. His name is certainly not going to be on the birth certificate.
T and I are not talking again. Of course. He went to the doctor with me on Thursday and that went okay. I think it made him uncomfortable. Then we ran some errands and came back to my place. Then we got into it. No need to go into details-same old shit. T and I just are not going to get along. Period. We think too differently and he seems to be very contemptuous of my life and the way I choose to live it. So I’ll just live it away from him and his judgements. He always accuses me of keeping my life in such chaos but, besides AS and that whole scene, he’s been the most chaotic thing in my life. I think I’ve been living a pretty peaceful life these last ten weeks except for the times I’ve seen him. T seems to think I am this unemotional, cold, uncaring, unneeding, bitch from hell. He has severely misjudged me I think. It is strange to think T and I got along at one point. I wonder if I will ever find anyone I can stay with?
My mom stayed with me last night. We went to eat and today went to Baby Superstore. We bought a crib and some baby clothes. I think she is starting to get into my pregnancy more and the thought of being a grandmother. I’m glad. It hurt when she didn’t seem to be too into the whole thing.
My life has really changed in the last sixteen months. It is pretty strange.
April 24, 1993
It has been another boring weekend so far. B is spending the weekend in the National Guard Armory for her DUI. I went to a BBQ at D and T?’s house last night. G and I were supposed to be going to an antique show, but he slept through it. It amazes me how I manage to entertain myself all day.
I got a new puppy on Sunday last. Her name is Zoey. She is really good so far. She is in the chewing stage is about all that is bad. She’s pretty much house trained except for when left alone. Hopefully, that will improve. It is a lot nicer here with her to keep me company. She helps me to take my mind off things. My mind is on a lot of things.
I’m worried about my mom right now. I talked to her yesterday and she said BT had started ranting about the same old stuff. She said he wasn’t physical but who knows? She told him she didn’t want to be married. She said they are going to see it through the summer because of the horses. She has an appointment with her lawyer on Tuesday. She was supposed to call me tonight but didn’t. She asked me not to call down there unless I absolutely needed her. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want me to call down there. If she doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’ll call her.
I called my lawyer three times this week and he never called me back. Finally, he had his secretary call and tell me that he had heard nothing from AS. It really pissed me off that AS has not signed the papers and that my own lawyer did not call me back after I left three long-distance messages.
I told B on Friday how disappointed I had been in our friendship lately because it was so superficial after her miscarriage. That is due to both of us. We finally talked about the miscarriage and my pregnancy and about our mixed emotions. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now that tension is gone between B and I.
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Only a fool would get involved with a pregnant woman so I better get used to being alone during my pregnancy. Then, I have to be careful who I get involved with after my child is born because whoever it is will have an influence on the child, whether it be directly or indirectly.
I was 13 weeks today.
April 30, 1993
Things are going okay for the most part. Zoey is pretty much potty-trained. School is out Monday; not that I have gone much the last two weeks. I was supposed to go to my mom’s today but BT showed up. He and my mom are going through another separation. I have no idea if this one is going to be final or not. But, he was moving his stuff today and my mom said she would be more comfortable if I did not come down because she’s not sure he won’t show up again.
The dress rehearsal....
Do you remember when I said, at some point, all this was just the dress rehearsal for the last three years I lived through?
Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.
Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.
Keep that in mind because I have been working ahead in time, and wow, everything I lived and felt 1993 to 2007 was nothing but a dress rehearsal.
Life is amazingly frightening in it's complex and linear simplicity.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thanks for all the feedback--more info at one time it is--March 1993
March 4, 1993
I have asked AS to move out. I started thinking about my pregnancy and came to the conclusion that if I had planned this out, AS would not have been the guy I would have chosen for the father. I also realized I do not care about him enough to try and raise a child with him. AS does not even really want this baby, and I want my baby to be wanted by both parents. He has not decided yet whether or not he is going to take responsibility for the baby. So I am very fed up with him, to say the least. I think, deep down, I want him to just go away and stay out of my way. He said some pretty mean and low things last night, like he felt sorry for my baby because it was going to have me as mother and that I was always an emotional wreck.
March 6, 1993
AS is gone but not until after a very chaotic scene. I was supposed to go to Atlanta yesterday and I asked AS not to stay at the condo while I was gone. I decided not to go to Atlanta and came back to the condo around 5:15 to get in touch with my mom. AS was there--moving his stuff. I started to help him. He said a lot of really mean things but he is gone now. He has decided not to take on the responsibility of his child.
I was feeling much better today, until just a minute ago. When I was leaving the condo to come down to Java, I saw AS in the parking lot and he was loading all his stuff into his ex-girlfriend C’s car. I really know how to pick them don’t I? This whole experience is really painful but I have to pull through for my sake and the baby’s. I don’t think a guy has ever rejected me and I can’t believe AS would reject his own baby. I should just expect the worst from him. It didn’t take him long to get back in touch with C.
March 8, 1993
I’m not sure what kind of Monday it was. A lonely Monday. A frustrating Monday. A typical Monday. I had to deal with AS again this morning. T came over on my lunch hour and lost it. I’m still kind of confused about that one. My mom has no feelings whatsoever. I’m not exactly sure how to work my budget out. I have to pay for the last part of the coffee table, phone, and KUB bill. All before March 20th. I think I will ask my mom to give me my money before I go to the beach.
My mom is really upsetting me. She hasn’t said anything positive about me being pregnant. I really do think she cares for her horse’s babies more than her own daughter’s baby. She even said the other day I should “foal” in Atlanta. I am not a goddamned horse. I asked her today what she felt about me having a baby and she said - we’ll make the best of it and that I do not know what a surprise I am in for. Then she said she was still in shock but she wants a girl and BT wants a boy.
Who cares what BT wants?
March 14, 1993
It has been a really hard week and an even harder weekend. AS has been gone for a week now and it is not any easier. If I am real honest, I miss him and the comfort of having him here. I called info tonight to get his number and, if it had been listed, probably would have done something stupid. I feel pretty lonely at times. It can get almost unbearable. This is the first time in 15 months I have been out of a relationship and planned on not becoming involved in another one. I probably need to stay out of them. I don’t seem to have the best of luck these days.
T and I had started to talk again but not anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now. He says it is too painful and that I can’t be real 100% of the time. I can’t. Everybody has their bad days I thought, but T says he is perfect. I don’t buy it.
I’ve been cooped up in this condo since Friday night because Knoxville has had over a foot of snow so the whole town shut down. I’m about to go stir crazy. I hope school is in tomorrow just to have something to do.
Humans are definitely social animals.
March 16, 1993
It has been quite the two days. I was so ready to get out of this house yesterday so I called B to see what she was up to. Her cousin said she was in the hospital. So I went to the emergency room and spent the day there. B had been bleeding a little and having cramps. They told her it was a false miscarriage but the doctor wanted her to do a follow up with him today. She went to the doctor today and she is going to miscarry. Her baby has not been developing right. B is crushed.
It was hard to know what to say to someone who is still pregnant but who is losing her baby and knows it. I know it must be terrible. It would devastate me. I am just going to let my shit go for a while and be there for B as much as I possibly can. It is going to be really hard for her for a while.
I pray this does not happen to me. I pray my pregnancy goes full term and I have a healthy baby. What is really strange is the night before B went to the hospital, I dreamt about a miscarriage. I woke up thinking it was mine. Maybe it was B’s. It could be mine. I hope to god it’s not.
I saw AS today. D told me he was moving to New York. I stopped by his office to find out if it was true and how to get a hold on him in the future to sign release forms. He was rude, curt, and altogether immature and disgusting. I really was trying to be polite today considering I was in his office, but, he made no attempt whatsoever to be civil. I am starting to wonder whatever compelled me to go out with him, to sleep with him, to let him move into my condo...etc. I must not have been in my right mind.
I wonder what I will tell my child about his or her father? He was a talented sketcher? That’s the only positive thing I can come up with, but I have plenty of time to think about that.
March 17, 1993
B thinks she is going to miscarry soon. She says she has passed a couple of blood clots. It has got to be killing her. I know this happening to her has got me very paranoid about my baby miscarrying. That would have to be the hardest thing to go through sober. Or it ranks right up there with hard things. She said if her doctor lets her, she is still going to come to Destin. I think it would be really good for her to still go. She probably needs to get away more than she realizes.
My lawyer finally talked to AS. All that should be settled soon; at least legally. I have a lot to work on emotionally. I’m not getting as lonely as I was at first, but I still get lonely of course. I don’t have much self-confidence in my looks right now. It is a chore to go to school anymore although I think I did okay on a math test today.
I have asked AS to move out. I started thinking about my pregnancy and came to the conclusion that if I had planned this out, AS would not have been the guy I would have chosen for the father. I also realized I do not care about him enough to try and raise a child with him. AS does not even really want this baby, and I want my baby to be wanted by both parents. He has not decided yet whether or not he is going to take responsibility for the baby. So I am very fed up with him, to say the least. I think, deep down, I want him to just go away and stay out of my way. He said some pretty mean and low things last night, like he felt sorry for my baby because it was going to have me as mother and that I was always an emotional wreck.
March 6, 1993
AS is gone but not until after a very chaotic scene. I was supposed to go to Atlanta yesterday and I asked AS not to stay at the condo while I was gone. I decided not to go to Atlanta and came back to the condo around 5:15 to get in touch with my mom. AS was there--moving his stuff. I started to help him. He said a lot of really mean things but he is gone now. He has decided not to take on the responsibility of his child.
I was feeling much better today, until just a minute ago. When I was leaving the condo to come down to Java, I saw AS in the parking lot and he was loading all his stuff into his ex-girlfriend C’s car. I really know how to pick them don’t I? This whole experience is really painful but I have to pull through for my sake and the baby’s. I don’t think a guy has ever rejected me and I can’t believe AS would reject his own baby. I should just expect the worst from him. It didn’t take him long to get back in touch with C.
March 8, 1993
I’m not sure what kind of Monday it was. A lonely Monday. A frustrating Monday. A typical Monday. I had to deal with AS again this morning. T came over on my lunch hour and lost it. I’m still kind of confused about that one. My mom has no feelings whatsoever. I’m not exactly sure how to work my budget out. I have to pay for the last part of the coffee table, phone, and KUB bill. All before March 20th. I think I will ask my mom to give me my money before I go to the beach.
My mom is really upsetting me. She hasn’t said anything positive about me being pregnant. I really do think she cares for her horse’s babies more than her own daughter’s baby. She even said the other day I should “foal” in Atlanta. I am not a goddamned horse. I asked her today what she felt about me having a baby and she said - we’ll make the best of it and that I do not know what a surprise I am in for. Then she said she was still in shock but she wants a girl and BT wants a boy.
Who cares what BT wants?
March 14, 1993
It has been a really hard week and an even harder weekend. AS has been gone for a week now and it is not any easier. If I am real honest, I miss him and the comfort of having him here. I called info tonight to get his number and, if it had been listed, probably would have done something stupid. I feel pretty lonely at times. It can get almost unbearable. This is the first time in 15 months I have been out of a relationship and planned on not becoming involved in another one. I probably need to stay out of them. I don’t seem to have the best of luck these days.
T and I had started to talk again but not anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now. He says it is too painful and that I can’t be real 100% of the time. I can’t. Everybody has their bad days I thought, but T says he is perfect. I don’t buy it.
I’ve been cooped up in this condo since Friday night because Knoxville has had over a foot of snow so the whole town shut down. I’m about to go stir crazy. I hope school is in tomorrow just to have something to do.
Humans are definitely social animals.
March 16, 1993
It has been quite the two days. I was so ready to get out of this house yesterday so I called B to see what she was up to. Her cousin said she was in the hospital. So I went to the emergency room and spent the day there. B had been bleeding a little and having cramps. They told her it was a false miscarriage but the doctor wanted her to do a follow up with him today. She went to the doctor today and she is going to miscarry. Her baby has not been developing right. B is crushed.
It was hard to know what to say to someone who is still pregnant but who is losing her baby and knows it. I know it must be terrible. It would devastate me. I am just going to let my shit go for a while and be there for B as much as I possibly can. It is going to be really hard for her for a while.
I pray this does not happen to me. I pray my pregnancy goes full term and I have a healthy baby. What is really strange is the night before B went to the hospital, I dreamt about a miscarriage. I woke up thinking it was mine. Maybe it was B’s. It could be mine. I hope to god it’s not.
I saw AS today. D told me he was moving to New York. I stopped by his office to find out if it was true and how to get a hold on him in the future to sign release forms. He was rude, curt, and altogether immature and disgusting. I really was trying to be polite today considering I was in his office, but, he made no attempt whatsoever to be civil. I am starting to wonder whatever compelled me to go out with him, to sleep with him, to let him move into my condo...etc. I must not have been in my right mind.
I wonder what I will tell my child about his or her father? He was a talented sketcher? That’s the only positive thing I can come up with, but I have plenty of time to think about that.
March 17, 1993
B thinks she is going to miscarry soon. She says she has passed a couple of blood clots. It has got to be killing her. I know this happening to her has got me very paranoid about my baby miscarrying. That would have to be the hardest thing to go through sober. Or it ranks right up there with hard things. She said if her doctor lets her, she is still going to come to Destin. I think it would be really good for her to still go. She probably needs to get away more than she realizes.
My lawyer finally talked to AS. All that should be settled soon; at least legally. I have a lot to work on emotionally. I’m not getting as lonely as I was at first, but I still get lonely of course. I don’t have much self-confidence in my looks right now. It is a chore to go to school anymore although I think I did okay on a math test today.
Feedback!!
So is anyone even reading this or am I agonizing over nothing as I let this stuff go?
If you are reading, give me some feedback.
Let me know what you think. Let me know if you want more or less content. I have all the way until 2006 to get through before I stop. That story will not be told here. But let me hear something people!! Your silence is causing mild panic attacks.
And, please, share this on your Facebook pages, with your students, with your associates, with anyone you know who works with teen parents, drug addicts, domestic and family violence victims, anyone you can think of who may hear part of my past, relate it to their present, and use it to get through the moment.
Love to all. Hugs too.
Charity
If you are reading, give me some feedback.
Let me know what you think. Let me know if you want more or less content. I have all the way until 2006 to get through before I stop. That story will not be told here. But let me hear something people!! Your silence is causing mild panic attacks.
And, please, share this on your Facebook pages, with your students, with your associates, with anyone you know who works with teen parents, drug addicts, domestic and family violence victims, anyone you can think of who may hear part of my past, relate it to their present, and use it to get through the moment.
Love to all. Hugs too.
Charity
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
She's having a baby...
February 4, 1993
It’s been a long time since I wrote last. A lot of stuff has gone on too. My mom did take BT back. That is pretty disgusting but what can I do? Nothing. I told her how I feel about it and haven’t said anything else about it to her. I haven’t talked to T since the last time I wrote. I have done a pretty effective job of putting distance between us. I have not been to a meeting in a while. I told my story on the 29th but that is about it. I’m getting ready to go to one tonight.
I’ve been in my turtle phase, pulled up into my shell, basically running from my emotions. It is about time to come out of my shell. It only causes more problems then it cures. I’m still seeing AS. We seem to get along well. Nothing serious really. A lot of guys have been hinting around they are interested in seeing me but I don’t think so. One at a time is enough for me. It would get way too confusing to see more than one at a time. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with AS. I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
February 19, 1993
Well, I finally moved into my new condo. It’s about time! It looks so good! And AS is living here too. Our furniture looks really good together.
February 24, 1993
Life is finally settling down to normal again. All the moving and packing is done. All the unpacking is done. Now AS and I are getting used to living together. So far, it has worked out real well. He is good about staying out of my way when I am in one of my moods. He’s not like T at all. When we are at home, we both do our own thing. He doesn’t need my constant attention. When something is bothering me, he’ll ask about it, but doesn’t demand I talk about it. When I’m ready to talk, he’ll listen. So far, so good. I’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been slacking off my meetings lately. I went to one last night but hadn’t been to one in about a week and a half. I don’t like driving all the way out to west Knoxville to meetings anymore so I am going to try and go to the Tuesday and Thursday Melrose from now on. I was also supposed to go to therapy today but I called and cancelled my session. I’m tired of driving out to west Knox for that too. I don’t think I am going to do it anymore. I haven’t been in two weeks and I seem to be doing okay with it. Or without it.
B and I haven’t seen much of each other lately. I was all wrapped up into moving into Park Place and B has been all wrapped up into being pregnant. She is about 10 weeks along now. She decided to name her baby Sage if it is a girl and Forest if it is a boy. Cool names I think.
Speaking of pregnancy, I still haven’t had a period this month. I can’t decide if I should be worried about it or not because I don’t remember when my one last month was.
February 25, 1993
I decided last night I had to know if I was pregnant or not, so I went to the drugstore and bought a test. It came out positive. So now, I know, I am pregnant.
I’ve told my parents. AS has told his. My grandparents know. All our friends know. Now, all I have to do is wait 9 months and then devote my life to raising a child. Don’t ask my why I’m having it because I do not know. I only know I can’t and won’t have an abortion. I’m not really sure how I feel about it yet. It is slowly sinking in.
I’ll get back to you in a couple of days. It is all pretty new to me. Very new.
My mom is going to help me out. So is AS.
February 27, 1993
Well, it is Saturday and I am still pregnant. It is slowly sinking in, a little more day by day. I figure I will freak out in about a week, but, right now, I am still pretty calm about it.
AS and I got into our first little spat today. I wouldn’t call it an argument because we weren’t yelling or cussing one another out, but we were being curt and childish.
I feel good about my decision so far. For a while today, I really wanted to go out, dance, smoke, all that stuff, but only for a moment. I feel like I am doing something much more important than all that stuff.
AS and I went to Baby Superstore today and it was a really strange feeling to be around all that baby stuff.
It’s been a long time since I wrote last. A lot of stuff has gone on too. My mom did take BT back. That is pretty disgusting but what can I do? Nothing. I told her how I feel about it and haven’t said anything else about it to her. I haven’t talked to T since the last time I wrote. I have done a pretty effective job of putting distance between us. I have not been to a meeting in a while. I told my story on the 29th but that is about it. I’m getting ready to go to one tonight.
I’ve been in my turtle phase, pulled up into my shell, basically running from my emotions. It is about time to come out of my shell. It only causes more problems then it cures. I’m still seeing AS. We seem to get along well. Nothing serious really. A lot of guys have been hinting around they are interested in seeing me but I don’t think so. One at a time is enough for me. It would get way too confusing to see more than one at a time. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with AS. I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
February 19, 1993
Well, I finally moved into my new condo. It’s about time! It looks so good! And AS is living here too. Our furniture looks really good together.
February 24, 1993
Life is finally settling down to normal again. All the moving and packing is done. All the unpacking is done. Now AS and I are getting used to living together. So far, it has worked out real well. He is good about staying out of my way when I am in one of my moods. He’s not like T at all. When we are at home, we both do our own thing. He doesn’t need my constant attention. When something is bothering me, he’ll ask about it, but doesn’t demand I talk about it. When I’m ready to talk, he’ll listen. So far, so good. I’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been slacking off my meetings lately. I went to one last night but hadn’t been to one in about a week and a half. I don’t like driving all the way out to west Knoxville to meetings anymore so I am going to try and go to the Tuesday and Thursday Melrose from now on. I was also supposed to go to therapy today but I called and cancelled my session. I’m tired of driving out to west Knox for that too. I don’t think I am going to do it anymore. I haven’t been in two weeks and I seem to be doing okay with it. Or without it.
B and I haven’t seen much of each other lately. I was all wrapped up into moving into Park Place and B has been all wrapped up into being pregnant. She is about 10 weeks along now. She decided to name her baby Sage if it is a girl and Forest if it is a boy. Cool names I think.
Speaking of pregnancy, I still haven’t had a period this month. I can’t decide if I should be worried about it or not because I don’t remember when my one last month was.
February 25, 1993
I decided last night I had to know if I was pregnant or not, so I went to the drugstore and bought a test. It came out positive. So now, I know, I am pregnant.
I’ve told my parents. AS has told his. My grandparents know. All our friends know. Now, all I have to do is wait 9 months and then devote my life to raising a child. Don’t ask my why I’m having it because I do not know. I only know I can’t and won’t have an abortion. I’m not really sure how I feel about it yet. It is slowly sinking in.
I’ll get back to you in a couple of days. It is all pretty new to me. Very new.
My mom is going to help me out. So is AS.
February 27, 1993
Well, it is Saturday and I am still pregnant. It is slowly sinking in, a little more day by day. I figure I will freak out in about a week, but, right now, I am still pretty calm about it.
AS and I got into our first little spat today. I wouldn’t call it an argument because we weren’t yelling or cussing one another out, but we were being curt and childish.
I feel good about my decision so far. For a while today, I really wanted to go out, dance, smoke, all that stuff, but only for a moment. I feel like I am doing something much more important than all that stuff.
AS and I went to Baby Superstore today and it was a really strange feeling to be around all that baby stuff.
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