September 2, 1993
I saw Tom and Tia together for the first time tonight. It left me feeling sad. I expected this, but it is still unnerving. I know I would not ever want Tom back but I think it reminded me I get lonely for companionship of that sort. But, of course, I know I have no choice but to be patient in this matter. I am sure when the right someone comes along, I will know. I think a lot of what it was is that I felt left out. Beth was going to watch movies at a friend of ours house and no one invited me because Tom and Tia were going. I am not a baby.
So now I feel even more like my life is going somewhere else than most of the people I know because I am having a baby. Or something like that. I do think it is as much me as them though. I feel different. Kind of disjointed. I have felt this way before so I know I will be okay. I will eventually find where I fit in again.
Never fear, I always persevere.
September 7, 1993
Home again! Thank god. I went to NYC this weekend with Boyce and I am so glad to be home. Or maybe I should say Boyce went to NYC with me. Do you know he did not bring ANY money with him to NY? I can still hardly believe it myself. Needless to say, this trip convinced me he is not someone I would want to get involved with. He seems...slick. I can’t quite describe why I think that but it is just a feeling I get. I am glad I took some time getting to know him first.
I talked to Beth some about her pregnancy and how I feel about it. I don’t really feel any better because I don’t really feel like we are connecting anymore. It could just be because I am tired but I think it is also that we don’t have a lot in common anymore. Things are a lot different now for both of us. I just cannot stomach a lot of what she does and I don’t feel like she can really relate to me anymore. I am not going to force the issue. I am just going to wait and see what happens.
Andrew called my lawyer on Friday and told him he was going to get the paper signed and in the mail this week. We will see. I know it is for the best because Paris does not need a part-time father but I still feel rejected. It’s a paradox. I don’t want Andrew but I wonder what is wrong with Paris and me to make us undesirable. I know, logically, it is nothing that is wrong with us but, emotionally, it still hurts.
September 10, 1993
I have had one of those think and feel days. I finally told Beth how I feel about her being pregnant and that I am not the one to help her through this. It is not that I don’t care but my own personal feelings stand in the way of me being an effective support person. I don’t know where this leaves our friendship. All I can do now is sit back and see what happens. I believe, if we are as close as we think, it will be worked out over time. If not, it won’t. So although I feel better about standing true to my beliefs and all, I feel sad at the same time because I don’t know if I lost a friend or not.
Then I had someone ask me later on why I had been keeping people out lately? That is a really good question. I know I have my hard times but I haven’t really been letting anyone else know I have had my hard times. I know I need to try and change that and I am sure I will. I am seriously contemplating calling Debbie at Agape and seeing if she will sponsor me. Imagine that, me with a sponsor. I also got a card in the mail about that single parent group and I think I am going to go. Christi said she would go with me.
September 13, 1993
After spending most of the weekend trying to figure out if I did the right thing with Beth, I realized I probably did not because it was causing me so much grief.
September 22, 1993
Five weeks left. Five very short weeks. Then, my whole life will be different. At least, in some ways. Lately I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I am not sure why. I’ll go to two meeting a day and I have been staying at the cancer center a lot working. I believe I am just trying to cram as much as possible in before Paris is born because, for some insane reason, I think sometimes my life is going to be over when Paris finally gets here. I know it is insane. Life will change but it will not end. Of that, I am sure.
I know deep down what I am experiencing is fear of the unknown and that I just need to chill out. I’ve done relatively well with my life the last 21 months so I see no reason why it would not continue to be so. I know once Paris arrives, parenthood will become more like second nature as I get into the swing of it.
I drove to Atlanta and back yesterday to pick out my mom’s Christmas present. It was very tiring but at least it is done now. This was the best time to do it because she is out of the country. I got a ring that is really three rings melded together, and, on each ring, will be one of our names and birth years. I think she will like it. Mr. Harp gave me the money out of my money market.
I saw Andrew’s dad today at the cancer center. I was in the office and he was sitting on the balcony of the apartment he is staying in. I know he saw me but I do not know if he recognized me or not. Probably not. I felt bad for him.
When you get a chance to see people that don’t know they are being watched, you can see them let their guard down. He looked tired and lonely. He was smoking and when I met him a long time ago, he had quit because of his health. That is what Andrew told me. So he obviously must be under a lot of stress. I would be if Paris were to jump off a building in order to die. It would break my heart. But there is nothing I can do for Mr. Smith with the legal situation the way it is.
Speaking of Andrew, I talked to my lawyer yesterday and asked him to try and get a recent picture of Andrew for me to give to Paris when he is older. I know he will want, at least, to know what his dad looked like and I won’t be able to show him.
September 30, 1993
The last couple of days have been crazy but I seem to be finally settling down. So much has gone on emotionally I am not sure where to begin.
Starting about two weeks ago, I began thinking about Tom again. At first, I thought it was just a phase because I was lonely or some reason like that. But it didn’t stop. I started having dreams with him in them and, when I was awake, our relationship was always in the back of my mind. So I talked to Beth and Christi to see what they thought and finally decided what I needed to do was get some closure on the relationship. So I wrote Tom a letter- a 10 page letter -then called and asked him to meet me somewhere. He did and we talked for three hours on Tuesday. Then we talked again last night. Now I am not so sure that what I want is closure. Actually, if I am real honest, I am not exactly sure what I want. Part of me thinks I might want him back but, part of me thinks I just want to be friends. But the cool thing is that we are talking and actually getting along. Today, at least, I seem to be feeling a special softness for him. There is nothing I can do about it though. He is with Tia now and I am having Paris in four weeks. We are just going to be friendly to one another and, if I ever need him or want to talk, I’ll call work and he knows he can call me if he wants to. I do not know where all this is going to end up, if anywhere at all. In a way, I feel good about it all and, in a way, I feel real sad. I feel good because we have been able to be real honest about feelings, at least I know I have, but I feel sad because, when I finally get to the point where I know how I feel or even how to feel, circumstances are all wrong.
Really though, it isn’t all wrong. We are getting along quite well. Now I know that just because you love somebody, it does not mean you can be with them. And I really hate to think of Tom with Tia. I don’t buy her and I get the impression Tom is settling for something. I don’t want that for him. Even if he isn’t meant to be with me, I would like to know he is getting something that was what he wanted. He keeps telling me Tia is low risk and, for some reason, that just sounds bad. Of course, a lot of how I feel is based on jealousy. I don’t know for sure that it is Tom I want back. I know at this point I would like to be able to get along with him. I don’t know at what level. I know I would like to be able to share my life with someone but not just anyone. Today, I have certain standards and specific needs and wants.
I’m just going to try and take it easy and do what is best for me and my child.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
New Posts Coming Soon!!
Butterfly Flits will resume this evening. I was on patrol with the SAPD Saturday night so my schedule gets a little backwards.
Have a great day and stay safe.
Have a great day and stay safe.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
August 1993 : Drama while under the influence of pregnancy hormones
August 4, 1993
The beginning of a brand new journal. Pretty appropriate considering I am on my way to a brand new life with baby soon. It gets closer and closer each day. And more and more real. I pre-admitted myself to the hospital on Monday and that was real strange. It brought reality very close. Even stranger was when Mom and I went on our tour of the hospital where Paris is to be born. I got to see a newborn and it was precious and so very tiny. All I could think was that I would have one of those soon. It is a very delightfully scary thought.
Beth told me the other day Andrew is supposed to be coming to town. She didn’t know when. Our friend Lori works with one of his brothers and that is what he told her. That is really the last thing I want to have to deal with. Hopefully, he won’t stay long. At first, I was real scared and didn’t want to have to deal with it. Now, I still don’t like the idea very much but at least now I know his popping up somewhere is a possibility.
I think my initial reaction to the news has helped me decide about moving. I am still not sure but the scales are leaning in favor of Atlanta. Down there, I would not have to worry about running into Andrew or any of his family. I still get scared to death at the thought of moving back because I would have to adjust all over again. I know I could do it though. I think it will turn out okay wherever I am. I know I would not want to stay with my mom. I would need to feel more autonomous than that. I am too used to being on my own. But, of course, that decision does not have to be made until Paris is born, which is for the best I suppose.
My mom finally got her divorce. She is no longer married to Billy. Thank god. I sent her 1/2 a dozen red roses and a card to let her know I love her and will always have time for her if she needs me. I am sure she is probably relieved but she probably has a lot of mixed emotions too. I am glad it is over but sad she is alone. It would be really nice if she could find someone to share her life with.
August 8, 1993
Today was the day of my baby shower. I enjoyed it for the most part but the people who said they were going to show up, didn’t. Most of them didn’t anyway. But it did turn out okay. I got some nice gifts and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves but I am very tired now. Beth bought Paris his first pair of Keds. They are so cute! She kept the receipt in case they don’t fit.
I am still confused about this whole moving thing. I am going to go ahead and send my applications off to GA State and plan on moving to Atlanta. I think I am just scared. I’ll need to make all new friends. I’ll have to find my way around a new school. I’ll have to not let my mom take over Paris. I think that one is the one that gets me the most. I’ve been thinking about calling Debbie, my old counselor from Agape, and talking to her about it. Of course, I should talk to my mom about it too.
I think Andrew is coming to town on the 13th. I was doing my volunteer work Friday and a social worker called about getting one of the apartments for his family for one week. I could be wrong but I would imagine that, if he is coming, it would be then. Sarah is going to let me know if they are staying and I would not work that week. I don’t need to be around Andrew or his family. A part of me wants to go ahead and work anyway but, that is the part of me that likes chaos. I know better than to feed into that now. I think I might have learned my lesson.
I have been feeling lonely for male companionship lately. It’s the last thing I need right now, but still. Of course I won’t actually seek it out because that would be asking for chaos.
School is over on the 11th. Then, all I will be doing is volunteer work and waiting for Paris to be born. It gets closer and closer each day. I have started my eighth month of pregnancy. Weird. Yet cool.
August 9, 1993
My mom called me today and wanted to talk about moving to Atlanta. She said she thought it would be a good idea for me to live at home for a while. She said I could have her room; she would stay in my room, Paris could have his nursery in the space behind the fireplace, and Larry would be downstairs. She said she didn’t want to invest any more money into Fulton Co.
I just don’t know how I feel about it. She says she is hardly ever home, but still. On the one hand, I think it would be okay for six months or so, but, on the other, I don’t. It is too far away from meetings and, for some reason, I feel like I need to establish my own home with Paris. I can’t quite explain it. This is all very confusing. I have struggled for two years almost to forge my own identity for myself and, for some reason, I feel like it would be very hard to keep it around my mom. Or just living in her home. I feel like I need my own space that I can give to my child, not my mom’s space that Paris and I are both staying in. Even if it is only a rented space.
My mom keeps talking about economics, but I am more concerned with emotions. Mostly mine. If I do not feel okay then Paris won’t feel okay. I know I need to do what feels right for me. Even if I live in Vinings, that is not too far away from my mom, so she could see Paris all the time.
Of course, I am going to do more thinking and talking until my mind is made up. Or is my mind already made up? I think it might be. I’ll stay in touch.
August 11, 1993
Today was my last day of school for a while. Now all I have to do is volunteer work and waiting to become a mother. It just keeps getting more and more real. And more and more scary. I know I will be able to do it though. What it feels like is stage fright. I know once I get on stage, everything will be fine. Kind of like a bad case of the jitters.
I went to Sequoyah last night and talked about being scared and it seemed to help a bit. I am just going to keep talking about it and try to go with the flow more. I still think it would be a good idea to call Debbie and talk to her about it too. I think she might be able to give me more of a professional and objective opinion. It’s weird, but this all doesn’t seem to be making me as crazy or scared since I voiced it was making me crazy and scared.
I think Andrew is supposed to be in town Friday but I am not sure. I know parts of his family are on the waiting list to stay at the Fellowship Center, but I don’t know if they are staying or not. And I don’t know for sure that he is coming to Knoxville. I’ll just have to wait and see. Surprisingly, that has been on my mind very little. Sometimes, it is easier to deal with other people than myself.
Beth has been talking to Gerald again. It really does not surprise me. After some of the things he did to her, I’m wondering why, but I really have no room to talk. If she just wants to be friends, I think she will find it is not possible, but, I would not be surprised if they get back together again. Maybe a tad disappointed but not surprised. I don’t know if Beth has noticed it or not, but she really hasn’t been single since she and Gerald split up. These has always been something going on. Gerald, Neal, Benny, and possibly back to Gerald. For some reason, that bothers me and I am not sure why.
August 21, 1993
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Where to begin?
Beth found out she is pregnant. Again. This time, the baby belongs to Benny. She hasn’t decided if she is going to keep it. I think her body is going to make that decision for her because I talked to her today and she is spotting. I believe that after all the abortions she has had, her body is most likely messed up. I could be wrong. I don’t think she needs to have a baby but, then, on the other hand, I think it is wrong to have another abortion. She has had six already and one miscarriage. One would think she had learned something about birth control by now. Once again, I am in a position where I don’t agree at all with my best friend’s lifestyle but she is my friend. Where do I draw the line?
I told Boyce the other night I was attracted to him but that I could be his friend only. I had to be honest with him in order not to be uncomfortable around him. He basically said ditto. He is flying down to Atlanta on Thursday the 26th to meet me here and then my mom, Boyce, Larry, and I are driving to Destin for the weekend. Then Boyce and I fly back to Knoxville on Sunday the 29th. I’m nervous because I like him and he seems to like me, but we both have different agendas. I, for one, am 8 months pregnant with my first child, and he thinks he is in love with some girl in Canada. I would not get involved with him even if I weren’t pregnant because I refuse to be anyone’s second choice. If he really wanted me, he would have to be very convincing. Now that Paris is almost here, I have to be very careful about getting involved with people. Whomever I am with will influence Paris, sometimes directly, other times indirectly. I have to be a lot more careful than I ever was in the past.
My mom and I just spent 1 1/2 days in Dallas. It wasn’t that exciting so we came home a day early. I’ll be staying in Atlanta for about a week, then Destin, then home. When I get back to Knoxville, I am going to start looking for a house.
August 31, 1993
I got back from my “vacation” two days ago and, of course, I was exhausted. I do more at my mom’s house than I do here. I enjoyed myself though. We only stayed at the beach one day because two of the mares foaled a month early. Lucky them.
My mom and Boyce really hit it off. I have to admit I was somewhat jealous. They seemed so comfortable together and I feel uncomfortable with him a lot. Now that I have spent a weekend with him, I don’t think he is someone I can stay attracted to. I do enjoy hanging out with him though. This weekend we are going to NYC. My mom and Larry were originally going but Larry moved back in with that girl on the spur of the moment before we went to Destin so my mom gave the tickets to Boyce and I. I’m looking forward to going to NYC with a friend instead of my mom. The last time I went without her I was on drugs so I didn’t do much. I am a little wary about sharing a room with Boyce, but it should be okay. Mom is supposed to call so there are double beds in the room.
I am not going to be doing my volunteer work for a while. Sarah called me yesterday to let me know the Smith’s are at the Fellowship Center. So now I really do have to find something to do with myself until Paris gets here. Or at least until the Smith’s leave the Center. I’m tempted to just go ahead and work anyway but that probably would not be a good idea at this point. I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.
Beth still has not done anything about her pregnancy. She went to the emergency room over the weekend, while I was gone, because she was bleeding but she says it has stopped. She says she is just going to wait until she is about 7 weeks and, if she has not lost the baby, then she will have an abortion. She really should not have the baby. She has not quit smoking or drinking caffeine. She does not have a doctor, has not been taking vitamins, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on. Part of me is really disgusted; part of me is her best friend. Sometimes, it is hard to know what to do or say in this situation.
Only eight weeks left until Paris is born!!!
I can hardly wait!!!!
I love him and I am very glad I am pregnant with him, but I am ready to meet him. And to wear blue jeans again.
The beginning of a brand new journal. Pretty appropriate considering I am on my way to a brand new life with baby soon. It gets closer and closer each day. And more and more real. I pre-admitted myself to the hospital on Monday and that was real strange. It brought reality very close. Even stranger was when Mom and I went on our tour of the hospital where Paris is to be born. I got to see a newborn and it was precious and so very tiny. All I could think was that I would have one of those soon. It is a very delightfully scary thought.
Beth told me the other day Andrew is supposed to be coming to town. She didn’t know when. Our friend Lori works with one of his brothers and that is what he told her. That is really the last thing I want to have to deal with. Hopefully, he won’t stay long. At first, I was real scared and didn’t want to have to deal with it. Now, I still don’t like the idea very much but at least now I know his popping up somewhere is a possibility.
I think my initial reaction to the news has helped me decide about moving. I am still not sure but the scales are leaning in favor of Atlanta. Down there, I would not have to worry about running into Andrew or any of his family. I still get scared to death at the thought of moving back because I would have to adjust all over again. I know I could do it though. I think it will turn out okay wherever I am. I know I would not want to stay with my mom. I would need to feel more autonomous than that. I am too used to being on my own. But, of course, that decision does not have to be made until Paris is born, which is for the best I suppose.
My mom finally got her divorce. She is no longer married to Billy. Thank god. I sent her 1/2 a dozen red roses and a card to let her know I love her and will always have time for her if she needs me. I am sure she is probably relieved but she probably has a lot of mixed emotions too. I am glad it is over but sad she is alone. It would be really nice if she could find someone to share her life with.
August 8, 1993
Today was the day of my baby shower. I enjoyed it for the most part but the people who said they were going to show up, didn’t. Most of them didn’t anyway. But it did turn out okay. I got some nice gifts and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves but I am very tired now. Beth bought Paris his first pair of Keds. They are so cute! She kept the receipt in case they don’t fit.
I am still confused about this whole moving thing. I am going to go ahead and send my applications off to GA State and plan on moving to Atlanta. I think I am just scared. I’ll need to make all new friends. I’ll have to find my way around a new school. I’ll have to not let my mom take over Paris. I think that one is the one that gets me the most. I’ve been thinking about calling Debbie, my old counselor from Agape, and talking to her about it. Of course, I should talk to my mom about it too.
I think Andrew is coming to town on the 13th. I was doing my volunteer work Friday and a social worker called about getting one of the apartments for his family for one week. I could be wrong but I would imagine that, if he is coming, it would be then. Sarah is going to let me know if they are staying and I would not work that week. I don’t need to be around Andrew or his family. A part of me wants to go ahead and work anyway but, that is the part of me that likes chaos. I know better than to feed into that now. I think I might have learned my lesson.
I have been feeling lonely for male companionship lately. It’s the last thing I need right now, but still. Of course I won’t actually seek it out because that would be asking for chaos.
School is over on the 11th. Then, all I will be doing is volunteer work and waiting for Paris to be born. It gets closer and closer each day. I have started my eighth month of pregnancy. Weird. Yet cool.
August 9, 1993
My mom called me today and wanted to talk about moving to Atlanta. She said she thought it would be a good idea for me to live at home for a while. She said I could have her room; she would stay in my room, Paris could have his nursery in the space behind the fireplace, and Larry would be downstairs. She said she didn’t want to invest any more money into Fulton Co.
I just don’t know how I feel about it. She says she is hardly ever home, but still. On the one hand, I think it would be okay for six months or so, but, on the other, I don’t. It is too far away from meetings and, for some reason, I feel like I need to establish my own home with Paris. I can’t quite explain it. This is all very confusing. I have struggled for two years almost to forge my own identity for myself and, for some reason, I feel like it would be very hard to keep it around my mom. Or just living in her home. I feel like I need my own space that I can give to my child, not my mom’s space that Paris and I are both staying in. Even if it is only a rented space.
My mom keeps talking about economics, but I am more concerned with emotions. Mostly mine. If I do not feel okay then Paris won’t feel okay. I know I need to do what feels right for me. Even if I live in Vinings, that is not too far away from my mom, so she could see Paris all the time.
Of course, I am going to do more thinking and talking until my mind is made up. Or is my mind already made up? I think it might be. I’ll stay in touch.
August 11, 1993
Today was my last day of school for a while. Now all I have to do is volunteer work and waiting to become a mother. It just keeps getting more and more real. And more and more scary. I know I will be able to do it though. What it feels like is stage fright. I know once I get on stage, everything will be fine. Kind of like a bad case of the jitters.
I went to Sequoyah last night and talked about being scared and it seemed to help a bit. I am just going to keep talking about it and try to go with the flow more. I still think it would be a good idea to call Debbie and talk to her about it too. I think she might be able to give me more of a professional and objective opinion. It’s weird, but this all doesn’t seem to be making me as crazy or scared since I voiced it was making me crazy and scared.
I think Andrew is supposed to be in town Friday but I am not sure. I know parts of his family are on the waiting list to stay at the Fellowship Center, but I don’t know if they are staying or not. And I don’t know for sure that he is coming to Knoxville. I’ll just have to wait and see. Surprisingly, that has been on my mind very little. Sometimes, it is easier to deal with other people than myself.
Beth has been talking to Gerald again. It really does not surprise me. After some of the things he did to her, I’m wondering why, but I really have no room to talk. If she just wants to be friends, I think she will find it is not possible, but, I would not be surprised if they get back together again. Maybe a tad disappointed but not surprised. I don’t know if Beth has noticed it or not, but she really hasn’t been single since she and Gerald split up. These has always been something going on. Gerald, Neal, Benny, and possibly back to Gerald. For some reason, that bothers me and I am not sure why.
August 21, 1993
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Where to begin?
Beth found out she is pregnant. Again. This time, the baby belongs to Benny. She hasn’t decided if she is going to keep it. I think her body is going to make that decision for her because I talked to her today and she is spotting. I believe that after all the abortions she has had, her body is most likely messed up. I could be wrong. I don’t think she needs to have a baby but, then, on the other hand, I think it is wrong to have another abortion. She has had six already and one miscarriage. One would think she had learned something about birth control by now. Once again, I am in a position where I don’t agree at all with my best friend’s lifestyle but she is my friend. Where do I draw the line?
I told Boyce the other night I was attracted to him but that I could be his friend only. I had to be honest with him in order not to be uncomfortable around him. He basically said ditto. He is flying down to Atlanta on Thursday the 26th to meet me here and then my mom, Boyce, Larry, and I are driving to Destin for the weekend. Then Boyce and I fly back to Knoxville on Sunday the 29th. I’m nervous because I like him and he seems to like me, but we both have different agendas. I, for one, am 8 months pregnant with my first child, and he thinks he is in love with some girl in Canada. I would not get involved with him even if I weren’t pregnant because I refuse to be anyone’s second choice. If he really wanted me, he would have to be very convincing. Now that Paris is almost here, I have to be very careful about getting involved with people. Whomever I am with will influence Paris, sometimes directly, other times indirectly. I have to be a lot more careful than I ever was in the past.
My mom and I just spent 1 1/2 days in Dallas. It wasn’t that exciting so we came home a day early. I’ll be staying in Atlanta for about a week, then Destin, then home. When I get back to Knoxville, I am going to start looking for a house.
August 31, 1993
I got back from my “vacation” two days ago and, of course, I was exhausted. I do more at my mom’s house than I do here. I enjoyed myself though. We only stayed at the beach one day because two of the mares foaled a month early. Lucky them.
My mom and Boyce really hit it off. I have to admit I was somewhat jealous. They seemed so comfortable together and I feel uncomfortable with him a lot. Now that I have spent a weekend with him, I don’t think he is someone I can stay attracted to. I do enjoy hanging out with him though. This weekend we are going to NYC. My mom and Larry were originally going but Larry moved back in with that girl on the spur of the moment before we went to Destin so my mom gave the tickets to Boyce and I. I’m looking forward to going to NYC with a friend instead of my mom. The last time I went without her I was on drugs so I didn’t do much. I am a little wary about sharing a room with Boyce, but it should be okay. Mom is supposed to call so there are double beds in the room.
I am not going to be doing my volunteer work for a while. Sarah called me yesterday to let me know the Smith’s are at the Fellowship Center. So now I really do have to find something to do with myself until Paris gets here. Or at least until the Smith’s leave the Center. I’m tempted to just go ahead and work anyway but that probably would not be a good idea at this point. I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.
Beth still has not done anything about her pregnancy. She went to the emergency room over the weekend, while I was gone, because she was bleeding but she says it has stopped. She says she is just going to wait until she is about 7 weeks and, if she has not lost the baby, then she will have an abortion. She really should not have the baby. She has not quit smoking or drinking caffeine. She does not have a doctor, has not been taking vitamins, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on. Part of me is really disgusted; part of me is her best friend. Sometimes, it is hard to know what to do or say in this situation.
Only eight weeks left until Paris is born!!!
I can hardly wait!!!!
I love him and I am very glad I am pregnant with him, but I am ready to meet him. And to wear blue jeans again.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Hello new readers!! Thank you for your time!! Here is the rest of July 1993...the story and I are growing bigger together.
July 19, 1993
I was out of town again for the entire weekend. I have not been in town any weekend in July so far. This time I went to Destin. My mom brought Kristy and Austin with her. It was okay, at first, but, as the weekend went on, it got old. I just really can’t stand the way Kristy is with Austin. I’m not particularly fond of Austin either. He has no manners whatsoever. It is very hard to enjoy a meal when his mouth is wide open and he has food in it. He just wasn’t brought up that way.
I ate dinner with Christi tonight and she told me Christy W. is drinking again. I thought she would start back one day.
July 20, 1993
I stopped writing yesterday because I was tired. So I’ll start again now.
Like I left off with, Christy W. is drinking again. I was told today this has been going on since April. It really does not surprise me at all. It comes as no shock.
Tomorrow is Beth’s 23rd birthday. I met her at Java tonight and gave her a present. We did not get a chance to talk much because Donovan sat down with us. I really just don’t have much to say to him. He seems so wrapped up in appearance that he seems to have forgotten about substance. That gets old. Fast. We all wear masks but it is bad to start thinking the mask is who you are deep down.
I feel kind of restless in the Old City. I really don’t enjoy hanging out down there anymore. I’m over that whole scene. I want more than that. I think some of it has to do with my physical state also. I get pretty uncomfortable here lately. And talk about hot! god, I feel fried at times.
My mom called me tonight and told me Mamasam tried to give my dad’s wedding ring to Reagan to give to Lucio because he does not have one. I know she has lost her mind now. So I am supposed to call Papa tomorrow and tell him I would like to have it. Can you imagine what was possibly running through Mamasam’s head? I wonder if she even remembered who it belonged to? I would be really upset if Reagan had taken and given that ring to Lucio. Maybe I’ll hold onto it and give it to whomever I marry. Or maybe, I’ll hang onto it for Paris to use when he gets married.
Well, it is time to go to bed. Write again in a couple of days.
July 24, 1993
I would have written earlier but I had a paper due on Thursday that took up most of my time. So I wrote my paper on Wednesday and kept Jessica for Christi. She went out dancing. I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon.
Beth and I hung out most of the day Friday and I enjoyed myself most of the time. She did one thing on our way home that really turned me off to her company. She urinated in an alley in downtown Knoxville. It was quite gross. I dropped her off in the Old City because she saw this guy named Benny that she is kind of seeing.
It must be in my cards to be single right now. Beth meets guys right and left and I haven’t met one since Andrew left. Of course I am pregnant. It is really no big deal right now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Tom called me on Wednesday to ask me not to go to Sequoyah meetings anymore. I told him no. He proceeded to be a total asshole to me. What’s new? At any rate, he really hurt my feelings. I cried really hard for awhile; then built myself back up. I really do think Tom has some serious emotional problems and I just want him to stay away from me. If he calls again, I’m going to hang up. If I see him, I’ll ignore him. I know, in the past, I did things to instigate some of Tom’s outbursts, but this time, it was pure attack. It was very uncalled for. Between Tom and Andrew, I am convinced I need to get to know people better before I become involved with them.
Paris is as active as ever. Today is his twenty-six week birthday. He’s moving around right now. He has patterns. He usually moves around lunchtime and late at night, like 11 or 12. Then again, in the morning around 8 or 9. It’s the most wonderful feeling and it is so strange to look in a mirror and realize that my son is inside my body. Imagine! A tiny human body and spirit is inside me!! It is truly amazing to experience. I am so looking forward to seeing him for the first time. Well, I guess it won’t be the first time because of the two ultrasounds, but that is not the same thing.
Imagine what it will be like to hold him for the first time!! Not much longer now!!
July 26, 1993
Not much has happened but I still feel the need to write. I went to a women’s meeting tonight at the Flat Iron. I enjoyed it, for the most part. There were a couple of women there who were having problems with their children and it is good to know I might not have as rough a time. One lady had only 45 days clean and is going to go to treatment. She has a 10 year old boy. At least, if I stay sober, I won’t subject Paris to those kinds of things. He doesn’t ever have to see his mama in that way.
This whole thing about moving to Atlanta is starting to get to me. I really dislike not knowing what I am going to do. I know the decision does not need to be made for awhile but I like everything to be taken care of immediately. I believe, if I really think about it, I know I am going back to Atlanta but I am scared. All my friends are in Knoxville, school is here, I got sober here. I guess I just feel safe here, which is a good reason to stay. But, on the other hand, my family is in Atlanta. I know I can go to school in Atlanta and I know I have it in me to make new friends. I just don’t know if I want Paris to grow up in Knoxville TN. If I go to Atlanta, my mom can help me with Paris and I can work for Mr. Harp some so I would feel like I was doing something for my money.
I know the thing to do is just be patient and wait and see how things go after Paris is born. That is really my only option right now.
July 31, 1993
Today is the last day of July and that means my due date is that much closer. Time goes by so fast. My baby shower is next weekend. It all just kind of slips up on me. I’m already at 27 weeks and starting on my bi-monthly doctor visits. My mom came up yesterday and went to the doctor with me again. I had to do a glucose screening, which was fine, and get a shot because I have A- type blood. Then I did another ultrasound and Paris is definitely a Paris! I’m very happy to hear that!! My mom and I went on a tour of the hospital and it made all this seem very much more real. I am actually having a baby. I’m scared to death but I can’t wait! There was a little newborn in the nursery and they are so small and precious. Paris is going to be such a gift to me. Quite a handful, but a gift nonetheless. Mr. Harp sent up a huge baby shower present. I am dying to open it but I am supposed to wait until later so I am going to try and wait.
I was talking to my mom about Andrew today and he still has not signed my paper. My lawyer seems to think if he still has not signed after the baby is born, the best thing to do is threaten him with child support payments unless he signs the parental release form. That would probably work but what if that backfired on me? I do not want to go through all of that and I certainly don’t want to put Paris through it either. This is another situation that calls for patience, just like moving. Wait and see tactics. I really get tired of waiting but, sometimes, I have no alternative in this matter.
Beth is okay I believe. She’s seeing someone else already. His name is Benny and, of course, she has already slept with him without birth control. Even though it sounds hypocritical, that really gets under my skin. Beth has had six abortions. That is wrong. She should know better by now. If she gets pregnant again, I do not know if I could stand by her because she knows better. She should know from talking to me that it is not all fun and games. But I should just wait and see what happens. Or hope that nothing does.
Gerald has been going around town talking to everybody about Beth. I must say, I think Tom and he are up there together on levels on insanity. I feel sorry for both of them.
I was out of town again for the entire weekend. I have not been in town any weekend in July so far. This time I went to Destin. My mom brought Kristy and Austin with her. It was okay, at first, but, as the weekend went on, it got old. I just really can’t stand the way Kristy is with Austin. I’m not particularly fond of Austin either. He has no manners whatsoever. It is very hard to enjoy a meal when his mouth is wide open and he has food in it. He just wasn’t brought up that way.
I ate dinner with Christi tonight and she told me Christy W. is drinking again. I thought she would start back one day.
July 20, 1993
I stopped writing yesterday because I was tired. So I’ll start again now.
Like I left off with, Christy W. is drinking again. I was told today this has been going on since April. It really does not surprise me at all. It comes as no shock.
Tomorrow is Beth’s 23rd birthday. I met her at Java tonight and gave her a present. We did not get a chance to talk much because Donovan sat down with us. I really just don’t have much to say to him. He seems so wrapped up in appearance that he seems to have forgotten about substance. That gets old. Fast. We all wear masks but it is bad to start thinking the mask is who you are deep down.
I feel kind of restless in the Old City. I really don’t enjoy hanging out down there anymore. I’m over that whole scene. I want more than that. I think some of it has to do with my physical state also. I get pretty uncomfortable here lately. And talk about hot! god, I feel fried at times.
My mom called me tonight and told me Mamasam tried to give my dad’s wedding ring to Reagan to give to Lucio because he does not have one. I know she has lost her mind now. So I am supposed to call Papa tomorrow and tell him I would like to have it. Can you imagine what was possibly running through Mamasam’s head? I wonder if she even remembered who it belonged to? I would be really upset if Reagan had taken and given that ring to Lucio. Maybe I’ll hold onto it and give it to whomever I marry. Or maybe, I’ll hang onto it for Paris to use when he gets married.
Well, it is time to go to bed. Write again in a couple of days.
July 24, 1993
I would have written earlier but I had a paper due on Thursday that took up most of my time. So I wrote my paper on Wednesday and kept Jessica for Christi. She went out dancing. I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon.
Beth and I hung out most of the day Friday and I enjoyed myself most of the time. She did one thing on our way home that really turned me off to her company. She urinated in an alley in downtown Knoxville. It was quite gross. I dropped her off in the Old City because she saw this guy named Benny that she is kind of seeing.
It must be in my cards to be single right now. Beth meets guys right and left and I haven’t met one since Andrew left. Of course I am pregnant. It is really no big deal right now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Tom called me on Wednesday to ask me not to go to Sequoyah meetings anymore. I told him no. He proceeded to be a total asshole to me. What’s new? At any rate, he really hurt my feelings. I cried really hard for awhile; then built myself back up. I really do think Tom has some serious emotional problems and I just want him to stay away from me. If he calls again, I’m going to hang up. If I see him, I’ll ignore him. I know, in the past, I did things to instigate some of Tom’s outbursts, but this time, it was pure attack. It was very uncalled for. Between Tom and Andrew, I am convinced I need to get to know people better before I become involved with them.
Paris is as active as ever. Today is his twenty-six week birthday. He’s moving around right now. He has patterns. He usually moves around lunchtime and late at night, like 11 or 12. Then again, in the morning around 8 or 9. It’s the most wonderful feeling and it is so strange to look in a mirror and realize that my son is inside my body. Imagine! A tiny human body and spirit is inside me!! It is truly amazing to experience. I am so looking forward to seeing him for the first time. Well, I guess it won’t be the first time because of the two ultrasounds, but that is not the same thing.
Imagine what it will be like to hold him for the first time!! Not much longer now!!
July 26, 1993
Not much has happened but I still feel the need to write. I went to a women’s meeting tonight at the Flat Iron. I enjoyed it, for the most part. There were a couple of women there who were having problems with their children and it is good to know I might not have as rough a time. One lady had only 45 days clean and is going to go to treatment. She has a 10 year old boy. At least, if I stay sober, I won’t subject Paris to those kinds of things. He doesn’t ever have to see his mama in that way.
This whole thing about moving to Atlanta is starting to get to me. I really dislike not knowing what I am going to do. I know the decision does not need to be made for awhile but I like everything to be taken care of immediately. I believe, if I really think about it, I know I am going back to Atlanta but I am scared. All my friends are in Knoxville, school is here, I got sober here. I guess I just feel safe here, which is a good reason to stay. But, on the other hand, my family is in Atlanta. I know I can go to school in Atlanta and I know I have it in me to make new friends. I just don’t know if I want Paris to grow up in Knoxville TN. If I go to Atlanta, my mom can help me with Paris and I can work for Mr. Harp some so I would feel like I was doing something for my money.
I know the thing to do is just be patient and wait and see how things go after Paris is born. That is really my only option right now.
July 31, 1993
Today is the last day of July and that means my due date is that much closer. Time goes by so fast. My baby shower is next weekend. It all just kind of slips up on me. I’m already at 27 weeks and starting on my bi-monthly doctor visits. My mom came up yesterday and went to the doctor with me again. I had to do a glucose screening, which was fine, and get a shot because I have A- type blood. Then I did another ultrasound and Paris is definitely a Paris! I’m very happy to hear that!! My mom and I went on a tour of the hospital and it made all this seem very much more real. I am actually having a baby. I’m scared to death but I can’t wait! There was a little newborn in the nursery and they are so small and precious. Paris is going to be such a gift to me. Quite a handful, but a gift nonetheless. Mr. Harp sent up a huge baby shower present. I am dying to open it but I am supposed to wait until later so I am going to try and wait.
I was talking to my mom about Andrew today and he still has not signed my paper. My lawyer seems to think if he still has not signed after the baby is born, the best thing to do is threaten him with child support payments unless he signs the parental release form. That would probably work but what if that backfired on me? I do not want to go through all of that and I certainly don’t want to put Paris through it either. This is another situation that calls for patience, just like moving. Wait and see tactics. I really get tired of waiting but, sometimes, I have no alternative in this matter.
Beth is okay I believe. She’s seeing someone else already. His name is Benny and, of course, she has already slept with him without birth control. Even though it sounds hypocritical, that really gets under my skin. Beth has had six abortions. That is wrong. She should know better by now. If she gets pregnant again, I do not know if I could stand by her because she knows better. She should know from talking to me that it is not all fun and games. But I should just wait and see what happens. Or hope that nothing does.
Gerald has been going around town talking to everybody about Beth. I must say, I think Tom and he are up there together on levels on insanity. I feel sorry for both of them.
Monday, April 26, 2010
OMG...I was such a snob....
July 6, 1993
I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.
I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.
My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.
My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....
Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.
I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.
I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.
Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.
July 8, 1993
I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.
It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.
Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.
I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.
My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.
Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.
July 12, 1993
I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.
I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.
July 14, 1993
I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.
When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.
It would kill me if anything did.
I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.
I got back from Atlanta last night and have been kind of tired ever since. I stay pretty busy down there but, of course, I enjoy that. I really enjoyed being with my mom. There is something kind of nice about our relationship now.
I finally got in touch with the lady about the support group for single parents. They meet on Monday and Friday. I am going to go next Monday because I have to go to the doctor on Friday. I’m nervous and scared, but I think it is what I need to do for me.
My baby shower is all planned out and set now. The invitations were sent out last week. Of course, only one person has called to RSVP. I don’t know if that is because my friends are rude or not coming. I guess I will see.
My last trimester starts on Saturday. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I wonder how fast this last part will go? I’m going to do another ultrasound on July 30th if I can get it scheduled. I want to make sure Paris is definitely a Paris. I am sure he is but still.....
Andrew’s dad called me again. I did not talk to him personally because I was in Atlanta, but he left a message saying he would call back soon. When he does call back, I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. I feel bad for planning on doing so but when Andrew chose not to have anything to do with his child’s life, one of the ramifications of his decision was that his parents were left out too. The Smith’s can’t be there and not be there all at the same time.
I believe my mom is going to get me the Passat. I am going to talk to the guy tomorrow after my economics test. If the price is right, we will buy.
I have been feeling kind of disconnected lately. I don’t really feel close to Beth anymore and I don’t know a whole lot of people I would open up to. That’s why this single parents group is a good idea.
Beth told me today that she and Neal have slept together two or three more times since that first time. I thought as much. I think it is wrong. I am not sure why. I think it is because it doesn’t mesh with my values anymore. She said she figured out that sex is only wrong if she has it when she doesn’t want to, but okay if it feels right. I don’t agree. There have been a lot of times I had sex and wanted to but it wasn’t right. There will be times after my child is born I will want to but it still won’t make it right. For some reason, I feel like Beth is trying, in her head, to justify sleeping with Neal again. I could be wrong. That might be what works for Beth, but I know it doesn’t work for me. Imagine that!! Anything would have worked for me two years ago and now listen to me. It sure does feel good to change.
July 8, 1993
I had Beth and Christi over for dinner last night. I got the feeling Beth felt left out. Christi and I were going to bake cookies, but Beth wanted to leave, so I took her out to Park 40 for a meeting. Christi spent the night and we talked until 3am. Jessica slept in Paris’ crib. She woke me up at 7:30 this morning. I was exhausted but I got up with her. I decided to let Christi sleep since she does this day in and day out. I fed her and changed her and we played and then fell asleep again for about an hour.
It made me realize how wonderful it will feel to wake up with Paris and play with him and cuddle him. Not everyday will be wonderful but, in general, it will be grand.
Christi is going to ride to Atlanta with me tomorrow to get my new car. I think my mom is going to get it for me. I have to be at the dealership at 7:30 tomorrow evening. They want to see my car before they finalize the deal. I am going to take my mom out to dinner regardless of whether I get the car or not just to let her know I do appreciate her. She really doesn’t have to be doing this for me. My car is only one year old and we will be losing money on it. So we’ll just see how it goes in Atlanta.
I saw a guy tonight I know from meetings and he told me I looked happy. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. All in all, I do feel pretty peaceful right now. It is just cool that it shows. It is about time. I hope I can hold onto it.
My single parent thing is Monday. I’m looking forward to it now. I think I am ready.
Nobody has called to RSVP for my party except for one person. If no one shows up, I will be quite offended. And hurt. No one has even called for directions and I’m sure that not all of them know how to get to Park Place. It is still one month away, so I’ll wait and see.
July 12, 1993
I got back from Atlanta yesterday and my mom did get me the new car. I am trying to think of something I can do for her to show her how much I appreciate it. I know I won’t be asking for anything for a while. I feel guilty, in a way, getting the car, and, in a way, I don’t. I have noticed that material things don’t do it for me anymore. I’m glad I’ve got the bigger car but it doesn’t fill me up like it used to. I am very grateful though because I know my mom did not have to help me out.
I went to the Parents Anonymous meeting today. It wasn’t what I had in mind. All the women in there were kind of scuzzy and lower class. I know that doesn’t really mean anything but it does, in a way. Most of them were involved in custody battles and on Medicaid. Yes, they were all parents, but I really could not relate to them. If I got anything at all from going it was that I am not as bad off as a lot of other people and that I actually do quite well with all this stuff. My life is a lot more balanced than I seem to think every now and again, and my head is too. I think I may just keep trying to find a place to go. Some guy told me about a parents group at Cedar Springs Preb. Church. I think I would call out there and maybe check that out. I think I may also try Planned Parenthood. That might be a lot like Parents Anonymous though because off all the people they get through Medicaid and all that jive. We’ll see.
July 14, 1993
I’ve been on the go all day long today. I’ve been up since 7:30 and that is a miracle for me these days. I went to Sequoyah tonight and Tom was there. Of course he pulled his “I think I’ll ignore this girl even though I claim to love her and I did spend six months of my life with her” routine. I wonder if he knows how immature that is? Probably not. I’m sure, in his head, it is all justified.
When I was driving home tonight, this guy behind me wrecked his car because he was in a hurry on the wet highway. He really was not that far behind me. I thought ‘what if that had been me, pregnant with Paris?’. I was really relieved it was not because, more than anything, I want to make sure nothing happens to this baby.
It would kill me if anything did.
I really do not feel like writing anymore tonight.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Isn't it grand how the past always has a way of catching up to you?! Love to all of you!!
June 26, 1993
I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.
It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.
It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.
One day.
June 27, 1993
Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.
I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.
I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.
June 30, 1993
I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.
I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.
I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.
But, of course, I will make it. I always do.
I just got back from Jim and Debi’s wedding and reception. Talk about a lot of mixed emotions. The whole night I kept fluctuating between being happy for them and being jealous. For some reason, I have got this idea in my head that I won’t ever find anybody that I could marry. I can barely seem to make a relationship work, much less a marriage. Besides, where do you find a husband? None of the guys I know are good marriage material.
It seems as though I do everything backwards and make it harder on myself. I have a child before I am married. Not that I think this is wrong, but I think it would be nice to have someone to share my child with. All this love should be shared; it is not a selfish thing.
It must be wonderful to love someone that way. I know how wonderful it is to love my child and my mom and my friends. I think I even know what it is to love someone else because I think I loved Kevin. Although, now, I’m not so sure. I would not have married Kevin. Maybe I haven’t ever been in love. At least I know I have something to look forward to. I guess I will probably get married one day. Maybe it will be by the time Paris is old enough to walk and talk and my beautiful little son can give me away. But, of course, I have to meet someone first, and then get to know them for a year or two, maybe three. I have to have my child, get through school, start a career, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve got a lot to do in the next couple of years. I’m sure with a little bit of faith, it will all come together.
One day.
June 27, 1993
Debi’s wedding has left me feeling very strange. I am not quite sure what it is yet. I think, in one way, it made me remember I get lonely. I think, too, it helped me to realize my wants are different now-my values are different.
I saw a whole bunch of grungy looking kids tonight at Java and they looked kind of lost and pointless. That is not how I want my life to be anymore. I noticed tonight that even Beth bored me. I could care less about the people who came into Walgreens stoned or what they buy or any of that stuff. I’m tired of hanging out. I want to do things. I want to go see movies, plays, concerts. I don’t want to sit my life away at Java drinking decaf. Not all the time anyway. It’s okay, every now and then. I think I am just ready for a change.
I promised myself tonight that I am going to do a couple of things, or at least try. I am going to find a support group for single parents. I am going to go to meetings at other places. I’m going to find a women’s meeting. I might even find a sponsor but that could be difficult. I want to find one that won’t give me a hard time about god. Or, at least, that will be respectful of my beliefs or lack thereof. Also, I am tired of being bored on the weekends. I am going to try to do something every Saturday night. I want to enjoy my time as much as possible before my child arrives so I can focus my attention on good parenting after that. Of course, I will still do things after my child is born, but my time will obviously be reduced; at least time to myself.
June 30, 1993
I felt better today than I did the last couple of days. I believe I have a better grasp on what is going on with me. I think I am just in some sort of transition stage. I don’t seem to have a whole lot in common with Beth anymore and we have not been hanging out together much. I haven’t really had long enough to network again. I don’t think I am doing too bad though. I called Christi and we went out to dinner, to a meeting, and coffee last night. I enjoyed talking with her. Of course, it was uncomfortable at times but that is because we do not know one another that well. I’m going home this weekend but, when I get back, I thought I may see if Jennifer Calhoun wanted to do something one night. I’ve also been trying to get in touch with this lady who does a single parent support group but she never calls me back. I’ll keep calling because I think that would be a good step for me to take. I need to get in touch with more people who are going through what I am. The only person I know of is Christi. Of course, I’m sure there are more and I just don’t know them.
I went to the Sequoyah meeting and Tom was there. Of course, he was upset to see me at “his” meeting. I told him I had figured that since he had come to Melrose, it would be okay for me to go to Sequoyah. He said I figured a lot of things that were sick. I said he would just have to deal with it. He said something rude and aggressive. I stopped talking. More than anything now, he makes me angry. I always get the impression he believes everything he does and says is okay, right, or justifiable while everyone else is always in the wrong when something does not go his way. And I don’t think it is like that with just me. I think it is like that with everyone for him-as though he were a saint. I’m not sure what about that gets me so riled up but, at times, it just makes my blood boil. Maybe I should not go to Sequoyah anymore just because I know Tom goes there and that he makes me crazy. It might help my peace of mind some.
I really dislike transition stages. Looking back, they have all been worthwhile, but they are damn uncomfortable to go through.
But, of course, I will make it. I always do.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Love is grand...have a happy and safe weekend. BF will pick up again Monday!!
June 24, 1993
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
The first time I wrote in this particular journal it was June 5, 1992. It has been over one whole year since then. Back then, I had six months clean, my relationship (if that is what you’d call it) with Dallas was going sour, and I had no sense of direction and nothing that left me feeling fulfilled.
Now, I have been sober one year and six moths. I am single after going through two more relationships. I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. I have never felt better in my life and I have no idea how it happened. I think the closest I could come to putting my finger on it is that I finally live according to what I believe in. Or maybe, it is just after almost twenty years, I finally believe in something.
For one, I believe in myself. That’s new. I believe in what I am doing. I think it is the right thing for me to do right now. I don’t know how to put it down on paper just right. Pen and ink can’t capture what I think about how I feel because it can not capture what I feel. Isn’t it ironic that the only way I knew in the past to let people know how I felt was to write a poem and now pen and ink won’t do it for me anymore? I must say I am quite pleased with the change.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life and all that stuff, but I seem to be happy. I get along well with and appreciate my mom more than I ever have before. I love my child increasingly each day and I haven’t even met him yet. I actually like and enjoy myself. My love life is not too thrilling and that is just how I enjoy it right now. I actually enjoy my singleness. It is easy because I am alone for the right reasons-not with someone for the wrong. Of course I still have my bad days, but, even through the bad days, I feel content.
I was lying in bed the other night trying to imagine how I would feel if I lost Paris to suicide at a later date and getting all upset. I was talking to Paris and told him to make sure to kick me periodically to let me know he was healthy. He must have sensed I was upset and needed reassuring because he started to kick and move around for about 15 to 20 minutes.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Having this child will be one of the best things I have ever done in this life. I could not even begin to explain the love I had for him while he was kicking me.
I had to write that so I would not forget that in 10 or 20 years.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Now on Facebook!!
Be sure to check out Butterfly Flits on Facebook for an enhanced multi-media Flit experience.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=107566599285422
Thanks for taking your time to read and offer feedback!! It is much appreciated!!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=107566599285422
Thanks for taking your time to read and offer feedback!! It is much appreciated!!
And the story unfolds even more...that is the beauty of life you know.
June 16, 1993
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
It’s been three days now since Tom and I decided to stop talking. I can tell it is bothering me. I feel restless and irritable a lot and I wonder about him. I haven’t seen him since he walked out Saturday. I know, now, Tom and I can’t go backwards. I have to adjust all over again to the thought of not being able to get along with him. I’m just not quite ready to give up being single yet and I think even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tom who I would want in my heart of hearts. I think I truly would have liked him for a friend but he could not possibly have been my friend without wanting to possess me. I certainly do not feel like being possessed. All this will just take time to settle down I’m sure. It will be painful for a while. I’m probably due to feel some of it now after putting it off with Andrew.
I talked to my counselor from Agape today. Then I ran into her at an 8pm meeting. She seems to be doing okay. I’m going to send her an invitation to my baby shower. I think for the next week or two I am going to try to go to a meeting a day, including Saturday and Sunday. I’m going to start Monday. I keep saying I am going to go to a meeting at the Unity Church at 7pm but I keep putting it off again and again. I’ll make myself go Monday only because I’m not going since I am scared. The only way to meet new people is to deal with that fear and go. I’ve decided I need to put some healthier people in my life than what one finds at a Young People’s meeting. I’ll still go there to keep in touch with friends, but, for now, that is about it. It may sound arrogant but I feel as I’ve outgrown that clique. Or maybe I just have different goals now.
My mom will be here on Friday to pick me up to go to go to North Carolina with her. That is also my first day to do volunteer work at the Cancer Center. I’m scared about that too, but I’m sure it will go ok.
It’s bedtime for mom and Paris. Later!
June17, 1993
Today was an average day. I went to a meeting tonight and talked about being irritable and grumpy for the last couple of days. I don’t understand why I can’t just be sad. It would make things a lot simpler.
I’m leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina for the weekend. My mom is bringing Jessica with her. Oh boy. Not only will I be hot but, I’ll be hot in a car with a 6 year old all over me. It should be fun. Seriously, it should be nice to get away for the weekend. I have not been to NC since Kevin and I went there. I wonder if it will bring back any memories? Or is that part of my life truly behind me now?
When I get back, I am going to do something with Boyce. I don’t know if it is just as friends or what. He says he is in love with this girl in Montreal but I don’t buy it. They have only met twice and they live in different countries. He is going to stay with her in July for a week or two. Who knows though? Maybe he does love her. He’d be a good guy to have as a friend. He’s way too intelligent. He has three undergrad degrees and two possible grad degrees in geology and civil engineering. I say possible because he is working on those two right now. He works out at Oak Ridge National Lab doing environmental research. He told me tonight he has been working so much lately he is talking to bacteria now. Pretty bad. He’s a nice guy. I’ll let the journal know of any developments or lack thereof.
Mom and Paris are signing out! Night night!
June 20, 1993
I had a pretty enjoyable day. I got up around 9am after sleeping for 12 hours and cleaned up the condo some. I called Beth but she was working so I called Boyce. He came and picked me up and we cooked quiche. Then we went to the arts and crafts store and bought paint. He painted that 25-foot canvas that Andrew left here and took it to his place. We went swimming and had coffee and dessert at Java. We are going to see some movie later this week at Terrace. I think we will probably just be friends. He is totally infatuated with this girl in Montreal he has met twice. I wish him the best of luck. It’s hard to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it will work out; maybe not. He’s going to stay with her in July.
I had a really good time in North Carolina. My mom and I rode the 4-wheeler to the top of the mountain and went swimming in the lake. I got a little sunburned and very tired. We came back to Knoxville on Saturday and went to a nursery and bought some plants for my sunroom. She brought the furniture up on Friday. It looks great out here with the plants and stuff. I really enjoy this room now.
June 21, 1993
Today was the first day of summer and things were a little bit strange all day. I think it was because of the summer solstice. It was a productive day though. I went to class and ran some errands. I got my invitations ordered for the baby shower. Then I went to the Storehouse and bought a new bed and dresser.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. Beth and I hung out for a while. I felt really weird around her tonight. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I felt bored with her. I’m not interested in all the things she is doing. Her life sounds so confusing and messed up right now and that is not what I am interested in. I feel a lot older than her now. I was looking at the way she dressed and thinking “Ehh” and listening to some of her ideas and thinking “Ehh”. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe we’re growing apart. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I decided today I enjoy being single and I am not interested in Boyce. It seems, now that I like myself better, I’m not willing to let just whomever into my life. Before, anybody who was in the right place at the right time would do to fill my empty spot but that empty spot does not seem to be there anymore. Or at least it is not big enough for anyone to fill it. I seem to be doing a good job myself of keeping it full. I think when I find someone who complements what I’ve put there, I’ll be ready. I’m actually going to be picky about who I let into my life and bed. I must be making progress!
My mom seems to be doing okay these days. I don’t think she will take Billy back this time. She is really looking forward to seeing Paris and being a ma ma! I think it helps her not to go back to him. I miss her these days. I enjoy being with her a lot more than I used to. I enjoy doing the things she enjoys now. I never thought I would say that.
June 23, 1993
Zoey is gone. Somebody came and got her today. She went to a good home, but this place is a lot different without her. I miss her already. I hope she is happy where she is and they keep her for a long time.
Today has been another long day. I went to class and then I gave Zoey away. After that, I ran a couple of errands and looked at some cars. I am determined to get a new Passat GLX. I drove it again today and love it!! I’ll just keep working on my mom.
Beth and I were supposed to do something tonight but she called and cancelled to go hang out with two girls she used to work with. I really don’t mind because I was tired but Beth and I do seem to be growing apart these days. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that freaked out about it. I guess that’s because we’re not growing apart on bad terms-just growing apart.
I went to a Young People’s meeting tonight and saw Tom there. I noticed I kind of walled off around him. I was nice and polite but I really didn’t want to give him too much information on how I am doing. I got a different kind of feeling around him tonight than I did in the past. Before, when I saw him, things felt tense and uncomfortable because things did not feel settled. Tonight, I was still uncomfortable, but I think it was because things are settled for ME now. Now, I know, that even though I care about Tom, there is to be no more looking back. It is time to move on. He is not the one for me. It feels good to finally know it is over. It is as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.
Well, it is time to close and go to bed.
The baby and I need our beauty rest.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Making more progress than I thought--both today & then it seems.
June 10, 1993
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
A lot has gone on. I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ll just start somewhere and work my way out.
Tom and I have been talking again about 5 days now. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that. We seem to get along better but it is still uncomfortable at times. We are not back together as far as I know. I don’t even know if that is what I would want. So I think I’ll just keep talking and being real honest with him. I know I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.
Beth left Gerald (sort of), fucked a 17-year-old fresh out of The Village (residential drug rehab), then really dumped Gerald, told me to fuck off, got her own apartment, and I don’t really know how she is because she has not really talked to me in two days, and I haven’t really wanted to talk to her. I’m not sure why that is.
I went to a 10pm meeting tonight to talk about it but no one had a clue when I said I needed to figure out how to let go of friend’s behaviors and not the friend. Someone said to remember behaviors are not people. I know that. How can I wonder how to let go of one and not the other if that were not obvious? I really need to find new meetings to attend.
Something else that is bothering me is I told my mom I wanted to wait to move back to Atlanta. I thought I did because I am scared but now, I am not so sure. Tom says it would be like walking into something I know is sick but family is a lot more dependable than the friends I’ve got here. So now I am not sure what to do about that.
I was so peaceful up until 2 or 3 days ago. I wonder where it all went?
PS...My ultrasound is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll finally know if it’s a boy or a girl!!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!
June 12, 1993
I’m having a little boy!!! I knew he was going to be a boy! I was so excited when I heard. My mom cried. I can not stop smiling. So now I know I’m having a little Paris Lee. Now I do know, I can hardly wait for him to get here. I have my ultrasound on videotape. I’m going to send it down to Mama and Papasam to see. Papa was excited when I told him it was a boy. I think he’ll enjoy Paris a lot more than Austin or Andy.
Beth, Kristen, Tom, Christi F., Boyce, and Boyce’s friend Travis and I all went to the Kuumba Festival today. It was supposed to be a day for everyone to hang out as friends and lighten up but, of course, Tom can’t do that. He knew that Boyce was going and said nothing about it until we got to the festival. Then, in the middle of the festival, he tells me it hurt his feelings and he thought it very insensitive of me to invite both he and Boyce, even though Boyce and I are just friends. We went out to dinner once-months ago. I didn’t mind him telling me how he felt but I think it would have more appropriate to wait until later. I think it was insensitive of him to bring it up right there. It ruined my day needless to say. I was rather short with him and I just called to apologize for that. I’m also going to tell him I do not think we are going to be able to work anything out between us. I’ve come to realize lately I enjoy being single. Right now, I feel I have enough to commit to without adding more. Tom and I have a very different set of beliefs and they are not compatible enough for us to get along. That is too bad. I did not want to be his enemy. I don’t feel like his enemy but I don’t feel like his friend either. I guess things will have to go back to the way they were before.
June 13, 1993
Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I finally got caught up on some sleep that had been missed. I went to Baby Superstore and registered for my shower. I also bought a car seat and crib bunting. All I really need now is a stroller, playpen, mobile, and the little stuff.
I went to the 8pm meeting at Park 40. It was pretty good. The topic was tolerance of others. Pretty appropriate after yesterday I thought. I have not talked to Tom since I apologized for being short with him. Next time I talk to him, I’m going to tell him we have different ways of handling things and that does not make one of us right or wrong. I feel like in order to get along with Tom I have to sacrifice too much of what I like about myself right now to make it worthwhile. I could be wrong, but right now, I feel pretty inflexible about myself because this is the first time I have ever liked myself. It’s not that I don’t care about Tom. On the contrary, I care about him a lot. I do not think I love him. At least not like he says he loves me. I don’t think either one of us has put the past behind us. At least, I don’t think I have. Also, I know I am a pretty serious person but I think Tom is a lot more serious than I am. He can’t seem to lighten up around me. That’s too bad because there are times when I feel really loose. Maybe this last encounter will be what it finally takes for me to settle the Tom issue.
Beth seems to be doing okay. We haven’t really gotten into detail about it. I need to ask her how she is doing with everything. She went to the meeting with me tonight and Gerald and Neal were both there. She said it was uncomfortable for her.
It is time for Paris and I go to bed. Write to you later.
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